後來,林蓁回想舊事,喜歡Y先生時,其實已是中四。記憶再模糊,感受亦是真。118Please respect copyright.PENANAwwsGefxAFn
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她之所以傷心,除了因為他不喜歡自己,還因為那個熱心助人的同學,竟然用「豬閪」這種字詞形容人。118Please respect copyright.PENANAT87GSaiRcR
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自此之後,她就沒有喜歡過男生。118Please respect copyright.PENANAOyjbut9Rrg
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每次感到空虛時,林蓁也會意圖填滿自己。118Please respect copyright.PENANA90ceFmOMt7
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以食物填滿胃,以粉底液填滿毛孔,以男人的話語填滿口腔。118Please respect copyright.PENANAM1DRzIagBr
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她記得上次輔導員問,除了跑步,她還有沒有其他的方法,可以緩解情緒。她有更多是沒有說出口的。118Please respect copyright.PENANAUdElteeszu
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例如,暴食。118Please respect copyright.PENANACYTXvopcNj
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時時如此,只是,她後來會節食一段時間來控制身型,讓別人看不出早就經過一段飲食的變化。好吃或能提供味覺刺激的食物總是不健康的,韓國辣麵、炸雞、珍珠奶茶,唯有滿是油、糖、脂肪的「邪惡感」,才讓她覺得自己對於悲傷贖了罪。118Please respect copyright.PENANAz6bTwd7CNf
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如果進食不健康的食物,是對身體的懲罰,那麼她作為身體的靈魂主體,折磨自己,抵擋無法隔擋的、洶湧的悲傷。118Please respect copyright.PENANA6yKe7ZDPdi
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記得有一次,她留在周立沖處,聽他說很掛念A小姐。118Please respect copyright.PENANAZOkae1kZfw
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分手才兩星期,不過半個月,他若然思念,亦是正常。118Please respect copyright.PENANAbvTxzhoG2s
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她無法感受自己的情緒,只是得體地應答。可是,隔了一會兒,她近乎哀求地問他:118Please respect copyright.PENANA2reKRGrljr
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「可唔可以煮個印尼撈?」118Please respect copyright.PENANA58S3bqLZmm
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「啱啱先食完飯……生果都食埋喎,你餓?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAsYeXFJNyvM
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「我想食嘢。」118Please respect copyright.PENANA9GF4swVUYG
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「洗多札提子畀你?」118Please respect copyright.PENANAltXIUqz2nM
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「我要食印尼撈。」她難得強硬。118Please respect copyright.PENANAhxSqJW6rqH
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「你今日做咩事?奇奇怪怪。」他也不再多問,動身煮麵。118Please respect copyright.PENANA5uzpX1reZt
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林蓁清楚,這是她的忍耐到臨界點了。118Please respect copyright.PENANAACeNwVAgwR
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她陪在他身邊一整天,開心笑開心玩,熱鬧過後,他傾訴的是另一個女子。她只是感到,自己不知為何要存在。原先還以為自己特別大量、包容,其實不是,她啞言,佔有慾在一𣊬間將她壓垮,還傷了自尊心。118Please respect copyright.PENANA6YWozwNrnf
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可是他明明說她很好。118Please respect copyright.PENANA6BNk2eSNsH
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可是他明明說分手幾年發現只有她一人可以裝載他全部心聲。118Please respect copyright.PENANAoYvfSeBPig
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可是他明明說她很特別。118Please respect copyright.PENANA1Yb2MNgdNe
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陷入苦戀,心知無法繼續前進,發展出更美麗姻緣,卻捨不得離棄過往已建立的,譬如與對方的回憶,譬如自己投入過的情深意切。她那樣清楚,現時的快樂會飛散,認知若是過分清晰,實在無法浪漫。118Please respect copyright.PENANATtL479mwHa
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可是在心底深處,她很想往後餘生也有他。118Please respect copyright.PENANAu81yy2qN9M
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因此她想要進食,彷彿以食物將湧動的情緒狠狠包裹。118Please respect copyright.PENANAs8kigyBeCx
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「好食!」林蓁又嘻嘻哈哈,和周立沖歡快地聊天。118Please respect copyright.PENANABx2xQHtHyp
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本想用滿是炸蒜的唇親吻他,她的臉被一隻大手蓋住後,他轉而主動親吻她的臉。118Please respect copyright.PENANAjTxcUOA8pc
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呵,這樣的二人,竟然不是親密愛侶。118Please respect copyright.PENANATfSnGGSIzr
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她平靜起來——雖然由她自己敍述,彷如一個隨時都會失控的精神病人——她最怕別人怕她。然而,在旁人眼中,其實她並無特別的行徑,僅僅是,無緣無故便吃很多東西(而且,多數獨自躲起來吃)。118Please respect copyright.PENANALyMl7Elfqn
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不要怕我,其實我看起來很正常——這是她想對所有知道她情況的人說的話。118Please respect copyright.PENANAvvACQ8JncA
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「食多餐都好啦,你咁瘦。」118Please respect copyright.PENANA5lN7BcxeoC
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縱然周立沖覺得莫名其妙,但也沒有追問。他只是覺得林蓁的話很少,比起三年前,雖然因嬰兒肥減退而更美麗,但是性格越來越隱晦。她以前更加有魅力。118Please respect copyright.PENANACTmm70YdHQ
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實際上他也不在意林蓁的莫名其妙。118Please respect copyright.PENANALkK0fSnyGR
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一直以來,她的身型沒有太大浮動,包括體重、體脂、肌肉量。118Please respect copyright.PENANACef7euQ1JF
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暴食的念頭多是突然襲來,不是因為肚餓,只是覺得「想食嘢」,於是便泡個杯麵,配搭檸檬茶,隨手拾起薯片及曲奇,又吃芋圓,直至盡興。吃完後,只有無盡愧疚——啊我竟然吃了那麼多,強烈的飽腹感將身體向下沉,更加難受。118Please respect copyright.PENANAPvfS42ToEu
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持續幾天,忽然又想:我唔想變肥,唔想人哋留意到我有唔同。118Please respect copyright.PENANAIG9gQ1AnNS
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現代女子多少有點身材焦慮,更見於年輕一代,是否、是否。118Please respect copyright.PENANASJgo24SgcX
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因此,便又連續幾天吃少少,反正沒有人管她吃什麼,一個麵包頂全日、一杯綠茶飲一個下午,亦是常事。飢餓和過份飽肚的痛苦不同,但同樣是腹部位置作崇,前者似漩渦不斷將整個身體吸入,後者則圓潤而沉重地壓住身體。118Please respect copyright.PENANA8SGlP4Sf7N
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正常飲食幾天,又循環。118Please respect copyright.PENANACs38bDAMtk
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在周立沖處留宿,其實已改善很多,畢竟二人多數吃一樣的食物,而他總叫她不要吃太少,否則沒有能量,三餐也足。118Please respect copyright.PENANAQO3oZbBTzs
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最重要的是,她不想被任何人發現,自己的身心漸漸不健康起來,要以編配食物的排列緩解——她絕不接受有任何人知道。118Please respect copyright.PENANAJ2FngPdjpm
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其實她漸漸認清,除了這些那些細碎的不幸,令她病的,還有自尊心。118Please respect copyright.PENANAgP0AfHHMDM
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握著那無人在乎的尊嚴,以孱弱身軀保護她,不想讓人知道內在殘破。118Please respect copyright.PENANAbcCgSFvBx3
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不開心,怕被嫌棄。118Please respect copyright.PENANAvg9wVctjyP
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過往被家暴,怕兒時經歷影響自身太多,才壓抑,意圖說一切早就過去。118Please respect copyright.PENANAxRObtcTKLK
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陷入痛苦的關係,怕被質疑批判。118Please respect copyright.PENANAtpKVJUvmdm
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沒有洩漏出去的聲音,在她心頭響鬧得很,變成鋒利的刀刃,刮在脆弱的皮膚上,鮮血直流,淹沒她。118Please respect copyright.PENANAN8rMdb1CNz