the Was. of Jimmy McVonson - act one; division seven: a bullet; and an 3Y3

suicidal ideation and animal cruelty

“what did you do!?”

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i threw the rifle on the ground

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“You could have killed her in one shot”

he moaned

“now she’s in pain”

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i was trying to save her.

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“we’re going to have to find her” said uncle seth

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we went looking around

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i found her in the wandering willie

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while uncle seth was still looking

somewhere else

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i didn’t call him over

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i just looked the doe in the eye

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on the dirt, bleeding

she wasn’t going to recover from what we’d done to her

and when i looked into the eye

i could see from where i was standing

i saw a feeling i recognised

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maybe it was just me

trying too hard to relate to the animal

maybe i wanted her to be me

when she wasn’t

there was no way i could see someone’s emotion

just by looking at their eyes

but that didn’t stop me from thinking

that doe was me.

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and if she was me

but someone else

what should i do?

i was the one with the gun

she was the one without

what would i want me to do in this situation?

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the eye looked back at me

quivering

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and i shot her.

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through the eye

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into the brain

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and she stopped quivering

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uncle seth looked over at me

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“oh, you found her,

“good job!”

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now that the eye was gone

i didn’t need to look into it

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the bullet didn’t come out the other side

so it was still buried somewhere in her brain

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“next time, leave the face alone”

uncle seth told me

“it’s okay this time, because you didn’t know

“but i usually don’t damage the face when i hunt pretty animals

“because then i can get it taxidermied”

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i didn’t mind taxidermy myself

(some vegans do)

but all i wanted to do that day was destroy my mirror

people would say that brings bad luck

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the doe’s other eye was unscratched

when i saw it i flinched

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i’d never properly looked at

dead

before

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and i saw than that pandora and i weren’t dead at all.

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this doe was.

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