然後,她去替人補習,如常地,五點半到達學生的家。學生是一對姊妹,輪流上課,每人一小時。七點半,她便離開,回家煮個公仔面食。384Please respect copyright.PENANAIUHKUZV2rJ
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/384Please respect copyright.PENANACuXYME6rmK
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這一年來,林蓁偶然回家睡覺,偶然在外過夜。要說「偶然」,好像並不準確,最近她與周立沖交好,時時留在他宿舍,但有時,她也天天回家,畢竟宿舍不是她的家。384Please respect copyright.PENANAGhEqWi59DG
384Please respect copyright.PENANAEW1hSJcrOt
一家五口,她是二妹,也是二家姐,大家姐一早移居國外,弟弟則到外國讀書,家中只得她一個。以前,她忘記過自己有家姐,這幾年,快要連有弟弟也忘記。384Please respect copyright.PENANA3cFja0xdc4
384Please respect copyright.PENANAjYVzpOFPqw
進門,燈火通明,林父在客廳看電視,背靠輪椅。384Please respect copyright.PENANAy13uyvWLdN
384Please respect copyright.PENANA4DEDeNedwI
「林蓁,攞紙巾過嚟。」384Please respect copyright.PENANAGutnVk80BQ
384Please respect copyright.PENANAJnzdnS0CJQ
他與那個口中怒吼「你跟我姓㗎!食我嘅住我嘅,我打死你都冇人知!」的父親形象已大大不同,經歷中風,身體羸弱的他一改舊日暴戾,平靜地如一般退休老人。現在,他需要倚靠女兒的照顧。384Please respect copyright.PENANAXnSyJAmrox
384Please respect copyright.PENANA6PrcQ197TN
因此,像什麼事都沒有發生過一樣,與女兒「正常共對」。哪怕流露出一點點愧疚,林蓁也會好過一些。384Please respect copyright.PENANAdIAIeMnATl
384Please respect copyright.PENANAUVvB0veAMY
她沒有刻意回憶舊事,但還是記得過往——384Please respect copyright.PENANAx9BgBHuqUt
384Please respect copyright.PENANAsKWvF6c0j4
林父最初,只會打大家姐。大家姐長得高,人又聰明,時時駁嘴。384Please respect copyright.PENANAKToAF940I5
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他心情不好便會打她。384Please respect copyright.PENANADE0uT6BTwq
384Please respect copyright.PENANAvM8CxiHG0O
大家姐多數不吭一聲,直直地瞪著父親,眼睛通紅。父親最討厭她這模樣,知道她現在不說話不求饒,為著平時他說些什麼時冷靜地反駁,他抄起飯桌上的鏡子,往她的膞頭骨打下去。384Please respect copyright.PENANA0KGWa91YsA
384Please respect copyright.PENANAV2Vg92pSpK
一下一下打下去。384Please respect copyright.PENANAAR2amRdioG
384Please respect copyright.PENANAmbHMwP3QYt
「你唔聽話吖嘛?答我呀!我生你養你打死你都無問題呀!」384Please respect copyright.PENANAhlNGJQ0iP9
384Please respect copyright.PENANAYfI5Lf81qd
「我無唔聽話呀!」384Please respect copyright.PENANAgMzr2wenUR
384Please respect copyright.PENANAbAQpCeXHew
「仲講大話!」384Please respect copyright.PENANAorKUaSts5C
384Please respect copyright.PENANAMqsm6Cj5u6
他捉住大家姐的頭髮,髮根吃痛,她便用腳爬到父親用力的方向,他更輕鬆地把她的頭按在地上。384Please respect copyright.PENANAjGpyyeHnXK
384Please respect copyright.PENANA0BGoWDcmVS
打人工具不多,或是說沒有特定工具,要麼隨手拿起便敲到身上,要麼單純用手打打打㩒㩒㩒刮刮刮。他那樣即興,像一份浪漫美意。384Please respect copyright.PENANAaBEMvLHbE6
384Please respect copyright.PENANAOqtb2E6GcA
彼時林蓁和弟弟跪坐在房內,隔著一段距離,看爸爸和家姐。384Please respect copyright.PENANAZ2ZiQh9VF6
384Please respect copyright.PENANA4DOZFM5nGP
「你哋兩個唔好似最大嗰件咁壞!如果唔係連你哋都打。」384Please respect copyright.PENANAlD1F6ySqi3
384Please respect copyright.PENANA8blYssztGm
小小林蓁會忍不住哭出聲來。384Please respect copyright.PENANAanC967tyhi
384Please respect copyright.PENANAh435pNsrx5
她對父親恐懼,卻又覺得是家姐首先「曳」,所以才被父親打。她會出去,將攤在地上的家姐扶起,說:384Please respect copyright.PENANAd2iQ9LqdE3
384Please respect copyright.PENANAT3q1WL0wSm
「你以後都唔好激嬲阿爸啦。」384Please respect copyright.PENANA4ahFz3gCP8
384Please respect copyright.PENANAErrpbW6ME9
家姐只是拍開林蓁的手:「縮頭烏龜,唔使你可憐。」384Please respect copyright.PENANAUbqrHA77AV
384Please respect copyright.PENANAebDK6QVMCb
媽媽回家,見到屋內一片死寂,也沒提什麼,只說:「開飯啦。」384Please respect copyright.PENANAJ1U1opLr39
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然後,林蓁把紙巾遞給父親,他抽出,用力呻鼻涕。384Please respect copyright.PENANASYLcrpN2Ix
384Please respect copyright.PENANATHngLjVqKk
她去煮辛辣麵,不再另以碗裝住,就這樣捧著鍋吃,坐在客廳,沒有和父親看一樣的電視內容,只是看電話。新聞新聞,姜濤,譚仔,SASA特價,清潔工權利,腦袋卻無法裝載更多。384Please respect copyright.PENANAPat9eki9By
384Please respect copyright.PENANAJySRyzgunC
快快吃完,她去洗鍋。384Please respect copyright.PENANAkmkiE4i2VV
384Please respect copyright.PENANAqqp1PeleJp
林蓁從不會過分霸佔一個空間,即使長期留在一個地方,如家,如周立沖的宿舍,她的物件都沒有幾多。384Please respect copyright.PENANAJ5icclhxRB
384Please respect copyright.PENANAnapxDVcHRi
自小,父親便不喜歡她將玩具放出客廳,有次,她將一個小熊公仔放在沙發上,然後去廁所,出來時,便不見了小熊。384Please respect copyright.PENANAGUT0PPmyHE
384Please respect copyright.PENANAasIv1PMI69
「熊仔去咗邊?」384Please respect copyright.PENANA3JIoyQgne0
384Please respect copyright.PENANAhdi1pJKp5Z
「我抌咗。」384Please respect copyright.PENANAR4lRhV3GcE
384Please respect copyright.PENANAy1xrAfBFSg
「吓……」她小小聲,馬上到垃圾桶裡撿小熊,只見它對上有一堆橙皮、紙巾、洋蔥。倒是沒有哭,只不斷地用水沖涮小熊,又嗅了嗅,酸臭味仍然不走,加梘液,起泡刷。384Please respect copyright.PENANAiJDRI62aPi
384Please respect copyright.PENANAvoxpKgR3i2
當時她已很怕父親,便不敢說什麼,只環抱小熊,在他面前行過,證明她對小熊不離不棄。從此,她不再將自己的東西,放在「不屬於自己」的地方,譬如客廳、廚房。384Please respect copyright.PENANASbFdDgUrfv
384Please respect copyright.PENANAVmjNbhT28u
她在家霸佔的位置也越來越小,開始覺得多餘。384Please respect copyright.PENANAi9KvfY14WU
384Please respect copyright.PENANAGfvE77OuFa
此刻,斟了一杯水後,林蓁在父親面前吃藥,他的眼神依然死死盯著電視螢幕。她根本不必避諱。她是幸運的。在避談精神病的城裡,她的親人要麼離開了,要麼對她不管不顧,誰管她的死活呢。一個人的能量有限,她不必花心神在隱藏自己的狀態之上。384Please respect copyright.PENANAzdLYoihNZn
384Please respect copyright.PENANAm7dbFkSygp
和她一屋簷下的血親,甚至不知道她幾歲、唸什麼、將來會返咩工。384Please respect copyright.PENANAg0VQJHnL3j
384Please respect copyright.PENANAQbsgYsUhOP
二人不會說話——反正她不會牽起話頭。384Please respect copyright.PENANAwsUzg45FEG
384Please respect copyright.PENANAID2lgAUjqQ
和他,不知有什麼好講。每個家庭,也是如此麼——恐怕不是,畢竟她羨慕過別人家的融洽和睦。閉上屋門,死氣沉沉,只得腳步聲來來回回拖拉。對於她現在的一切,除了煞有介事地和輔導員講之外,就沒有辦法與人道,慢慢,她的語言能力也枯萎,必要說的事以外,連組織也困難。384Please respect copyright.PENANAegW8Dvwle0
384Please respect copyright.PENANAs8J6sb8Qr5
有時,她會怨恨全屋人都走光,家姐一早撇下她,母親死了,細佬又走,得她一個留在家。384Please respect copyright.PENANAZGLwwNNh9I
384Please respect copyright.PENANAIO3O37DPCG
家姐離開後,父親便找林蓁出氣,依然是拳打腳踢。384Please respect copyright.PENANAXE2qEblvmZ
384Please respect copyright.PENANAR0bH9XwsXM
但,她從來沒有「激嬲」父親。384Please respect copyright.PENANASUMBFiCupE
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那時,小小林蓁和家姐陷入一種莫名其妙的冷戰。384Please respect copyright.PENANAgbIkxAZeOm
384Please respect copyright.PENANAbNyF5vXLlL
二人沒有吵架,只是,當林蓁叫家姐不要再惹父親生氣、又故作乖巧地斟水給他喝消消氣後,家姐每次見她,便沒有好臉色。384Please respect copyright.PENANAA6AZFBfEm9
384Please respect copyright.PENANA4v5DAhXiSo
作為二女兒,家庭的中間位置,平凡、不突出、不顯眼;林蓁擁有「希望所有人都喜歡自己」的渴望,否則,誰會關心她呢。家姐更聰明堅強,而弟弟是家中唯一男兒。384Please respect copyright.PENANA7vXSTp9BnV
384Please respect copyright.PENANARES9t9ESed
林蓁總是溫溫和和,不吵不鬧,她一早發現自己不是可以雲淡風輕的天之驕子,也沒有勇氣離經叛道做野孩子,要得到歡心和關注,只能做好自身,微笑對人,得體應答,天真可愛,人蓄無害——她有這樣的天賦。384Please respect copyright.PENANA2TM7Otht8u
384Please respect copyright.PENANAawtcaEYqoJ
她自覺喜歡充當人與人之間的潤滑劑,或者說是,討厭別人對立,每次如此,她不知道應該支持哪方。而且,別人若是熱鬧,又有誰看見只瑟縮的她呢。384Please respect copyright.PENANAuyz52Ta7Ry
384Please respect copyright.PENANA7I9X2lN27a
所以,每次家姐被父親打,林蓁也會看看家姐,問她痛不痛。384Please respect copyright.PENANACVcOScsfHH
384Please respect copyright.PENANAZXXO5Vgm7W
「你匿埋都唔緊要,你同細佬仲細,都無辦法攔到阿爸。但點解要叫我唔好激佢?」家姐說。384Please respect copyright.PENANAp8Y2yYcone
384Please respect copyright.PENANAyvvSTCaPuC
「我驚你畀佢打得更加犀利。」林蓁說。384Please respect copyright.PENANA1Hte0huvI1
384Please respect copyright.PENANATo0Dm9CNPl
「唔係我令到佢打我㗎!係佢自己發神經㗎!」384Please respect copyright.PENANAJf8N0DLnKj
384Please respect copyright.PENANAe0HZUzsGeh
「咁佢打緊你嗰陣時,向佢求饒,等佢快啲打完啦……」384Please respect copyright.PENANAlalNxsWpNt
384Please respect copyright.PENANAIkp5VJzVhO
「佢又打唔死我,為咗嗰少少快啲打完,求佢?你係我個妹,咁無骨氣?」384Please respect copyright.PENANADP0A5TSDR1
384Please respect copyright.PENANAYBOaolvCt0
林蓁不知為何,竟然哭了起來。384Please respect copyright.PENANAACAZzsflBE
384Please respect copyright.PENANAHOKcWhXIzr
「你仲喊!又唔係你畀人打!你仲要斟水畀阿爸!喊喊喊,你喊咩呀?」384Please respect copyright.PENANAF5tpXgYBzo
384Please respect copyright.PENANACmh7FHwapm
姊妹二人,一連幾日沒有說過話。起初,林蓁還厚著面皮,將自己早餐的面包及腸仔分給家姐(父親罰家姐不準食飯),但被拒絕。後來,林蓁也生氣起來,心想你不理我我也不理你,便不再主動和家姐搭話。二人其實一直也留意對方,回頭時會對視,但只有一秒,都急急移開目光。384Please respect copyright.PENANACweDaYeezn
384Please respect copyright.PENANAatjGKjvjxA
直至父親又打家姐。384Please respect copyright.PENANAn7uvmssjgt
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原因並不特別,就是家姐食飯食得慢,父親生氣,便打她。384Please respect copyright.PENANAts7W8vNyAq
384Please respect copyright.PENANAQOT9lFaPR7
家姐依然沒有說話,雖然流淚但沒有出聲。林蓁依然擁著弟弟瑟縮一角,只是,下一秒,她又想到,家姐生氣可能是因為以前她沒有出來維護家人,於是,她便鼓起勇氣,衝出來:384Please respect copyright.PENANATFGYIc44q9
384Please respect copyright.PENANADGGWW4Adwv
「阿爸唔好再打啦!家姐知錯啦!」384Please respect copyright.PENANAZ9roy3xmZm
384Please respect copyright.PENANAhpIkWdODUm
「佢知錯?咁佢唔講?」384Please respect copyright.PENANAKJafiBpg3j
384Please respect copyright.PENANAr6qhuloFZ9
「家姐真係知錯!」林蓁情不自禁地流淚起來:「你望吓!家姐喊!全面都係眼淚,佢只係唔好意思講咋嘛!」384Please respect copyright.PENANAC5XPp3M3Am
384Please respect copyright.PENANANqcfp3lUWU
「喊代表知錯咩?佢唔知有悔意喎!」384Please respect copyright.PENANAJD1NyKUV9c
384Please respect copyright.PENANAzEVj3RQn84
「真㗎真㗎!」林蓁撒謊:「上次你話完佢,佢話你講得啱㗎!」384Please respect copyright.PENANAGG4NDBPeBy
384Please respect copyright.PENANArOAx60nDfj
「我無!」家姐搖頭。384Please respect copyright.PENANAJioKd3XIop
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「你唔好口硬啦,已經好多傷啦!」384Please respect copyright.PENANA0dALJ0Q4sl
384Please respect copyright.PENANAGKi61Ky9C6
「既然你哋咁講,今日就算,以後再駁嘴就打。」384Please respect copyright.PENANAKsnwzwWn56
384Please respect copyright.PENANAK62cHL9BfH
「多謝阿爸。」384Please respect copyright.PENANAHIdq9Cgy1k
384Please respect copyright.PENANAHr4E6cbihK
家姐推了林蓁落地。384Please respect copyright.PENANAe374s0j4e4
384Please respect copyright.PENANA7CMTWMBrw2
「你做咩要咁講啊?做咪屈我啊?」384Please respect copyright.PENANAm9Py8zA0Us
384Please respect copyright.PENANACNjukcmTvn
「我唔想阿爸再打你咋。」384Please respect copyright.PENANAqS7AALZr5w
384Please respect copyright.PENANAbj2ExmjrCO
「你根本唔明,我被佢打係因為曳咩?佢想無啦啦打人咋!咁啱係我。你同佢求饒?以後佢都係會打㗎!同呢啲人講對唔住做咩?」384Please respect copyright.PENANAs5lV7hWZQ3
384Please respect copyright.PENANAoZvI9TomZf
以往家姐怎樣被父親打,眼睛紅紅,但始終沒有哭出聲來。她在內心與己戰鬥:喊出嚟就輸。384Please respect copyright.PENANAqk4I7Y0Ovy
384Please respect copyright.PENANAvhnGkKFNpl
但現在,家姐越說越委屈,竟然哭了。384Please respect copyright.PENANAaIgYH2kYHm
384Please respect copyright.PENANAslvM8gOkWz
小小林蓁不明白,以為為家姐好。多年後,她才知道,家姐覺得林蓁擅作主張的求饒,是一種背叛。384Please respect copyright.PENANAXyST4lxRhx
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384Please respect copyright.PENANAJc0zRhgkmS
隨即,她去洗澡,在黑暗中淋浴,覺得一切都很靜,視覺的減退一併萎縮其他感官。384Please respect copyright.PENANA6ZFjhARAhM
384Please respect copyright.PENANAYgqDtEnMvU
不知是否吃了藥的緣故,她比以往快入睡。384Please respect copyright.PENANACvBBFeoqUR