穿上周立沖的衣服,林蓁便一起躺在床上。134Please respect copyright.PENANAi5dNbvFKlx
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他舉著平板電腦,二人一起看YouTube,她卻失神——134Please respect copyright.PENANAbyOIwEa56y
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想起,方才輔導員重複問她:134Please respect copyright.PENANAoYTy72sKYX
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「你有過自殺嘅經驗?可唔可以講吓係點㗎?」134Please respect copyright.PENANAbxHX0T4Bx9
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原先,她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小,支支吾吾,說:134Please respect copyright.PENANALm8JgwLsip
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「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥,嗰陣時,無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲,「好失敗啊可?」134Please respect copyright.PENANADf1eJwXuWt
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「好彩你無事,先可以嚟到呢度。」134Please respect copyright.PENANAbp9ResTPxS
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輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷,在紙上抄抄寫寫;再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後,輔導員說,兩天後,可以見輔導員,如有需要就去看精神科。134Please respect copyright.PENANAbDXRm71kTw
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原來對著陌生人說話,比起與認識的人坦露真心容易,原來。134Please respect copyright.PENANAtmHgOIqnY3
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反正只是見幾次,不需顧及印象及形象,而且,輔導員們見得太多人,越是獨特身份才越會害怕。134Please respect copyright.PENANAxV0HMev2su
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林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順,除了需費時組織,就像談論好天氣。134Please respect copyright.PENANAN1xdPpCAaO
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在等待確認下次見面日期時,她坐在房間外的沙發,也有學生一樣落座,和她對視,又移開目光。134Please respect copyright.PENANAA9OfrV5Lte
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「Counsellor話你唔算好急,下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得?」134Please respect copyright.PENANAPKpldOu3y6
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櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生,他點點頭,應一句好。134Please respect copyright.PENANAOyFOvT0Uim
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當下,林蓁心驚,大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢?如果一個人,不是下一秒就要死,但也是非常傷心,只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務,最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」,該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮,是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺,所以才有機會優先見輔導?134Please respect copyright.PENANACIKxTCZg70
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可是,現在她還想活下去,其實也是「唔急」。134Please respect copyright.PENANApoPJm3sBri
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從輔導中心出來,雨下得很大。134Please respect copyright.PENANAKWMWLcsC10
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林蓁感覺,身體像要化在雨中,融成空絕,才罕有地主動致電周立沖,與他見面。然後,躲到室內,看雨落啊落。134Please respect copyright.PENANA1MNGTeQGIr
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溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後,周立沖親吻林蓁,然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓,她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。134Please respect copyright.PENANAh1xjcbcRoK
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「鍾意你。」他說。134Please respect copyright.PENANA7kV9J2GzL4
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「我都係。」她應。134Please respect copyright.PENANAmk3o7EcAUw
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誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。134Please respect copyright.PENANAOifypEG355
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只有食物是安全的,吃進口裡,質感、味道,作不了假,落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實,像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中,本來怎樣空虛也好,最後還是落地,暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息,一時安心總是重要的。134Please respect copyright.PENANAxphfQSFrxP
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「好唔好食啊?有無太鹹?」134Please respect copyright.PENANAqaIbeXvhL1
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「好好食,咩都啱啱好!」134Please respect copyright.PENANAeAtUBjcNMv
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「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯,之前同佢出面食,一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。134Please respect copyright.PENANAGhxdaC8nOB
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「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。134Please respect copyright.PENANA7YZwN7Bm1I
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二人過後做愛、入睡。134Please respect copyright.PENANAUulAx2zbO0
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林蓁沒有告知輔導員,和周立沖現在的關係,她只是說有一個喜歡的人,但不能一起。她怕被批判。134Please respect copyright.PENANAJtid6wt98r
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與前度再遇,又沒有建立承諾,無名無分,但有肉體上的交纏,這是不道德的關係,也罷;最怕是被人知道,自己愛而不得,迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊,壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘,漸漸,也不知目的。134Please respect copyright.PENANAtqqzRc966t
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她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待,這令她想起父親。所以,每次談到現在,她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。134Please respect copyright.PENANATt8YTehPQg
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即使,她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己,還是,無法讓身邊的人知道。134Please respect copyright.PENANASKlxRzdO88
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無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——134Please respect copyright.PENANAJIb6WoyN3j
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哎吔,佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。134Please respect copyright.PENANATiCTxtN3yB
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哎吔,你到底想唔想要幸福?再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩?134Please respect copyright.PENANApIdNqpniPS
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哎吔,你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢?134Please respect copyright.PENANA1Zs60tEgyG
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哎吔,佢個心喺人哋度,同你共對,連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。134Please respect copyright.PENANAbm1357LWEU
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哎吔,你想要人陪,定係要佢陪?134Please respect copyright.PENANA3JdsLccRR0
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她糊糊塗塗。134Please respect copyright.PENANAyRpVL1bRDe
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總之,她繼續與周立沖交纏。134Please respect copyright.PENANATqZbvh3FaJ
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最怕空虛。134Please respect copyright.PENANAJAhVrxgnIE
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/134Please respect copyright.PENANASk7ucn4krX
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兩天後,林蓁與輔導員見面。134Please respect copyright.PENANA1DzJTzNLcn
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輔導員頭髮長長,笑容極具感染力,整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑,像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能,或出於禮貌,林蓁變得熱情,一來就講講講,不斷敍述。134Please respect copyright.PENANA1KmFvznp4j
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她唸心理學,也讀過輔導課程,很快便引入自己的情況,分門別類,強調自己沒有想死,日常「高功能」,生活如常。134Please respect copyright.PENANAghqR3f8j1N
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「你放鬆啲先,放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事,我哋逐樣逐樣,仔細少少咁講。」這次,輔導員沒有笑。134Please respect copyright.PENANAqswCHWo2O0
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「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。134Please respect copyright.PENANAO6RfHQCUjL
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發現自己「有啲唔對路」,是一向自詡記性甚好的她,常常忘記發生過的事,在聽別人說話時,無法專心。134Please respect copyright.PENANAPwFnCF4KHC
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她在兼職送外賣時失神,回神發現自己竟越行越遠,凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有,令她後知後覺的害怕是,時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地,一刻清醒,完全無法辨認身在何方,沒有任何步行的記憶。最初,她還戲想,難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移?但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體,只讓她肯定:不是!不是!哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。134Please respect copyright.PENANA0jaHadWlDJ
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她不過在日常之中夢遊。134Please respect copyright.PENANAarepINuJZG
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「幾時開始呢?」輔導員問。134Please respect copyright.PENANAkaGe0Cxfhi
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「上年12月開始。」134Please respect copyright.PENANA3rgq4T7qJy
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「頻率係?」134Please respect copyright.PENANALhei6tr0aH
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「幾日一次?我都唔肯定。」134Please respect copyright.PENANAOZ8nNzJum2
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「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因?」134Please respect copyright.PENANAyjQFoIYgA6
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「可以咁講,我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。134Please respect copyright.PENANABrZPhjj9UT
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她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度,只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了,她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處,她還是希望輔導中心理一理她,但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明,她有半年多時間「夢遊」,此前也常常覺得生活無望——134Please respect copyright.PENANAm9075IYtPK
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喂,但活來活去都未死!扮咩抑鬱啫,真係有事就快啲自殺啦。134Please respect copyright.PENANAhbu74CAFec
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——其實你講嚟講去,都係呢啲。134Please respect copyright.PENANA4XQyMN8sU9
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——如果真係咁辛苦,不如試吓踏出第一步改變?134Please respect copyright.PENANAD4ke68aK0T
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恍神間,她想起舊時的自己,時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰,也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故,所以,她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人,不是陽光、樂觀、積極,正正是可以共情一些負能量,才可給予易地而處的回應。134Please respect copyright.PENANAGngQQgCPZM
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然而,可能是形象予人的印象太深刻,當她後來主動談起自己,除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心,以後,誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色,沒有那麼流通,稍一不慎便失序,亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵,接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。134Please respect copyright.PENANAKKlWuJkjUJ
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——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢?134Please respect copyright.PENANAki60dWJy1g
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——過去嘅事,都係要睇開啲㗎啦。134Please respect copyright.PENANA9IQ9Bi2j8W
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認識一個人,和他說過去、現在、未來,這些那些時空的自己,若要以言語裝載,又不知落點何在。134Please respect copyright.PENANAG5mm4Y9ujc
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後來她說出口,由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事,其實也是那些,然而,從聆聽角度上,也許太沒有新鮮感,因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試,怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉,多加兩朵花。譬如,在說她失去舊愛人時,則會提起「今天出門時,見到他」。134Please respect copyright.PENANAP2yKlYPQOE
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連傾訴都不真誠。134Please respect copyright.PENANABfDi4bY2Wo
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不開心又不去死。134Please respect copyright.PENANAC2t3j0kpU6
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不去死又不改變。134Please respect copyright.PENANAQy0ohKGvUy
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林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通,又補充:134Please respect copyright.PENANArPgsaVGVlt
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「但佢哋其實係我朋友,都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我,只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事,真係值得唔開心,或者,唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我,話自己以前都經歷過,嚴重得多,所有嘢都會過去,只要願意。只係我無辦法。」134Please respect copyright.PENANAkM2h4uJJhR
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無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。134Please respect copyright.PENANApq9OyEzJx0
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