Leaning against the green gauze wardrobe,
Composing endless verses of longing.
Unable to see the one I long for,
Afflicted by the illness of yearning.16Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6TJCaYwvut
Tong Di-sang, "’The Butterfly Shadow and Red Pear Blossoms"
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A sun-dappled Saturday afternoon. The library of Tongji Medical University was as quiet as ever. I was writing something, and the pen in my hand was suddenly out of ink. I frowned, and I got up about to fill up the ink. When I looked up, I saw a man wearing a succinct white shirt, suit pants, and a felt hat, walking into the library. He walked straight to me, picked up the hat, smiled on his handsome face, and greeted me in fluent French: “Bonjour, Mademoiselle.”
"Good morning." I glanced at him. Although I disdained his worship of western culture in my heart, I still smiled and replied politely in Mandarin.
“You know French?!” He seemed a little surprised.
"Is this that rare? If it is in France, even a beggar would know French." I smiled at him and looked at his student ID card, put down the pen, got up and picked up my feet, and got the book on the shelf that he ordered the day before yesterday. The book was taken out and handed to him. He reached out and picked it up. At the moment when his fingertips touched the book, he suddenly turned into a smog. I reached out and couldn’t catch anything…
I woke up from this nightmare that I could not even count how many times I had it already. I opened my eyes and looked at the pendulum clock, it was 1:30 in the morning. I could not go back to sleep, despite the fact that for several nights, I had been tossing and turning until twelve to fall into shallow sleep, which was followed by awakening at 1:30. My face looked terrible, but I had no energy to pay attention to it. All I kept thinking and thinking about, was that one person, the one who inexplicably disappeared from my life. I got up and lit the oil lamp, took a piece of stationery under the dim light, and picked up the pen and ink, and it was another long night.
"Marry me." One early morning, within the mist rising from the lake, we sat beside a small pavilion in the center of the West Lake. He said, and looked at me affectionately, gently turned my bangs to the side.
"Proposal? Shouldn't it be more sincere?"
"Well, what do you want? How many red roses?"
"It's boring stuff. It's better if you... give me your heart?"
"I can’t." He looked at me, gently took a bunch of my hair, kissed it gently, and the smile in his eyes was deep. "You have it already."
I didn't know how to respond, so I turned my head shyly and looked at the looming peaks in the fog.
He took my hand and put on a delicate red jade bracelet, said in my ear, "This is what my mother gave me. This jade bracelet was passed down by my family, now it is our token of attachment. My fiancée, you are owing me yourself, remember to marry me."
My fiancé… Why would I think of the scene again that happened during the West Lake trip on the Retrocession Day again? It was right on the bank of the West Lake that I saw him for the last time before he disappeared. Staring at the blank letter paper in front of me, my hand that was holding the pen started to tremble, with all that sorrow in my heart that I didn't even know how to express. Setting down the pen, I rubbed my hands against the cold jade bracelet and pondered for a while. Then I lifted the pen again and started writing, page after page, crumpling them up and throwing them away. When I snapped out of my thoughts, the floor was covered in paper balls, and the lamp was almost burned out. Waves of pain surged through my heart, almost causing me to faint.
In fact, I had already sent no less than thirty or forty letters. I had written everything that needed to be said, both the things I should and shouldn't say. Now I don't know what else to write. I recited the address written on the letter he sent me, staring at it blankly, lost in thought for a long time.
"Snap out of it. He's just an unfaithful person. There's nothing special about his current behavior. He simply doesn't like you anymore, but doesn't know how to tell you, or maybe he just doesn't care about you anymore. So not telling you is fine, he probably thinks it will work itself out." My reason and the words of my friends echoed in my mind.
"Maybe, but I still can't believe he could be so heartless." On the other hand, I thought like that.
The battle between reason and emotions began again. But as long as I didn't get an answer from him, my heart remained suspended. In the second-to-last letter, he still expressed his affection, wishing to report every little detail that happened. The final letter came the next day and was very short, with a cold and rushed tone, and the words seemed to hide something. After that, there were no more letters. But strangely, the thirty or forty letters I sent were not returned. Those thirty or forty letters had already exhausted all the questions I wanted to ask. Since he hadn't replied, I couldn't narrate the story properly anymore; all I could do was keep asking.
Since I was young, I had always been someone who dug deep for answers. When faced with such illogical events, it would naturally cause me great distress as I searched for answers. Moreover, he was my fiancé, a person who was important to me. Was he tired of me, or had he found another woman to marry? Or had something happened? But if something had happened, how could his articles have been published in the school magazine? No, it couldn't be. I suppose he just doesn't love me anymore.
The wounds caused by emotions were still not healed, but I believed that time would heal everything. In any case, I had made all kinds of guesses and almost confirmed them. However, I still wanted an answer, a definite answer from his own mouth.
"Ah, this indecisive man who is so fickle. It makes me so angry that I want to teach him a lesson! Can't you just stop thinking about him? Don't mind him anymore. Look at yourself, it truly breaks my heart!" My cousin, Li Jie, who lived in the adjacent room, snatched the train ticket from my hand and angrily shouted at me, "There are beautiful places everywhere! Besides, it's a different era now. Women can live even without love! Look at all the literature works that portray lovesick men and women, they're just trying to warn future generations that love is so troublesome, it hinders progress! Besides, don't you still have me? Clearly, your best friend is your true love!"
I could only bow my head, hold back my tears, and silently lift my suitcase. I said, "Li Jie, I can't let go. For no other reason than this. Don't stop me, let me make this trip and make a definitive decision."
"Sigh, you're more stubborn than me when you get like this." Li Jie sighed and said, "Didn't my dad already tell you? There's nothing special about it. Sometimes people are bored and lonely, so they find someone they like to love. But later, they get tired and want to find something new. My dad told me a long time ago that men are like that. They can only settle down a bit after marriage, so he told me not to waste time and focus on my studies. He'll arrange my marriage."
"Even if it's just to confirm this theory, I have to go. If it's true, then consider it a learning experience. I'll come back and accompany you as the trendiest single lady, alright?" Since my uncle, who was also Li Jie's father, was a psychology professor at the school, his analysis would naturally be accurate. But I wouldn't believe a theory until I personally verified it. That's my scientific upbringing. That's why, unlike many Chinese people who still adhere to old customs and traditions, I consider myself an open-minded agnostic with no taboos.
"You... Please be careful over there, after all, you're a girl. If anything happens, immediately send a telegram... No, forget about saving money if something goes wrong, call my dad." Li Jie had nothing more to say and could only glare at me fiercely, returning the train ticket and giving me her father's phone number.
"Alright, alright. Can you take me to the train station?"
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Kowloon, Hong Kong.
Along the way, pedestrians came and went, and the walls were adorned with new movie posters. There were densely packed small shops and department stores, as well as vendors selling sweet drinks and popsicles. Although it was prosperous, it couldn't compare to the allure of Shanghai. Among the crowd, one could often spot "black crows" – priests and nuns dressed in black robes.
Before long, I stood in front of a luxurious mansion. The doorbell emitted a squeaky electrical sound.
"Hello, miss..." an old man wearing a black suit and with white hair looked at me cautiously through the gap in the iron gate. I assumed he was the butler, so I explained the purpose of my visit and handed him the letter.
Soon, the butler led me to the living room, where a middle-aged woman dressed in luxurious Western attire was already waiting for me. Upon closer inspection, her facial features resembled his a bit, so I assumed she was Shuyi’s mother.
She glanced at me indifferently, a trace of sorrow crossing her face. "The person you're looking for no longer lives here. I am his mother. Oh, what a pitiful situation. You must be Miss Kun, the one who frequently writes letters. Ah, such a pretty young girl. I've kept your letters safe and tried to find an opportunity to show them to him, hoping he would change his mind. Alas, it's a pity..."
"He's getting married to someone else?!" My heart twitched, and I trembled, causing the tea to spill on my clothes. My cheeks burned and throbbed as if slapped by those intimate letters being collected by his mother.
"That's right. But I would have preferred if the bride were you. In any case, tomorrow morning at six o'clock, come to this address, and you'll understand," she casually wrote something on a piece of paper. It was the address of the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception. Then she gave some instructions to the staff, and soon they brought out a neatly organized stack of envelopes and handed them to me.
They were already preparing for the wedding so quickly. I couldn't believe that he would treat me like this. Not only did he change his heart, but he was also getting married without even telling me, leaving me waiting in vain. I had poured my heart into writing thirty or forty deeply affectionate letters, filled with hope, and anxiously awaited his replies day and night. Yet, this devoted behavior turned into humiliation for myself! I tremblingly accepted those letters and couldn't utter a word for a long time. Finally, I silently took off the jade bracelet and placed it on the coffee table in front of me.
"Thank you for telling me all this. I'll leave now, and this jade bracelet should go back to its rightful owner."
His mother provided me with a set of clothes that fit reasonably well and arranged for a driver to take me. Holding those letters in my hand, I sat in the back seat of the car, wanting to tear them up, but lacking the energy to do so. I absentmindedly placed them in my suitcase, and in the process, a piece of paper slipped out of one of the envelopes. When I picked it up, I realized it was a drawing of him that I had doodled with a ballpoint pen during a boring class.
I stared at the portrait, his eyebrows, his slightly upturned mouth... until the car suddenly stopped. I checked into a hotel near the church. Once I closed the door, I collapsed on the floor, unable to speak through my tears.
Li Jie was right, and so was my rational deduction. At this moment, all the fantasies and excuses I made for him have been shattered. Was it worth it for me to come on this trip? Perhaps it was still worth it. At least now I know the truth and see through all men in this world, including him. I always thought he was a special man, seeing the passion for life and the rigor for knowledge in his eyes. I naturally assumed he would take love seriously and be responsible. I never expected him to be so casual and play with my emotions.
When he was with me, I could feel that he was truly devoted to me because I am always sensitive. If he had the slightest distraction, I would have noticed. However, a man's sincerity is like the snow in early winter, it quickly melts when the sun comes out!
Weakly, I propped myself up and sat on the edge of the bed, looking out the window where I could see a white Gothic-style church.
"I want to get married at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris. But Paris is too far, so Xu Jiahui (St. Ignatius Cathedral) will do," he suddenly said that night as we sat shoulder to shoulder in the garden pavilion, silently gazing at the moon in the sky.
"With whom?" I asked.
"With you."
"You know I don't believe in God, especially the gods of these Westerners. And besides, I think that sky-blue church at Tangmuqiao looks better."
"I don't believe in God either. But don't you think when it comes to marriage, there's no place more suitable than a church? Any church will do, as long as you like it."
"Usually it's the girls who talk about having Western weddings, but we're just the opposite. You, after having lived abroad, seem a bit caught up to the modern trend too, with your mind full of Western things!"
"That's why we are truly meant for each other."
I wondered how the Immaculate Conception Cathedral in Hong Kong compared to Notre Dame Cathedral. I shook my head, trying to shake off the lingering sweet words in my ears.
If it were a matter of having an arranged marriage, complying with parental wishes, I could still understand. But clearly, his parents are not satisfied with this marriage either. Could it be that he... is responsible to that woman? Is he really that kind of person?... What kind of woman is she, who can make him betray me like this, forget everything between us, and disappoint his parents?
I wiped away the tears from the corner of my eyes and stared blankly at the church outside the window. Soon, I will understand everything. It was dinner time, but I had no appetite. I sat on the floor, hugging my legs, and took a few bites of the wife cake (a Cantonese dessert) I bought on the way. The winter melon filling was sweet, but all I tasted in my mouth was bitterness.
I stood up, turned around, and lay face down on the bed, indulging in many crazy fantasies: getting drunk and causing a scene at their wedding in front of everyone, throwing all the letters in this unfaithful man's face, and pointing at the bride's nose, accusing her of seducing my fiancé. I was crying, but I laughed out loud.
But... my upbringing would not allow me to do such things. I don't drink alcohol, even though the groom of this wedding has repeatedly sent me exquisite dresses and taken me to high-class salons in an attempt to familiarize me with wine tasting. I took a sip and couldn't stand it. So alcohol would be no help either.
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