Wednesday, afternoon. After class.62Please respect copyright.PENANADmBPEGAHmT
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Unfamiliar…62Please respect copyright.PENANApIr6Q5nULg
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I was walking on a street that was unfamiliar to me. Glancing at the unfamiliar faces who walked past me. Looking at the unfamiliar houses as I passed by them. Shuffling my feet over the unfamiliar concrete towards an unfamiliar destination I didn’t want to reach but had to.62Please respect copyright.PENANAkj7dnT0Jax
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Going to meet an unfamiliar boy who made an unfamiliar request.62Please respect copyright.PENANAslmXoSpKLR
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… and an unknown condition.
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What am I doing? I thought for the last time. I hoped it was the last time.62Please respect copyright.PENANAZ31cmwSOIw
62Please respect copyright.PENANAOVuNHpwzB7
Why did I come here? I tilted my face up toward the sky, hoping that from all that blue there was something in it that would tell me the answer. There was none. There were only the clouds drifting slowly, like they were matching how I moved my feet.
62Please respect copyright.PENANAkRm1Ba3nLG
But underneath those questions, there was a quiet persistence that would talk to me.62Please respect copyright.PENANA6Q9O9KGWmv
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There is hope. All I have to do is hear what he has to say. Then I go home.62Please respect copyright.PENANAtdVgm2djp3
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Were they convincing? Enough... probably.62Please respect copyright.PENANAfnyR5DZIZo
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I sighed and kept moving.62Please respect copyright.PENANAqhucA9j2CO
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I recalled what happened this morning. It was difficult. A different type of difficult.62Please respect copyright.PENANAzc0SHz2FY1
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I’d sat in my seat before first period and looked around at everyone. I tried to find the expressions I was wearing on the faces of my friends.62Please respect copyright.PENANAb4hNu3c2Dn
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Hina was at her desk, clean and composed like she always was. Her eyes gazed towards the windows. Whatever she was thinking, it was only for her alone. And I never wondered what it was until that time.62Please respect copyright.PENANAAIwYCKHWuc
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A few seconds later, I found Yui standing in front of Mika’s desk. Her expression cycled through different emotions during their conversation. She was probably talking about stories she had heard a few days ago. And Mika was more animated than yesterday. Reacting to Yui’s story the way she was supposed to. But I knew she was only trying. I knew yesterday hadn’t left her. I could see it in the moments between her reactions, a few fractions of a second where she would lose control.
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My eyes started to move without me noticing. Toward the windows. Toward the back.62Please respect copyright.PENANALjZ4XmLKtu
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And there he was. Completely unbothered. Absorbed by his book, entirely isolated from the noises the classroom had contained before homeroom. I didn’t even know if he noticed the empty space around him. Nobody talked to him. Nobody paid attention to him.62Please respect copyright.PENANA5XjChj47oC
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Except me, right at that moment.62Please respect copyright.PENANATgnOgboeMS
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I looked away before anyone caught me. I sighed.62Please respect copyright.PENANAunuZFuCI1e
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Everyone seemed to have moved on from what happened yesterday afternoon. In this same classroom, in that heavy atmosphere. Or maybe they were doing a better job pretending they were.
62Please respect copyright.PENANAlTnO13e1og
...Better than me, at least.
62Please respect copyright.PENANAMqdH6loQ88
Since...
62Please respect copyright.PENANA8Z3LpWIsTn
I was the one who had to walk to a near-stranger’s apartment after school. I was the one who had to prepare to hear a condition that no one knew yet. And I was the one who had to steady my face, to hide everything that I was thinking... So that my friends wouldn’t worry.62Please respect copyright.PENANAasoQObFyvY
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I tried to keep it up all day. And I was very tired.62Please respect copyright.PENANAezi07cDdRb
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A few times during the walk, I stopped. I turned halfway back, contemplated for a few seconds, wondered what I had been asking myself since I arrived at the station. But I always turned forward... Turned forward and kept walking.62Please respect copyright.PENANAfyWBVpCWn5
62Please respect copyright.PENANANEMn6mzDg8
He’s a person, I thought. I needed it. I needed to remind myself what I had rehearsed ever since I woke up this morning. He’s a human being. He’s a student, not a criminal. He looked intimidating. But when we talked to him, he was never violent... 62Please respect copyright.PENANAGrxhjCZGwf
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Then...62Please respect copyright.PENANABzBhQ42dGB
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Also, why was he unusually slow? It was very nerve wracking watching him move from one place to another while the room sat in such a tense mood. And he profiled my friends one by one, like he knew everything about them and where they rank in school, he probably knew the scores they even got, and he was right but…62Please respect copyright.PENANASOQMcBStOx
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I paused.62Please respect copyright.PENANAeOgUiIuygb
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Well... That was actually a bit creepy. Who even does that?62Please respect copyright.PENANA8KMnFCpg13
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My thoughts suddenly went in another direction…62Please respect copyright.PENANAUbUz2whYQl
62Please respect copyright.PENANAxKgaasI24h
What about his condition?62Please respect copyright.PENANAVOYOYtPxzs
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I shook my head. I needed to. Positive thoughts. Positive thoughts only.62Please respect copyright.PENANA17SEVHBUoO
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Instead, my mind tried to embrace quiet.62Please respect copyright.PENANAywtjlQ8MPc
62Please respect copyright.PENANAuwEerPJPcT
…62Please respect copyright.PENANAIaNyh19keI
62Please respect copyright.PENANANJLowBrmtI
…62Please respect copyright.PENANARjxazXibo6
62Please respect copyright.PENANAaVBGrPhHzq
… condition.62Please respect copyright.PENANAzNnwHo2Ngb
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I gave up.62Please respect copyright.PENANABs3pJ3V0Z6
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The sight of the apartment he wanted me to go to finally came into view. A few more minutes of walking and I found myself standing below it. I looked up. Ten floors. It looked expensive. But maybe not. It was quite fancy, though. A little bit, but enough that it made the houses around it look small and a little embarrassed by comparison. It had solid walls, gray. They were so thick that I imagined if I went inside and screamed, nobody from the outside would hear it.62Please respect copyright.PENANAo4PPen0UDg
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… That last thought wasn’t necessary.62Please respect copyright.PENANAKvQFT52KxA
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I walked to the front entrance.62Please respect copyright.PENANAMuBpUBy8pC
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The door was glass, sturdy and clear, and beyond it I could see a second door of the same material. I stepped forward, the outer door opened automatically, and I went inside.62Please respect copyright.PENANAAfLyRcruWF
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I stood there for a second.
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This didn’t look the same as Hina’s apartment. I mean, I had known it since I saw the building from the outside. But I wasn’t sure how to proceed.62Please respect copyright.PENANAiOqNo3IzD1
62Please respect copyright.PENANAAK51F3Cnuv
Wait… dramas…62Please respect copyright.PENANAIHF5v61Iay
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If I remembered correctly. There was supposed to be an intercom panel around here somewhere. And it was probably that one, left side beside the door.62Please respect copyright.PENANAahDdwmFBBp
62Please respect copyright.PENANAIN6dWUWlDZ
I opened the note he gave me and approached the panel. I wasn’t sure at first since there were two panels in front of me. One seemed to look like where key cards go through. Maybe this one with a keypad.62Please respect copyright.PENANAaVjqTv9mA7
62Please respect copyright.PENANAGRr0sTTZLm
“Room number 502,” I said while I typed the numbers on it.62Please respect copyright.PENANAuTdgVRkFEe
62Please respect copyright.PENANAcLOHt1hU29
I stared at the panel while I waited.62Please respect copyright.PENANAbfwtGYlgFL
62Please respect copyright.PENANAEGOPsCqYh3
“Who?” A voice came through the speaker, flat and immediate.62Please respect copyright.PENANABm955tPBBL
62Please respect copyright.PENANAmdcJl3dvIb
“I-It’s me, Miyase Runa. I came here to talk about…”
62Please respect copyright.PENANAsIeOijTcFu
“Proceed.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAkIwCqIyOTk
62Please respect copyright.PENANAUs6eHQvqk3
The inner door opened before I finished what I wanted to say.62Please respect copyright.PENANAEBYPvqIlk4
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Right. Of course.62Please respect copyright.PENANARoalJ65zZB
62Please respect copyright.PENANAHjBdq8y3mj
I walked inside. There was a reception desk but no one was behind it.62Please respect copyright.PENANAethXXKYEmx
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He’s a person. He’s a human being. He’s just a student.62Please respect copyright.PENANAnIB0bUUORt
62Please respect copyright.PENANATlope4MooB
I told myself repeatedly all the way to the elevator. I told myself repeatedly while the elevator moved. By the time the doors opened on the fifth floor. I had told myself it enough times that it had stopped sounding like words and started sounding like a sound I was making with my mouth.62Please respect copyright.PENANAKR39zeFZjh
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I reached one of the apartment doors then checked the note he gave me one last time.62Please respect copyright.PENANAiRGVB3CRlp
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Fifth floor. Room 502.62Please respect copyright.PENANASgg1RNejG4
62Please respect copyright.PENANAd2AwNw1rso
I took a breath.62Please respect copyright.PENANAackQyT4LLd
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Took another one.62Please respect copyright.PENANAPwSa5fm1xq
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And knocked twice.62Please respect copyright.PENANAxL5prHH3bU
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A few seconds later. The door opened.62Please respect copyright.PENANAqTTNOqRpZw
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I gripped my bag.62Please respect copyright.PENANAbI6FNtoCWS
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I looked at him.62Please respect copyright.PENANArff5n07RkI
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“You could’ve used the doorbell,” he said.62Please respect copyright.PENANAOvrNdvAoKt
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Hmm?
62Please respect copyright.PENANA6lHCJ3hqqh
I looked to the left of the door frame.62Please respect copyright.PENANAImXCFJbfY3
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There it was. Right there. A doorbell, where doorbells had always been, in the place that doorbells had always existed, on every door I had ever encountered in my entire life.62Please respect copyright.PENANAAXs3ABu4NH
62Please respect copyright.PENANAIM3TxzkWMs
My face went warm. I tried to hide it.62Please respect copyright.PENANAChapZHTAhN
62Please respect copyright.PENANA5tzlPO7w4V
“I… didn’t see it,” I said, because it was the only sentence I could locate in my head at that moment. It didn’t sound convincing, in fact, it didn’t convince me at all. Because there was no way I could have missed it. Maybe because I had not thought anything about doorbells for the past day. Maybe because I had been thinking more about what happened yesterday and what was going to happen today. And now I was standing here having knocked on a door like someone who had never encountered doors with a doorbell before.62Please respect copyright.PENANAwYdGxgeAlQ
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He’s definitely reconsidering everything.62Please respect copyright.PENANAYVe5vo1SVR
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“Come in,” he said, after looking at me for a moment that felt longer than it was.
62Please respect copyright.PENANAONZNhNJ9RA
I took off my shoes and arranged them neatly by the entrance.62Please respect copyright.PENANAombr5oYntm
62Please respect copyright.PENANAsiE0rZ2hDo
“Excuse me for intruding,” I said, bowing slightly.62Please respect copyright.PENANAqhvISdwJRF
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I stepped inside.62Please respect copyright.PENANAHRexQjxrhi
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He led me to the living room.62Please respect copyright.PENANAL9Zvama7Xw
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I stopped just inside the doorway and looked around without meaning to.62Please respect copyright.PENANAJNLLqfAqml
It was clean. It wasn’t empty but felt like it was since there were no unnecessary decorations inside. There were two sofas, one smaller facing the flat screen TV in the corner, and one longer that faced the door of the living room, perpendicular to the smaller one. And in the center was just a carpet. There were no tables, no cabinets, no photographs on the walls. Nothing else.62Please respect copyright.PENANAcTmaWcQpsU
62Please respect copyright.PENANAIJqUS400my
To the right was the kitchen connected to the living room with no walls between them. And just as much as the living room, I only saw what seemed to be the necessary utensils that he needed. Or so I assumed.
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It kinda fits him, actually.62Please respect copyright.PENANAXmAvOpijrI
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I thought about it for a second.62Please respect copyright.PENANAVQ7h3pT6Ug
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“Sit anywhere you like,” he said.62Please respect copyright.PENANASvTlmWv7zf
62Please respect copyright.PENANAXOs9oTP4Jq
I considered the longer sofa and the smaller sofa for a second. I started walking towards the longer sofa, I sat at the other end near the smaller sofa, which put the most distance between me and the other end of the room. As I settled in I noticed a book sitting on the opposite end of where I sat. I leaned slightly, curious to what it was.62Please respect copyright.PENANAYukJTzgypk
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English. The cover was entirely in English.62Please respect copyright.PENANAxcCvfqMZlL
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“Do you want water?”62Please respect copyright.PENANAlG7QgL20WR
62Please respect copyright.PENANA6gRDenjdrf
I straightened up. His voice came from the kitchen and it caught me off guard since I felt like I was intruding someone’s private life when I leaned towards the book. His voice is always serious, it wasn’t cold but it was different, like the strict kind of different, or maybe leaned more towards indifference? I didn’t know, I was just startled. I wondered if he was aware of how he sounded to others? Probably not.
62Please respect copyright.PENANAMkZ5lvTnQG
“There’s soda in the fridge too. Which one?”62Please respect copyright.PENANAePY37rchJx
62Please respect copyright.PENANAeMACOqCSZd
“Soda please,” I answered before I finished deciding. I meant to say water. I didn’t know why I said soda.
62Please respect copyright.PENANAnJNte81NKz
He came back a few minutes later with a glass of soda with little ice cubes. He handed it to me.62Please respect copyright.PENANAYzLXRodahs
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“Thank you.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAh8YRWWJHzY
62Please respect copyright.PENANAzDaIArPN5z
He went back to the kitchen. I watched him go, wondering what he had planned to do. I noticed he was going towards a small wooden table at the corner of the kitchen before he started carrying it. Then walked back to the living room and carefully set it down over the carpet between the two sofas.
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It was a low kind of table, made for sitting on the floor to write.62Please respect copyright.PENANAJfgRvztC1L
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“You can put your drink here.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAhUKnywqDY9
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“Thank you.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAA2VgGH4y5f
62Please respect copyright.PENANArxG3dKHvHu
He walked around the table he just placed. He ended up in the other end of the longer sofa, picked up the book that was there, and sat down.62Please respect copyright.PENANAj9svk37K66
62Please respect copyright.PENANA9X8keJc1bV
And opened it.62Please respect copyright.PENANAJm8kImvfnF
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And started reading…62Please respect copyright.PENANAIj0KcI4bWr
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Started reading…62Please respect copyright.PENANANthsXIVF2q
62Please respect copyright.PENANAQcbgr5yJAM
I tried to confirm what just happened. I came all the way here. Ten minutes of train ride, fifteen minutes walking from the station to this apartment, I had failed to locate a doorbell that had been directly beside the door, and now this. I thought we were going to start talking about what he told me yesterday. Instead, he started reading.62Please respect copyright.PENANAkaeiMBdev4
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“Um.” I tried.62Please respect copyright.PENANAfU0JmUMw4I
62Please respect copyright.PENANA1DYcLzpMtn
He turned a page.62Please respect copyright.PENANAWLJY1UPk8V
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“About what we discussed yesterday…”62Please respect copyright.PENANAdS8HHI0FjR
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Nothing.62Please respect copyright.PENANA9gOoepRPCY
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“…Never mind.” I let out a laugh. It sounded awkward. I immediately regretted the laugh.62Please respect copyright.PENANApOEJyzae9E
62Please respect copyright.PENANAsJ7phUI9Gg
I looked at the soda. The ice was already starting to melt at the edges. I took a sip. Looked up at the ceiling for reasons I couldn’t explain. There was nothing interesting about the ceiling. It was a ceiling.62Please respect copyright.PENANAzx2i9ARH8k
62Please respect copyright.PENANAWHKFfOjKNy
I decided to search inside my bag instead. The only things that I found were textbooks, notebooks and my test papers that put me in this situation. I cursed at them. In spirit.62Please respect copyright.PENANAHDDmrQwoiH
62Please respect copyright.PENANAPOaSTEQKf8
My phone buzzed inside my pocket. I opened it. There were notifications that Mika and Yui had messaged me privately. Once from Mika, five times from Yui. There was also a flood of notifications that came from our group chat. It didn’t say who made those fifteen notifications, but I am totally sure it was Yui.
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I didn’t have the mood to reply yet. So I opened an app, found a video, maybe just watch for a little bit. Made myself look busy just like him.62Please respect copyright.PENANAHhYND0sv5s
62Please respect copyright.PENANAdMvGmvD4Qr
Ten minutes passed.62Please respect copyright.PENANAWXPayDXn9U
62Please respect copyright.PENANAohuSunyFTX
I put down my phone.62Please respect copyright.PENANAiZYz0TEDsO
62Please respect copyright.PENANAai1wnm8be0
“Hello?” I looked at him directly this time.62Please respect copyright.PENANAORBpAm6Cgb
62Please respect copyright.PENANAhvkDP2BRFj
Everything that I was thinking before coming here and everything I heard about him both were gone in that moment. I didn’t come here to sit in silence and watch videos.62Please respect copyright.PENANAv3yysG3LcT
62Please respect copyright.PENANADrspPvFMfY
If he still didn’t answer me this time, I was leaving.62Please respect copyright.PENANAxMhS3Ct8he
62Please respect copyright.PENANA2n3dhP5LTU
My eyebrows pulled together.
He slowly looked up.62Please respect copyright.PENANAgmhbCaQUrx
62Please respect copyright.PENANAR6VYxQWLuS
“Are you done with your drink?” he asked.62Please respect copyright.PENANAWKd8sVwfKG
62Please respect copyright.PENANAxkTXty28gc
My eye twitched.62Please respect copyright.PENANAlFrfUzxyWy
62Please respect copyright.PENANAMD4qYyJ9Xf
I wasn’t DONE with my drink, thank you. I was DONE waiting here for nothing. If you still make me wait for one second more and waste all that effort and all those worries I had been carrying on my way here, THEN I AM LEAVING.62Please respect copyright.PENANARrjePHZnIA
62Please respect copyright.PENANAGYfZULVPW6
I thought… they came out good in my thoughts…62Please respect copyright.PENANA5PmNakh7Eg
62Please respect copyright.PENANAtE85xA02VK
I sighed for a bit, tried to compose myself. Okay now he is paying attention to me.62Please respect copyright.PENANA5kd2QMYhs5
62Please respect copyright.PENANAXjzwjR47lM
“Yes,” I replied. My voice still had an edge to it that I didn’t bother smoothing out. “Thank you.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAl5H3Q9x629
62Please respect copyright.PENANAr1RK0mEduX
“Follow me.”62Please respect copyright.PENANASftQJwZq6k
62Please respect copyright.PENANAy741A0RKqc
He stood up.62Please respect copyright.PENANAIym92JAAGl
62Please respect copyright.PENANA7dmtjcMihw
I took a breath. Smoothed my expression back into something neutral. It took a moment. Afterwards, I stood up and followed.
62Please respect copyright.PENANA0laO2Tx7aY
He led me back out to the hallway. Two doors on the right from the living room. We passed the first one and stopped at the second, closer to the main entrance. He opened it.62Please respect copyright.PENANA7SafSNaCHH
62Please respect copyright.PENANAPrj225J3sY
I looked inside.
62Please respect copyright.PENANAk9NO07LXkp
The room was the complete opposite of the living room.62Please respect copyright.PENANAsXWv6Xw0fA
62Please respect copyright.PENANAnY9WF5JiKq
An electric piano against one wall, a guitar on a stand, and something that looked like a smaller, plastic version of the piano with little buttons and dials I didn’t recognize, plugged into a computer setup near the window.62Please respect copyright.PENANAUx1HF93JHE
62Please respect copyright.PENANApZHMFcJ98A
One computer, but with three monitors lined up side by side, all three still on.62Please respect copyright.PENANA4UY8Rij4UN
62Please respect copyright.PENANACri7riUsQv
The middle one had lines of text. They were small, colorful, structured in a way that reminded me of what the programmer characters in dramas were working on when emphasized. Except this looked real. Less glamorous. Just a wall of text that I didn’t know what it meant.62Please respect copyright.PENANALutVwIsRUp
62Please respect copyright.PENANAm8tnSOqFQE
The screen on the left had a bunch of horizontal bars in different colors, all squiggly and uneven, kind of like one of those heart monitor lines from medical dramas but way more of them, stacked on top of each other, with little boxes and tiny switches everywhere.62Please respect copyright.PENANA2yB97ndQ7G
62Please respect copyright.PENANAmqaHsCW6C7
And the one on the right. Drawing? Just the outline of someone’s head, unfinished, floating in the middle of a mostly empty white background. No face yet. Just the shape.
62Please respect copyright.PENANA1OV80iUQLp
My eyes moved away from the screens, taking in the rest of the room.62Please respect copyright.PENANAApEAWhj5rE
62Please respect copyright.PENANAF6MVC33ACe
A drawing tablet. Papers stacked on a separate table, some of them weighted down with pencils, some of them half-finished with marks I couldn’t fully read from here. Notebooks. Drawing pads. Crumpled paper on the floor near the waste bin. Probably were thrown but didn’t quite make it. A lot of them were not even close to the waste bin. Rulers, erasers, pencils that had been used and not put back.62Please respect copyright.PENANAW64x3INO1Y
62Please respect copyright.PENANANbQ9RgM1wT
It was a mess. It was surprisingly chaotic and messy.62Please respect copyright.PENANA202T1LHyry
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I thought the living room fit him well because of how he moves and how he talks. Both with a certain precision.62Please respect copyright.PENANAP9h8SAIhms
62Please respect copyright.PENANAPeEjyywcpb
But this…62Please respect copyright.PENANAd3cF0WdphB
62Please respect copyright.PENANAcsMQsNPEr1
This explains the dark below his eyes.62Please respect copyright.PENANAKveUzdTh6Q
62Please respect copyright.PENANAUPw5TOZHp4
This explains the messy hair.62Please respect copyright.PENANAQWISCvF0bY
62Please respect copyright.PENANA6CS7YMVeAa
And I could totally picture him in here. Staying up late, scratching his head leaving his hair a mess. This room gave me everything the living room didn’t. I could guess exactly where he spent his time, what he put his hours into, what he cared about. Without him saying a single word about it.62Please respect copyright.PENANAsUzUsD0Kgw
62Please respect copyright.PENANAC0EowXFGtr
I forgot to breathe. So I did.
62Please respect copyright.PENANA3aqz0n9DsM
“Are you…” I searched for the right question. “A musician?”62Please respect copyright.PENANAoEuP6nxIlf
62Please respect copyright.PENANAZkpx7Tlfq0
“No,” he said. “I just bought those, I’m still learning.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAqXm5CuxyYo
62Please respect copyright.PENANARX5Ap9AWos
“All of them? The piano, the guitar, and…” I gestured vaguely at the plastic thing with the buttons.62Please respect copyright.PENANA1vsxLTQZB2
62Please respect copyright.PENANATfzqQTqXjm
“That’s a MIDI keyboard. I am currently trying to make music for my game.”62Please respect copyright.PENANArmCcQS8Otr
62Please respect copyright.PENANAaCkmEBYaml
“What about the drawings?”62Please respect copyright.PENANAoJgOWxOTkI
62Please respect copyright.PENANAeAs9rlb9Rq
“Also learning.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAHOcHbhlx0E
62Please respect copyright.PENANAyN6b9frGVE
“Are you making a manga?”62Please respect copyright.PENANA9ZVWzw7UKA
62Please respect copyright.PENANAllJt7u5g9g
“No. Just drawing for my game.”62Please respect copyright.PENANA6yRWIx4Lo1
62Please respect copyright.PENANAguWwQp8SBg
“And the computer? The colored texts?”62Please respect copyright.PENANAyIwdZRIYAl
62Please respect copyright.PENANAuEWdLA07DS
“Those are programs.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAwY4kzwiR2T
62Please respect copyright.PENANA3AAm2HuRta
“For making a game?”62Please respect copyright.PENANAWsXxmLSUkJ
62Please respect copyright.PENANAklbfZGDwj3
“Yes.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAaXodu1pTXV
62Please respect copyright.PENANA9SvqxYL1xR
“Isn’t that… aren’t you amazing?”62Please respect copyright.PENANAkrf20TcegJ
62Please respect copyright.PENANA87B8tkPUEP
“Not really. I know how to code now. I still don’t know how to draw or make music.”62Please respect copyright.PENANA3PuZ6zvo04
62Please respect copyright.PENANAGS2lA0swe4
But isn’t he still amazing?62Please respect copyright.PENANAMEJ6yc6R8m
62Please respect copyright.PENANA92ub0n5IAK
I looked at the three screens again. And that reinforced my thought. The lines of text, the squiggly bars, the half-finished head all just sat there. All equally impressed me.62Please respect copyright.PENANACt0AE1NbQs
62Please respect copyright.PENANAPlYYUGVloE
I opened my mouth but I didn’t know what I could say. The questions just ran in my head and they kept overlapping each other. And on top of that, some part of me felt like I was already prying just by standing here looking at all of it.
62Please respect copyright.PENANAEqwHd5Et6t
“How are you finding time to learn all of this?” I asked finally.62Please respect copyright.PENANAmq4sMpEnvN
62Please respect copyright.PENANA3YpeY650v3
“I have a schedule.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAi1EoCOVbIY
62Please respect copyright.PENANAIKXhKHiY1V
Of course. But still…62Please respect copyright.PENANAI4FMSxgOhr
62Please respect copyright.PENANAufXOyBzkpk
“Since when did you start?”62Please respect copyright.PENANAO8w4W9r9Xe
62Please respect copyright.PENANArWOn3silsV
“I started learning how to program since I was ten. Started making a game when I was thirteen. Started learning guitar when I was fourteen. Started learning how to draw last year. Started learning…”62Please respect copyright.PENANArZZXAO6UiO
62Please respect copyright.PENANAsUDGPaBZ1y
“Wait, okay I get it.” If I hadn’t stopped him there, I had a feeling he would list everything. And I had a feeling there was more than what I was seeing today. “So did you finish making a game?”62Please respect copyright.PENANAIZyWeYIheB
62Please respect copyright.PENANA8USeob0jkl
“I posted one online last year. Free. It was the one I’d been building since I started.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAoWJQoejrde
62Please respect copyright.PENANATiC10YQz8W
“How did it go?”62Please respect copyright.PENANAdsNMYGRlx1
62Please respect copyright.PENANAkQzLYJsfIO
“Around two thousand downloads, last time I checked.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAAkFJwo48LF
62Please respect copyright.PENANA62AK1SaOwC
Two thousand? Downloads? That many!?62Please respect copyright.PENANA0e0uwRiuRc
62Please respect copyright.PENANAjvErZKPwvc
I couldn’t even get a hundred views for that one dance video Yui and me posted when we were still in middle school. Isn’t two thousand like really good?62Please respect copyright.PENANAjJHP0H5bfF
62Please respect copyright.PENANAkiUSYRP3vp
“But that’s beside the point,” he said when I was about to say my thoughts. “Let’s go back to the living room. Let’s talk there.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAViZBSuhTSM
62Please respect copyright.PENANACa6j7IJNsT
As soon as he said that, reality snapped me back to the reason why I was here.62Please respect copyright.PENANAUly0jNQZLg
62Please respect copyright.PENANAfv9sPXAQ6X
He closed the door then started leading me back to the living room.62Please respect copyright.PENANA1lRq0bo2rT
62Please respect copyright.PENANAt5afVZ0tBe
My eyes couldn’t resist glancing for that room one last time.62Please respect copyright.PENANAHXYw6GCdQI
62Please respect copyright.PENANAadHX7hdIX2
I could never do that. I thought. And I meant it entirely without self-pity. It was the scale of it. This kind of sustained, quiet, solitary commitment to something was not something I had ever managed. Maybe that was part of why I was here.62Please respect copyright.PENANAk8aQXkPDUo
62Please respect copyright.PENANAZ4ELnReWKT
We entered the living room and I sat down where I’d been before. He took his end of the sofa. And for some reason, the room felt smaller. It wasn’t uncomfortable, it was just different. Like I was seeing it properly now instead of through a filter of nerves.62Please respect copyright.PENANA5UhCfzSsgb
62Please respect copyright.PENANAUmAsRSx3x3
“So,” I said. I knew what we were going to talk about now. I felt ready. “What is it?”62Please respect copyright.PENANAREqfQJtR4h
62Please respect copyright.PENANAeBm1c5oX6W
“If I do this,” he started, “I’ll have to set aside all of that.”62Please respect copyright.PENANACA0Of4PaGX
62Please respect copyright.PENANA4d3sbYKS8j
My eyes widened a little. I didn’t consider that.62Please respect copyright.PENANAdeTPBSGPyI
62Please respect copyright.PENANAklHuwErd7w
“My part-time job. I’ll have to quit it.”62Please respect copyright.PENANA7iM8nDYgSb
62Please respect copyright.PENANAFWhNkcp3FT
He has one? I had no idea.62Please respect copyright.PENANAxCXTZ5ZvHM
62Please respect copyright.PENANAnbV1tnK9se
“All the time I would spend learning to draw, learning to play music and making games. All of them will get reduced. As well as the time I have for my own studying.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAVMRA8drqjv
62Please respect copyright.PENANAWbWQ107muD
I wanted to cover my face with both my hands. I felt confident opening the conversation as soon as we got back to the living room. Now, I was feeling the weight of all the things that he was saying. The heavy sacrifices that he was willing to make for my sake. And everything felt like pressure sat on my back.62Please respect copyright.PENANAYhUJTURppv
62Please respect copyright.PENANAvsiQ1xX09R
“You don’t have to do that,” I said.62Please respect copyright.PENANACZgw6XO43K
62Please respect copyright.PENANAZb5HYuD4ag
“I do.” No hesitation. “If I’m going to tutor you, I’m not doing it with half an effort. When I set a goal I intend to reach it.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAWTRGBNDKJU
62Please respect copyright.PENANAiDFDQt7I8w
“But...” I, on the other hand, hesitated. “But if you stop now…” I didn’t know what to say. But somehow he knew what to answer.62Please respect copyright.PENANA45m0zUCO15
62Please respect copyright.PENANA0i7d00kD2K
“I am not stopping. I can go back to learning once we’re done.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAXOZhHg3qBv
62Please respect copyright.PENANA2KzGIFxdwu
Why?62Please respect copyright.PENANAyX8HKfLcEq
62Please respect copyright.PENANAVRabIPEPNu
“Why would you do all that for someone you don’t even know?”62Please respect copyright.PENANACZg3RNiEmo
62Please respect copyright.PENANAJhNe6F95ge
He paused for a moment and stared at me. As if he was trying to figure out how to answer what I asked.62Please respect copyright.PENANAwnAv9WATu8
62Please respect copyright.PENANAtrdZ1Gpc7D
“Because you need help,” he finally said.62Please respect copyright.PENANAHK8TvOlNY7
62Please respect copyright.PENANAeieuOykbRR
I waited for the rest of it. There wasn’t any.62Please respect copyright.PENANA8e2YghuVNA
62Please respect copyright.PENANApvSMg8GQSJ
That’s it? I felt like he was about to say more. Was that really all? Because I needed help, he would ruin his schedule, quit his part-time job and cut into his dream?62Please respect copyright.PENANABPpCSp2qlb
62Please respect copyright.PENANAjDn3JlBq3T
I didn’t understand. I thought I had figured him out. But it felt like what I knew was far too little compared to what I didn’t know.62Please respect copyright.PENANAniGBIuI90l
62Please respect copyright.PENANAgVK2Mdjx9A
But he continued.62Please respect copyright.PENANAB9xSH03qY7
62Please respect copyright.PENANA6uUzI00rXi
“Honestly, when I first looked at your test papers I was going to say no.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAJAlbo5qa2h
62Please respect copyright.PENANAKJMUl727U2
Obviously.62Please respect copyright.PENANAB4AgLNOs1j
62Please respect copyright.PENANAcGQ18JQbvA
“But when I looked at the answers themselves. They weren’t random. You never left a question blank. Every answer had a logic behind it, even when it was completely wrong. That logic came from somewhere. It means you were thinking, not guessing. I saw the hard work written on every answer. They were just tangled up with the wrong methods.” He kept his eyes on me. “If we work the right way, you’ll get a different result.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAkEMI3MbJjh
62Please respect copyright.PENANAtrszSxj3fR
I sat with that.62Please respect copyright.PENANABD4I7i6mIo
62Please respect copyright.PENANAVLMlXpbZwx
Hard work written on every answer.62Please respect copyright.PENANAt5sP0sbh93
62Please respect copyright.PENANABqvIuYR6rI
I bit my lip. I did give my all. I spent nights reading textbooks I tried to understand. In the end, I wasn’t able to and I thought it was impossible for me. And here was someone looking at the same evidence and arriving at a completely different conclusion.62Please respect copyright.PENANAKkR4XRus8j
62Please respect copyright.PENANAjmgT8yyTUC
I wanted to believe it. Can he really make me become a top ten student in a year?62Please respect copyright.PENANAaPrHjqsBCt
62Please respect copyright.PENANAuZETpd8v6f
I stared at my hands.62Please respect copyright.PENANA99QD9pBKkg
62Please respect copyright.PENANAhax4pF8CLP
If I worked hard just like him, then maybe? If he thought it was achievable, then maybe? If he was sounding very sure of it… then it might actually be real.
62Please respect copyright.PENANAHS7itPsOFW
“But I need some kind of insurance,” he suddenly said. “If I put everything in and you still failed, I need something in return. I don’t like wasting time.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAy4RG710kFr
62Please respect copyright.PENANAAaiaGXCdrH
I nodded. Reluctant. I didn’t know if I could promise not to waste his time.62Please respect copyright.PENANArcXuynNRzB
62Please respect copyright.PENANAdcGTRgmAZS
“What is it?” I asked.62Please respect copyright.PENANA6GgoxjBVjl
62Please respect copyright.PENANASCLD5SaVgP
“If you fail an exam. Midterms and finals, for the rest of the year. For every subject you fail, I get five minutes.”62Please respect copyright.PENANA4uA9MSwhVU
62Please respect copyright.PENANAninmac2Bsu
I waited.62Please respect copyright.PENANAO5QQeLDYmj
62Please respect copyright.PENANA5RWxjFWiua
“Five minutes. To touch you.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAOlQOAc8zMy
62Please respect copyright.PENANATBbTaCe7nD
The room didn’t move.62Please respect copyright.PENANAyEEhPhpOUa
62Please respect copyright.PENANAq7nf3ZtRjU
I heard the words. I understood the words individually. They just didn’t make sense when I put them together. Assembling into something I couldn’t process correctly.62Please respect copyright.PENANAfwt2rSYdDr
62Please respect copyright.PENANAnO95yDOyVZ
“Touch me?” I said. I wanted him to say that he was just joking.62Please respect copyright.PENANAxtDQVlo4dk
62Please respect copyright.PENANAgluyWogEz9
“Yes.”62Please respect copyright.PENANA2pkXTYMKsc
62Please respect copyright.PENANABiwI6dYqs0
He wasn’t.62Please respect copyright.PENANAe6ZQziOSdI
62Please respect copyright.PENANAawiXdYAxiP
My hand tightened slightly on my bag.62Please respect copyright.PENANAJ2DJuDypPg
62Please respect copyright.PENANAb55mQRSI0v
Absolutely not. That is supposed to be the answer. Immediate. Clear. Correct.62Please respect copyright.PENANAK4lCCwmeoQ
62Please respect copyright.PENANAf7oGtzvLsb
If he failed me on purpose, how could I ever tell? If the consequence of my failure was something that benefited him, what was stopping him from not doing it? He could teach me badly on purpose, or not at all, and collect whatever he wanted from whatever subject I failed.62Please respect copyright.PENANAUxUEU3TleK
62Please respect copyright.PENANAvqXAMKYQva
I needed to say that. I needed to push back on it directly. The words were right there.62Please respect copyright.PENANAxwy0MbDoKq
62Please respect copyright.PENANAp9K36QH9fA
I looked at him.62Please respect copyright.PENANAKEdXP31k0v
62Please respect copyright.PENANAoOAljhGLUw
I opened my mouth, but he went first.62Please respect copyright.PENANAMawzGh4xzs
62Please respect copyright.PENANAAdtYvx5Oz4
“Don’t misunderstand,” he said. “I’m not going to teach you halfheartedly. When I said top ten, that wasn’t a promise. It’s my intention. And I intend to follow through on it. But I need to know your resolve.”62Please respect copyright.PENANArNxZP2TEup
62Please respect copyright.PENANAybS1T48S4p
I didn’t move.62Please respect copyright.PENANAYe7CHUSQIC
62Please respect copyright.PENANACknXQYEC3k
My resolve?62Please respect copyright.PENANAipr6oItKlS
62Please respect copyright.PENANA4sHlF8hVAo
“You don’t have to decide now,” he continued. “You don’t have to decide at all. If you don’t come back, that’s your answer.” He paused. “But if you do come back. Then that’s your answer too. Not just to me. To yourself.”62Please respect copyright.PENANA1bSUNGUZMF
62Please respect copyright.PENANAsxBuJYSBmd
I didn’t know what to say to that so I didn’t say anything.62Please respect copyright.PENANAjYeGFslBcN
62Please respect copyright.PENANAVrhzQ9a4fp
“You can go,” he said.62Please respect copyright.PENANA0mJVBQEnd2
62Please respect copyright.PENANAtVcNaqmrYH
I didn’t move right away. I didn’t know if I can even move right away.62Please respect copyright.PENANAvWc6bPnRvo
62Please respect copyright.PENANAj6Y32WbI7B
When my eyes reached him, I saw him reading his book again, like he just didn’t say the most outrageous thing to say to a girl.
62Please respect copyright.PENANAXVfzFraD0J
For a moment I sat with everything. I felt the weight of what he’d put on the table and the equal weight of what he was offering in return.62Please respect copyright.PENANAyuAuuHxjPr
62Please respect copyright.PENANAwAIdyhZ1L9
Finally I stood up. I picked up my bag from the floor and held it against my chest.62Please respect copyright.PENANAmVYbSdV55P
62Please respect copyright.PENANAGfPCTVuNcx
I started walking towards the door, as fast as I could.62Please respect copyright.PENANASy1SjsQ6st
62Please respect copyright.PENANAQWVhg5rI4t
“The condition stays between us,” he said before I could walk towards the hallway.62Please respect copyright.PENANAXbSNz6w47G
62Please respect copyright.PENANAj9EG2pEZ57
I hesitantly nodded. I shouldn’t have. It felt like agreeing to something before I’d decided anything. But I also didn’t want anyone else carrying the weight of this before I’d figured out what I was going to do with it myself.62Please respect copyright.PENANAo71CbL0L8P
62Please respect copyright.PENANA0VhXpBVNFW
I let myself out.
62Please respect copyright.PENANAT1wbG4IIaD
The elevator was waiting. I got in.62Please respect copyright.PENANAdndGBP7hfT
62Please respect copyright.PENANAs5sn4C3QNB
What do I do?62Please respect copyright.PENANAW3sAST61SC
62Please respect copyright.PENANAxTB9I1cddL
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------62Please respect copyright.PENANA0avFjz7lNA
Wednesday, Night.
62Please respect copyright.PENANAkV2k2paImy
That night I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling with the lights off. Dinner was done. My replies to the group chat were done. Just enough to prove I was alive and accounted for, nothing that invited follow-up questions I wasn’t ready to answer.62Please respect copyright.PENANAhwe0s95yo0
62Please respect copyright.PENANACjgFtVBMGf
The dark was easier right now. Less to look at. More space to think, or to avoid thinking, which was what I was mostly doing.62Please respect copyright.PENANAASLe2VddoZ
62Please respect copyright.PENANAJjtudLgWkA
My phone rang.62Please respect copyright.PENANA1wLna5rml9
62Please respect copyright.PENANAPgdYp9cIvZ
Mika.62Please respect copyright.PENANAGavZDP3S98
62Please respect copyright.PENANAARgjgVGzTA
I picked up.62Please respect copyright.PENANAhiaHsEFPGc
62Please respect copyright.PENANAkDMqx9dSNi
“Hello.”
62Please respect copyright.PENANAppQvpR6Vpn
“Are you okay?”62Please respect copyright.PENANA3C1OE8sEhw
62Please respect copyright.PENANA7mvWGqaABr
“I am. Don’t worry.”62Please respect copyright.PENANA3W5Y3aEkpq
62Please respect copyright.PENANAs5m27cP894
“Did he do anything?”62Please respect copyright.PENANAz911GodjWF
62Please respect copyright.PENANAPtlmXkxOBW
“No.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAKX8tGYTLKc
62Please respect copyright.PENANAwdn1yhmKjl
“Are you sure?”62Please respect copyright.PENANAyQ5x68VgNO
62Please respect copyright.PENANAXCFU34egvx
“I’m sure.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAIkBZKeulEV
62Please respect copyright.PENANA444Oyd9813
She didn’t answer for a few seconds.62Please respect copyright.PENANAASlYiisSzj
62Please respect copyright.PENANALpFX4Mr6EP
“You don’t sound sure.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAJIwc5kdm7s
62Please respect copyright.PENANADlFMzqg6Pq
“I’m just tired.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAmfF3C1TITR
62Please respect copyright.PENANA2D9Q9eIBqp
“...Really?”62Please respect copyright.PENANAzUWIa99KqU
62Please respect copyright.PENANAGmghW59Tm0
“Yes.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAMLcSaqsorm
62Please respect copyright.PENANA8LDbH2dP6c
She paused.62Please respect copyright.PENANAeQFl81eYXo
62Please respect copyright.PENANAtpPKIkllBJ
“Okay.” Her voice was careful. “I’ll let you sleep. But tomorrow, tell me everything.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAePeVFQSKeL
62Please respect copyright.PENANAc8Nv7sxlQp
“Okay.”62Please respect copyright.PENANAfa6vsaF0RR
62Please respect copyright.PENANAMtBvvO2ZqQ
She hung up.62Please respect copyright.PENANADElxyRdBEI
62Please respect copyright.PENANAEdDIzBsjQx
I lay there in the dark looking at the ceiling.62Please respect copyright.PENANAigeXryRjEV
62Please respect copyright.PENANAU0dwcibXqB
Sorry, Mika.62Please respect copyright.PENANAFUKxwkv8ZN
62Please respect copyright.PENANAeMTBW4yG78
I was already apologizing to her in my head. Because I knew, even now, that I wasn’t going to be able to tell her everything. Not even a single word of what had been said.62Please respect copyright.PENANAOBne8ywJlg
62Please respect copyright.PENANAqYF71wWYZU
That part…62Please respect copyright.PENANAqTQ6zhNLYP
62Please respect copyright.PENANAKfvlU8Zf9C
All of them…62Please respect copyright.PENANAWNwffr4sg3
62Please respect copyright.PENANAUi8ybeYkcH
Were all mine to carry…62Please respect copyright.PENANAEdr11Q55ap
62Please respect copyright.PENANAOlhnP5MbNl
I pressed my hand flat against my chest.62Please respect copyright.PENANA56V611xJWZ
62Please respect copyright.PENANAPLZxMOFfIy
What do I do?62Please respect copyright.PENANAsA7fA5UVUT
62Please respect copyright.PENANAQlpodC3wNl
The ceiling had no answers. It was just a ceiling.62Please respect copyright.PENANAMdd12hn1DE
62Please respect copyright.PENANABy7hzpfpsz
But somewhere underneath all the weight of it, quieter than everything else, something was still there.62Please respect copyright.PENANAVVOgJMll3Y
62Please respect copyright.PENANAWrFck2DrAg
I saw the hard work written on every answer.62Please respect copyright.PENANAAV6kWCD5V5
62Please respect copyright.PENANAShsyxFLXJj
I closed my eyes.


