穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCYP4DsYTJA
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc6E02sFOgi
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5nt5I9sBvT
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu0j2JEVEBm
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuNhH3Boqet
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQGxanxbUEW
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ764JMw4IQN
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSqwOaObPro
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxfLIUU5vvM
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6JAOBrriuA
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqrx6awL6PI
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiK6RwzLMjt
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIj1wJqT8IW
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEjSt5EMZfl
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUYDNteWRok
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Kp2frTvEW
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQmclLO8iqA
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTvygkKTvTy
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡneMYeY0e7w
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsB4CQl5VdM
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡasfOOyym9D
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡehcvxVvOWO
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAJkOnF6g0b
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqTHWQh6NuD
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAvH3yBrT7M
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6DONSu8XG5
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8d4enbFKtd
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk3u7k7kpZa
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrdGqiF4jME
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiJBhPABD5e
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIZO5roAVP2
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnV1wXibIuH
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡml5wuWemyO
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1QgGwCOINS
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ44dgdYKJ46
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmbt4DYzwT3
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6KLGr7oIa2
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpa7hwBHgkX
「鍾意你。」他說。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJN4XU8xgDx
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsKouSVOQiJ
「我都係。」她應。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ7GSLtYnpq
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyiZIAXclwR
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1OlKn3On9j
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb2q4ss95lz
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA3G8UhkGbl
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTt46AFdDxW
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXh3UgJDYPB
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Y5Yxf34qL
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWLIBHTaRbZ
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9xBKyUVcFX
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsJP52HbdYX
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmONZg3LcFR
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzlExPgdf54
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcvyB1CXQ72
二人過後做愛、入睡。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDLwUrPXV7t
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqefBj79JPt
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVMEwW6IFFd
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiMW7ze0Jl9
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkv9595jVgn
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVWH4P6SeZC
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkWKfbrPEWk
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfRJHZnU903
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnov71WpMAx
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5KIcNIz0XL
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXNSwjAXRVI
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCRK33l8NGG
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqVqJKhAOnX
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHABi9IDiof
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZiHNyHjjSq
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLvCGyY6s4A
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUwGW6jMvIg
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFbpYsU1vYi
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdsYjQyjZd9
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqtLmjImmZN
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTKBwMluPV8
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7d9Dv382cV
她糊糊塗塗。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9SSYQup9pW
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG08Ae1HX3Z
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDf75XxIuV0
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtHgGO9uJbG
最怕空虛。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5PIipTSY46
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡInAgFr1t4K
/418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVwzpTWRkpR
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHy42ExCivc
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2AwPZ1OQXZ
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ7L2eMRIRD
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMbgCVGETna
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvlfBpEpcj6
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWO6taJk2gc
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1fh0taWuUh
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJiAapmolwb
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6XfuMh1bOm
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtqP2EuRLZR
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9q7NcciDHP
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Om1jjJ1US
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVoAqqvjBKO
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzkpd60HC6G
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6GwwwXNW6Q
她不過在日常之中夢遊。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxj5153leg9
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXOmsUk7gw0
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGqzSEsfOyx
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnd3ZhhrvR7
「上年12月開始。」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWBjr6gnvih
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFjjDDB5f7d
「頻率係？」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAv13FKLzFC
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbZoxLgHpKt
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIGNeemMsgR
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVYVVJi7rAH
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOVabrT0DzE
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeY74GG6BAj
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Ts80tWcnP
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr5HwPWOBNX
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTOwxpWTEqY
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSzD4xkT7i4
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz5Nnend2cH
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLjTwy9maxA
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3iDvY94Wnm
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRXIZufsOAM
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwhpj0FqO3u
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOUTpfNPBUd
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD2oNfDxhDf
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1GtmwsUUTu
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgIVpf8AiPe
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaH1axCJKPb
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ49ECQJgNBw
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHkk9UCtX3l
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYSPT0HRinB
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmYAJ8LSxXp
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfBr43aDYvW
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9N6RXJmco7
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfs7o7q0vfX
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4dGASCpJXE
連傾訴都不真誠。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoyBpQy1VW3
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0435EEuuq7
不開心又不去死。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSJr0P3GqUf
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaNszP9fdv3
不去死又不改變。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAnZOwYniA7
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZdlaQMMzxD
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡio7VmrTZrw
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQkRXzKNqI
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQkYm4TWlnc
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB4aDFEuJSa
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqGQLy1AEoC
418Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwBm53KErrI
然後按「加至主畫面」