其實她沒有忘記那些老師的臉,只是沒有太深刻,可能因為她由此至終都是沉悶的學生。367Please respect copyright.PENANAZNPHffta4u
367Please respect copyright.PENANAtKwGrUGhJv
小學,那樣久遠,卻有很多回憶湧現——367Please respect copyright.PENANAX4ox10SidT
367Please respect copyright.PENANA9Sm9BW4S0q
家裡窮,那些要錢才能學的才藝,她通通無份。367Please respect copyright.PENANAtreN2oH5Gw
367Please respect copyright.PENANAFCt2W7NomK
她總是很羨慕人多才多藝——不是妒忌,而是羨慕,那些在學業以外的興趣太吸引,身邊能把它們玩得好的人,在她眼中都在閃閃發亮。尤其是,一項才藝往往有道具的配合,譬如舞衣、小提琴、畫具、跆拳道服,很帥氣。367Please respect copyright.PENANA3WWbDDe0C5
367Please respect copyright.PENANAUT1rt3wC4O
因此,在發現學校有許多校隊招攬時,便盡量表現,希望可以試多點。高小時期,她是舞蹈隊、廣播劇隊、繪畫隊、笛隊的成員,用來配合學校訓練,出去參加比賽。367Please respect copyright.PENANAMd8tT87sbH
367Please respect copyright.PENANAkRziEgeBlf
那些比賽的日子總是很近,臨近呈分試,她依然不想落下任何一個活動,只要可以,就趕上訓練。三點放學,先去必要人齊的廣播劇,四點半到舞蹈隊拉筋,然後被老師罵:367Please respect copyright.PENANAiOTFdXK9q4
367Please respect copyright.PENANANLsKsIECmy
「有好多嘢做又點?遲到就係心散。」367Please respect copyright.PENANAsVBsSeNyBu
367Please respect copyright.PENANAfk72Psoq7x
想來可笑,現在她已不能柔軟地「拍蝴蝶」,但是,老師罵她後,她便無時無刻念記舞步的記憶,還在。367Please respect copyright.PENANA23UrlYmbrU
367Please respect copyright.PENANAdgiqXIB6du
七點放學,天空只有一片黑。367Please respect copyright.PENANADSHsmhFzkv
367Please respect copyright.PENANATU1xCZYxec
廣播劇和跳舞都很好玩,一班人,一同為一個故事演出,練到有肌肉記憶,聽到背景音樂便入狀態,實在難忘。367Please respect copyright.PENANAOGwNLSg3HK
367Please respect copyright.PENANAZj2EwIE4Rm
令林蓁覺得辛苦的是,笛及繪畫。367Please respect copyright.PENANAlcq2FbrYWR
367Please respect copyright.PENANAkua78G9W8o
吹笛要天份——即使是兒時人人都玩的牧童笛。音樂考試後,林蓁便被選去笛隊,她還沾沾自喜——一級的笛隊只得三人,那樣難得。367Please respect copyright.PENANAQQjUjrWdWV
367Please respect copyright.PENANAZNId65d07f
可是,她很快發現,人與人之間確實存在差距,並非輕易填滿。和她一起參賽的另外兩位同學,都懂得運氣,吹出來的音色更加圓渾,而她只憑肺部吐出氣息,聽來薄弱。367Please respect copyright.PENANAcXNa6f3N1F
367Please respect copyright.PENANAMvUDHP3Mzv
最初,她還以為自己可以憑努力練習,拉近與同學的差距,但原來不能。無論她怎樣嘗試以丹田運氣,表現與原先所差無幾。單從結果上看,就像她沒有練習過。367Please respect copyright.PENANA5eAECqwqBT
367Please respect copyright.PENANAP2P2GEtNcG
她感到無力。367Please respect copyright.PENANALgVTxL5tir
367Please respect copyright.PENANAVD0JH6SoeD
繪畫也是。由於校內視覺藝術科的成績不錯,便被老師挑選到繪畫隊。367Please respect copyright.PENANAK0prs2GE8i
367Please respect copyright.PENANAZhjSdKNXbF
她生平第一次意識到——也是往後如此認知——自己一點美術天份也沒有,沒有創意、沒有美感觸覺,沒有對顏色及佈局的概念,總之,每幅畫都是極吃力地畫出來,若是不滿意,便砍掉重練,不斷畫、不斷比較,367Please respect copyright.PENANAoMDC5Pb8Jg
367Please respect copyright.PENANAlLSFOPYebG
最後都被同學嘲笑:「你憑咩同我哋一齊入嚟啊?」她本人也不知。367Please respect copyright.PENANAp5gY0UL2F5
367Please respect copyright.PENANAVKMavQV9Mr
結果,牧童笛考試及視藝科成績再好,用處只能是:讓她認清自身美術的平庸。367Please respect copyright.PENANACmgx9VWTmw
367Please respect copyright.PENANA623ryb97mt
從此,她沒有再接觸過音樂及美術。367Please respect copyright.PENANA0Am6E9Ep7v
367Please respect copyright.PENANA9s0HBwMJZb
至於舞蹈及廣播劇,升讀中學後,她便也沒有再碰。367Please respect copyright.PENANANOC2dPBApm
367Please respect copyright.PENANADpcmE8ZffY
校內沒有廣播劇,而她在中一已留意學校舞蹈學會,發現成員們全是專業學過跳舞的,中國舞現代舞爵士舞芭蕾舞等等等等,有獎項有證書。沒有人比較,或許學會亦不理會舞蹈根基、不介意她其實連一字馬這基本功也做不好,但她早早自慚形穢,走得遠遠。367Please respect copyright.PENANAJe1kE6YtSJ
367Please respect copyright.PENANAuwpIIQCFi1
哇,原來十年前的事彷如昨日。367Please respect copyright.PENANAnql0On7Tkb
367Please respect copyright.PENANASZbZnUnqkh
//367Please respect copyright.PENANA08z13hxrlB
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看見課室與舊時沒有什麼分別,便教林蓁想起一個同學,花名叫「鼻屎杰」——她竟已忘記他的本名。367Please respect copyright.PENANAop7Cljhi56
367Please respect copyright.PENANAikbzR6lGEx
鼻屎杰皮膚很白,像沒有血色,眉毛淡淡,眼睛小小,嘴巴紅紅,說話時,口水總在拉絲,牙齒上有許多泡泡。367Please respect copyright.PENANA3C6q0y2TYb
367Please respect copyright.PENANAMVJIC8Bp4c
在小學時期,大家都異常興奮(相比中學、大學),控制不住吵鬧、調皮,唯獨是鼻屎杰,沉默寡言,只愛看書,有時是《丁丁歷險記》,有時是直排密密麻麻的小說,有時是圖文並茂的大自然詭秘探索系列。林蓁坐他斜前方,她總是好奇他在看什麼,但又與他不熟,便只是盯著書封,一語不發。367Please respect copyright.PENANAWgZ8qNnJH2
367Please respect copyright.PENANAFjuCWdXy3S
他便將櫃桶的另一本書拿出來,遞給她。367Please respect copyright.PENANAVfWQCa9mce
367Please respect copyright.PENANAsZUFNW6sRb
二人不算好友,畢竟沒有什麼話聊,但她總感覺和他是投契的朋友。當時她不喜歡聒噪的男生,覺得好幼稚——拿著一張只考57分的試卷還興奮地跑來跑去,再踢另一個男同學。文靜的男生是少數,她知道鼻屎杰就是獨特的一群。367Please respect copyright.PENANAj4Ldu2PX0Q
367Please respect copyright.PENANAanjOjaFhQg
直至他被人說污糟邋遢。367Please respect copyright.PENANAlj61QXVJCa
367Please respect copyright.PENANAsVqmfX50cu
譬如,到處撩鼻屎再將其黏到桌子、椅子上,去廁所周圍噴,常沾到褲腳,不洗頭不洗澡,身上有異味。367Please respect copyright.PENANAWVmPXIUANZ
367Please respect copyright.PENANAiA4ct6DxlD
他從此起被稱為「鼻屎杰」,這花名竟被她記到廿一歲,甚至覆蓋原先記憶。367Please respect copyright.PENANABeSR5SJPsp
367Please respect copyright.PENANA9nxSKXlNRu
林蓁聽見這些話,只有不解。367Please respect copyright.PENANAzbrDbOy66L
367Please respect copyright.PENANAyPS2JQzCWa
「佢無啊?你哋覺得佢污糟咩?揭開啲書都好乾淨。」367Please respect copyright.PENANATLTBd81zwF
367Please respect copyright.PENANA5C1Ea5PytQ
「你睇吓佢個樣,成日好多口水泡泡,就算係咁撩鼻屎都唔出奇。」367Please respect copyright.PENANADVj0zvtoKs
367Please respect copyright.PENANAvU7bqlaTMQ
「但佢無喎……張枱好乾淨。」367Please respect copyright.PENANAfOblQlgxsR
367Please respect copyright.PENANAGRizoUAieB
當時林蓁不理會別人怎想,依然會在小息時,跟鼻屎杰留在課室裡聊天。她分明見到他的桌子,或是書本筆袋之類的物件都十分乾淨,因此更篤信那是流言。367Please respect copyright.PENANAvpCI5IKiFt
367Please respect copyright.PENANALSqFPQ08u1
直至他的桌子上真的出現許多污垢。367Please respect copyright.PENANAhrfBxXD4sp
367Please respect copyright.PENANARTKObwUwft
椅子也是。367Please respect copyright.PENANAfno9JqWDIW
367Please respect copyright.PENANA4VucsdcRDn
他的同桌、後座的桌子上也有疑似鼻屎的東西。367Please respect copyright.PENANAkMMFGWzULb
367Please respect copyright.PENANAKdsuYo4st7
總之,圍繞他身邊的位置都黏附了一些黑黑灰灰、黃黃啡啡的泥膠狀污垢。最後就連林蓁的椅背也開始沾上。誰都說是鼻屎杰弄到如此。367Please respect copyright.PENANARANgQul13F
367Please respect copyright.PENANA1gEAjbosEx
班上形成了一股排擠的氣氛——說得太好聽了,只是當全部人也討厭一個人時,便是那獨一個人的問題。367Please respect copyright.PENANAJAV0F9XmIv
367Please respect copyright.PENANAcm6LWUiRW1
倒是沒有粗魯暴力的手段,367Please respect copyright.PENANAt2hgQIj4MZ
367Please respect copyright.PENANAbKbrM5UamL
常識專題研習分組時,一小個圈一小個圈都形成了組別,全班也嘻嘻哈哈,找朋友繼續傾八卦。當時林蓁已與好友組一人,還欠一人,好友說:「聽候老師發落。」367Please respect copyright.PENANAc9SKcgFUNq
367Please respect copyright.PENANAKCA6ziTBlt
她應允,卻希望與鼻屎杰一組,反正見他按兵不動,一直坐在座位,應是未有組。367Please respect copyright.PENANAT7QULpfS6g
367Please respect copyright.PENANArPdvBjdGKP
結果全班都分好組,只剩鼻屎杰和另外一人沒有。367Please respect copyright.PENANA6VUI9A9a1i
367Please respect copyright.PENANARJdc4DxyHR
老師問:「有無人想同XX杰一組?」367Please respect copyright.PENANAibOhm2qdz4
367Please respect copyright.PENANArmyzK6bcbN
全班沉默。林蓁說:「我哋可以。」367Please respect copyright.PENANAjKBEAUNzTA
367Please respect copyright.PENANAQJrEeOXtHD
「咩我哋?我唔要同鼻屎杰一組!」367Please respect copyright.PENANApy1vc7vzJI
367Please respect copyright.PENANApFYzYsFFpb
這花名還是首次大大聲地被揚了出來,以往不過是背後竊竊私語。367Please respect copyright.PENANAsBxXTsjx31
367Please respect copyright.PENANA4fLvpsZmSx
「我哋仲差一個人。」林蓁只懂回應。367Please respect copyright.PENANAiAR2c1YWsY
367Please respect copyright.PENANA1FYLNazMq6
「我想同XXX(另一個同學)一組。」367Please respect copyright.PENANAvmGORwTkeN
367Please respect copyright.PENANAS0ZmdNJHHM
「OK,咁有無人想同XX杰一組?」老師問。367Please respect copyright.PENANA6XhOBHqLJI
367Please respect copyright.PENANAMaHCo3YUtS
老師當然聽見同學們不喜歡鼻屎杰,但她也不想插手,若是理會同學之間的糾紛,實在麻煩,人與人之間本就有很多互看不順的時候,又難分對錯,插手亦無結果。367Please respect copyright.PENANAIlKy14p9WQ
367Please respect copyright.PENANAoTPj7KumuX
全班又沉默,沒有人願意和鼻屎杰一組。367Please respect copyright.PENANAjouEGfSyLB
367Please respect copyright.PENANATMpCnGQbBw
全班沉默了好久,林蓁再次舉手:「我可以同佢一組。」367Please respect copyright.PENANAAKCp5W4jLp
367Please respect copyright.PENANAQCWtF6UIz5
「唔得。」遭到組員反對。367Please respect copyright.PENANASrfcAbXgg1
367Please respect copyright.PENANAt3LPS4bGju
她也很想堅持,但上秒再要求一遍,已耗盡她的勇氣。她和鼻屎杰不算很親的朋友,至少不比組員熟悉。全班都莫名地討厭鼻屎杰,她似乎沒有堅持的理由——是不是要為了他,為別人歸到「不受歡迎」那一群?367Please respect copyright.PENANAyHGy2lkzVW
367Please respect copyright.PENANAtFOdWaGMUy
最後她不再作聲。367Please respect copyright.PENANArVSztchYnv
367Please respect copyright.PENANAiwckoyjzO5
心裡一直覺得做錯了事,對於無緣無故的與人紛擾,她無所適從,也不明白為何會有那麼多的喜歡和不喜歡,甚至化作行為上的討厭,將意向表明。由始至終,她也有點懦弱,只不過想息事寧人,似乎沒有什麼必堅持不可的原則,譬如道理。367Please respect copyright.PENANAO3PJMvhA7Z
367Please respect copyright.PENANAGA4DJXio2g
林蓁對上鼻屎杰的眼睛,急急低頭,心跳很快。367Please respect copyright.PENANA8nKNGJ95iK
367Please respect copyright.PENANARjqNZKGNS1
他絲毫沒有責怪的意味,反而帶著感謝地對她笑了笑。367Please respect copyright.PENANAHZQJcqjSjG
367Please respect copyright.PENANACmtK95yxQW
這才最讓林蓁慚愧。367Please respect copyright.PENANATZJSOiB8in
367Please respect copyright.PENANAfz35epBa2w
之後的日子裡,她比以往少了和鼻屎杰說話,不是因為討厭他,而是,自己好像沒有什麼理由再和他交好。她若作為朋友,首先保全自身利益,好像也不夠堅定。367Please respect copyright.PENANA8O3M3x04T2
367Please respect copyright.PENANARTOraJmmzZ
後來她終於為何鼻屎杰被說髒亂。367Please respect copyright.PENANAOhNGxEZl4f
367Please respect copyright.PENANAirEBZ9Qebs
只是某次班裡,B同學在炫耀最新款的遊戲機時(長大後的林蓁已忘記是什麼),鼻屎杰沒有抬眼看一下;所有人都聽他的,唯獨有個靜靜坐著的身影完全忽視自己——總是淡淡,好似他珍視的一切、可以炫耀的一切,根本毫不緊要。367Please respect copyright.PENANAxWIwJnpQw9
367Please respect copyright.PENANAhRn8sFPI5w
B同學心中莫名出現一種不適,沒有由來的討厭。367Please respect copyright.PENANAMvtbYiitEX
367Please respect copyright.PENANAYXYewBoP0r
「你哋如果周圍講XX杰亂掟鼻屎,我就借遊戲機畀你哋玩。」367Please respect copyright.PENANAFYqQFk3yCC
367Please respect copyright.PENANA39qXcNR6wZ
「好!」有人說。367Please respect copyright.PENANAaRhwUmgJml
367Please respect copyright.PENANAmQ74R1VGrt
「好似唔係咁好喎……」另一些人說。367Please respect copyright.PENANAr8xjEzf2iV
367Please respect copyright.PENANAuNjAlytM56
「唔緊要,我唔借畀你都得。」B同學說。367Please respect copyright.PENANAH2bmRypW1G
367Please respect copyright.PENANA4zJ7IO2AbY
「哈!咁我哋有得玩、你哋無得玩lu。」有人說。367Please respect copyright.PENANAsoAOazG2uH
367Please respect copyright.PENANAhy9SY8vCmp
那是一個如果沒有看大家都在看的動畫、便會插不進話題的年齡;就算過後可以繼續聊天,都因「人哋有但我無」而失落,就算聊到今天的功課和體育堂,明天有看動畫的人又圍聚一起聊新一集劇情——更甚的是,有的動畫還出了卡片遊戲或玩具,又多了共鳴。367Please respect copyright.PENANAXmLs0YOoTp
367Please respect copyright.PENANAdoGLd7Mypi
「唔好。借埋畀我哋玩。」367Please respect copyright.PENANAsF74J3Ni3w
367Please respect copyright.PENANAw7sqXAYEvT
B同學以遊戲機為誘,令班上大部分男同學都聽他的話,說鼻屎杰將鼻屎亂扔。女同學本身跟鼻屎杰不熟,也怕污糟,因此與他更是疏遠,接過他傳過來的功課時,露出嫌棄神色。367Please respect copyright.PENANA0WDFlXMduy
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起因竟僅此而已。367Please respect copyright.PENANAfegydNaJqA
367Please respect copyright.PENANAQLXBuEmpCM
——後來,她終於知道他被排擠是B同學搞出來的鬼,更是沒有立場說什麼。因為,她也知道,除了什麼玩具、遊戲機,其實B同學當時還喜歡她,他對別人都粗聲粗氣,唯獨對著她時陰聲細氣,還會聊些不著邊際的話題。她和鼻屎杰坐得近,也會借故說話,投緣地笑。這些那些,也許都構成B同學帶頭排擠鼻屎杰的理由。她不肯定,但如此相信。367Please respect copyright.PENANAHlq63nMbNj
367Please respect copyright.PENANAq7nCEX6fV5
歸咎自身之後,又想起那時她沒有更大膽地說一聲:367Please respect copyright.PENANAEASyZBJMOQ
367Please respect copyright.PENANAaUqW5g1noQ
「我要同佢一組!」表明立場,便更愧疚。367Please respect copyright.PENANA0hkI4aBJL2
367Please respect copyright.PENANAe0psuFNNQH
鼻屎杰的無妄之災,實在無辜,她這罪魁禍首卻只是做作地自我對話,愧疚一下。若是解釋,更覺無謂,難道說:367Please respect copyright.PENANAjYMCyPrqC1
367Please respect copyright.PENANAilcBiRhThD
「你畀人排擠係因為B同學唔鍾意你,同埋,佢鍾意我。」367Please respect copyright.PENANANOWvW6UT1r
367Please respect copyright.PENANARFOapjRyQk
何必。367Please respect copyright.PENANAhKDf82aSsf
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很快便調位,二人再沒說過話,畢業後更難聯絡。367Please respect copyright.PENANAs4rWT5XDZ7
367Please respect copyright.PENANAat2m7USVMw
只是有時,林蓁睡不著的時候,會想起這件事。367Please respect copyright.PENANAeHD9cnuT3H