Chapter 5
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I thought I was finally used to seeing him again, but I was wrong.
Months had passed and nothing in my life changed; work, home, it's basically just a cycle every day. Meet with new patients, treat the old ones, save lives and some people blames you if you can't do anything so save one's life. Nakakapagod pero dahil ito ang nakasanayan ko simula pa no'n, hindi na bago sa 'kin.
I am used to it.
Simula lumipat kami ni Dad sa ibang bansa, I focused myself on one goal --- become a doctor. I used every chance I get to study if I was not busy finishing up my residency. Nawalan ako ng social life but that was long gone before I stepped foot in the medical field. I've only had one friend growing up and we parted ways before we grew up. Since then, hindi na ako nag-effort para makihalubilo sa mga tao.
It's not that I never tried, there were some times but as I get to know more people, I found out that not everyone like my cup of tea and it's okay. I survived being alone for years, ngayon pa ba hindi ko kakayanin?
My circle is smaller than small, kung sino ang pamilya ko, sila na rin ang nagsilbing mga kaibigan ko. My parents, Kuya, Mama, sila lang ang mga taong nakakakilala sa 'kin ng lubos at sila lang rin ang mga taong ipinagkakatiwalaan ko dito sa mundo. Though most of the time, I keep things to myself. Hindi naman ako 'yong tipong mahilig magsabi ng dinadala.
Kaya naman hindi ko alam ang gagawin sa tuwing magkikita kami ni Theo sa mga oras na hindi ko inaasahan. It's been so long since we last spoke and I've learned to live my life without him in it. Bumping into him from time to time was the last thing I'd want to experience. Ever since our elevator interconnection, I've always found myself stiff and nervous whenever he's around. That even if I tried loosening myself up, his presence sparks something in me that even I can't name.
Minsan, pakiramdam ko... mas alam niya pa ang routine ko kaysa sa sarili ko.
Tulad nalang no'ng isang araw nang makita ko siya ulit. I was on my way out for work and I felt relieved when I didn't see him around after I stepped out of my unit. Habang abala ako sa paglalock ng pinto at ng sinimulan ko na ang paglalakad, bigla akong may nabangga. It was partially my fault since I wasn't entirely looking my way at that moment. Nabitawan ko bigla ang susi na hawak ko ng mabangga ko siya.
I immediately picked my up keys, not daring to look up at the person I bumped into pero nang tumingin ako, it was him who I bumped into. Hindi ko naman inaakalang pauwi palang siya sa mga oras na 'yon dahil biglaan rin ang pagkakasalubungan namin sa hallway. And if he was looking his way, he could've avoided me.
So it wasn't entirely my fault.
"Sorry," mabilis kong sabi at biglang nag-iwas ng tingin. He nodded as a sign of response and began walking pass me as if I had some virus in me.
Napanganga ako at gulat na tinignan siya pabalik. Kung kanina ay magkaharap kami, ngayon naman ay pinapanood ko siyang maglakad sa 'kin palayo. His shoulder was broad, hair always done. Napairap ako ng hindi manlang niya ako tinignan pabalik para humingi ng sorry!
Great! Now I look desperate just because of a petty reason!
I stamp my foot and turned my back at him before he caught me staring and started making my way to the elevator to get to work. Mahirap na at baka kung ano pa ang isipin niya.
Isa lang 'yon sa mga aksidenteng pagkikita namin ng wala sa oras. If not in the building, we unexpectedly see each other outside grabbing the same item in the grocery store, o hindi kaya sa palengke habang namimili ng mga kailangan para sa bahay. Sometimes it would be in a place where I least expect him to be, sa jeep, sa sakayan, sa park. Mukang lahat na ata ng lugar na ma-isip ko, nandoon siya!
Kaunti nalang at mandidiri na ako sa pagmumuka niya!
I finally got my drivers license yesterday at pwede na akong magdrive pero hanggang ngayon, pinag-iisipan ko pa kung bibili ako ng sasakyan o mag cocommute nalang muna dahil minsan, mas gusto kong maglakad-lakad lalo na't wala akong panahon para mag-exercise. And besides, walking has became my hobby, it helps me think especially when I am stressed.
Tulad ngayon, at siya ang rason.
"Doc, may pasyente po tayo," ani Ruea ng mahanap niya ako. "Kilala niyo daw po." dag-dag niya.
I looked at her confused and gestured to take me to the patient who is claiming that statement. Ruea led me to the wards room that was full of patients. Some are crying because of pain, some are peacefully sleeping, 'yong iba naman ay naiiyak dahil sa pag-iisip ng kanilang pamilya o dahil sa ibang problema. Others are complaining because they don't want to be treated.
It was a space where it's loud and chaotic.
"Siya po," napatingin ako kay Ruea ng buksan niya ang mga kurtinang na nagsisilbing pader sa pagitan ng mga pasyente. I looked at the patient and my eyes widened when I met their eyes.
A helpless old lady was laying on the hospital bed, dextrose attached on her hand while an NRM is attached on her air way, helping her breath better. Nanlambot ang mga tuhod ko ng makilala ko kung sino ang matandang kaharap ko ngayon.
Lola.
"Anong nangyari sa kanya?" Natatarantang tanong ko. I placed my hand on top of her forehead, I don't know, dahil narin siguro sa reflex? I'm not expecting to see her at my work place at all!
"Nahimatay daw po kaya isinugod siya, kanina lang rin po siya nagising kaya nakausap namin bago naming nalaman na kilala niya kayo." sagot ng dalaga.
"Move her to a private room, now!" utos ko.
Napatingin ako sa paligid namin, it was somewhat unfair for the people who's been staying here that they can't even get a comfortable room to be admitted on. And as much as I my heart longed to help, I can't to anything about it either.
"Okay po," sagot ulit ng dalaga.
Hindi ko alam kung paano sila naka-alis sa harap ko dahil bigla nalang silang nawala sa paningin ko. I might have zoned out for a moment, not exactly knowing what to do. Bakit nandito si Lola? The last time I visited her, she was okay! And I made sure to check in every day para siguraduhin na naiinom niya ang mga gamot niya.
Lola was diagnosed with hypertension back when I was still young. Kaya as much as possible, dapat may taong nakabantay sa kanya palagi. We hired a private nurse for her years ago na hanggang ngayon kasama parin niya. Pero bakit wala siya? Hindi ko siya nakita kanina.
My heart was already beating fast before, now it is beating faster as I am making my way to her room as fast as I could.
Hindi na dapat ako umalis sa bahay! Hindi na dapat ako lumipat para natutukan ko siya ng maayos! Mag-isa lang siya doon bukod sa mga katulong at nurse na kasama niya!
"Doc," I snapped back to reality when I someone called out to me. It was Dr. Reyes. Tinignan ko lamang siya, siguro halata sa muka ko ang gulat at takot dahil bakas sa mga mata niya ang pag-aalala.
"Si Doctor Chavez na ang bahala sa kanya," dag-dag niya.
He held my wrist to get me out of here but I managed to pull it back.
"No."
"C'mon, you're shaken up." ani niya.
"I'll stay here, I'll treat her Dr., dapat ako ang assigned sa kanya!"
Tears started piling up, blurring my vision when I saw that Lola's having a seizure.
No. NO!
I heard him sigh before gently taking my hand. "You'll look after her... once you've calm yourself down."
"Alexis, no."
"Venice, she'll be okay. She will be okay." he reassured me and pulled me into a tight hug.
Wala akong nagawa dahil alam ko namang tama siya. Tears kept escaping my eyes and each time I cried, he pulled me in closer. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nagawang sumama sa kanya pagkatapos no'n, tsaka ko nalang namalayan na nasa garden na pala kami nang maging kalmado ako.
"I always see you here whenever it's your break time," he started a conversation. Wala akong gana makipag-usap ngayon. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ba talaga ang tumatakbo sa isip ko.
Alexis Reyes, my fellow doctor. We've been working for months and just a few weeks after I got here, he's been trying to make a move on me. Hindi naman ako tanga para hindi iyon mahalata. Whenever I work, tanging trabaho lang ang nasa-isip ko kaya halos hindi ko nagagawang magpahinga dahil nakakalimutan ko. But he's always there to remind me that it was lunch break or that I should take a break.
Hindi lang 'yon ang mga ginagawa niya. Minsan nag-iiwan siya ng pagkain para sa akin, minsan naman sinasamahan niya akong maghintay ng masasakyan, he even insisted on driving me home a few times but I've always turned him down.
I'm not here to date, I am here to work. Besides, I don't have the energy to entertain someone.
"So I figured, dito mo gusto mag-stay ngayon." dag-dag niya. Napatingin ako sa kanya, may hawak siyang isang bote ng tubig tsaka niya ito iniabot sa 'kin.
I hesitated and it seems like he noticed.
"Just take it," he said and chuckled. "You need it."
And I did.
"Alexis, I appreciate everything you're doing for me," paninimula ko. "But you do know that dating is not my priority, right?"
His smiled slowly faded away and nodded gently as a sign of response.
"Hindi naman ako umaasa," he then looked at me. "I'm just happy to do things for you."
"Thank you but I can take care of myself."
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Isang buwan na ang nakalipas simula no'ng naisugod si Lola sa hospital. She went back home two days latee after she was rushed. Mukang napadami ata siya ng kain sa mga ipinagbabawal sa kanya nang makita niyang wala sa tabi niya ang nag-aalaga sa kanya.
I scolded her after that. Hindi ko man gustuhing pagsabihan siya but she left me no choice.
I didn't come home that day, sinamahan ko si Lola sa hospital. I was so stressed, dumag-dag pa ang madalas na pagkikita namin ni Theo dahil nakita ko ulit siya nung gabing umuwi ako galing sa ospital, kakabantay kay Lola. He was the last person I wanted to see that time but as always, the universe had other plans.
I was walking towards my unit when I caught him dropping off an envelope on my doormat. Natigilan siya ng maramdaman niyang limang hakbang lang ang layo ko sa kanya. I was too tired that day pero hindi ko alam kung bakit ko nagawang makipag-usap sa kanya.
"I was just giving your mail back," sabi nito. I never even said anything though I have been staring at him for quite a while. "Sa unit ko ipinadala."
I sighed and walked towards him that made him immediately stepped back.
"What?" I asked stopping in front of him.
Magkaharap na kami at sa mga oras na iyon, alam kong nakatitig lang ako sa kanya. Something looked different, he looked different, probably because of the glasses he was wearing that day. It made him look more... attractive.
"Hindi ka umuwi kagabi," he said, not taking his gaze off me.
"It's none of your business." I answered and picked up the mail he gave back moments ago before taking my keys from the pocket of my scrubs.
"Did something happen?" tanong niya habang abala akong nagbubukas ng pinto.
Dahil sa pagod na natamo ko sa araw na iyon, nanginginig ang kamay ko at hirap akong buksan ang pintuhan. Isang beses lang pala akong kumain, hindi ko nagawang kumain ng maayos dahil ang tanging laman ng isip ko sa mga oras na 'yon ay si Lola.
"Pake mo?"
"Nanghihina ka," nagulat ako ng maramdaman ko ang paglapit niya sa 'kin. He stood close behind me, close enough for me to smell his scent.
I froze as my heart started to beat faster every second.
"Kaya ko," I manage to say despite the adrenaline that's taking control over me. Still, ramdam ko parin ang presensya niya sa likod ko. Hindi niya siya nagtanong pa. He waited for me to successfully open my door before he slowly stepped back. He stayed behind me as if I was about to pass out any moment, waiting to catch me.
O baka naman nag-aasume lang ako.
"Night." mataray kong sabi ng makapasok ako bago maisara ang pinto. Napahinga ako ng malalim dahil sa mabilis na tibok ng puso ko. How did he know that I didn't come home last night? Hindi naman para sa close kami o magkaibigan para malaman niya na hindi ako umiwi kagabi.
Was he... waiting for me?
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