the Was. of Jimmy McVonson - act one; division six: hUnting & f;shing p2

suicidal ideation

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i pretended to be happy

i didn’t want him to think i didn’t like him

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i packed my own lunch

as well as a few other things

from the cabin

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uncle seth shared his guns with me

camouflage patterned hunting rifles

i guessed the camouflage was

more for fashion reasons than practical reasons

it didn’t look like it was going to

blend in

very well

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uncle seth wore a camouflage bucket hat

on top of his fuzzy head

and pulled his socks up over his knees

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we hiked a long way

into the forest

and my legs started to get tired

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“i think i see a deer”

he whispered to me

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“don’t kill it!” i said

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he looked through a little telescope

attached to his rifle

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he looked for a long time

and i started to realise

he was going to be looking for a while

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i looked down at the rifle in my own hands

i couldn’t properly wrap my head around what i was holding

so dangerous

why did uncle seth trust me with this …

weapon?

he must trust me a lot

or not know me at all

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i started to realise why people keep guns

only one reason

it’s just like money

it’s for power

to protect themselves?

or other people?

from what?

it’s just to be the one with a gun

rather than the one without a gun

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i was looking down the wrong end of the rifle

it was hard to reach both ends

at the same time

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why did uncle seth have guns?

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for sport, i answered

but that didn’t mean anything to me

i never did sports

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“what are you doing?”

uncle seth was looking at me, concerned

“are you trying to kill yourself?”

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“ummm”

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“don’t tell me you’ve never hunted before”

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“i thought you were teaching me”

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“here, jimmy”

he said, holding my hands in his hands

he placed them in the right places on the rifle

then he told me where to look

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i could see the doe he was pointing me at

she couldn’t see us

but i could see her eye

she knew something was wrong

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uncle seth whispered in my ear

“pull the trigger”

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i pointed away from the doe

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like he thought i didn’t know what i was doing

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5 things i can see...

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he pointed me back at the doe

held my hand on the trigger

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4 things i can touch...

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his grip was strong

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3 things- BANG!

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but when we pulled the trigger

i pulled away

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