穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbBzFl7jJfL
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1FSSTKLvqn
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDOLmjSb2s5
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgmMbRNOvhY
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuobCQGOzjm
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4EygTcxygP
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNiLOWyPaDJ
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUNnhF9jNJU
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZI4Rk46mpH
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD5JftCULCa
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFi91BO1k8H
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhEktItL9wI
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5KINreG8T2
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Ok93jXPkC
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Q7YP22wKY
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0MJmcX1Bfx
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJSH3Jw4h8k
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3kAiSrhIwv
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ7tqqYkyb1
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8K8RFLq9xJ
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGfr10zPxVH
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJp8jtt6RK5
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyl0zy8Lop6
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9rzDgvPXkY
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmA8Ml9HmYa
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCFn0XO20pa
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtbkLJcFsgh
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8B5dqMnqgn
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvYLJGb5Ale
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlqs7RcS0mo
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡahbeQDsxZ5
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9DobVWrxrr
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Ys7pr8484
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE9Sa33WRG3
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbeaM9WgWzS
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgrEsjlV3RX
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKHJ9eBuaoO
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNOuX5Te2qI
「鍾意你。」他說。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0xMdf3kpES
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW2y7LDJjSY
「我都係。」她應。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM3S5N8lqoA
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvuCQS5DYxU
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBiDJVjy2Pn
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwbu7s6bhrN
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5GU3JB11qG
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIDHvEY8DNV
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrPVwMnIg4o
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ6TwCWUcQM
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6vsLDFDAsM
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0wvikwBrCF
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA9xSULg9GF
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9MeeCOCcMe
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKc73DzHSGT
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9y8hdOo6az
二人過後做愛、入睡。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUqCePxEbPS
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1HICBMQQbv
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4uqzc6Y3GA
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMkZqB6ix8S
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2gP4ZCHRG8
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvDkkPnImog
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk9qHUmvd0D
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7RyxRDhJVg
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe7oAvXuAcs
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRonJ8ccpyV
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡME5gF5EMDv
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfbQ2Vegb0n
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiuaQ4WTIhz
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVX0CyloHBV
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL5y2ivlvRw
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡavYeJffLhr
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQCRhl044jS
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDV6ncaFq08
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVLv6gqLZCZ
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaXU78ZsX4w
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR4xb73Ul0b
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRtEHVPmei0
她糊糊塗塗。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡadD15BImE5
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8c1tkyOAWX
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIQv7kWQolK
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKYraNmpPhE
最怕空虛。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1tO1AgSQux
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ih9jD11fE
/322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡue2Tz4YJ98
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuAcMMJXDEK
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBiJBJ0qvbE
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUDqoIhrSBT
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9bitWFYuYO
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfgsZJl6a2b
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl7fNl9XA4D
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeZOSSaR5j6
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhkPXMzBDDq
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsZIeOUULYb
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWmUKCFB6q8
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ESeIHBqj7
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPi5WCOM5oF
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1z8QNUmb2W
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡErYbPpMcKN
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb1TfFviRKY
她不過在日常之中夢遊。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtFqtt20kTi
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgwpTuSrdHt
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm041JBQn7g
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7dXFOdgbEx
「上年12月開始。」322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbWeEjhviiF
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXKUworT8ah
「頻率係？」322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡluIGU2Exvx
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJzGIFqtigY
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDTYLOn1Il8
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJoQuLkr0ZO
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6XUzn4offo
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPNxnVOIAKB
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD0dd7K0GDC
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhMZJCmfaHZ
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSAtSE97R40
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmJNZzBGFRj
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5BTM7GIM1V
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPXbockxwtG
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrncn42zyKi
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRaXyOOW73x
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCY0NzWaAyU
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpmZLsw2HmS
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3o0GADfc2S
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8cGp4FijBy
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM3P2dJLbuJ
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4CbXLGoyyT
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxd23wkcX4x
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZuPQg4tTJa
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgKzPn3dHt2
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCVK6MgMUMO
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmkTRSP9RzY
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeZY6CznqIw
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmVxY0FbyBx
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq3rE6Duf5M
連傾訴都不真誠。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnIiV1xJ6qo
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdllo1LnBy1
不開心又不去死。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq5aZVQENYu
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTtAvHtcQIt
不去死又不改變。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo89C7Tgeh4
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7xdn7rO6gE
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvGUCjMzuiC
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNTqK7LtMvU
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGAZb6PHRp5
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbu3QeZ1YuX
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuHNDb2ewbX
322Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLNiQG4kddA
然後按「加至主畫面」