日子還是這樣在過,學校裡的夥伴不時耳提面命「大考將近,獎學金不能拱手讓人」的事,我知道他是逼著我轉移注意力,也就順著他的意,認真上班、認真上課、認真睡覺,好像我換了個叫「課本」的男友,天天與它相伴,沒見著它的時間,都在夢鄉。422Please respect copyright.PENANAb0V4bQJ0Ko
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但,無論怎麼讓自己逃開,總有那幾個瞬間,會被回憶淹沒,尤其是,酸楚的回憶。422Please respect copyright.PENANAuvQ1pg3du1
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我把自己關在家幾個禮拜,直到被朋友挖出門。422Please respect copyright.PENANAeVF69mQa4O
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坐上朋友的車,也不是很在乎要去哪裡,明明身邊有人,但全世界好像剩下自己。
也許這些,都是失去愛情的症狀。
可笑的是我連自己是否曾經「擁有」愛情都不確定。422Please respect copyright.PENANACSx8ZoUvpr
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朋友載我到熟悉的山上,我以為他是要去山頂的土地公廟拜拜。422Please respect copyright.PENANANr8M8PBnR7
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「妳最近不是很愛爬山嗎?帶妳來山上走走啊。」422Please respect copyright.PENANAfzhJrzeIsA
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「……喔…」
我心裡一沉。422Please respect copyright.PENANAOOsSP5pmhU
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他不知道我為什麼開始爬山,我又怎麼能怪他呢?422Please respect copyright.PENANAGcdzlhNJnE
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我們延著樓梯,爬到了山頂的土地公廟,便隨意照找了個地方坐下,那是山頂的展望區。422Please respect copyright.PENANAujN966aNJa
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「那是什麼山啊?」
我指著橫過城市、遠處一座被雲海包圍的山。422Please respect copyright.PENANAL0Owuw9HRW
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「我哪知道。」422Please respect copyright.PENANAiEyQD0MevU
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「……說的也是。」422Please respect copyright.PENANAjQ3mAKNa87
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我才發現自己的愚蠢。
那是我和張先生一同爬山時,我很常說的話。
他總是像個「山的萬事通」,有問必答,即使在我看來那些山都長得一個模樣,他仍能數家珍般地,念出它們的名。422Please respect copyright.PENANAXy2tckth3L
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黑兔子找我去唱歌,在包廂裡和另一個女生朋友故意想弄哭我,不停點悲傷的歌來唱,一開始我只是笑,笑她們無聊。
直到某首歌的歌詞刺進我的心裡,痛了那麼一下,我哭了,就停不下來。
兩個女生見我掉淚,居然也跟著哭了,還哭得比我悽慘。最後我還得幫她們擦眼淚。422Please respect copyright.PENANAA4UYONhgnJ
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我很努力要自己不去怨懟、不去記恨,但總對自己被欺騙一事糾結,同時也怪自己不夠聰明、不夠謹慎。422Please respect copyright.PENANAV74XxjI3C5
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無法灑脫。422Please respect copyright.PENANAmcChrhMCBf
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我還是持續的爬山,但不明白自己是因為什麼而爬。
我害怕自己是為了不忘記他,所以更不敢面對這個問題。422Please respect copyright.PENANADrnkL7aAvW
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直到某次,母親找我一同去爬山。422Please respect copyright.PENANA2WMmDQrywm
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那是一座有著神話故事點綴的郊山,山上的涼亭裡還用木板刻著傳說。422Please respect copyright.PENANACsftqyaqss
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「這是我和妳爸爸第一次約會的地方。」422Please respect copyright.PENANAEs6dpR6w5x
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母親突然提起父親,自他們離異後,母親甚少和我聊父親的事。422Please respect copyright.PENANAYAXTb7o3Cm
422Please respect copyright.PENANASTFdk6JRRJ
「我喜歡運動,妳爸爸不愛。我喜歡在舞池跳舞,他只想坐在沙發聊天。妳爸爸體能好,明明是蛙人,運動神經好,私底下卻懶惰得要命。」422Please respect copyright.PENANAHKCFZkvkr0
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「但這是我們第一次約會的地方。」422Please respect copyright.PENANAap2VzfOOka
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我不知道母親為什麼突然說這些。422Please respect copyright.PENANAYTV5Q2R8OD
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「妳和那個來過家裡的先生,應該沒有再聯絡了吧?」422Please respect copyright.PENANAJOqpiqgESR
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「沒有了。」我立刻回答。422Please respect copyright.PENANAlT9OXG86hG
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「妳一開始喜歡上爬山,是因為他嗎?」422Please respect copyright.PENANADpz4sOYRj3
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「嗯。」422Please respect copyright.PENANAzybL9ojwY1
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「那他留給妳的影響,就夠了。」422Please respect copyright.PENANAe0kZLXDBy6
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我還不明白。422Please respect copyright.PENANAiBUXr5Hign
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「妳本來就喜歡小動物、小昆蟲,剛剛一路上來妳都在跟我介紹那些蜘蛛蝸牛,山區就是讓妳更親近牠們的地方,妳這段路爬上來有想到那個男人嗎?」422Please respect copyright.PENANAAhwo8yobq5
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「……沒有。」422Please respect copyright.PENANAkxCFckYx0I
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「那妳還介意是誰啟發妳喜歡爬山嗎?」422Please respect copyright.PENANAzpOAD3vWL3
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我盯著她,努力消化她的話語。422Please respect copyright.PENANAeKN01HUXF4
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「不管事情是怎麼開始的,只要最後有好的地方值得妳保留就好了。」422Please respect copyright.PENANAgREA9rlQal
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「妳沒必要忘記。」422Please respect copyright.PENANA6IlsmBSjqd
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我的眼淚差一點就奪眶而出。422Please respect copyright.PENANAZvyIHfJx3b
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後來。422Please respect copyright.PENANA2DBiA1t4OE
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學期順利結束,我依然拿到系上的獎學金。422Please respect copyright.PENANAj5OcDKcoHs
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真正了解我的家人朋友,都沒有怪我隱瞞他們,我以為會面對很多責怪,卻意外收到過多的心疼。422Please respect copyright.PENANAD2QyyxBoQt
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我去爬了更多的山,也因為山結交了更多新朋友,也間接因為爬山認識了現在的男朋友。422Please respect copyright.PENANAjWIv6Qn4nJ
422Please respect copyright.PENANAhebzuPJ2dW
在之後我曾和幾個好友在居酒屋裡,酒酣耳熱之際說完了整個故事,朋友們聽到我查證的過程,開玩笑的說「妳怎麼不去徵信社上班啊!」422Please respect copyright.PENANAF2GRawJ8hT
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而我真的在因緣際會下踏入了徵信業。422Please respect copyright.PENANAFcLdLjFbPx
422Please respect copyright.PENANA2awZRwMkx7
看到了更多更多事例,才知道感情的故事,真的都是一個套路,所以我們總覺得「這首歌在寫我」,「這個故事在說我」…因為我們的感情路,好好壞壞,都差不多會是那個樣子。422Please respect copyright.PENANA1ubZ0TjUbs
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我沒有繼續怨恨他,但也沒有原諒他,我只是原諒自己。422Please respect copyright.PENANAuzIsPxWeF0
422Please respect copyright.PENANANXfYhsbjC1
在寫這篇之前,我偷偷地搜尋了他的名字,發現他們有了個可愛的女兒。422Please respect copyright.PENANADjEyxwSjTb
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「希望你專心愛她們。」我發自內心的想。422Please respect copyright.PENANANfbwylaltO
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完。
ns 108.162.216.29da2