穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSD79DZvESw
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeLdbrtGtC4
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8gUmQN9i3a
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg96aravZ5r
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk3LINIbaU7
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAkwNFSgB76
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwMomGo3csI
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiEutEZMxSY
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ZHHz2287H
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNhawBR5BZ2
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCYvuAYvp6T
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuprm7MXcWm
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLfZAXYLMlg
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ610uuTMpNV
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9pKTpWedBK
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2yJOdFVf7U
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdz5K6810Us
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLNbe2xwlRa
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgdxvpWiHCv
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6DRAh9U8Hc
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ99rjnBq6GT
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwLSNMK9I0T
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr95yNQ9qWn
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC5yrLP7A1g
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ85fJdh2CLk
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvHqXAsDokq
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw44E5Vctgb
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqa2kjwSSXH
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh196jcjg8M
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmllN6jmzd8
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyHfwuK9SrZ
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ82qFX5ZU4q
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPOyUtjJQjn
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAfpiF4cqv3
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNgOWA00XSI
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS1N1gu0hKa
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡutNvehF1jy
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJLRNyVlK0Z
「鍾意你。」他說。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0UyUiIrULC
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ05w9Ic8ZX8
「我都係。」她應。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRWo29a5VeJ
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGGCotc4gqT
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt2QPvFRzy9
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTNHYoK3C3p
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM3pIaNHtNM
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2R7NHzwVJy
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo3fJQRbEaH
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ82blRc2Hhd
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwatEE0kIpf
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3g5ht7rn20
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCXoaICbtVe
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYg9ABvxDrd
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNMNIfMz2F2
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡENGqGjz7NR
二人過後做愛、入睡。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSkowNnpZoS
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbIK2pKFcFY
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpvohJhzXUc
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVPdPRVvP4t
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMZvbQliYP5
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6obMeB84Ht
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsosNZ5phCf
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTMm7HmaAny
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZv0Odxuryv
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKv0HJARIF0
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMrVsIGFyed
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDTQ1g4MGEW
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYYY68sxIbr
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcgVgNPjQBW
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6KpQ7vlNH8
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAmkiblg6U9
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxu4Y45AiFQ
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiWCoXT61GZ
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDSLOaF3MQM
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8G3UxbcPvk
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyJ5wPTFQBI
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbcMbyIJemL
她糊糊塗塗。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡThqlt3BuwU
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQtomH7blci
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7KF2fJ2XAl
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4a5PIRwvZU
最怕空虛。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJS2S2WmDFU
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ96nNfCdge8
/661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ96MbbnbJOk
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡte8UGOc4SW
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSUVUi7grDO
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKIJrBabIrJ
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRox8RGDrTd
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3CUjvzc0sK
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡylNYuPcw9i
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJA9lPgp0is
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKrMhERJo1w
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZ7tUzS3vZ
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6tEloqOEoN
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFMu1BIdLfT
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaUND1t5m0K
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuJ2SuQlzW3
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHezYuUkjGx
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvtT9liFOTf
她不過在日常之中夢遊。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIcrvdUblqb
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtduLvqNbgk
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoyPulMTKau
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRebc95Eung
「上年12月開始。」661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd0HvpIKfoN
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJlUwRtcW05
「頻率係？」661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaLp6o2aKTL
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfkcKOLmiFQ
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv1MoNTOiA5
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwnV4Vyd1o1
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW5ahz5Tt8z
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0TDEJuZfZg
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv84BSqwEF6
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLJ69c25j77
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOOMbOSpljX
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJKJFoF3Wvt
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr9JTCLxQoZ
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKjUTDZpfyG
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyShLyvmKdE
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5m30Bbd7Ms
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKEu2tr2ukd
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2yj7e37ome
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW09CS4jFtg
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWSC4wBhpLY
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkhLpiWvTE0
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJXHvgOA7Ev
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsOiHYn3dB5
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN8SD8tADM2
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5cphFp8m7b
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ26YwjysgZy
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7IC9txngDn
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoheGbyfpcV
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM3Banbf1Z5
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdA6pAuInB3
連傾訴都不真誠。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYSfvcUkzBY
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeLg7syOTkM
不開心又不去死。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiEFZf3CTUf
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsmbQyEM1o0
不去死又不改變。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV3IJrmfvvl
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdslfjPEtFZ
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO5XzlzoKCN
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqOxI9SZKsS
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO0wR5aTgHM
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi05KdEDUSY
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg0BVELkDMz
661Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbSjHoQ3b8J
and then Add to home screen.