大學一年級時,林蓁𠝹過手。141Please respect copyright.PENANAiwM72cgrHD
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位置不是最常見的脈博處,那些分明的血管使她清晰感知生命的跳動,她不是想死,並未下定決心憑著將皮膚割開、鮮血噴湧失去呼吸。141Please respect copyright.PENANAs7a9M9Fpx6
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她只是,除了將身體的疼痛放到最大以外,就不知道怎樣才能緩解突如其來侵襲的負面情緒。141Please respect copyright.PENANAA93cz2ccJ3
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她會把𠝹刀橫在二頭肌位置,然後劃下去,皮膚並無明顯裂開,僅僅流出血——這個形容未免太輕巧,她的意思是,想比起皮膚分離的刺激,劃下去後只得血不斷湧現,快速、急進地湛落,像打開了一罐有氣的飲品,那樣一發不可收拾。141Please respect copyright.PENANAkzNvaX4wmF
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真正令她感到刺激,或是心潮澎湃的是,𠝹下去前一刻。141Please respect copyright.PENANA0w5l8BXF4U
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多數猶豫不決,置刀子於皮膚上,一動不動,深呼吸,一時怕痛,一時怕別人看見,一時怕痛了以後別人看不見,最怕原來𠝹了,感覺也不外如是。141Please respect copyright.PENANAdLZRqxd0mx
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心跳加速,怦怦怦怦怦地跳,不是浪漫的氣氛,但有越來越熱的身烘托。141Please respect copyright.PENANAKkAfhJYCAl
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就這樣發了好久呆,終於下定決心,卻依然是細細力,劃出淺淺的痕,當然也有血,只是僅似被鋒利的紙擦過,如同漫不經心。這樣的痕跡是最多的,像一種車子出發前的蓄力,轟轟轟,最後才敢用力前進,一鼓作氣插穿路面。141Please respect copyright.PENANAi5yserYJ90
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因此手臂有很多窄窄的紅,最後,才有一條明顯的疤,像蟲子和小蟲子,不斷來回爬行,蠶食完好的皮膚。141Please respect copyright.PENANACXvXaCJOdg
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選在二頭肌,而非前臂,也是因為只要穿袖子稍長的衣服,便可遮住所有劃痕。141Please respect copyright.PENANA2jSWQCpEoc
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她害怕被看見,若要解釋,又不知從何說起,由𠝹刀的製作開始描述?或是從她生命的誕生提起呢。敍事,從來都是困難的,尤其是在起頭時,已讓人預設:大概是很不開心才會自殘吧!那麼,她的形容必須符合他人預期,否則又會被批判。141Please respect copyright.PENANA5SZrgXy2hQ
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她不願被批判。141Please respect copyright.PENANANdNhuJwjE6
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見輔導的以前和以後,林蓁只是覺得,因著藥物影響,似乎睡得更好,可是,亦未見其效。141Please respect copyright.PENANAT62hslGNNZ
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她依然常常發呆,翻來覆去地陷入抑鬱。141Please respect copyright.PENANA3vEd6y4Wkn
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在大學,她唸心理學,也上過輔導課,自知不是聊幾次天就有大突破。畢竟過去原是那樣厚,逐一拆解也要時間。141Please respect copyright.PENANAiwoL8dzML7
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說來慚愧,她生活如常。141Please respect copyright.PENANAb64Z7PaIUK
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在交好所有功課後,她只等待大學派發分數,然後,就畢業了。再沒有慣常日程追趕,竟使她好空虛。141Please respect copyright.PENANA4i59Zq0TxC
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為了讓履歷表看起來豐富一點(真的出於這功利原因),她申請了功課輔導班的兼職,已做了一段時間。她和學校有緣——即使未曾想過未來會在學校工作,但大學四年,時時被母校叫回去做導師,教過初中中文和高中文學,發現自己真的不適合做教育。141Please respect copyright.PENANAJfHmoaIe6C
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傳授知識,若是不只將課文和筆記讀一遍,而是真的要讓原本不懂的人,明白內容,理解概念,並不容易——她覺得吃力,不欲再做。141Please respect copyright.PENANAo3coCLPE0y
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功課輔導班是相對輕鬆,全因只需管理秩序,還有教授功課內容。雖然,上到大學,她就取不到很好的成績,但是,小學程度的課業,還是勉強可以應付。141Please respect copyright.PENANAZa0FjqYMuT
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逢星期一、三、五下午,她便會到小學兼職。141Please respect copyright.PENANALrB2Y19yBz
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說來巧合,地區便利之故,公司將她編排到母校。結果,距離畢業近十載,期間只有一次回去小學的她,又重新到學校。位置離家甚近,十年前,她畢業後,學校外牆馬上大翻新,其時學校因換了校長而新人事、新作風,結果她熟悉的老師都走了一輪,才使如沒有再回去。141Please respect copyright.PENANALtQPlZPV1J
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再到學校,只覺歲月如梭,誰都捉不緊那無聲無息流走的到底是什麼。141Please respect copyright.PENANAgYos04it3I
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有老師認得林蓁——141Please respect copyright.PENANASGL9q9ldvt
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她是一個怎樣的學生呢?141Please respect copyright.PENANA4KvDSTmVw3
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讀書時期,一直規行矩步,品學兼優,但因生性文靜、沉悶之故,而不多出風頭,每年取操行獎、服務獎,但也不算受歡迎。她就是這種常見的學生。141Please respect copyright.PENANAuSB3PU6kjK
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「林——蓁?你返嚟探老師?」141Please respect copyright.PENANAHdxPvQim7D
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「我做功輔班啊。」她指指手上的功課袋。141Please respect copyright.PENANADNuZfHrCvb
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老師又往教員室裡叫喚,結果幾個老師都出來了,全都認得她。看來,歲月沒有令她變化太大,樣子氣質身型,統統在隔開十年仍能辨認的程度,也不知是否應該開心。141Please respect copyright.PENANAPuUJ8feko1
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她的小學生涯,其實沒什麼特別事。141Please respect copyright.PENANA1mvgM5Dqk3
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「咁乖嘅,返嚟做嘢。」141Please respect copyright.PENANAEoQhnZPXiY
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「係囉,林蓁嗰屆啲學生都好叻。」141Please respect copyright.PENANAjnuFYdhwcQ
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「我印象深刻,你畫畫還好,但每次都好努力畫,哈哈哈。」141Please respect copyright.PENANAQATKyXR6jn
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「我係幾時教過你?」141Please respect copyright.PENANAhXW2fknjOv
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「啲學生難唔難湊啊,功輔班啲學生都嘈一啲。」141Please respect copyright.PENANAHXtXdQ7S2h
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「哇,你哋過幾年之後,學校無埋笛隊啦。141Please respect copyright.PENANAeZObwUHAvu
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「蓁蓁真係特別乖啊,你之後仲有無玩廣播劇同跳舞?」141Please respect copyright.PENANAWzxYlrsXom
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老師們竟然還記得她。多可怕,一班三十餘人,一個老師教三、四班,已過十年,仍可清晰說出她的名字,連同那些他們帶領過的活動。141Please respect copyright.PENANAJ3EyWS4QTx
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林蓁連忙陪笑,逐一回答問題,藉著打鐘的間隙失陪。141Please respect copyright.PENANATnbwQSN457