然後，她去替人補習，如常地，五點半到達學生的家。學生是一對姊妹，輪流上課，每人一小時。七點半，她便離開，回家煮個公仔面食。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcoPO7QrLfT
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8p8RgkhPk0
/341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7eoZNZIAjh
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE95bu89AO9
這一年來，林蓁偶然回家睡覺，偶然在外過夜。要說「偶然」，好像並不準確，最近她與周立沖交好，時時留在他宿舍，但有時，她也天天回家，畢竟宿舍不是她的家。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRUltzX8Lu1
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrgy4UYJjYZ
一家五口，她是二妹，也是二家姐，大家姐一早移居國外，弟弟則到外國讀書，家中只得她一個。以前，她忘記過自己有家姐，這幾年，快要連有弟弟也忘記。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡopJpo8rb8t
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAuZDcFZWfH
進門，燈火通明，林父在客廳看電視，背靠輪椅。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDVTu5dnkaP
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡek11Kjgjbp
「林蓁，攞紙巾過嚟。」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz2u65rdNSy
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡczdh7F5bXU
他與那個口中怒吼「你跟我姓㗎！食我嘅住我嘅，我打死你都冇人知！」的父親形象已大大不同，經歷中風，身體羸弱的他一改舊日暴戾，平靜地如一般退休老人。現在，他需要倚靠女兒的照顧。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6kgW3xfnha
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVnsvpuhTGy
因此，像什麼事都沒有發生過一樣，與女兒「正常共對」。哪怕流露出一點點愧疚，林蓁也會好過一些。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV1tL2AMAAZ
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHOyxDC4H3b
她沒有刻意回憶舊事，但還是記得過往——341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa00L0XYmkC
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJyZvySPYXn
林父最初，只會打大家姐。大家姐長得高，人又聰明，時時駁嘴。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvVdjv9T8ZM
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡquenzLRD0g
他心情不好便會打她。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv7DtIMRuMq
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrvqgGdYfgR
大家姐多數不吭一聲，直直地瞪著父親，眼睛通紅。父親最討厭她這模樣，知道她現在不說話不求饒，為著平時他說些什麼時冷靜地反駁，他抄起飯桌上的鏡子，往她的膞頭骨打下去。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRaMOvCEk6s
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz79Y0WdV1f
一下一下打下去。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡArlmo478om
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN0V9BBYn6l
「你唔聽話吖嘛？答我呀！我生你養你打死你都無問題呀！」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbHLbH798tv
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhh7yNZ8wgf
「我無唔聽話呀！」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz4YX8uGggD
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMgTKgqFlxw
「仲講大話！」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4GZPRACfkT
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUomfOYw3TY
他捉住大家姐的頭髮，髮根吃痛，她便用腳爬到父親用力的方向，他更輕鬆地把她的頭按在地上。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyrkhimnQZD
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm3cmZTbD69
打人工具不多，或是說沒有特定工具，要麼隨手拿起便敲到身上，要麼單純用手打打打㩒㩒㩒刮刮刮。他那樣即興，像一份浪漫美意。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2LqEXwWFoV
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYY7wANZJj8
彼時林蓁和弟弟跪坐在房內，隔著一段距離，看爸爸和家姐。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJVrzN3qdB
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡarFlstI2wA
「你哋兩個唔好似最大嗰件咁壞！如果唔係連你哋都打。」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtmsboirMzW
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHqNzkkj9ML
小小林蓁會忍不住哭出聲來。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjLIqx1HTqE
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHqqC6iFTuz
她對父親恐懼，卻又覺得是家姐首先「曳」，所以才被父親打。她會出去，將攤在地上的家姐扶起，說：341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe8tE17L0yW
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8BKRD7yXb1
「你以後都唔好激嬲阿爸啦。」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdd0v4wo9PG
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaVg2pOm7bP
家姐只是拍開林蓁的手：「縮頭烏龜，唔使你可憐。」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4LciOHoPWq
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXdHa50LiLO
媽媽回家，見到屋內一片死寂，也沒提什麼，只說：「開飯啦。」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQYdOxLum9u
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡokTP6oDome
/341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNNMiCXIrgb
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk5sulRfFga
然後，林蓁把紙巾遞給父親，他抽出，用力呻鼻涕。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡttYrB1SKEz
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkCga2Eg9Vw
她去煮辛辣麵，不再另以碗裝住，就這樣捧著鍋吃，坐在客廳，沒有和父親看一樣的電視內容，只是看電話。新聞新聞，姜濤，譚仔，SASA特價，清潔工權利，腦袋卻無法裝載更多。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZThiplN2y
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWPl4dWpNaN
快快吃完，她去洗鍋。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡar5A16an10
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡom8LodbDwp
林蓁從不會過分霸佔一個空間，即使長期留在一個地方，如家，如周立沖的宿舍，她的物件都沒有幾多。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOAzL1ZimIn
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG8pr1Kb2wh
自小，父親便不喜歡她將玩具放出客廳，有次，她將一個小熊公仔放在沙發上，然後去廁所，出來時，便不見了小熊。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYgGVGd6TMv
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfpvV3Hbmje
「熊仔去咗邊？」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIjnbxNROv5
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡooaz6uMphM
「我抌咗。」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfTTnHFtQH1
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4LIvy3ELly
「吓……」她小小聲，馬上到垃圾桶裡撿小熊，只見它對上有一堆橙皮、紙巾、洋蔥。倒是沒有哭，只不斷地用水沖涮小熊，又嗅了嗅，酸臭味仍然不走，加梘液，起泡刷。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyTnXE48coT
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLkBtVj4Nqm
當時她已很怕父親，便不敢說什麼，只環抱小熊，在他面前行過，證明她對小熊不離不棄。從此，她不再將自己的東西，放在「不屬於自己」的地方，譬如客廳、廚房。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2vvj2gtE1P
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ88XihIUJHv
她在家霸佔的位置也越來越小，開始覺得多餘。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6TgNDpJl6a
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgof2u85TyP
此刻，斟了一杯水後，林蓁在父親面前吃藥，他的眼神依然死死盯著電視螢幕。她根本不必避諱。她是幸運的。在避談精神病的城裡，她的親人要麼離開了，要麼對她不管不顧，誰管她的死活呢。一個人的能量有限，她不必花心神在隱藏自己的狀態之上。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXEnLEscLlX
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt9olbKr9Tc
和她一屋簷下的血親，甚至不知道她幾歲、唸什麼、將來會返咩工。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZHLW7jQK5B
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaRjSSPHwmE
二人不會說話——反正她不會牽起話頭。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX6GvnY78UG
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5C0h2nR1Q
和他，不知有什麼好講。每個家庭，也是如此麼——恐怕不是，畢竟她羨慕過別人家的融洽和睦。閉上屋門，死氣沉沉，只得腳步聲來來回回拖拉。對於她現在的一切，除了煞有介事地和輔導員講之外，就沒有辦法與人道，慢慢，她的語言能力也枯萎，必要說的事以外，連組織也困難。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBgCx7r7FwN
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh95ojAXZ1M
有時，她會怨恨全屋人都走光，家姐一早撇下她，母親死了，細佬又走，得她一個留在家。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGyAqoQ3tIN
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6u6KZMBoSh
家姐離開後，父親便找林蓁出氣，依然是拳打腳踢。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlDBSuF8CMn
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjrrmVD5xEM
但，她從來沒有「激嬲」父親。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu7H2LoRrbe
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNEqI2zu7vu
/341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmfIv1FDaep
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1vq0DmsfPg
那時，小小林蓁和家姐陷入一種莫名其妙的冷戰。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlnmQ4WVC4F
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMITzZnkd7q
二人沒有吵架，只是，當林蓁叫家姐不要再惹父親生氣、又故作乖巧地斟水給他喝消消氣後，家姐每次見她，便沒有好臉色。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqYjxRTKIsZ
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpuKyN4ggzP
作為二女兒，家庭的中間位置，平凡、不突出、不顯眼；林蓁擁有「希望所有人都喜歡自己」的渴望，否則，誰會關心她呢。家姐更聰明堅強，而弟弟是家中唯一男兒。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ7NjKyiqwW
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO5NNY94HCi
林蓁總是溫溫和和，不吵不鬧，她一早發現自己不是可以雲淡風輕的天之驕子，也沒有勇氣離經叛道做野孩子，要得到歡心和關注，只能做好自身，微笑對人，得體應答，天真可愛，人蓄無害——她有這樣的天賦。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHU5kCjlCKi
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwxEtxHvt8v
她自覺喜歡充當人與人之間的潤滑劑，或者說是，討厭別人對立，每次如此，她不知道應該支持哪方。而且，別人若是熱鬧，又有誰看見只瑟縮的她呢。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWNtrKe0rhu
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpEQrHfmDVU
所以，每次家姐被父親打，林蓁也會看看家姐，問她痛不痛。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOdM9sMsmW7
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZPJSA24Dav
「你匿埋都唔緊要，你同細佬仲細，都無辦法攔到阿爸。但點解要叫我唔好激佢？」家姐說。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWqFqRHqrs
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ74g19nSYat
「我驚你畀佢打得更加犀利。」林蓁說。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhtB1Kle0f3
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJrfu9ESWeg
「唔係我令到佢打我㗎！係佢自己發神經㗎！」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBpcozRNz97
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv6ddLLBdNV
「咁佢打緊你嗰陣時，向佢求饒，等佢快啲打完啦……」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8vt3W4cLqK
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8tv6tQEWTZ
「佢又打唔死我，為咗嗰少少快啲打完，求佢？你係我個妹，咁無骨氣？」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1TdPZcveHe
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuh2RDYDTdU
林蓁不知為何，竟然哭了起來。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiIjmSmJqle
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9J4AgPlxL0
「你仲喊！又唔係你畀人打！你仲要斟水畀阿爸！喊喊喊，你喊咩呀？」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDRB4SoaB1i
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr41Ttzz5Gu
姊妹二人，一連幾日沒有說過話。起初，林蓁還厚著面皮，將自己早餐的面包及腸仔分給家姐（父親罰家姐不準食飯），但被拒絕。後來，林蓁也生氣起來，心想你不理我我也不理你，便不再主動和家姐搭話。二人其實一直也留意對方，回頭時會對視，但只有一秒，都急急移開目光。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjy2AzOdFkY
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7kvGJhrv9K
直至父親又打家姐。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtz3QAeAJV9
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGciC5IHJd4
原因並不特別，就是家姐食飯食得慢，父親生氣，便打她。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz3Q3rsAyOt
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0cldiF6ebr
家姐依然沒有說話，雖然流淚但沒有出聲。林蓁依然擁著弟弟瑟縮一角，只是，下一秒，她又想到，家姐生氣可能是因為以前她沒有出來維護家人，於是，她便鼓起勇氣，衝出來：341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfIglzpnmbA
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBExN24FOsg
「阿爸唔好再打啦！家姐知錯啦！」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUHwudDoEFR
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZLqO8rtTJ
「佢知錯？咁佢唔講？」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMlObUD8lE3
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNIkCjl8J8v
「家姐真係知錯！」林蓁情不自禁地流淚起來：「你望吓！家姐喊！全面都係眼淚，佢只係唔好意思講咋嘛！」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGPZ9v6nhmH
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡidWW6RSZ0f
「喊代表知錯咩？佢唔知有悔意喎！」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvNu8PnNsv0
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡROWvQ5PCir
「真㗎真㗎！」林蓁撒謊：「上次你話完佢，佢話你講得啱㗎！」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyecqUn6scp
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaQIhrl3BHr
「我無！」家姐搖頭。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡouYj996568
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAFSFLYYmGL
「你唔好口硬啦，已經好多傷啦！」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXSukaIPwpo
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn65QGoDMy7
「既然你哋咁講，今日就算，以後再駁嘴就打。」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfBGO5rWHvU
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3TIiExjsTu
「多謝阿爸。」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0MCjGKfTjG
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTHullDvsxE
家姐推了林蓁落地。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI0hUkdwa5P
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ybxVvAfjV
「你做咩要咁講啊？做咪屈我啊？」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1mEfIflUNB
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6CNExZ6HVy
「我唔想阿爸再打你咋。」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcNMBO6UnDY
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ72d0bqkeNi
「你根本唔明，我被佢打係因為曳咩？佢想無啦啦打人咋！咁啱係我。你同佢求饒？以後佢都係會打㗎！同呢啲人講對唔住做咩？」341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuRRbKpfv9T
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡITDX5gLQhN
以往家姐怎樣被父親打，眼睛紅紅，但始終沒有哭出聲來。她在內心與己戰鬥：喊出嚟就輸。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡia8SXBS4j1
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnuIb1IAd3V
但現在，家姐越說越委屈，竟然哭了。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuOEbvJ16U0
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5jxjueNyXC
小小林蓁不明白，以為為家姐好。多年後，她才知道，家姐覺得林蓁擅作主張的求饒，是一種背叛。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBDm1B6rOYF
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFIWiFOEjKW
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341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaYYldba743
隨即，她去洗澡，在黑暗中淋浴，覺得一切都很靜，視覺的減退一併萎縮其他感官。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGTZ4idHlWb
341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡExuZz0y37L
不知是否吃了藥的緣故，她比以往快入睡。341Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjvTJwagZmf
然後按「加至主畫面」