前陣子,讀完鈴鈴卷的《真神轉生》,來跟大家分享一下心得。167Please respect copyright.PENANAuC2rk7lOfC
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整體來說,故事挺有趣的。會想看女主角又得到什麼外掛,跟陸哥之間會有怎樣的發展。167Please respect copyright.PENANAine51Ew0uU
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對於新角色高瑞淵和松勇的設計也蠻讓人記憶深刻的(一個像是跟蹤狂,一個像是偏執狂)。167Please respect copyright.PENANA57LVN7OliY
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我覺得鈴鈴在設計人物上很有巧思。167Please respect copyright.PENANAhK3siut4Kx
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硬要說的話,本作的行文有時會不太流暢……句子與句子之間的邏輯關係有時會跳脫一下,不過這也只能靠臨摹和自我覺察來調整了。167Please respect copyright.PENANAfybB7FEoXY
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另外,在主線上可以更明確一點。167Please respect copyright.PENANAQ1fb6Y9ogs
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女主角要修練,就得有個理由,看是要加強生存,或者像現在這樣,準備救人。167Please respect copyright.PENANAE2TbgAr1DA
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而在故事發展上,可以針對女主過去跟那個朋友之間,到底為何變得關係親密,那位友人對她來說是個怎樣的存在,往這方面描寫。167Please respect copyright.PENANAEoQekTUROm
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先用劇情(看是要回顧,還是在見面時鋪一下)刻劃了兩人的關係,然後再強化救人的點。167Please respect copyright.PENANAaIbkx58hxT
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而在過程中,女主角的能力想必不夠,這時再刻畫她怎麼變強。而在這之中,女主角有哪些改變。167Please respect copyright.PENANApVX4lWufMD
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根據我對女主角的理解,她不相信別人。那麼是不是後面的某個任務,或者在救人時有個重要環節需要團隊合作,需要相信其他隊友。167Please respect copyright.PENANA9OmuuRSR6p
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而女主角作出改變。她將部分擔子交到他人手上,然後專心面對眼前的敵人。167Please respect copyright.PENANAzA4uCFpQKj
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而這也使得她的能力、法力變更強,有所突破之類的。167Please respect copyright.PENANAVLzqJLteAn
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而關於第二個重要角色,陸哥。167Please respect copyright.PENANAVdWrJVUMyu
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目前給人的感覺是,他被捲入爭權奪利,並且正在尋找某個靈。同時,還被人施加了蠱毒。167Please respect copyright.PENANAd3kWl9GFv5
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可以在某一段更清楚描述他後面的打算、目標,以及面對他目前的情勢有什麼想法。167Please respect copyright.PENANAEL5pMxZ1nU
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我似乎也沒看到陸哥想解毒XD 這中間感覺有什麼不對勁。167Please respect copyright.PENANA1GbngMJNe8
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另外,在他跟那條龍的互動上……雖然兩人無法直接互動。但或許龍可以用其他方式幫助他。167Please respect copyright.PENANAnbnbiU0jED
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像是有敵人來的時候會感應到,或者有什麼其他協助陸哥的手段。167Please respect copyright.PENANAhglNmCbMDK
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總之,就是確立各個人物行動的主軸。有時光靠對話沒辦法補充到的,需要用說式寫法補充,強化人物的背景跟行動的連結。167Please respect copyright.PENANAKK8gGe3NLn
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換言之,就是動機、行動。需要好好表示出來。這樣會比較能讓人抓準這個人到底想幹嘛。167Please respect copyright.PENANAdGnS5cApIp
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而在出現許多登場人物的長篇故事裡,用說式鋪設人物背景和心境、行為動機,就是蠻重要的點。167Please respect copyright.PENANAjBw6xLSEgG
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如果每個都要用演的,有時反而會演不清楚。需要掌握敘述跟演出的平衡。167Please respect copyright.PENANA2e8gQttoa1
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另外,稍微補充一點。167Please respect copyright.PENANAsOI6nyKW60
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由於劇情稍顯散亂,可以將某一段劇情規劃為同一個篇章。167Please respect copyright.PENANAoPeo5Npeh9
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(以下都我隨便舉的)167Please respect copyright.PENANAsMBOJT8XAd
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例如:167Please respect copyright.PENANAsujJVOe1KY
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〈軍校篇〉女主角的目標是隱藏身分,並修練到初始境界,然而,正當她準備渡劫時,身分卻忽然曝光,因此迎來戰鬥。
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〈陸哥解咒篇〉不知什麼影響,陸哥的蠱毒忽然發作。同時,女主要跨越新境界,需要取出陸哥身上的毒蟲。恰好此時,女主聽聞到新的解蠱情報。為了逼出毒蟲,女主前往新的境地。167Please respect copyright.PENANAPMUdLbL71Q
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〈皇位篇〉陸哥康復後,朝臣大為震驚。而支持他的貴族也變多。這時,跟陸哥競爭皇位的某皇子偷襲陸哥,女主抓到這名刺客後,逼問出他們打算藉著陸哥身上的神器(龍爺)來搜尋鳳靈的下落。167Please respect copyright.PENANA8m77nwSgTH
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傳聞中,同時得到龍靈和鳳靈的人可居皇位。在女主的逼問下,龍爺終於說出隱藏已久的情報,女主為了讓鳳靈強化自己的寶書,竟然願意幫助陸哥前往搜尋鳳靈。167Please respect copyright.PENANATvPoM5WnkW
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像這樣子,讓每章的重點都扣在一個主題上,觀眾也比較懂這段在講什麼。167Please respect copyright.PENANASoNwBBlEu2
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目前原作的走法,原以為會過上軍校生活,結果忽然開始得罪人,然後逃亡。其實會比較沒有記憶點,可以參考看看。167Please respect copyright.PENANA7IrbNcmXUZ
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上述的舉例,鈴鈴能發現,女主角跟陸哥都會有動機,以及行動。將這樣的主軸抓好,故事走向會明確很多。167Please respect copyright.PENANAOcF6qqS41Z
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當然,女主的功力要在哪個階段成長,都可以自行規劃。167Please respect copyright.PENANAGFR38ojc0d
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大概是這種感覺。167Please respect copyright.PENANACBJel1GODy
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有興趣的讀者歡迎讀讀看。167Please respect copyright.PENANAcYXYTB8T5d
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