前陣子，讀完鈴鈴卷的《真神轉生》，來跟大家分享一下心得。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXFO0z2v3Gk
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整體來說，故事挺有趣的。會想看女主角又得到什麼外掛，跟陸哥之間會有怎樣的發展。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQSbp5qkSH
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對於新角色高瑞淵和松勇的設計也蠻讓人記憶深刻的（一個像是跟蹤狂，一個像是偏執狂）。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJru0h8zD9u
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我覺得鈴鈴在設計人物上很有巧思。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoWm4uj0Rla
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硬要說的話，本作的行文有時會不太流暢……句子與句子之間的邏輯關係有時會跳脫一下，不過這也只能靠臨摹和自我覺察來調整了。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMoKag6gm2v
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另外，在主線上可以更明確一點。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpUF1p1OkFR
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女主角要修練，就得有個理由，看是要加強生存，或者像現在這樣，準備救人。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuys0qilBAM
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而在故事發展上，可以針對女主過去跟那個朋友之間，到底為何變得關係親密，那位友人對她來說是個怎樣的存在，往這方面描寫。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5FpFr6j8Ef
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先用劇情（看是要回顧，還是在見面時鋪一下）刻劃了兩人的關係，然後再強化救人的點。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuo1wSbi7sL
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而在過程中，女主角的能力想必不夠，這時再刻畫她怎麼變強。而在這之中，女主角有哪些改變。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnA0NhupBIc
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根據我對女主角的理解，她不相信別人。那麼是不是後面的某個任務，或者在救人時有個重要環節需要團隊合作，需要相信其他隊友。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQFuMkuFYga
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而女主角作出改變。她將部分擔子交到他人手上，然後專心面對眼前的敵人。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5WjoDTJAlm
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而這也使得她的能力、法力變更強，有所突破之類的。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN71BWP70hM
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而關於第二個重要角色，陸哥。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHQHJM5Wehg
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目前給人的感覺是，他被捲入爭權奪利，並且正在尋找某個靈。同時，還被人施加了蠱毒。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTfMXkRawcu
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可以在某一段更清楚描述他後面的打算、目標，以及面對他目前的情勢有什麼想法。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVZsN6nbRO5
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我似乎也沒看到陸哥想解毒ＸＤ 這中間感覺有什麼不對勁。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVOaWCyrDC7
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另外，在他跟那條龍的互動上……雖然兩人無法直接互動。但或許龍可以用其他方式幫助他。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDfBt7OsXHr
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像是有敵人來的時候會感應到，或者有什麼其他協助陸哥的手段。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB74YZLBHc6
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總之，就是確立各個人物行動的主軸。有時光靠對話沒辦法補充到的，需要用說式寫法補充，強化人物的背景跟行動的連結。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7G2aRSJtAX
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換言之，就是動機、行動。需要好好表示出來。這樣會比較能讓人抓準這個人到底想幹嘛。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEjGh1z943m
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而在出現許多登場人物的長篇故事裡，用說式鋪設人物背景和心境、行為動機，就是蠻重要的點。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVaTtThVuH0
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如果每個都要用演的，有時反而會演不清楚。需要掌握敘述跟演出的平衡。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE74xntAaZB
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另外，稍微補充一點。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR8u4HsvLbo
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由於劇情稍顯散亂，可以將某一段劇情規劃為同一個篇章。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkSj44EWZJs
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（以下都我隨便舉的）411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEcibmTqekl
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例如：411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ovwE76umh
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〈軍校篇〉女主角的目標是隱藏身分，並修練到初始境界，然而，正當她準備渡劫時，身分卻忽然曝光，因此迎來戰鬥。
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〈陸哥解咒篇〉不知什麼影響，陸哥的蠱毒忽然發作。同時，女主要跨越新境界，需要取出陸哥身上的毒蟲。恰好此時，女主聽聞到新的解蠱情報。為了逼出毒蟲，女主前往新的境地。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAfugOEmUiy
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〈皇位篇〉陸哥康復後，朝臣大為震驚。而支持他的貴族也變多。這時，跟陸哥競爭皇位的某皇子偷襲陸哥，女主抓到這名刺客後，逼問出他們打算藉著陸哥身上的神器（龍爺）來搜尋鳳靈的下落。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaV0YsMOBRO
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傳聞中，同時得到龍靈和鳳靈的人可居皇位。在女主的逼問下，龍爺終於說出隱藏已久的情報，女主為了讓鳳靈強化自己的寶書，竟然願意幫助陸哥前往搜尋鳳靈。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8bs1j32pXp
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像這樣子，讓每章的重點都扣在一個主題上，觀眾也比較懂這段在講什麼。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD2W6k8AaDO
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目前原作的走法，原以為會過上軍校生活，結果忽然開始得罪人，然後逃亡。其實會比較沒有記憶點，可以參考看看。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZhA0XGa5EM
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上述的舉例，鈴鈴能發現，女主角跟陸哥都會有動機，以及行動。將這樣的主軸抓好，故事走向會明確很多。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6oVsbMfm0W
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當然，女主的功力要在哪個階段成長，都可以自行規劃。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsXw66WNVAI
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大概是這種感覺。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHCcQSPzdut
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有興趣的讀者歡迎讀讀看。411Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjE1WYJlYx6
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