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The next day, Jessy doesn't show up to school all day, nor the next day. I'm worried to death for him. Also at the end of class, I will question Amy in order to obtain his address. She gives a little smile which immediately makes me think that she is going to rush to find Chad and tell him but, honestly, I don't care. At this moment, I don't care about my reputation, all that matters is this boy who has already indelibly marked my life and for whom I worry so much. I have to struggle for a little while and make up a crazy story, but in the end, I leave the school with the coordinates in my pocket. Immediately, I went to his house. He lives in an old two story house which has retained its incredible charm, despite the renovation work it has undergone. The paint, a light yellow, was redone recently. It’s just the kind of well kept house my dad likes. This thought makes me smile. A covered terrace, where a bench and two armchairs have been installed, shelters the entrance to the house. I climb the three steps and ring the bell. I don't have to wait long before the door opens for Jessy.180Please respect copyright.PENANAVhZzm6duOk
— I’m not in the mood to worry, he told me point blank.180Please respect copyright.PENANAgWQjPJXM6s
He looks tired, preoccupied. Despite his obvious bad mood, I'm happy to see him. These last two days without seeing him seemed like an eternity. His mother comes up behind him. I can only glimpse it briefly.180Please respect copyright.PENANAjVzKwmx5FJ
— It’s for me, mom, he tells her.180Please respect copyright.PENANAqubVCXRpLA
Understanding that he doesn't want to talk to me in front of her, I decide to play on it and, leaning towards him, I whisper to him : 180Please respect copyright.PENANAW9lvQCB01f
— I'll stay until we've talked, and it's too bad if your mother asks me what I want.180Please respect copyright.PENANA6nPCRCrFHU
His green eyes stare at me, trying to see if I'm bluffing or not, finally, he gives in.180Please respect copyright.PENANAtn4Ai3O9wz
— Very well, I’m coming.180Please respect copyright.PENANA5kUJwK1IcQ
He grabs a denim jacket before following me down the street.180Please respect copyright.PENANAeIZwdbKjNp
We walk aimlessly, following the roads that pass before us in complete silence. I don't know how to start the discussion, I'm afraid of offending him, or of upsetting him if I question him too much.180Please respect copyright.PENANA8nM6UlknnQ
— So ? You wanted to talk to me, go ahead ! He says in a bad mood, as we arrive near an abandoned factory.180Please respect copyright.PENANANVgSKqJxUb
Intimidated, as always by his presence at my side, I take it upon myself to get started : 180Please respect copyright.PENANAtFFwDak2jT
— You haven't come to school for the last two days...180Please respect copyright.PENANAiwx5am9VIw
— Oh yes, you noticed, well done ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAUfM7FCUDyY
— Don’t be sarcastic, please. But you let me down for the presentation ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANA7KMbuEdg6G
— Oh, and you probably want an apology ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANARJUbDr57ZT
— No, I don't care about this duty.180Please respect copyright.PENANAUYftSFGAJF
I use a calm tone so as not to annoy him further.180Please respect copyright.PENANA8TIdjfq6Cb
— Why did you come to see me ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAfdv5wYvkRY
He stops walking.180Please respect copyright.PENANAR0Be7YH6Hq
— I was worried about you.180Please respect copyright.PENANAeG47REzOSN
— Well then ! Instead, admit that you want details so you can tell your friends everything afterwards ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAzTBSX6gdGG
— I don't plan to tell anyone about it.180Please respect copyright.PENANAsFr3rJjNUh
He examines me for a long moment, seeming to search deep in my eyes if he can trust me.180Please respect copyright.PENANAbHYq8WPerF
— How long have you been HIV positive ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANA4Rrv0M3YWD
— It's been about a year now.180Please respect copyright.PENANAgBImpsdVzl
— And how did you catch it ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAAe5DrEySt5
— One evening at a friend’s party, I met a girl…180Please respect copyright.PENANAfaTTGKRJCS
— And you slept together ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANA4o5AySqQCV
— No, we watched cartoons ! He said, really angry.180Please respect copyright.PENANAjYUXuzCM0M
— She didn’t tell you she was HIV positive ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANA00qPPGzQtx
— She didn't know at the time... A doctor called my mother a few weeks later, Haley had taken a test which came back positive. She had informed the doctor that I was one of her partners. I had to go get tested myself and that’s how I learned that she infected me.180Please respect copyright.PENANATibkcHjbz6
— Just for one night you spent together.180Please respect copyright.PENANARJ05njrhcR
I whisper this sentence as if to myself.180Please respect copyright.PENANAzh9d76oC7J
— Not one night, just a short moment and a lack of condom and this is the result. A word of advice Meg : When you decide to do it with Chad, don't forget the condom otherwise you'll end up like me, a walking corpse ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAGLzvB9a9sM
— Jessy, stop saying that ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAk54nKNyxcV
— For what ? It's the truth ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANALFvR1xa70E
— No, you are in good health, it doesn't even look like you have this virus so you have to be optimistic.180Please respect copyright.PENANALnpq5LRf19
— As if that could cure me ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAULngV2grJE
— Yes, it can help you hold on until the doctors find a cure.180Please respect copyright.PENANAIqadulvmYH
I spoke more firmly than I wanted. Jessy looks at me, surprised.180Please respect copyright.PENANAMBqbL9Hqy9
— You're right, you have to be positive and enjoy life, right ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAkruFgOzsDI
Suddenly his gaze changes, it becomes darker. He approaches me and takes me by the waist, holding me tightly against his body. I pull away from him immediately, not out of fear of illness, but as I would with any boy who did it this way.180Please respect copyright.PENANAuNXwCDzYcG
— Hey, weird ! You don't want to kiss me anymore ! This surprises me greatly ! Go find your fantastic and healthy boyfriend and leave me alone ! he shouts as he walks away.180Please respect copyright.PENANA7ANVh4iSLF
— Jessy, you’re wrong, that’s not it ! Come back ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANA3o8pVW6fB1
My words are lost in the silence.180Please respect copyright.PENANAvsMyq6XMyr
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The next morning before classes, which start later today, and where Jessy will certainly still be conspicuous by his absence, I am sitting in a corner of the snack bar. It’s a café where all the young people from high school like to meet for a drink, listen to music and chat. The room is quite large, with its light green imitation leather benches, its silver metal tables and its fifties decoration all in pink and blue. I found Chad there, who is having fun around a pinball machine with his friends a little further away, while I read Jessy's book. In fact, this is the third time I've devoured it since he lent it to me. The story of this man who fights alone against everyone to obtain his freedom after having been condemned in advance by public opinion now takes on a whole new meaning for me. Between these lines, it is Jessy’s life that I see. I can't stop thinking about him, and it drives me crazy. I'm dating Chad, I like Chad. So why do I only think about Jessy's lips on mine ? Why am I so worried about him ? How come I miss him so much ? I have already gone several days without seeing Chad, when he went on vacation with his parents, without ever feeling this emptiness in the pit of my heart. Yet I am in love with him.180Please respect copyright.PENANAyBWe6oH85s
Do I like Chad ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAQA8QlARMkN
Ah, I'm going to go crazy if this continues ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANA8BiVBqOkeS
I raise my head and look at him, he looks at me and gives me a smile that I have trouble responding to, before he turns his attention back to his friends.180Please respect copyright.PENANA4bQDa2ghxv
Why don't I feel anything when I look at it ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAastrX8g5SH
Putting my thoughts aside, I carefully dive back into my reading when Amy approaches me. That day, more than ever, I had no desire to talk to him. As I expected, she reported my comments to Chad and, as always, I had to justify myself. Luckily we have this talk to give, it gave me the perfect excuse.180Please respect copyright.PENANAWEKzTpf9gV
Amy lifts the cover of my book and whispers : 180Please respect copyright.PENANAdL9obgngX9
— Put down that book ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAyxjC25YEGK
— It’s a great book ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAvzI6qewmRq
— I will never understand how you could want to read outside of class, there are so many things180Please respect copyright.PENANApqQQ240Bil
much more exciting to do…180Please respect copyright.PENANAD1eHyHsQ99
— Excuse me…180Please respect copyright.PENANA8fI6KA5XEU
I get up quickly after seeing Jessy passing in the street.180Please respect copyright.PENANACQQu5EgQPk
Hurriedly, I leave the café.180Please respect copyright.PENANAljAqxqfssI
— Jessy ! Wait for me ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAGPSlkwftJc
As usual, he hears me, but continues on his way.180Please respect copyright.PENANAKbSVaqjsdP
— I have your book ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAEPGicHMjKU
This time, I manage to catch his attention, he stops on the sidewalk.180Please respect copyright.PENANAEbrVrOVKuB
— What do you want from me ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAJ9D1Xqo0bx
— I just wanted to give that back to you.180Please respect copyright.PENANAqDXCviWeCd
I hand him his paperback, staring at him, my heart rate increasing.180Please respect copyright.PENANAG87cwrMiCF
— And then, I wanted us to talk.180Please respect copyright.PENANA9do25JDXQW
— I think we said everything. You should go back to your boyfriend.180Please respect copyright.PENANAsh7yGjREq9
— I don’t want to talk with Chad, but with you.180Please respect copyright.PENANAQ0Uo7hLxsA
— Thank you, that’s a pleasure, says a familiar voice behind me, making me jump.180Please respect copyright.PENANAeIQTJ84D5A
I quickly turn around to see my boyfriend.180Please respect copyright.PENANAtpPti4VUgs
— It's not what you think. But I need to talk to Jessy.180Please respect copyright.PENANAA94upho5JM
— We have nothing to say to each other, he repeats.180Please respect copyright.PENANAE2HxbZvKXc
— Glad to hear you say that ! Stop hovering over my girlfriend ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAM8RwE4mYKh
— Hey, I’m here, Chad ! You don't have to speak on my behalf and even less tell me who I can talk to or not ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAKKabejHYLO
— There, I agree with you, replies Jessy.180Please respect copyright.PENANAD6dvwVF5Jk
— We didn't ask you anything ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAN0AYomGk7T
— Leave him alone ! It’s me who wants to talk to him ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAAyGDsVFkSo
— Are we having a threesome now ? Chad angrily grabs my arm.180Please respect copyright.PENANAIIuhdyzxBg
He squeezes it tightly and takes me with him towards the snack bar.180Please respect copyright.PENANAIXjBB1XQkH
— Let me go, I demand, trying to get out of his grip. You're ridiculous ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAPFO6SkTpCU
Chad tightens his grip further.180Please respect copyright.PENANA4SlycEKnx3
— I just want to talk to you.180Please respect copyright.PENANA8xoBBLaWZp
— So let go of me, you’re hurting me ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAqEZ358bydE
— Let her go ! Jessy demands, interposing.180Please respect copyright.PENANAVBXCNlAy7r
— Don't get involved ! My boyfriend shouts, finally releasing my sore arm before pushing Jessy along the wall of the establishment.180Please respect copyright.PENANA6VyhLV93cW
— Don’t hit me, Jessy warned.180Please respect copyright.PENANABZeRCi8suc
— Ah, Monsieur gives more orders, says Chad angrily, putting his fist in the young man's stomach.180Please respect copyright.PENANAKtrFuvFvGi
In shock, Jessy doubles over, dropping his book.180Please respect copyright.PENANAzG4lJig3WH
— Chad, stop ! I scream in the middle of the street.180Please respect copyright.PENANAukim8Yt7AK
Jessy, still hunched over, rushes at Chad and knocks him to the ground. He finds himself straddling him, trying to keep him on the ground while asking him to calm down. But you don't know Chad very well to think that he's going to let himself be controlled so easily. Soon they are rolling on the sidewalk, almost falling onto the road. Chad finds himself on top of Jessy and punches him in the stomach again. Then he stands up, waiting for Jessy to get up. When he gets back to his feet, he spreads his hands in a sign of appeasement, but Chad rushes at him again and hits him in the cheek.180Please respect copyright.PENANAzNj95xq9aV
— Chad ! Leave him ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAVdp6qgZgr8
Jessy picks up his book and walks away, but Chad comes at him again and hits him in the back. Jessy falls to his knees as Chad walks around to face him and grabs him by the collar of his T-shirt.180Please respect copyright.PENANAUPEeQNW9OY
No matter how much I beg him, Chad doesn't listen to me. I am about to betray my promise when, fortunately, two police officers intervene to separate them, surrounding them.180Please respect copyright.PENANAR8xknaOADp
Jessy immediately regains his calm while Chad continues to struggle in order to continue the fight.180Please respect copyright.PENANAFOUJh2OHI1
— What is happening here ? Asks the officer holding Jessy.180Please respect copyright.PENANARgQwKwGr68
— This guy is hitting on my girlfriend, Chad shouts, still annoyed.180Please respect copyright.PENANAvOq5gy6oT8
— Anything ! I shout angrily. Jessy is a friend and there’s no way you’re going to forbid me from talking to him ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAUuZnjjebua
My boyfriend stares at me in astonishment while I think I see recognition in Jessy's eyes. This has the gift of calming Chad who lets his arms fall while blowing.180Please respect copyright.PENANAXGeaveBZ6x
— Can we let go of you ? Asks the second police officer.180Please respect copyright.PENANACK251qvDJs
Both boys nodded weakly.180Please respect copyright.PENANAhSPF5DE0Zd
— It’s not over yet, Chad says, staring at Jessy, before heading back to the snack bar.180Please respect copyright.PENANAiB67bVlxll
— It'll be OK ? Asks the other agent. He hurt you, do you want to go to the hospital ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAvWdhvtV49Z
Jessy's complexion suddenly turned pale.180Please respect copyright.PENANAU7ZroLmgCw
— No, it’s okay.180Please respect copyright.PENANAqCmlCDDB63
— I’ll take care of him, I intervene, moving closer to him.180Please respect copyright.PENANAUkxEdlFXlM
With a knowing look, the two police officers walk away.180Please respect copyright.PENANAjogF9cH5bD
— Thank you, Jessy sighs.180Please respect copyright.PENANAf9XNiAcpki
— You seemed panicked at the idea of going to the hospital.180Please respect copyright.PENANABgZZVjxthO
— Yeah, I'm not a big fan of it. I've already just left my doctor's office, I'm not going to spend the rest of my day on a stretcher.180Please respect copyright.PENANAiDBuxrmIx7
I pick up his book and give it back to him.180Please respect copyright.PENANAgNfmJtu8dR
— Do you want to talk now ? I ask.180Please respect copyright.PENANAWCgpx3bKTC
Jessy purses his lips.180Please respect copyright.PENANAyomIGHCsdW
— You never give up ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAMzBpVqn9vk
— It depends on the subject but when it’s something important to me, no, I never give up.180Please respect copyright.PENANAK5Bcv3CkyM
Jessy seems touched by my words, he lowers his head and nods, pursing his lips.180Please respect copyright.PENANAW5pBnBboQ0
Without even asking him if he plans to go to class this morning, we head towards his house.180Please respect copyright.PENANAPfvun9QvKb
— Did you like the book ? He finally asked after a long silence.180Please respect copyright.PENANAWs9RSfC3pw
— I devoured it ! I'll have to buy a copy.180Please respect copyright.PENANA9oyNl92h41
His smile is radiant when he tells me : 180Please respect copyright.PENANAQu2Z1CIxtW
— I'm glad you liked it. You're the first person I've told about this.180Please respect copyright.PENANAYJK58efJyB
I take advantage of this confidence to try to learn more.180Please respect copyright.PENANAdwyvyBcPdS
— You told me you went to the doctor, are you okay ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAaucZ8pJCHO
— My doctor told me that apart from being HIV positive, I am in great shape. She will do regular blood tests to monitor how the virus is progressing and has also encouraged me to join a support group of people who have the same problem as me, he tells me as he stops walking.180Please respect copyright.PENANAqEPg6N64A8
I meditate on his words for a few seconds, I know how important the subject is and I definitely don't want to focus on it.180Please respect copyright.PENANAKw7Abqy5u5
— I think you should try going to one of these meetings. After all, what are you risking ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAUdf0HpOnZP
He raises his face to the sky and observes a cloud which moves slowly, pushed by a light wind.180Please respect copyright.PENANAx0NBFcLZVG
— Maybe you're right.180Please respect copyright.PENANAxvL5XiI7Ki
Satisfied with his answer, I leave him in front of his house. As I head back home, I'm torn between the pleasure of being closer to Jessy and the anger that overcomes me when I think of Chad. I know this situation has gone on for too long.180Please respect copyright.PENANAmydViNjmzU
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I had barely crossed the threshold of my house when my mother told me that Chad was waiting for me in the garden.180Please respect copyright.PENANAvA1tj2aS9G
— Neither of you have been to class and Chad looks upset, she said. What's going on, Megan ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAnehZvMUf6L
— I'm sorry, mom. I should have warned you. Chad and Jessy fought before we went to high school. Chad crossed the line, Jessy is hurt, and believe me, he really didn't need this.180Please respect copyright.PENANAZa0N375RdP
My mother examines me carefully. I'm not going to lie, along the way I thought about how events unfolded and the more I think about it, the more my anger grows.180Please respect copyright.PENANAgZDaNwsDBH
— And this fight happened because of how you feel about Jessy ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAjOTA69hbEn
I agree, nodding my head.180Please respect copyright.PENANAq02e3JEy6g
— Now, do you know what you are doing ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAph5OLFJ6vS
— Yes, even if it is painful, I can no longer hide my face.180Please respect copyright.PENANAp3eQl08qUc
My mother gives a little knowing smile.180Please respect copyright.PENANAPpn3rOUdun
— GOOD. I don't like it when you skip school, but this time, I'm giving up. You will go to class this afternoon. In the meantime, go and sort this situation out. Good luck.180Please respect copyright.PENANArZ7P9pua1b
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Chad is pacing around the yard when I open the back door of the house to join him.180Please respect copyright.PENANADXR8HbkKXf
— Finally you're here ! Were you with him ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAv4EzSYQS73
The tone of his voice is icy. If he thinks I'm going to let him talk to me like that, he's sorely mistaken.180Please respect copyright.PENANA3pV9SrKs5k
— Remind me, when did we get married ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAcjkiDUeJe5
— Pardon ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAKZ9ORf6yWQ
— No, because the reason you're acting like an incredible asshole is because we've been married for years and you think I'm your property, right ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANA2Jw6zR7YXx
Chad puts his hand to his forehead and bursts out into mirthless laughter.180Please respect copyright.PENANAv5i3WL2UYE
— I should have known you were going to take his side. Damn, Meg, you don't realize this guy is manipulating you to separate us ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAsMj0L5VeMV
If until now I had managed to keep calm, his words made me lose all control.180Please respect copyright.PENANAAugRCYrCkK
— But you are completely delusional ! I'm not your thing, I'm free to do what I want ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAK3i4shn0iW
— Like sleeping with him ! ? He writes to himself, clenching his fists.180Please respect copyright.PENANAgWkHePn4v9
— I'm not going out with him ! I scream. And I'm not going out with you anymore ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANABPYF36wuUz
In shock, he takes two steps back.180Please respect copyright.PENANAwfiz8pvIv3
— What ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAwyqAyABh7l
— You understood me very well. It's over Chad.180Please respect copyright.PENANAbCHN6WKtS9
— He succeeded then ? He wanted to separate us and you become his accomplice.180Please respect copyright.PENANAedJjzMPSi9
This time it’s me who’s in shock. Where did he get such an idea ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANA2WxFeY0QDA
— No, but do you hear yourself ? I'm talking to you about us, not Jessy. He never even suggested that I break up with you, even after you hit him earlier.180Please respect copyright.PENANAjTCwnL0KRY
— You're not going to make me believe that it's enough for you to realize that you don't love me anymore.180Please respect copyright.PENANAt5gHG2Fknf
— Since we have been together, I have asked myself a lot of questions, I admit, going to sit down on a chair in the garden furniture. We have nothing in common. I know that I annoy you when I talk to you about literature and you annoy me when I try to share a moment with you and you are so captivated by a match on TV that you don't care.180Please respect copyright.PENANAkmG7Khqdff
Chad opens his mouth to respond but remains silent.180Please respect copyright.PENANAY4eDcrosac
— You know I’m right, I insist calmly. You and I have known each other since we were kids, we have always been friends and I think we should have stayed that way.180Please respect copyright.PENANAKQ1rTfv0T7
He takes a deep breath as his eyes water.180Please respect copyright.PENANAvBhzur7QxG
— So you don’t love me anymore ? he whispers.180Please respect copyright.PENANAYmato3lTP4
— Yes I love you but, contrary to what I thought, I realized that I am not in love with you. I love you as a friend, not as the man of my life.180Please respect copyright.PENANAoHLCFddG2Z
— And did you realize how you felt, before or after falling in love with Jessy ? He get angry again. It’s not over Meg ! I'm sure this guy is hiding something and trust me I'll find out what it is ! You will come back to me Meg ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANA71lzard35O
— Chad ! Chad ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAKTqvQIQlpA
But it's too late, he's already slammed the door behind him.180Please respect copyright.PENANAEG3BP11NTH
I feel relieved to finally have been able to put into words what had bothered me since the beginning of our story, but I am also worried at the thought of Chad discovering Jessy's secret. I hope his threats are out of anger and that after he calms down he will realize their stupidity.180Please respect copyright.PENANAIuep9UHUD6
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In the afternoon, I head back to school and smile as soon as I see Jessy arriving in the main hallway.180Please respect copyright.PENANAiNMA9qeZv7
— You’ve decided to come back, I comment.180Please respect copyright.PENANAT0Uhk6R8Ie
— Yeah, I don’t want Chad to think he’s got the upper hand on me, he replies as we walk down the hall towards our class.180Please respect copyright.PENANAwdv7j2njFL
— Good choice. But I need to talk to you.180Please respect copyright.PENANADjW0OFVuQG
Without waiting, I pull him by his jacket away from the crowd of students and lead him into a corner near the boys' bathroom. I don't want anyone to hear our exchange.180Please respect copyright.PENANAfJxKBUQbxd
— What is happening ? He asks me, frowning.180Please respect copyright.PENANAYSBReqEH2x
— Chad was at my house when I got home.180Please respect copyright.PENANArJlEAc380d
— Okay, he says slowly.180Please respect copyright.PENANAhRbPXGUJ2q
— I broke up with him, I admit abruptly.180Please respect copyright.PENANAg9dJAqHTX2
His already piercing gaze locks on mine and never lets go. I wish I could drown in it but I only have a short time before the bell rings.180Please respect copyright.PENANATHnq2U0BLL
— He is very angry with you. He thinks you made me dump him.180Please respect copyright.PENANACioSemwFtX
— I have never done that ! He writes to himself, shocked.180Please respect copyright.PENANAtBvqRAmhu2
— I know that perfectly, but I think he's looking for someone to blame for our breakup, when there's no one to blame. We're not meant for each other, that's all. Anyway, he told me you're hiding something and he's going to find out what it is. So be careful, okay ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAZ4XSJblwYS
— Yeah.180Please respect copyright.PENANAqNZFzVgrWu
He leans against the wall behind him and whispers, with tears in his eyes : 180Please respect copyright.PENANALwJurwpxJD
— I don't want it to start again like in my old school, I couldn't stand it.180Please respect copyright.PENANAAkED9l6bef
Seeing him abandon his armor in favor of sincerity upsets me beyond words. In these moments of fragility, I meet the real Jessy, not the one who takes a cold attitude to send me away but the sensitive boy who has suffered too much.180Please respect copyright.PENANA9NfqQ3CLZO
— That won’t happen, I reassure him. You are not alone here, I am your friend, I will always be here no matter what happens.180Please respect copyright.PENANAWzkpx1MUCw
— Thanks Meg. I thought about what you told me earlier, about the support group for HIV— positive people. I called my doctor to ask for the contact details of the center.180Please respect copyright.PENANAX73V7GGPtQ
— Great, I smile. It will help you to talk with people who have the same virus as you, you will certainly be able to help each other.180Please respect copyright.PENANARNIYyCUY9Q
— I don’t really believe it, but I’m going to try to go to a meeting, he said, resuming a distant attitude. So maybe you'll let go of me a little ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAEwmGu6IeAU
The bell which announces the resumption of classes interrupts our discussion.180Please respect copyright.PENANAAopgFOClZT
— Here, I said, handing him my notes. That way you'll be up to date on math.180Please respect copyright.PENANAbfEzaJ7VRS
— Thanks Megan. Sometimes it’s good to have you in my life ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAP1tK3RErpk
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The last bell announcing the end of the day has barely sounded before a rumor invades the establishment. I'm putting my things in my locker when I hear whispers about Jessy. I turn to him who is standing a little further away in front of his locker. He lowers his head, shoulders hunched and lips pursed.180Please respect copyright.PENANAYs8j8RRpyh
Around us, the students murmur among themselves, stunned. At the time, AIDS was still a little— known disease; we were only in the early stages of medical research. There are lots of rumors about how and why this disease spreads, but the truth is that people still know very little about it. The only things we know for sure are that AIDS is scary and deadly. All eyes are fixed on Jessy, those who pass behind him move aside to make sure not to touch him.180Please respect copyright.PENANAhE2tMQismY
A student I vaguely know passes in front of me, I intercept him to ask him what this new rumor is.180Please respect copyright.PENANATDXkduM1SF
— You are not aware ? Jessy Sutter, the new student, he has AIDS and what's more, he's homosexual ! He announces to me proudly. Above all, don't go near him, you never know.180Please respect copyright.PENANA9OEPZ27Qmh
I don't have time to send him away, he's already moved away.180Please respect copyright.PENANAXbKQTiYUN3
I look at Jessy again. He raises his head, fixes me with a burning look of anger before leaving the school as quickly as possible.180Please respect copyright.PENANAmeUZZORGM4
I do not understand anything. How can everyone know ? One thing is certain, given Jessy's fury, he thinks I betrayed him.180Please respect copyright.PENANAHlKaIwee9y
I rush after him but when I get outside, he has already disappeared.180Please respect copyright.PENANAEpntKMDrWs
180Please respect copyright.PENANALCHlHsfvmt
180Please respect copyright.PENANARhQIZoYWr7
After looking for Jessy all over town for what seemed like hours, imagining him alone, depressed, I gathered up my courage and went to his house. The door opens to reveal his mother.180Please respect copyright.PENANALJA7kmac4u
— Hello, she greets me kindly.180Please respect copyright.PENANAMK93DceY5H
From the first glance, I feel that she is an understanding woman. Her long blond hair and green eyes identical to those of her son reflect the gentleness that I also detect in Jessy.180Please respect copyright.PENANAiw0eIWoCrt
— Good morning. Is Jessy there ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANA6oa3Zgj2Sk
— No. You're Megan, right ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANABs1NzSMP6R
I nod in agreement.180Please respect copyright.PENANAqChrd0KYi5
— Jessy told me about you.180Please respect copyright.PENANAX0OwjfcrbQ
— I've been looking for him everywhere since school ended, hasn't he come back ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANA3bdfYEYD6Y
— No, I have not seen it. He must be walking somewhere now that everyone knows Jessy is infected.180Please respect copyright.PENANAU2g7jpaeRw
I look at her, surprised that she was able to guess, she continues : 180Please respect copyright.PENANA0LEnEdS4dk
— I received a call from the school. Apparently, parents of students learned of the rumor and immediately reported it to the school administration. I am called this evening to talk about my son's state of health and to see if he can continue his education in this establishment.180Please respect copyright.PENANAE5SzUntBa6
— My God, this is nonsense ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANA8TUKRZj8Bv
— Unfortunately that's what happens when people know Jessy has AIDS. Everywhere he goes, he is rejected. This has happened before in Allentown, and it's happening again here. Everyone is afraid of being contaminated by simple contact, even my husband can't stand living under the same roof as him.180Please respect copyright.PENANARmKkwbuydo
Mrs. Sutter shakes her head as if her thoughts could evaporate with that gesture.180Please respect copyright.PENANArSIyAOnd7q
— It is so unfair. I need to talk to him. Contrary to what he thinks, I did not betray him. I don't know how his secret was revealed. You don't know where he might be ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAZSsmdU8NIx
— He sometimes leaves alone for hours.180Please respect copyright.PENANArXiorpdYhh
— You are never afraid that he…180Please respect copyright.PENANAHAs8W79BfL
Mrs. Sutter looks at me as if to say, “Would that be worse than what awaits him ?”180Please respect copyright.PENANAfY0Ome4LWz
I thank her and go home, totally dejected. Not only do all students now have to know about Jessy's condition, but even the administration is threatening not to keep him.180Please respect copyright.PENANAxlJVzqWhEq
When I walk through the door of my house, night begins to fall. I hear my parents talking.180Please respect copyright.PENANALK2vAonikw
— Meg, it’s you ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAjxn4OgoDmr
— Yes Dad.180Please respect copyright.PENANAYCiTZtDe9p
— Can you come ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANApl1I7gq7Cw
I walk down the hallway and into the kitchen, where my parents are sitting around the table.180Please respect copyright.PENANAMnGBo1Sz8x
— Nina told us what is being said around town about Jessy. Is it true ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAF69XnfKD7I
I nod silently.180Please respect copyright.PENANA9F6dnhPfHs
— How long have you known that ? Ask my mother.180Please respect copyright.PENANAj0Qqr8BSMk
— Since the other evening, when he stayed to eat. He admitted it to me when I took him home.180Please respect copyright.PENANAGe5wGSKccn
— You could have told us about it ! My father points out.180Please respect copyright.PENANA6EuJavXjPo
— I told him I wouldn't tell anyone. I didn't want to break my word...180Please respect copyright.PENANAorWKMWZ38r
— Then how…180Please respect copyright.PENANA8XI1nR07Qd
— You can believe me mom, I keep asking myself that question. I only see one answer : Chad. This afternoon, he was very upset with Jessy and promised to find his secret. However, I don't know how he found out about it.180Please respect copyright.PENANAhWD0L2eJRU
— Is it true that Chad fought with Jessy because you wanted to talk to him ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANABx6GtOhu87
I nod.180Please respect copyright.PENANA5jKsjTHa2r
— Chad wanted to force me into the snack bar, Jessy intervened to defend me.180Please respect copyright.PENANApfYsSkbu0W
My response makes my father clench his fists and he says : 180Please respect copyright.PENANAxbCSp3gTSf
— He loses nothing by knowing what I think of his way of fighting like that and the rest.180Please respect copyright.PENANADJLAc9sbaa
— Are you aware that Mrs. Sutter has been summoned to high school ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAaSjHAFxBww
In front of my parents' questioning looks, I tell them the words of Jessy's mother.180Please respect copyright.PENANAKroz2cHq9s
My mother makes a few phone calls and tells us : 180Please respect copyright.PENANAywjZ2NLlrv
— The parents’ council is meeting this evening with the administration. Officially, they can't fire Jessy because he's sick, but they can send a report to the academy who will judge what to do in such a circumstance.180Please respect copyright.PENANAg6LjrcXZQS
Seeing my dismayed face, my father said to me : 180Please respect copyright.PENANAUwHeFHq0yx
— Don’t worry, darling. We will go to this meeting and we will support Ms. Sutter. It will be fine.180Please respect copyright.PENANA64QlexO1ZR
Less convinced than my father, I go into the garden and sit on the swing. Alone with my thoughts, I realize that I have suddenly aged. Before I met Jessy, I was a carefree kid with few worries, but now I see life differently. And to think that it’s only been ten days since Chad’s party. I wanted to become an adult, I'm served ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAymCzxbC58f
Jessie, where are you ? I sigh, mulling over the latest events. I don't hear Nina open the back door.180Please respect copyright.PENANARk3VnyAnqt
— I was wondering where you were, she says, making me jump. The parents are out, Chad is there. He wants to see you.180Please respect copyright.PENANAo6ShDD8elV
I sigh again. After what happened this afternoon, I still don't want to talk to him. But he doesn't wait to hear my opinion before following my sister who, feeling the storm brewing in the sky as much as with my ex-boyfriend, slips away.180Please respect copyright.PENANAcdXz0FCIGg
— I came to apologize for my behavior this morning. If I had known Jessy was gay, I wouldn't have been jealous of you talking to him.180Please respect copyright.PENANAw6fkYokwkY
I huff, exasperated. Chad looks at me, I see the incomprehension on his face.180Please respect copyright.PENANA8pHidj2ikF
— He is not homosexual. It was a girl who infected him ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAcjx8LD0p3x
— Sorry, but how could I have known ? You don't tell me anything anymore ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANA62GUOxxzzK
— Sorry, but when someone tells me a secret, I do my best to keep it. Were you the one who revealed Jessy's illness to everyone ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAdtofhXdNhR
His false innocent appearance betrays him even before he confesses. I think I see a little boy having done something stupid with his hands in his pants pockets, squirming for words. Even when we were children, he behaved this way. His attitude makes my anger explode.180Please respect copyright.PENANAUPL1gJD9oj
— It's about time you grew up, Chad ! You are so immature at times ! Do you realize that now everyone knows about their state of health ? That he might be kicked out of school ? That you're ruining his life ? But no, you don’t care as long as you make him pay for my breakup ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANA11jg0Rcv4o
Annoyed, he lowers his head. This attitude annoys me even more.180Please respect copyright.PENANACbbzUCtKM1
— I know, I screwed up. But if you had told me everything...180Please respect copyright.PENANAE0TzBu8iyx
I give him a murderous look. He's old enough to know how to behave.180Please respect copyright.PENANAgE9dIIrWeP
— Don’t ever ask me why I broke up with you again ! If you want to have an answer, look at yourself in the mirror... That is, if you can ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANA4jUDCApQyD
— You don't even realize that since he arrived in town, you have completely ignored me ! Chad gets angry in turn.180Please respect copyright.PENANAHKuRKDpUDV
— It’s nothing to do with it ! I'm the guilty one, the one who understood that we are too different. Jessy had nothing to do with our relationship ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANA7qPqhsJjlK
— I know, he whispers. I heard him say it this afternoon.180Please respect copyright.PENANA8mp41ExcOd
My eyes must be as round as saucers because Chad continues : 180Please respect copyright.PENANA4RhDfkVRhy
— I was behind the bathroom door when you were talking. I heard your conversation, that’s how I knew.180Please respect copyright.PENANAUDxyDdXR8c
— Oh my God ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAeyXdzBhG4S
With tears in my eyes, I place my hands over my mouth.180Please respect copyright.PENANAMHsAypdv9l
— I’m sorry Meg. I didn't want things to go this far.180Please respect copyright.PENANA3AdDc7SnV8
— And you rushed to repeat it to the whole school ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAnHvGsDhsqa
— I only told a few friends but it spread quickly. I really blame myself.180Please respect copyright.PENANAHbK1LOuOmT
My eyes filled with tears, I whisper : 180Please respect copyright.PENANANKQQsQEgwm
— You can.180Please respect copyright.PENANAgEhbuIz2kM
— You’ll never want me again after this, will you ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAFNlpAFt3zC
I shake my head.180Please respect copyright.PENANAL5rU9qTt7H
— You disappointed me a lot, Chad. You are still my friend but I no longer trust you. I'm sorry.180Please respect copyright.PENANAlSvB4r77hY
— You don’t have to be, it’s my fault. I went way too far. The role of the jealous boyfriend doesn't work for me, he smiles sadly. Do you want us to remain friends ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAHl2LQhWtwJ
I nod in agreement. I know that after digesting these events, I will forgive him. I can't not have him in my life, he's been part of it for too long.180Please respect copyright.PENANAMbUPN9xSc1
Chad is about to enter the house again when, turning around, he says to me : 180Please respect copyright.PENANAHQ6GwIjfEi
— By the way, if you're looking for Jessy, it seems he hangs out near the bridge over the highway.180Please respect copyright.PENANAi5MaeHefTl
As soon as Chad leaves, I put on my black parka and head in the direction he told me. Night has now fallen, the air is heavy, the storm threatens to break out at any moment. I hurry the three kilometers, running half the way. I arrive on the bridge, out of breath, but happy to see Jessy there. It is a narrow bridge, reserved for pedestrians, it allows us to reach a corner of the forest which encircles the city. Jessy paces along the steel guardrail, watching the cars and trucks speeding by on the dual carriageway just below. His face is half lit by the streetlights placed all along the highway. He turns to me as I approach.180Please respect copyright.PENANAnoBXDzS3BJ
— What are you doing here ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAkeT3kNL9x0
His tone is dry.180Please respect copyright.PENANA00AI3GiakW
— I've been looking for you for hours.180Please respect copyright.PENANAPDJPM7QNTl
— Well, you found me. You see, I'm still alive, you can go back now.180Please respect copyright.PENANAYcHSZGen8z
— I'm sorry for what happened. I discussed it with Chad, he was the one who spread the rumor.180Please respect copyright.PENANA4Jpbeg1YR5
— So you came so that I could forgive him ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAjjPSG7ijlQ
I look at him, incredulous; However, I have to admit that he is not entirely wrong. I wish we could all be friends, but I know that is a utopian vision of our friendship. However, even if she is often embarrassing for his interlocutors, I like Jessy's frankness.180Please respect copyright.PENANAZcPZvym5U8
— I came because I'm afraid for you. It's late, come home with me.180Please respect copyright.PENANANBdj6nxCKq
Jessy looks at me with a disillusioned look but doesn't answer. He starts walking along the railing again, moving away from me. He seems hypnotized by the vehicles passing beneath our feet.180Please respect copyright.PENANA4wvSpRlvMg
— Ever since I’ve known you, you’ve spent your time moving away. Why are you running away from everyone ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAkSXglFq46m
I shout to cover the sound of a heavy truck passing below.180Please respect copyright.PENANASHXyVWFc04
Suddenly a lightning bolt tears through the sky. Jessy turns around angrily.180Please respect copyright.PENANAb3ez3q6KUO
— I'm not running away from anyone ! It's the others who never want me ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAbghxFi9Ndh
He sits on the railing which is only a few centimeters wide, passes his legs over the air, wraps them around the metal bars. A new flash of lightning illuminates the sky. Despite the heaviness of the night, I tremble and move closer to him to hold him by the back of his jacket.180Please respect copyright.PENANAiC48oI6SdJ
— Jessy, please. Come back ! You're scaring me ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANA4E5OyfXv8b
— I'm a danger to others, Meg ! I'm just on reprieve from this crap ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAahRnb9oz61
The tone of his voice is no longer charged with anger, but full of despair. It squeezes my heart.180Please respect copyright.PENANA12tgU0fWqA
— No ! You are not a risk to anyone ! And you are still here, alive and well ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANABkR7mJqVZt
Thunder suddenly cracks, startling me. I move closer to him and tighten my grip.180Please respect copyright.PENANA2oNB0qGquw
— Do you want to know what brought me here ? He says to me, letting go of the railing with his hands.180Please respect copyright.PENANAT7XWdRjf1T
He opens his arms wide, closes his eyes and falls forward, screaming in rage. Despite my efforts to hold him, his leather jacket slips through my fingers and I let go.180Please respect copyright.PENANAkA933IINa7
— Jessy, no ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANA7Vy6Km8vAX
I scream as loud as I can as I see him fall into the void.180Please respect copyright.PENANAabhjkmofhN
I put my hands to my mouth while closing my eyes, not daring to open them because I am so sure that he has thrown himself under the wheels of the vehicles passing underneath. And then I suddenly realize that I care about him much more than I wanted to admit to myself until now. Yes, he's HIV positive, angry at the whole world and he spends a lot of time telling me off and yet, without knowing why yet, I can't help but think about him every minute. Suddenly, I hear him scream again at the same time as thunder cracks near us. I slowly open my eyes to see him hanging by his legs above the void. With a quick movement, he manages to stand up, then sit down again on the railing before coming back to my side. I admire his flexibility as I breathe with relief. He rushes straight towards me angrily.180Please respect copyright.PENANAFawYK9LflI
— I'm going to die, Meg, my life expectancy is so low that it's not worth living ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAhRcYM7RytI
His voice is thick with anger and despair.180Please respect copyright.PENANA858KmPmjUZ
— No, I said, crying. You're not sick and you may never be sick, but you have to keep breathing, keep fighting this shit ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAPQQyoqQUN8
— To do what ? What awaits me in this cursed life ? Everyone will start turning their backs on me again, whispering in my way, being afraid of me.180Please respect copyright.PENANATByd317kHJ
Do you think that’s what it’s like to live ? 180Please respect copyright.PENANAABTZh19JzV
He points to the highway.180Please respect copyright.PENANAZz1Ve7wRST
— AIDS has already made me fall into a void, vehicles have already crushed me. And none of your prayers or hopes can save me ! he shouts.180Please respect copyright.PENANA3RWvxrlprE
My tears increase in the face of my helplessness. Jessy is going to die, it's just a matter of time and, in this second, I am fully aware of it.180Please respect copyright.PENANAxXFNM2yQcX
— This virus is circulating inside me and nothing anyone says or does to me will make it go away ! I will have to live the little time I have left carrying this burden alone ! I can't, I can't take this anymore. Reliving what I experienced in Allentown is beyond my strength ! 180Please respect copyright.PENANAxj4bm9MTfT
He lowers his arms, weariness written on each of his features. Cries that he has had to repress many times flood his face. I go to snuggle up against him, immediately his arms embrace me.180Please respect copyright.PENANAsARrbdlAcm
— I’m here, you’re no longer alone. I'm here Jessy, I repeat to him several times, hoping that my words penetrate his bruised heart.180Please respect copyright.PENANALL6zh5HCGb
Above us the storm calms down as the rain unleashes, mixing our tears with those of the sky.
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Never miss what's happening on Penana!
At the risk of losing you
Author:
Angelique Daniel
ISSUE #2
Chapter 2 : Staying up
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At the risk of losing you
Drama
Romance
Friendship
Last updated: Dec 24, 2023
Total word count: 99,881
Total reading time: 462 Minutes
Writer:
romance
young-adult
youngadult
romantic
younglove
truelove
illness
aids
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