Dear Li Jie,
I hope everything is fine with you. I have finally found out why that person disappeared out of thin air, but I must say that the whole situation is absurd and unimaginable. I find it difficult to put into words.
Currently, I am staying with a kind-hearted woman named Bai Lanjia. She has offered me accommodation because I couldn't afford it myself. She sympathizes with me and feels sorry for my situation. We have been trying everything possible to meet him in person, hoping to find some clues. Although Hong Kong is not as bustling as Shanghai, it offers a variety of delicious food that is worth tasting. After this incident (I still can't tell you what happened), I should have developed a deep hatred for anything related to religion. However, the beautiful religious rituals and the virtues of Bai Lanjia have captivated my imagination and sometimes made me forget the pain. They even helped me to slightly understand his behavior. But these feelings are only temporary. Ah, perhaps after saying this, you may have already guessed what has happened to me. I am staying here now to understand the whole situation, but my rational mind still cannot comprehend why he underwent such a drastic change...
After finishing the letter to Li Jie, the sun had just risen. I folded the letter, put it into an envelope, affixed a stamp, and then prepared myself, dressing up and wearing a veil. I accompanied Bai Lanjia to attend the Mass at the church. It has become my daily routine lately, and I have become so accustomed to it that it feels natural, as if I were a devout believer myself. It's funny to think that there are so many churches in Shanghai with daily Masses, but I have never thought about attending or observing them. Now, I am purely a spectator, even though I have received an education, and though I can't understand the Latin used in the liturgy, there are English translations in the prayer books that I can comprehend. However, I still cannot fully grasp the meaning of the entire ceremony, and I can only show my respect. My purpose is not solely to watch the ceremony but to catch a glimpse of him, assisting the priest at the altar. When it comes to the main part of the Mass, after the priest finishes his sermon, I have to conscientiously leave because the following parts are not meant for outsiders like us.
Once the ceremony was over, I hurriedly went to the queue where the priests and monks were. I politely asked the leading priest for an opportunity to talk to one of the monks. However, the priest sternly shook his head, maintaining a serious expression, and continued walking. I looked at him, but he kept his head down, not uttering a word, completely ignoring my presence. This indifference hurt me the most and made me feel my dignity being trampled upon time and time again.
Bai Lanjia was still kneeling inside the church, praying not only for herself but also for everyone around her, especially me. I entered the church and sat quietly behind her, picking up a book from the church to pass the time. I feel so guilty towards Bai Lanjia. On normal days, she performs various sacrifices and hard work. Recently, she has taken on additional mortifications because of my situation, making her face even paler, and her delicate figure kneeling on the kneeler seems like it could collapse at any moment. For example, when we have meals at her home, she always cooks everything herself, preparing various extravagant dishes for me. She asks if it's enough and, if not, she goes out to buy extra. Knowing that I like sweets, she occasionally buys pastries from the Ronghua Bakery across the street for me, while she herself only eats plain oatmeal porridge and a little bit of vegetables and fruits. On Fridays, during the fasting day, she doesn't even eat fruits. As for me, being a non-believer, I naturally don't engage in any prayers or penance. However, she wants me to convert to Catholicism, and in order to continue receiving her help, I reluctantly promised her that I would consider it. As a result, she suffers more pain because of my situation than the inner torment and sadness I experience. Sometimes I feel regretful, wondering why I have tormented Miss Bai for something that seems trivial, as if forcing her conscience to do all this for me. But I also have selfish thoughts, believing that she willingly does all this on her own, and I, wanting to get the answers I seek, am willing to sacrifice everything without hesitation.
Sigh, believing in God should be illusory, yet it makes people selfless. Love between a man and a woman should be the most genuine, yet it has made me so selfish. But isn't virtue what's real and sin what's vanity? What is truth, and what is vanity? I can't help but feel a bit lost.
After Miss Bai finished praying, I stood up with her and we walked out of the church. She said to me, "Today, the dean priest of the Holy Mother's Sanctuary will be at our school for confessions. I will find an opportunity to talk to him in detail about your situation, hoping to arrange a conversation for you."
Although Miss Bai is a teacher at the parish school, she doesn't have many chances to meet the dean priest. After parting ways, I went to the hospital where I had promised to help her, passing the time of the day. She didn't ask me to do this, but I wanted to keep myself busy to reduce the chances of feeling sad about my own situation. Moreover, while I was at the hospital, especially with the recent frequent conflicts, refugees were pouring into Hong Kong every day, and I had to face various terrible poverty and diseases. The putrid smell was overwhelming, and there were constant family members coming to identify their loved ones. Yet the nuns and nurses, dressed in heavy habits, tirelessly and patiently poured water, administered medication, cleaned wounds, dealt with bodily excretions and pus on the beds, and received and comforted family members. In the face of the heavy cycle of life and death that unfolded daily at the hospital, I couldn't help but feel lost. The things I cared about seemed so insignificant and feeble compared to the weight of it all.
"No, you're wrong, a person's life is never solely for romantic love." As I stood in silence with a few nuns in front of the window of a patient who had just passed away, and they began singing a solemn prayer, I silently spoke to that person who had already abandoned everything and had no connection to me in my head. Life is so insignificant, yet so grand. So, what is a person's life really for? What is the meaning of birth, aging, illness, and death? Is this why he became a monk?
After serving at the hospital, I went to Miss Bai's school and happened to see a line forming for confessions in the church. A sudden thought crossed my mind. I looked around and didn't see Miss Bai, so I couldn't resist the impulse in my heart. I used the scarf around my neck to cover my hair and blended into the line for confessions.
“In nomine Patri, et Filii, et Spiritui Sancti.”
I knelt in the confessional booth, made the sign of the cross with the priest, and went straight to the point, saying, "Father, I am not a Catholic, nor do I have any sins to confess. I have some questions to ask you."
The priest's silence was taken as consent by me.
"...Can you tell me why your monastery took away my fiancé?"
"Child, it is the will of God. If you do not have faith in Him, you will not understand. Your fiancé is now a monk, no longer belongs to you, nor to his parents, nor to this world. He has sacrificed himself before the altar of God."
"This is impossible! He is an atheist! He cannot believe in religion, let alone become a monk!"
"Before God, nothing is impossible, and no one can prevent God's sheep from returning to His flock. Child, please leave. There are people and things in your life that are more important than him. May God bless you."
After saying that, the priest closed the inner panel of the confessional booth and moved to the other side to listen to the confession of the next person. I stood up bewildered and walked out of the church, just in time to see Miss Bai walking towards me.
"You're here. Once the priest finishes hearing confessions, I'll take you to talk to him. I'll go for confession first, please wait for me."
I nodded and sat down on a bench under the shade of a nearby tree, contemplating the words of the priest. No longer belonging to this world? Is that possible? Aren't we all born into this world, and isn't death the extinguishing of a light, with the body decaying in this world? "If you do not have faith in Him, you will not understand," I remembered those words. So, if I want to understand all of this and find answers, do I have to become a believer? No, no, no! At least for now, I refuse. If I want to understand these things, I can ask Miss Bai. There is no need for personal practice. But relying solely on what others say without personal experience seems to contradict my scientific knowledge.
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