在這之前,失眠已經困擾林蓁一段時間。408Please respect copyright.PENANAz2PZtmUKbL
408Please respect copyright.PENANA8iQ1Ka9cek
以前可以緩解的方法,她都試過,但現在已沒有用。408Please respect copyright.PENANALaJkr7GvQk
408Please respect copyright.PENANAUljuxtepz0
譬如自慰,陰蒂吸啜器是她有且僅有的性玩具,慢慢,其唯一的功能就是助眠。陰蒂變得不再敏感,以前輕易高潮,但經歷頻繁的刺激後,需時更久,也不再有潮吹。408Please respect copyright.PENANAyScrCfez8j
408Please respect copyright.PENANApjzj4P2vAP
自慰這種性事,目的一早轉移,她沒有性幻想,只得肢體郁動、喘息、抽搐。身體的快感令人很空虛,依然眼光光,腿部的繃緊用力令她很疲累,悶眼,卻依然毫無睡意。408Please respect copyright.PENANAGRgwgIeNZ6
408Please respect copyright.PENANAIB6GSN4P0e
女人的陰蒂可以不斷高潮,不像男人射了精就要回氣很久。408Please respect copyright.PENANA4IHdRIki2f
408Please respect copyright.PENANApCWud1zRU4
她有時絕望,便不斷重複自慰,生理上的快感推到最極致之時,她腦袋空空,感官刺激一結束,她便流淚,彷彿無論如何都無法有那種身心合一的快感,還有愛。408Please respect copyright.PENANA4qD6kxcL9J
408Please respect copyright.PENANANfeaUmjgAM
此外,她也歇盡所能地運動,多數在球場跑圈,雖然不是運動好手,跑得慢,但是外出一整天仍慢跑四十分鐘,依然消耗了很多能量。每次跑完後,她會在球場散步幾圈,讓心跳平和下來,腳步浮浮。408Please respect copyright.PENANAQB4ttRTBfI
408Please respect copyright.PENANAbxJi6b5BeY
球場上的人跑步,必然各有各目的,減肥、健身、消遣,她在一圈又一圈之中,想像他們也許有人跟她一樣失眠,怕自己快要猝死,才努力健壯一點,延長壽命。408Please respect copyright.PENANAJVda5znw0y
408Please respect copyright.PENANAUY1ORqchYD
安睡寧、褪黑激素等助眠類產品,她也吃過。408Please respect copyright.PENANAT5p7T98Y0C
408Please respect copyright.PENANAQr1GCankyr
從最初的有點效果,到現在越吃越多,連心理作用也無用。她常常躺下,但無法入睡,睡覺是為了休息一下、明天早起,這種基本的生理需求,她的身體亦不依從,多令人生氣。408Please respect copyright.PENANAZoJBxYJqVw
408Please respect copyright.PENANAyX12BFyUpm
攤在床上,閉眼,腦袋便開始想許多不著邊際的事。408Please respect copyright.PENANAhi4spD5Sgb
408Please respect copyright.PENANApuRhoCJcBd
如果要林蓁數綿羊,大概數到第七隻,牠便會突然走到腦海的最大畫面,然後拿出一根蔗咀嚼,接著,牠會把第八隻、第九隻綿羊殺掉,統領整個綿羊國,野心勃勃地與野豬及長頸鹿聯邦,幾年後傳位給更有能力的獅子。408Please respect copyright.PENANAMsDkZPEr6c
408Please respect copyright.PENANAdvbCkD4TOk
熱鬧哄哄。408Please respect copyright.PENANA8dxOQRR2hF
408Please respect copyright.PENANAJO115gZioV
偶然又有分鏡,讓她看見生命中遇過的許多人,擺出可憐兮兮的樣子,畫面跳轉,竟落到她可憐兮兮。408Please respect copyright.PENANA4QcvqRUBqT
408Please respect copyright.PENANAphUw5Um0XM
第二朝起來,她都無法感到入睡過,可是認知上又告訴始終有段迷糊的時間。身體依然疲累。408Please respect copyright.PENANAcaxjNYl8tC
408Please respect copyright.PENANAVH5x708tDi
//408Please respect copyright.PENANATZXpK1x3nW
408Please respect copyright.PENANAyQ8oal3mzX
林蓁很清楚自己病倒了,根據DSM-5的標準,她有齊情緒病的徵狀,在她默默數算自己的情況,比起原本標準上列明的兩星期,已持續多於三個月時,她便預約了大學輔導中心。408Please respect copyright.PENANAEJ2wxxHTMf
408Please respect copyright.PENANArO7ijXstSq
此時已經四月,她是應屆畢業班學生,七月,學生證便變成校友證,也不知可否拍閘機進入校園。這幾年死撐爛捱,未曾尋求外界協助;現在似要在氣數將盡之前,享盡免費福利。她是那麼小氣而懂得計算的人,竟然也落到人生迷迷糊糊之時——唉吔,若脫離學生身分,見一次輔導要千幾蚊,喂喂,不如吃好幾次放題教人心情舒暢。精神健康如此重要之事,服務真的做到普及嗎,精神健康綜合社區中心起得再多,你一不自殺二不自殘三無危機,怎會被理睬。408Please respect copyright.PENANA5GviVJSiVs
408Please respect copyright.PENANApy3tWL7kWm
而城市裡大部分人都沒有概念,為什麼呢?難道是她作為新一代,被後現代理論洗腦麼,又天生矯情才會特別脆弱麼。408Please respect copyright.PENANA3pIhYS5pot
408Please respect copyright.PENANAD83Ahdtegb
不過,在成功預約的兩小時後,林蓁才想起,預約那天是她第一天做功課輔導班導師。她不想請假,以免給人留下不負責任印象,因此,取消預約。電腦螢幕顯示,最近都full booking,沒有可預約時段。408Please respect copyright.PENANAjS1Dtjmq2Y
408Please respect copyright.PENANAeIMgFkR0zF
她的鼠標不斷在灰色的「Not available」上點按,瘋狂地按。408Please respect copyright.PENANA3nejQgkGJ1
408Please respect copyright.PENANALfCbb4DbFu
只是,並無跳轉至下個畫面,她忽然覺得好笑,自己其實很健康,畢竟可以為了功輔班放棄一次約見輔導的機會,足夠理智,或者可以按捺所有衝動的情緒。408Please respect copyright.PENANAwQiIX3CnBD
408Please respect copyright.PENANAMWMGzJG53q
只是到了深夜,她一個人在空蕩蕩的客廳時,又流淚。鬼使神差,她重新進入大學輔導中心網站,竟發現大後天空出了一個時段,鮮綠色的像生意盎然的草。她點進去,成功預約。408Please respect copyright.PENANAhITp4d6qh5
408Please respect copyright.PENANAaM5aLSlp1f
做了普通健康問卷後,她又繼續做功課。408Please respect copyright.PENANAeEOQutBNZr
408Please respect copyright.PENANACXG1AZ6xMY
她唸心理學系。408Please respect copyright.PENANAjIPXY9m7hI
408Please respect copyright.PENANApL4xCT8Syh
因此,她對於無法疏導自身情緒,感到羞恥。408Please respect copyright.PENANA580oh5uzGx
408Please respect copyright.PENANA2v3NvchRPb
這幾年,她也做不同兼職,上司人好,著她如有任何不適應,都可以提出,不要因為就讀聽來了解人性的學科,就要求自己時刻冷靜,畢竟誰都只是普通人。然而,她還是看不起自己。這城的所有人,誰不是辛勤工作?或抱持夢想努力前進,或為求三餐安穩營營役役,可是她脆弱——408Please respect copyright.PENANAqwhzAaK9Pe
408Please respect copyright.PENANAjhkLhPE6JO
唯獨她感到世上再沒有路可以走了,是否。408Please respect copyright.PENANAQ5q0z0vXR3
408Please respect copyright.PENANAX31OQn4QUV
只是她脆弱。408Please respect copyright.PENANAbRCuuWMjea
408Please respect copyright.PENANAoePo8FZj5A
見輔導員前,林蓁在沙田米線店吃得好飽,特意叫了多蔥。約見時間為下午三點九,三點正,她才剛坐到餐廳,以下午茶優惠叫了一杯凍檸茶。408Please respect copyright.PENANAbZIQiUl5Yj
408Please respect copyright.PENANAzMudS5nhvE
坦言,光是看樣子,她完全不像「病人」。408Please respect copyright.PENANAilZu1vvbt5
408Please respect copyright.PENANA0RS8xEElHL
天生濃密的眉毛和睫毛,紅潤的臉頰和唇,下意識的微笑伴隨深陷的酒窩,無論怎樣捱更抵夜,臉容仍然精神。即使,前一天哭得死去活來,似要將一輩子的眼淚流乾,她也會一早誠誠懇懇地把匙羹放進冰格裡,翌晨起來,蓋在眼睛上敷,等到中午,早就沒有紅腫樣子。408Please respect copyright.PENANAWReJxxe5cl
408Please respect copyright.PENANACSp0nlA0Xk
在抵達校園、嘟卡入閘、被陽光無遮無掩地曬著期間,林蓁重新組織自己要說的話。408Please respect copyright.PENANAbFMuLKsf9M
408Please respect copyright.PENANABb9J9D0326
「Umm,我唔係好嚴重,無乜影響日常生活。係有啲失眠同有時會唔開心咁解。」408Please respect copyright.PENANAnH6hxaOnOQ
408Please respect copyright.PENANAT6P45rYgfZ
她自嘲,原來兩句就可以總結2023年起感受到的痛苦,相比起情緒詞,她更相信狀態,似乎「失眠」比起「唔開心」更客觀,或是更容易理解,準確地。408Please respect copyright.PENANAvUwFw3zeeB
408Please respect copyright.PENANAmbdyG2m8bs
然後又提醒自己,等等見人,記得笑容滿面,語調歡快。她曾經做過學生助理,幫助打transcript,知道校園中人各有奇難雜症,有些嚴重得死人冧樓。而她,總是可以繞過世上所有的頹垣敗瓦躺在床墊上,無論能否入睡,都已幸運,還求什麼?她會懷疑自己是否有資格使用服務。因此,在對方露出輕視的眼神(如果會)前,她要首先自嘲,說一切都很輕鬆,以免讓人覺得她無知地誇大情緒。內心默唸:放鬆一點。408Please respect copyright.PENANAyUo6hB2qQo
408Please respect copyright.PENANA1xfSjzFL1d
內進輔導中心,前台職員讓她坐下,等一會兒,又填問卷,直至最後一題:「你的日常、社交、人際、工作幾大程度受影響?」她還是剔下「不大」。408Please respect copyright.PENANAkKlVKfCT7O
408Please respect copyright.PENANAmPPdyOJDNK
交回問卷,等五分鐘,輔導員和她打招呼:「我幫你做初步評估。」408Please respect copyright.PENANA6hh6ew5OPU
408Please respect copyright.PENANAksWxbVRfGF
/408Please respect copyright.PENANAcUjJFlRln2
408Please respect copyright.PENANA9qbTbGLmuD
「我喺樓下啦。」408Please respect copyright.PENANAj3tR6sYYO9
408Please respect copyright.PENANAzGAKnBn7ri
周立沖搭𨋢,走到樓下,帶林蓁上樓。408Please respect copyright.PENANAsYuYELVZN9
408Please respect copyright.PENANAwtowO321D7
林蓁靜靜跟隨他上樓。大學四年,她從來未住宿舍,但也流連過乜乜堂、物物樓,終點總是別人的房間。 408Please respect copyright.PENANApWog6bejP1
408Please respect copyright.PENANA4hOPoJwvcT
見到他認識的人,進同一架𨋢,對方與他打招呼,也順帶對她點點頭,然後無言。408Please respect copyright.PENANAr7hvWRxl4m
408Please respect copyright.PENANAWFDv9PWesf
進了房間,她放下背包,坐在椅子上發呆。周立沖擁抱她:「你好似好攰,做咩嚟?」408Please respect copyright.PENANAEYo4xBhWOI
408Please respect copyright.PENANAtbiGlSDq4g
「無做咩吖,嚟交個功課,見仲好早就搵你食飯。」408Please respect copyright.PENANAWw6Iw5k9ym
408Please respect copyright.PENANA6ATcaUsNS0
「你會喺度留幾多日?」他已知道她會過夜。408Please respect copyright.PENANAHTmTwUuaPy
408Please respect copyright.PENANALEETT3wRd2
「後日先走,得唔得?」408Please respect copyright.PENANAcQTGRONtbx
408Please respect copyright.PENANAeLoFVFV4ZS
「好耶,陪我兩晚。」408Please respect copyright.PENANAELls64HIjC
408Please respect copyright.PENANAWF8BWAi1R0
每次靠在他懷裡,林蓁都會覺得這是夢。408Please respect copyright.PENANA4IaPryYt72
408Please respect copyright.PENANAve3qTRtXpS
三年前,二人戀愛,最後因他喜歡了別人而分手。近日再見,則是他的女朋友A小姐移民,二人不歡而散,算是在感情中受挫,因此,需要異性的溫柔,或說是,需要一個足夠喜歡他的異性的溫柔。三年過去,她再見他,即使對現在的他有點陌生,可是昔日濃意傾瀉而出,竟然如此熟悉。她的腦中不斷迴盪一把聲音:仿佛命運讓人重逢,難道不是緣分天注定?408Please respect copyright.PENANA4REur3pXzg
408Please respect copyright.PENANAzIgLK7k93a
二人在海邊散步,他提起舊時,她默默流淚,他一下下地摸她的頭擁她的肩,輕聲說「以前真係好對唔住,你一定好辛苦。」然後,一同坐上回宿舍的火車。408Please respect copyright.PENANA6lfevhnnGE
408Please respect copyright.PENANAWMGUQovv7q
為什麼她答允,無非是動心過糾纏過理清過,最後還是,橫不過。408Please respect copyright.PENANAO9qiri4rNl
408Please respect copyright.PENANAacyhPJm2i8
已經三年,但好像只長了年歲,見了他,心跳仍怦然,才發現也許是虛長年歲。408Please respect copyright.PENANAFjovERqd74
408Please respect copyright.PENANAOYljeQHFQ9
和他一起,確實很快樂。縱使,她無法否認,曾經被他捨棄,但現在這段他走投無路的空白,得她在。408Please respect copyright.PENANAHkhFjiqFwF
408Please respect copyright.PENANATwjOSb7VsR
快樂像小人得志,她控制自己不能感到太快樂。408Please respect copyright.PENANA1hpkSVTXZP
408Please respect copyright.PENANA2kRRJHy8cQ
林蓁清晰認知,無非趁著他落難才可充當溫柔鄉——不是趙合德式為帝皇家生小孩、與姐姐勾心斗角那種溫柔鄉,而是缓缓說出所有好聽的話,偶然恰當地責備兩句,展露真誠的愛及年少怯弱這種溫柔鄉。408Please respect copyright.PENANAAV6oYLNivc
408Please respect copyright.PENANAvW2Qio9qll
聽他傾訴悲傷,被另一個女生捨棄,被時局變遷隔開居住地,被穩定安好的感情摔倒。408Please respect copyright.PENANA4Omy6nA3PZ
408Please respect copyright.PENANASZYu3JPapi
林蓁心情複雜,一邊想:你也有今天我當時就是這樣傷心,一邊想:寧願你永遠不識其滋味可保持感情的朦朧及不再使我淪陷更深。她靜靜傾聽。408Please respect copyright.PENANAntGNyac5Zn
408Please respect copyright.PENANAjUg6QoP0Ji
不如誠實一點,她太迷戀至迷失於被他需要的感覺,即使不是純粹的喜歡,但展現形態是「被一時選擇」,她幾乎以此維生。408Please respect copyright.PENANA24anj17tw8
408Please respect copyright.PENANAMfxiPhA861
穿上周立沖的衣服,林蓁便一起躺在床上。408Please respect copyright.PENANAqSTwrYGu6z
408Please respect copyright.PENANAE2d3dnnouL
他舉著平板電腦,二人一起看YouTube,她卻失神——408Please respect copyright.PENANAMihLxbJBWM