I shall not ponder, and you shall not ponder me. Just take that heart you gave me, straight to someone else!
Xie Ximeng, "Fortune Telling"
"Have you ever thought about it? - In one's lifetime, it might be for nobler reasons, right?" He suddenly asked me that day.
"What's wrong? You're suddenly talking like a religious person."
"I didn't say these nobler reasons are necessarily for some divine being. However, I feel that among human emotions, the most complex and noble is love, isn't it?"
"Love?"
"The love I'm talking about is not the delusional fanaticism of a religious person, but the natural bond between a man and a woman. You see, how many people are willing to risk their lives for love? Because of this entangled love between two individuals, the sacred covenant of marriage has emerged in this world, where two originally independent souls seem to merge together and can't be separated for a lifetime. And then, the next generation of humanity arises, truly perpetuated through love."
"When you talk about marriage, you sound like those religious people. As far as I can see, marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper that gives moral clothing to human desires, backed by laws. I don't believe in souls, those are all the delusions of religious people. Scientists dissect the human body, have they ever seen a soul? Tell me, have you been listening to some religious sermons and feel like your soul has undergone some kind of baptism?"
"The words of religious people are not entirely wrong. Although we can't see where the soul is inside this body of mine, you also can't find where my love for you is hidden in which organ, yet you can still feel my love for you, can't you? You know I don't believe in God, and I won't believe in any religion, but if love is also a kind of religion, and it's a religion that all of humanity believes in, then it is the greatest truth in the world." He said with a profound look, "You are my goddess, the only one I believe in and truly love."
My face couldn't help but blush, "Where did you learn such cheesy words?"
"Why would I learn someone else's words to say to you?" He looked into my eyes seriously, "Since I met you, my soul can only laugh foolishly and forget my lines, but in the blink of an eye, I'm filled with thoughts again."
I sat up in bed, staring blankly at this unfamiliar room. I had a long, chaotic dream last night, some fragments of memories between him and me, some imagined scenes, but I can no longer remember or care about them.
I only remember yesterday morning, before stepping into the church, a kind-hearted woman stopped me and handed me a delicate white lace headscarf. I smiled faintly and put on this headscarf that seemed like a religious restraint to me. I stood in the corner, leaning against the wall, listening to the solemn sound of the organ mixed with the ancient Latin chants echoing through the church, and the fragrance of incense rising to the sky, as if truly offering it to the supreme deity. In an instant, I felt a kind of divine beauty that I had never experienced before. Suddenly, my heart was filled with an indescribable comfort and moved by a natural sense of belonging, as if I was born to be integrated into this ritual, even though most of the people in the hall were Westerners, and I was a genuine Chinese. I focused on the altar: Would a divine being really descend from heaven there?
At that moment, I was immersed in the beauty of this sacred ceremony, completely forgetting the purpose of my journey. It wasn't until a group of men in black robes, holding lit white candles, walked in a line to the front of the stage that I clearly saw a familiar figure among them. Finally, I remembered the purpose of my journey and opened my mouth in astonishment but couldn't utter a word. He and the other men knelt at the front of the stage, and the bishop took the candle from his hand and a razor, shaving off his hair. Suddenly, I heard the sobbing of a woman from the other side. I turned my head and saw his poor mother. He turned his head, glanced at his mother, then lowered his head with obedient eyes, allowing the bishop to continue the ceremony. Her voice grew louder, gradually transitioning from sobbing to inconsolable wailing. I wanted to go over and comfort her, but I couldn't because I myself wasn't faring much better. A tearing pain in my heart had rendered me unable to move; my entire body was paralyzed. Finally, I saw her comforted and supported by several faithfuls beside her and left the church.
After the ordination ceremony was completed, he stood up, donning the hood on the black robe, and with folded hands, he walked to the side of the altar. He must have seen me, for when his gaze turned towards me, a trace of panic appeared on his face. Before I could react, he furrowed his brow, averted his gaze, and pulled the hood down slightly, covering his face.
That traitor to science and modern civilization! I suddenly realized what had happened—it was not some woman he had taken away from me, but the God we had both refused to believe in all along. I clenched my lower lip tightly, reached a conclusion in my heart, and regained some ability to move. I angrily turned away from the church, standing in the pouring rain, allowing the water to drench me. I wanted to prove that all of this was just a dream, an absurd dream, but the rain hitting me made me acutely feel its bone-chilling coldness. I saw my clothes quickly becoming soaked, even the delicate headscarf borrowed from someone else slipped off due to the weight added by the rain. I looked towards the end of the road; his mother had already disappeared from sight. I turned around again, lifted my head, and gazed at the spire of the church. Suddenly, my consciousness became blurred, and my body involuntarily fell to the ground.
It was still dark outside. After going through everything like a carousel in my mind, I covered my face and tears flowed incessantly, wetting the blanket I held in my arms. I thought I must have fainted and been rescued by a kind-hearted person. It was already embarrassing enough to spend the night as a guest, and now I had used an innocent person's blanket as a tissue for wiping my tears. I didn't know how to face the host. Thinking this, I suddenly burst into laughter, but I couldn't stop crying. Like a madwoman, I alternated between laughing and crying with my various thoughts and memories. Suddenly, a knock on the door resounded, and I was startled. Hurriedly, I wiped my tears with the blanket and said, "Come in."
"Miss, are you feeling better?" A slender woman wearing a neatly tailored dark gray coat and a black hat gently pushed open the door and asked, "Why are you crying? What happened?" Seeing my appearance, she quickly put down what she was holding and walked over in small steps, anxiously asking.
I was about to say it was nothing when my nose tingled, and tears gushed out. I no longer cared who this woman in front of me was; at this moment, I just wanted to pour out all the frustrations in my heart, no matter who I spoke to. Choking back my sobs, I recounted the whole story in bits and pieces.
The sun rose, and a beam of sunlight streamed through the window. The sound of church bells could be heard from nearby.
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