Shockwave
Avery's Point of View
I kept telling myself that the threat in my inbox is real but my safety is also real, because four people are watching the perimeter and one boy I love is watching my pulse like it is a compass that always points me home.
Kahit may banta at may pangalan na nagpapakilalang multo, mas buo ang loob ko ngayon dahil nasa paligid ko sina Tyler, Edward, at Tyron, at higit sa lahat andiyan si Elliot na hindi nagsisiksik pero laging handang umalalay kapag kumakapal ang dilim.
I decided that courage today will look like normal breathing and steady footsteps, which means I will show up for class and let the day be mine instead of the message being the boss of me.
Kaya kahit may kirot sa tiyan at may kurot sa batok ng kaba, pinili kong ngumiti at magpanggap na ordinaryong umaga lang ito, dahil minsan ang tapang ay hindi pagsigaw kundi tahimik na paglakad habang may bantay na kamay sa distansyang tamang tama.
I slipped through the school gate carrying a grin that felt like a small win, because yes I managed to escape Elliot when he hopped into the shower and I swear my sneakers have never been quieter.
Siguradong inis na inis siya later dahil nabitin ang kulit routine niya, pero ang sarap din sa pakiramdam na minsan nananalo ako sa overly clingy kong boyfie at nakaka-first move ako nang hindi niya narerealize agad.
Since I left without breakfast and my hands were still a little shaky from the mission, I went straight to the canteen and ordered spaghetti like it was the logic my brain could chew first.
Wala akong pakialam kung breakfast pa lang at pasta agad ang pinili ko, dahil sa totoo lang may cravings na dapat sundin at may utak na mas gumagana kapag may tamis at alat na magkasabay.
While I was busy twirling noodles and pretending the world was simple, I spotted Tyron crossing toward the hallway with that quick stride he uses when he is scanning, and my reflexes fired before my manners did.
Tinawag ko siya nang malakas at kumaway pa ako na parang flag marshall, pero parang hindi niya ako narinig o baka naman sinadya niyang umiwas dahil may kung anong bigat sa pagitan namin mula nang malaman niyang kami na ni Elliot. Ngayon ko lang napansin ang lahat.
I finished the spaghetti faster than I finish most readings because carbs can sometimes be relief dressed as sauce, then I tossed the fork into the tray and headed for our classroom with a steadier spine.
At pagpasok ko sa room ay nandoon na si Elliot sa usual seat niya, at 'yung unang ngiti na soft and sunshine ay biglang naging busangot na parang thundercloud nang makita niya ako na hindi niya nahabol.
I slid into my chair beside him and he flicked my forehead with the accuracy of a sniper, which made me yelp because ow, love should be gentle but also my forehead is dramatic.
Hinawakan ko ang noo ko at nagreklamo na masakit talaga, pero bago pa ako makabawi ay lumapit siya sa tenga ko at bumulong na may halong lambing at kalokohan na parang trademark na niya.
"You said I get a kiss and then you left me, so tonight in the room you owe me, Pillow," he murmured with that annoying grin that should be illegal this early.
Tiningnan ko siya gamit ang signature death stare ko na kunwari nakakatunaw, pero sa totoo lang ay hindi ko kayang magtagal sa galit dahil ang bilis niyang gawing biro ang lahat at ang bilis ko ring matunaw kapag ganoon ang tono niya.
The lecture rolled on and the board began filling with bullet points that tried to herd my attention, but the back of my neck tingled like I was on stage with a spotlight I did not order.
Paglingon ko sa kanan ay nahuli ko si Tyron na nakatingin, at sa mismong segundo na nagtagpo ang mata namin ay mabilis siyang umiwas, at doon ko lalo naramdaman na mas tahimik siya ngayon kaysa dati na parang dahan dahan siyang umaatras para humanap ng tamang distansya.
I did not want to lose him as a friend and I did not want the air between us to turn into glass, so I slid a sheet from my notebook and wrote a line that carried more care than ink.
Sinulatan ko siya ng mahabang sulat sa pinakamaikling tanong at nilagyan ko ng heading na From Avery para malinaw, tapos ang laman ay "Galit ka ba?", at dahan dahan ko iyong ipinasok sa gilid ng desk niya na parang lihim na handshake.
I watched him read the paper and lifted his gaze to me with a face that was trying to be blank but still kind, then I gave him the biggest puppy eyes my lineage could produce because charm is sometimes just honesty with twinkle.
Hindi siya agad kumilos at parang may maliit na buntong hininga na gumuhit sa balikat niya, pero kinuha niya rin ang ballpen at sumagot sa likod ng papel para walang ingay at walang eksena sa gitna ng klase.
He wrote that he was not angry and that he just needed time, which landed in my chest like a chair being pulled out for patience, and I let my lungs expand around the gift of that space.
Napangiti ako nang totoo dahil kahit hindi pa kumpletong ayos ang lahat ay hindi niya ako tuluyang binlock out, at naisip ko na dapat ko ring igalang ang layo na kailangan niya habang nagpapatuloy pa ring maging present bilang kaibigan at bilang taong marunong maghintay.
I kept a quiet inventory of my fear while we stepped out of the building, telling myself that danger might be circling like a hawk but safety was also real because four sets of eyes were tracking my horizon and one patient boy was keeping time with my breathing.
Pinili kong itago ang panginginig ng loob dahil ayokong dagdagan pa ang bigat ng araw nila, at kung kailangan ko mang kumapit, mas pipiliin kong kumapit sa ritmong ginagawa naming dalawa ni Elliot kaysa sa takot na gustong sumingit sa pagitan namin.
After class we walked toward the cafeteria with the usual shuffle of backpacks and jokes, yet my head kept drifting to Tyron like a bookmark I did not know where to place.
Hindi dahil may feelings ako na kailangan itago, kundi dahil ramdam kong unti unti nang lumalayo ang isang pagkakaibigan na matagal kong inalagaan, at ayokong mahulog iyon sa puwang na gawa ng tahimik na selos at hindi nasabing mga bagay.
I tried to imagine a bridge I could build and the thought that landed first was a book, since books had always been our language when words got shy.
Siguro iyon ang unang hakbang na kaya kong gawin, bumili ako ng librong alam kong gugustuhin niya at hayaan kong ang pahina ang magsabing hindi ko siya isinuko kahit nagbago na ang mga titulo sa buhay ko.
"Pillow, are you okay," Elliot asked, catching the way my gaze kept scuffing the floor tiles instead of the pastry display.
"Oo, Blanket, medyo nalulungkot lang ako," sagot ko habang nakatitig sa loob ng cafeteria na parang may iniintay akong sagot mula sa mga tao at mesa at tray.
"What is making you sad," he asked again, his hand light on the small of my back like a promise that did not rush me.
"Si Tyron," sabi ko, at hindi na ako nagpaligoy dahil mas mabuting malinaw ang mga pangalan kapag usapang tiwala.
He exhaled and threaded his fingers through mine, and the way he held me was steady without being a grip which somehow told me he understood more than he said.
"Nagsisisi ka ba," tanong niya, at alam kong ang tinutukoy niya ay 'yung pagsagot ko sa kanya at ang desisyong tinayuan naming dalawa.
I shook my head and met his eyes because truth deserved a clean window, and I said I did not regret anything since choosing him felt like oxygen after a long swim.
"Pero bakit siya ang hinahanap mo," tanong niya ulit, at hindi iyon tulak ng selos kundi pagsusuri kung saan ako dapat alalayan.
"Dahil kaibigan ko siya at importante siya sa akin," sagot ko, trying to shape the exact weight of loyalty that friendship demands even when romance enters the room.
"Pero ako ang pinili mo, tama ba," he asked, softer now, with a look that tried to hide its ache and almost succeeded.
"You are the one I love and I will not rewrite that line depending on the weather, so please do not be jealous of the people who became my family before we became us, and please let me keep loving them the way family asks to be loved," I said, careful but firm.
Tumango siya at bahagyang ngumiti na parang may talim pang natutunaw, at doon ko naramdaman na naiintindihan niya ang hangganan at saklaw na sinasabi ko.
"So how does this work," he said with a grin trying to return to the surface, "am I allowed to be jealous of every male student except my friends and me."
"Pati guard at teachers at tendero at delivery guy, lahat bawal," sabi ko na may tawa, para malaman niyang kaya pa rin naming gawing magaan ang bigat.
"Tendero is exempted because snacks are sacred," he said, pretending to think hard as if drafting policy in his head.
"Guard pwede kung senior citizen na very lolo vibes," dagdag ko, at natawa ako dahil napaka Elliot ng logic na nakakatawa pero marunong pa ring gumalang.
I stepped closer and lifted onto my toes, then whispered that he looked unfairly handsome today and that I was not sorry about it.
Namula ang pisngi niya at napakagat siya ng labi na parang nahuli sa sariling kilig, at mahinang umiiling habang napapangiti na rin.
"Damn, how am I supposed to not love you," he said, and I felt something settle in my chest like a bird deciding the branch would hold.
Um-order kami at naupo sa dulo kung saan maliwanag at medyo tahimik, at saglit kong nakalimutan ang thread ng kaba dahil ang saya ng simpleng pagkain na may taong marunong magbiro at makinig.
A man joined the line behind me and introduced himself with a smile that skated a little too close, and I felt Elliot straighten like a curtain shifting to block the glare without covering the view.
Tumayo siya agad at may tingin na hindi bastos pero malinaw, hinila niya ako nang marahan palayo at siya na ang pumila para sa akin, parang gustong sabihin na kaya niyang maging tao sa gitna ng selos nang hindi nagiging maliit.
"You are serious about this bodyguard life," I said with a laugh that tried to tease him back into easy water, and he nodded like it was the simplest math.
"Mahal kita, Pillow," sagot niya, at wala siyang pakialam kung may ibang tao sa paligid dahil para sa kanya ang pagiging totoo ay hindi kailangan itago para lang maging komportable ang mundo.
"I love you too, Blan—," I started to answer as the tray warmed my palms and the room hummed with forks and gossip, and I remember thinking that the day was finally choosing to be ordinary.
Biglang may sumiklab na putok sa may bandang kusina at ang hangin ay parang napunit, at sa isang iglap ay gumuhit ang alon ng pagsabog sa buong cafeteria na parang higanteng kamao na humawi sa hangin, kaya napaatras ako at nabitawan ko ang kamay ni Elliot habang ang liwanag ay naghalo sa alikabok at ang tunog ay naging iisang mahabang ugong.
I felt the floor tilt and the world folded in slow motion, and there were shards of tray and plastic and glass flickering through the air while the smell of metal and smoke pushed into my throat, and my ears rang so hard it felt like the bell was inside my skull.
Hindi ko agad maigalaw ang katawan ko at parang may kumot na mabigat na tumabon sa mga braso at binti ko, at kahit gusto kong sumigaw ng pangalan niya ay parang naipit ang boses ko sa pagitan ng dibdib at lalamunan, kaya ang nagawa ko lang ay maghanap ng hininga habang unti unting lumalabo ang gilid ng paningin ko at ang sakit ay naghalo sa pamamanhid na parang pilit na kinakalma ng utak ang apoy na hindi pa natatapos.
"Avery! Nasaan ka?!" sigaw ni Elliot sa kawalan. Pero hindi ko siya makita. Sobrang kapal ng usok.
"Elliot, where are you," I tried to answer in my head as his voice tore through the cafeteria, yet the smoke was so thick it felt like a wall I could not push and every breath tasted like metal that had been left out in the rain.
Tinangka kong gumalaw at sumunod sa boses niya pero parang may mabigat na kumot na nakapatong sa mga binti at braso ko at ang mga mata ko ay may buhangin na hindi ko maipikit o maimulat nang buo.
Arms slid under my shoulders and knees and the world lifted sideways, and when I blinked past the gray I caught a face I knew even with half of it hidden by fabric.
"Nakakatuwa na kahit ganyan ka kalabo ay ako pa rin ang una mong makikilala," sabi ng lalaki na may ngiting peke na parang punit na sticker at doon na kumabog ang pangalan sa dila ko.
"K-Kiefer," I whispered because the air would not cooperate and my chest felt like a locked drawer that had lost its key.
"Of course it is me, my princess, kasi sino pa ba ang dapat magligtas sa iyo mula sa maling kwento kundi ang totoong bida ng fairytale mo," bulong niya habang iniikot ang bigat ko na parang tropeyong gustong iparada sa madilim na parada.
His smile never reached his eyes and it made the room tilt, and he leaned closer like a secret that wanted to own the whole page.
"Akin ka lang at wala nang iba, hindi mo na kailangan ng mga extra sa background at lalong hindi mo kailangan ng Elliot na mahilig sumabat sa eksena ko," sabi niya at kinilabutan ako dahil parang nakikipag usap ako sa tao na nag memorized ng script na siya rin ang sumulat.
"I cannot scream," I told myself as my throat scraped raw, and fear clawed at the inside of my ribs while the alarms kept crying above us.
"Huwag ka nang magsalita dahil tapos na ang audition at nakuha mo na ang lead role at ako ang director at producer at fan club president sa iisang katawan kaya wala nang kailangang kontrang linya," dagdag niya na parang sermon ng baliw na nagbibinyag ng sarili.
"You are just mine and when Elliot insists on interrupting I will remove him from the narrative because loose threads ruin the pattern and I like my endings clean," he murmured with a softness that felt colder than the floor under my shoes.
"Kapag nangengeelam siya ay puputulin ko ang papel niya at hindi na siya babalik sa stage at hindi ba ang ganda ng mundo kapag wala nang istorbo at ikaw at ako na lang ang natitira sa gitna ng ilaw," dinugtong niya habang bumibilis ang hakbang palayo sa sigaw ng mga tao.
I tried to rake my nails against his sleeve to leave a mark and my mind threw sparks of Elliot's face and Tyler's routes and Edward's plan and Tyron's quiet watch, then the smoke coughed back and stole the sparks.
"Kung alam mo lang kung paanong pinag aralan ko ang bawat lakad mo at bawat oras ng pagtulog mo at bawat tindig ng pilik mo sa umaga ay matutuwa ka dahil iyon ang tunay na pag-ibig na hindi natutulog at hindi nagpapahinga," bulalas niya na may tawa na parang basag na kampana.
"People will see you," I tried to remind him as shapes stumbled through the haze and a sprinkler finally hissed above us, and I twisted once more because the doorframe scraped my shoulder which meant we were leaving the cafeteria.
"Walang makakakita sa atin dahil ang buong mundo ay bulag kapag ako ang nagpatay ng ilaw at ako ang gumawa ng usok at ako rin ang nagbilang ng segundo bago pumutok ang tahimik na galit ko," wika niya na may yabang na parang batang nagtatago ng kalokohan sa bulsa.
"I will fight you," I told my bones while my hands shook like wet matches that refused to light, and I tried to gather the codes in my head because Air meant breathe and Tuck meant hold and Fold meant space and I needed all of them.
"Magpahinga ka muna dahil pagod ka na sa maling piling at sa maling pagkikibit balikat kaya ako na ang bahala sa susunod na kabanata at itatali ko ang buwan para sa iyo kung gusto mo pati na ang araw at ang guard sa gate at ang hangin sa bintana," aniya habang may inilabas na puting panyo na kumikislap sa ilaw na hindi pa tuluyang namamatay.
He pressed the cloth over my mouth and nose and the smell hit like a cold fog that crawled into every corner of my head, and the tiles beneath us flickered as if they wanted to slide away.
"Amoy kemikal," napabulong ako habang sinusubukan ko pa ring itulak ang kamay niya at piliting sumigaw ng tulong, ngunit mas mabigat ang antok na pilit na isinasara ang mga mata ko.
"Sleep now my princess because pag gising mo wala na ang ingay at ako na lang ang maririnig mo at lahat ng pintuan ay may pangalan ko," he whispered in a lullaby that made my skin crawl like it wanted to leave.
"Matatapos din ang ilusyon at ako ang katotohanan at ang letrang ₩ ang marka sa pulso mo at sa puso mo at kahit ilang beses mong itago ay babalik at babalik dahil ako ang umpisa at ako ang wakas," dinagdagan niya habang mas idinidiin ang panyo na parang stamp ng maling kapangyarihan. B-Baliw siya!
I forced my eyes open one more time and the smoke thinned just enough to let a slice of light through and I thought I heard Elliot again, a sound like a lighthouse trying to cut a storm.
"E-Elliot," I tried to say while the world softened at the edges and my fingers lost their argument with gravity, and the last thing I felt was the memory of his forehead kiss landing like a small shield between me and the dark as everything tipped quietly toward black.
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