前陣子我讀完泗楓的《我的青梅竹馬是大陰陽師》。387Please respect copyright.PENANA7cWRLgdNWO
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那麼乾脆將自己的看法整理成一篇,讓大家參考看看。387Please respect copyright.PENANA12cLVsDrDw
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首先是主要劇情。387Please respect copyright.PENANAMm0BoObyM2
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作為劇情主軸,男主角在經歷安倍家修行過後,展開收穫同伴與幫助世人的冒險,個人覺得是蠻常見、但也挺有趣的內容。387Please respect copyright.PENANAPydmpsehyC
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會遇上怎麼樣的妖怪、什麼樣的同伴,會很令人期待。387Please respect copyright.PENANAqsx656mEsZ
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只是,此時也需要注意一點。本作的標題是:我的青梅竹馬是大陰陽師。那麼就不乏會讓人聯想到跟青梅竹馬相處為主軸、一起展開冒險的橋段。387Please respect copyright.PENANAdXSOeeVvHB
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當然,這也有可能是你在現代篇安排的內容,然而,作為故事的第一個篇章,難免會讓人稍微產生期待落空的感覺。
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接下來是比較細的劇情。387Please respect copyright.PENANAwW30CXxTCO
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在收服神獸篇,我似乎只看見男主角收服兩隻,但目前本篇章結束時,卻說男主收服了五隻神獸,感覺有點奇怪。(當然也有可能是我看漏了)387Please respect copyright.PENANA2xHygKLamn
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而在本篇章的最後,真正的道滿現身。原以為他身上附了什麼奇怪的東西,但後面卻說他本來就是這麼壞,不用驅邪,如此一來,就像是好像原本有隻魔王要打,結果卻突然說魔王其實是好人,我們不用戰鬥一樣。會覺得有些錯愕。387Please respect copyright.PENANA5yOH0NHdQX
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連同上一點,小祈的存在主要就是為了戰鬥,但最後卻因為不用戰鬥而沒有派上用場,感覺很可惜。387Please respect copyright.PENANA80YdyCoBRE
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另外,在故事最後,晴明能使役朱雀和另一個式神,也是在最後才匆匆登場的感覺。387Please respect copyright.PENANAE22JIBPk2c
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當然,整體來說。故事的許多感情戲,我認為泗楓都有抓到重點。所以能幫助人掌控狀況,這一點我認為很棒。
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再來是角色。首先是配角。387Please respect copyright.PENANA24964FCGSM
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前面提到小祈失去劇情的意義有點可惜之外,神獸跟隨男主角,或許還能進行多一點的描寫。387Please respect copyright.PENANAlNIq23efDj
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他們對男主角是什麼看法,除了靈魂很乾淨之外,為什麼選擇跟隨他,旅行中有什麼收穫,這些都是可以再深入的地方。387Please respect copyright.PENANABxhgd2NQvn
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關於這點,雙子也是同樣。旅途中許多場景都有雙子,所以她們給人的印象會稍微強一點。但或許還能再進一步描寫。387Please respect copyright.PENANA9OZ1P5njLD
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這點小祈就相對描寫得較好。他在初登場時就訴說自己原來身為石頭是什麼感受,而在跟男主逛服裝店時,也能看出她表現出了人味。這點我很喜歡。387Please respect copyright.PENANABjLk7fJuLg
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如果要再加強的話,或許可以多描寫她在一開始和後來,產生哪些改變。像是變得更溫柔了,更知道自己的生存意義之類的。387Please respect copyright.PENANAgbJOJt5dxW
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或者,為了保護主人和同伴。原本有些膽小的少女勇敢起來之類的。387Please respect copyright.PENANA5DzPP1bEfZ
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至於另外兩位配角,安倍家的兩位家長。387Please respect copyright.PENANAlaiurB3Xl1
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因為跟男主角的對戲,讓我們很清楚他們是善良且有責任的人。目前這樣也就足夠了。
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然後是女主角。安倍晴明。387Please respect copyright.PENANAvUZA0f7hag
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首先是男主轉生前的那位青梅竹馬好了。
轉生後或許能有個橋段是,安排一場戲,表達男主角其實有點想念她,畢竟男主角真正的青梅竹馬是轉生前的那位。387Please respect copyright.PENANAk33ihxelQX
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對於這名長久陪伴在自己身邊的人,男主角應該會有更多想法。387Please respect copyright.PENANAyWtpOSnOl1
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接著是陰陽師安倍晴明。387Please respect copyright.PENANA3XeVPN5XoG
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在故事安排上,原作展示出她是一位直到最後,才意識到自己是一廂情願,然後給予道滿一些懲罰。387Please respect copyright.PENANAleTbeNAhpS
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而這樣的性格,只有在她的段落表示出來。然後就是跳到最後一幕了。387Please respect copyright.PENANA3K1MMWkaK9
對於讀者來說,這樣的安排還是稍顯倉促了。387Please respect copyright.PENANAe4cG42jstS
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況且,由於一開始男主跟晴明相處時是會讓讀者充滿好感的,這樣的好感度會被消磨掉。然後感覺清明變成不太討喜、有點愚蠢的角色。387Please respect copyright.PENANA9lYC34qCIr
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我認為這樣的走向十分可惜。387Please respect copyright.PENANASul8TajIRm
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整體來說,作品的角色大都十分討喜,然而,撇除反派道滿不談,女主角給人的印象卻輸給其他配角,這樣會顯得需要重新思考女主角是為了什麼存在的。387Please respect copyright.PENANAllADNzIDZc
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行文方面。在台詞需要再多加琢磨。要想清楚這名角色到底要講什麼……我知道這不夠具體,所以可能是建議要把他們當作真正的人去思考。387Please respect copyright.PENANAUzEEAXYEJZ
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在感情戲上,我認為泗楓都有抓到這場戲的意義,並安排了這樣的橋段。我覺得這樣的感覺是好的。387Please respect copyright.PENANAZUJMsScyOy
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正如留言提到,要是能再細膩描寫這樣的感情,會讓作品增色很多。 否則,讓對話順勢流掉,會覺得少了些什麼,這樣真的非常可惜。387Please respect copyright.PENANA9vHq2oPib4
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在場景構成上,許多橋段幾乎都沒有好好呈現,所以整個戲台會讓人感覺霧濛濛的,不知道他們在哪裡演戲,這點還是要注意一下。387Please respect copyright.PENANAA1JGG0gGCU
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像是那個澡堂是重點,應該徹底描述!387Please respect copyright.PENANAxxXLApuXDH
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(其實是溫泉。)387Please respect copyright.PENANAUEXuG8YJfk
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可以看一下其他作品,別人是怎麼寫景色的。387Please respect copyright.PENANAAAwkD19iDZ
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從整個篇章來看,我會認為許多角色都十分討喜,替人解決問題、遇到新的妖怪和收服神獸的劇情發展也會讓人期待。387Please respect copyright.PENANA2KCAXmHvwe
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只要多著重情感描寫、場景的描述,注意一下台詞內容。當然,還有主要的劇情走向,調整一下就能讓作品變得好非常多。387Please respect copyright.PENANA86WXTuDrpm
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差不多是這樣。387Please respect copyright.PENANAakbN3ZGi1c
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歡迎有興趣的讀者可以來讀讀看喔。387Please respect copyright.PENANAafCNuEeRwR
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