零、楔子519Please respect copyright.PENANAh6kUE7tHaM
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在林蓁回憶自己為什麼依然活著時,她忽然記起自己怎樣「死」。519Please respect copyright.PENANAaJLotpDmXk
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只是有天,她覺得活著沒有意義。活著是前進,因此只會有更多的問題,今天的禍患還未跨越,便倒數明天。「新的一天」只是時間概念,縱觀人生卻沒有新舊,明天的到來,多數連同以往未解決的事。她想,好像活下去,也無法開心,未見希望,那麼不如算了吧。519Please respect copyright.PENANAyOBTnVh1W1
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不如算了吧——這句說話,在不同語境之下,常常回蕩她腦海,像要逼人溺死其中才甘心罷休。519Please respect copyright.PENANAkSTy9zxLU6
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林蓁吃安眠藥。519Please respect copyright.PENANAIxFVohluqS
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在倒出半樽安眠藥時,她想,自殺的人,為什麼要自殺呢?519Please respect copyright.PENANAFMP05AaWAo
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在倒出整樽安眠藥時,她想,不自殺的人,為什麼不自殺呢?519Please respect copyright.PENANAdiuyg7T1lK
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說來可笑,她的自殺勇氣,如果化成有形實體,大概就是一樽安眠藥的份量。她想再倒另一樽,又想:算啦。519Please respect copyright.PENANAJcrT5XYO4s
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(雖然網上很多人笑食安眠藥不會死人,然而藥物過量本有危險性,而昏迷時嘔吐更有機會導致窒息。)519Please respect copyright.PENANA5RbpbOdhYB
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生存的意義,當然各有各不同,可是,真正令她詫異的是,每個人對世界的感知差距之遠,同一個環境下,有人「好撚鍾意」,有人「屌你老母」。這種不同令她痛苦,比起這些那些事——當她想敍述一件事的時候,其實也無法坦然,總感覺大家感覺到的並非同類,如是,又有什麼敍述的必要?真人真事,尋常、微小,不能當寶典不能當秘笈。519Please respect copyright.PENANAwhQabmcCkj
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人與人之間無法互相理解,同一件客觀事件,也會分裂。519Please respect copyright.PENANA3xhZoylQud
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吞下一樽安眠藥後,她躺下來。519Please respect copyright.PENANAowD5RvMSKI
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看見神、牛頭馬面、彊屍,最後什麼也無,只得聲音:「你叫咩名?做乜要死?」519Please respect copyright.PENANAk1081MLm6I
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「我叫林蓁,都唔係想死,只係唔想再生存。」她答。519Please respect copyright.PENANA5quzXGZgQP
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「你先廿一,陽壽未盡,咪阻住啦。」519Please respect copyright.PENANAG67UpQqABX
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「連陰間都唔容納我?!」519Please respect copyright.PENANAG5mY5QuKCe
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翌日早上十一時,林蓁起來了,只是,比平常更累一點,但一過了初醒,又很精神。519Please respect copyright.PENANA0g79nbOvSO
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她的自殺「失敗」了。519Please respect copyright.PENANAX9bIXgKVvj
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只是像平時一樣入睡,起床,迷迷糊糊,還因為平常都睡不好,現在反而得到了更多的休息。519Please respect copyright.PENANA7cJ81FgRky
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她卻沒有那種「啊?點解死唔去」的愕然。如果選擇必死無疑的自殺方法,才可以有安定的保證,譬如從三十一樓跳下去,或者以牢緊的繩子吊頸,不懂游泳便走入人煙稀少的海。這些那麼方法,她卻選擇了吞服安眠藥,只一樽。決心不強,但可以——死不死在這裡,變成一種賭注,可以「成功」,可以「失敗」。519Please respect copyright.PENANAVX1ZqYxcrP
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她是這樣不珍視生命。而且,這才發現,原來一直以來吃的安眠藥,效力不是很強,難怪她服來無大效。519Please respect copyright.PENANAriaKBApVvA
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甚至,她沒有遺下一封放在當眼處的遺書。如果真的死去,會不會有人以為她純粹嚴重失眠,因此不慎吞下過多的安眠藥呢?當她執拾上課要用的Ipad時,心想。519Please respect copyright.PENANAMiMdND5XL4
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遲點再交代,為什麼這天她「突然」想死。519Please respect copyright.PENANAmwA0O2LGvi
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許是覺得丢臉,她沒有和任何人說。519Please respect copyright.PENANAp7nEbBwL3q
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只是,自從這件事後,林蓁發現自己既然沒有很強的意欲死去,那麼,就要好好活下去。她本來就是貪生怕死的一個人,她捫心自問。如果貪婪,那麼,就要有創造,不然越活越辛苦,又會想死,死不去,又更痛苦,何必受罪。519Please respect copyright.PENANAKxmV0CyxJu
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她沒有什麼悲壯傳奇,不是遭遇大災難,只是經歷了一些事,然後病了。519Please respect copyright.PENANA2N3QkoKVkm