在很久很久前，大概在中一的時候，林蓁喜歡過一個男生。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8uApxBHSwy
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9mkVKmEh9S
當時，她比廿一歲的自己還重四公斤，還戴黑框眼鏡，臉上還有一些痘痘。比起廿一歲，十二歲的她自然是不懂打扮。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqhcwFnVjO0
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJyEMXBU7Ak
那個男生，暫稱他為Y先生，是她的鄰座，平時二人會互相問功課，她文科好，他理科好，因此才打開話題。他和大部分男同學一樣，小息時也會圍在一角，通常玩BS卡，或者約放學後打LOL。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNrs7IGcHUt
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJypzkNoSyn
原本，二人一直不熟，林蓁對Y先生無感，畢竟她平常只和女生玩。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4j9hvqAuZK
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkf1Hxlx1Gc
直到，第一次她月經來潮，當時在上課，她只感到下體濕濕的，站起來後，則被後桌的男同學大聲說：520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVF4yNO0wiS
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIt1uow7Bns
「你條裙有血！」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnlPZin0AH6
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1zRMptWfwT
白色的校裙上有一撻小小的跡，還未凝固結塊，像一朵剛開的花。然後，其他人也跟著起哄。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvBIV4vfGca
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBVQBQUG9td
「大個女啦。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6thISJz8Lv
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTziP6txEYf
「哎吔，快啲坐返低。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFt6fH34A9J
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt1TiR7JOxe
「去廁所清理吓。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4OwQfoytys
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu79mNEjkfH
她腦袋一片空白，無法反應，對於自己竟對月經不知所措——更加不知所措。她沒有郁動，等到Y先生脫下毛衣，圍在她腰上，遮住裙子。他拍一拍她，著她去洗手間。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2g7A3xXh7T
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz11cGMJkyC
自從這一次，她就感到自己好像喜歡了Y先生。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhYaqjAsIOU
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJJHknDb9XN
當時心思單純，對一個人有意，就寫在臉上，明明晃晃，無遮無掩。Y先生的笑話不一定好笑，但她一定會笑，而且是盡力地笑，咧開嘴角便見不夠整齊的牙，還會嬌嬌地眉眼彎彎。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGSF8jqXRJf
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp0uHa2NbSV
早上，她先到校，便自願替他到儲物櫃拿當日要用的書。一年一度的社際運動比賽，她會買飲品、小食給他。總在製造偶遇機會，遲他幾秒出課室去洗手間，然後假裝在路上一同回程，碰見，傾多兩嘴。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpQ1LhumnVE
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRiqvg39KNK
好友說她的心意很明顯，她沒有說什麼，只是怯怯地睜大眼，再四處張望，確定身邊沒有人聽見這段對話。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYGyWcRlMJX
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPZx8fhJ9O7
終於，有一天，放學後，她知道Y先生會留在課室，便打算一起坐在座位上靜靜溫習。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhVIXos9Tmn
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdFC8y3URkl
但到她折返課室，聽見他和同學的對話——520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPoJyIlf8ij
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHV95lg3xfq
「林蓁係咪同你有路？好殷勤喎。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUKa5hCd1qw
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡURVfuxwIR3
「咪係囉，又睇你比賽，又送水又送糧！」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbfmrkoDgbc
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxRRXZNUW6b
「仲有啲眼神好痴纏，一唔講嘢就笑住咁望你。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡThbhoDeg7q
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXeCZNuWxhK
「咦～實係有嘢啦。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5GsyvC84Ls
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb77SfLOasW
她聽見，竟然有點開心。理論上，她在暗戀，可是愛一個人至世上無人知曉，卻是委屈的。她更加期待Y先生的反應。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmvjtVCQOUS
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhhABBc6MYU
只聽見他說：520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTeDMYH3lk0
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOfwNGpaHdS
「吓！咪玩啦，豬扒嚟，我先唔會鍾意佢。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYGcApQ0zUP
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhcxxPchAjv
林蓁心下一沉。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi5jzXxwGvQ
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ErMjsa24b
「你哋幾親㗎喎。」同學說。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKGi81KbWrf
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjkSJxa5fkS
她又想，會不會是他口硬？520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQkByKXfuAb
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwbVmJ6UDuT
「佢係都要痴埋嚟咋嘛，呢啲豬閪，我鍾意佢就真係柒頭啦。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBuNKbwakMk
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRUMno4O4cK
「哇！睇嚟你係柒頭！」同學說。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJw4SQOYYfR
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPxx8efVrGg
「咪再講，再聽到佢個名我要洗耳。戇鳩，我無可能鍾意佢，寧願打一世飛機。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2c4EB75I0B
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4cdt4QE1me
「好過去自瀆啦。」同學說。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU1796yazsW
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL2ywuZfbwQ
林蓁和那天月經來潮一樣，無法動彈，臉上也不能反應任何表情。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXkj7MZAtrS
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCcLSpi184m
最後，她站了一會兒，轉身離去。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjGqIHtXzUZ
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlGWP4KZWnP
/520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlAiTbK0Dzq
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSsOiYTYknj
翌日，林蓁確實去了買燈泡，但沒有回家。讓父親一人多留在家一天吧——彷彿是一種小小的報復，偏偏只懂得在這些小事上用力。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4bRhFFF6jU
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm8TeOJIJyi
她去見了周立沖。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdMu52X07Gi
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTLA2pPCRBW
一見面，他便說：「今晚不如我煮，你想食咩？」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvyZi9KWvMf
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡylMR3sEmvq
三年前，二人一起，他也常常為她下廚。他這樣說，令她感到二人又回到從前戀愛時。不知道為何，世間男子千千萬，而她明知他不必然是良人，卻在他回來時洶湧澎湃，難以自控地傾瀉。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyJA75RTJwC
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7S7uuH9aoU
「無所謂。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJCUS5W3U90
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXCjSppk5eK
她說「無所謂」，是真的無所謂，並非心裡還有其他盤算，希望別人猜中她未講的話語。畢竟她只需將食物放進口便能填飽肚子，有什麼好要求更多；何況，有人願意煮飯——她已經很久沒有吃過住家飯，對上一次，又是他煮。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk8QGKDBQTh
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi0neHoC0TU
家裡沒有飯吃。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ3OWh5k0To
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw3ZRrjNazb
「都知你又會話無所謂，咁我話事啦。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSXiKpB4TbI
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG8yW7qV86T
「你煮咩我都食。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCjxEetDO8z
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQaTrNOYyDW
「傻瓜。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhA6Jizs3SF
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnK9I7YZlua
他摸摸她的頭。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYt55OvKLwm
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZfCUkZnA4g
每次，她都對他的溫柔心動，最初，還會不懂反應，但後來便習慣，臉色自如。能夠和他走到今天這一步，她還求什麼。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtx322KQN9u
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBIJabj5rHt
如果真的有辛苦的時候，也是她自尋的——520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡey9mn3KQ8s
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWLVTTwtOIf
譬如，她是因為喜歡他，才會無法離開這段關係；但他不是，若然情傷已癒，哪需異性的溫柔。他若真的喜歡她，最初又怎會捨棄，或者，現在又怎會回來，由她療傷。可是，即使已有清晰認知，她總想到：反正，青春也是要浪費的，除了自身可以發展的事，感情上，不是花在這個人身上，就是另一個人，倒不如，在遇見更喜歡的人之前，將愛傾瀉到他身上。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡClfbaVDSYY
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4W2CuVpTDl
「快啲煮嘢啦，我好肚餓，嘻嘻。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRcPBOr00QT
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCPrsrZyZ5C
「不如食咗我先。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCopKeKlBg1
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwAHhnGgg3e
「唔要你，成身臭汗。」520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIeUGjDD4Eb
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9MwiIYpVNX
可是她又要偽裝成，其實不是非他不可。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9EPVZK4Rvf
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV6KffNrMTS
愛時時談論「無論如何」，而她的便是：喜歡他，不過又允諾他隨時離開。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkw7x25JmEf
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAQ4PFBWYUe
她日夜恍神，反覆在腦海練習有一天，他會遇見愛人或是靈魂伴侶之類的東西，她故作鎮定地點點頭、應應嘴，又有一把畫外音著她好好管理顫抖的臉，不要露出濕潤的聲息。久而久之，她便以為，自己已被好好訓練過，可以接受悲痛的離散。連夢也時時出現他，再時時失落。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1YC36yjEZG
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzeInkEoUQd
不過，幸好，現在他在。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrezgvP4nam
520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw8LtXP2NoH
心聲太吵鬧，她只能確保自己不要突然發瘋，苛求堅定地被愛。520Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmeXwZY0wuh
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