No Plagiarism!Q5hHi92zwFBOltehg2Lfposted on PENANA
零器8964 copyright protection458PENANAPAwaMtr2eH 維尼
廣告回來462Please respect copyright.PENANAZfsdfkNa0Z
再次歡迎大家收看8964 copyright protection458PENANAFimBi0zQh0 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection458PENANAdMEkuV9XMA 維尼
Helloooooooo8964 copyright protection458PENANAU3s4u7ounw 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection458PENANAG2tcy5gwoz 維尼
廣告前,12位參賽者經過的選擇門462Please respect copyright.PENANA4Khq13U0qK
當中只有4位通過462Please respect copyright.PENANA2WJtcZb933
一位得到誠意✊✊的機會!462Please respect copyright.PENANAGV3eod0MEt
接下來就看看其他11位囉8964 copyright protection458PENANA61xwGoxG4z 維尼
首先第一位登場的是462Please respect copyright.PENANA0vUxT6U6sD
子鶱的作品——8964 copyright protection458PENANA0bmZwztlg7 維尼
462Please respect copyright.PENANACwar0ETcAf
8964 copyright protection458PENANA8WO5dphgQC 維尼
七十•七萬•七十億8964 copyright protection458PENANARibAnWts47 維尼
462Please respect copyright.PENANA8Fg928ziyf
8964 copyright protection458PENANAurrOlk5SpU 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection458PENANAvH1Qn0cmxS 維尼
以阿美的明星夢起夢醒貫穿,故事完整,也能帶出作者想表達的意思。462Please respect copyright.PENANApVLETCFAG6
可是,整個故事有點流水帳的感覺,角色的塑造亦不夠立體,未能使讀者代入角色的遭遇,如果能多加描述,將字數拉長至兩倍左右,應該會更感人。8964 copyright protection458PENANAvG0vi8Cgnw 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection458PENANAKgUNenjcAh 維尼
我一直幫本篇作品改了個花名做下一站天后,因為我覺得是個很「追明星夢」的題材,而且故事完整度頗高,所以我對本作頗為讚賞。462Please respect copyright.PENANAP6BVNUsfUg
同意紀言的觀點,就是故事有少少流水賬,編排與節奏上仍有改進空間。462Please respect copyright.PENANApOrcDRJ1l7
作者把四千字全部聚焦在阿美身上,使其經歷飽滿地刻畫了出來,可惜的是阿美的塑造略嫌平板缺少深度,雖然經歷有了,心路歷程都有了,但缺少了點立體感。462Please respect copyright.PENANAZGQwSiyB5E
可中段的故事也平淡了點,而且因為所有焦點都聚焦在阿美身上,其他角色就相對模糊了一點,其實還有六千字,有些位都可以盡量刻畫下,豐富一下其他角色,這樣或許會更好。8964 copyright protection458PENANAZwyFcuBp10 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection458PENANAjJvD6Y08SM 維尼
相當不錯的故事佈局,更起了首尾呼應的效果。462Please respect copyright.PENANAxW8qFU65Cb
從女主角(阿SA!?)被紙醉金迷的世界繼而忘掉初衷,到最後重新回到起點之地,想回了那個熱愛歌唱的自己。462Please respect copyright.PENANAqlKiUd5dZ0
值得提醒的是,文筆略有待改進。462Please respect copyright.PENANAP5pKnYxd88
若行文再嚴謹一點,這篇作品足以進入前十之列。8964 copyright protection458PENANAsTA2YR08KP 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection458PENANApfIpmFwkLB 維尼
三位都已經給出了意見了462Please respect copyright.PENANAQxnd9OhAqi
到底這篇下一站天后會得到多少⭕️呢?462Please respect copyright.PENANAtyRQQLgqEl
準備好了嗎?8964 copyright protection458PENANA3wVZiL8dr2 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection458PENANAzATtB0464S 維尼
ok8964 copyright protection458PENANA6wPxm13RL6 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection458PENANA2uNYYYoHx9 維尼
我們來8964 copyright protection458PENANAdDVRfwOdtJ 維尼
3462Please respect copyright.PENANAO8MGDgfa8k
2462Please respect copyright.PENANAKwqmxfI8X6
18964 copyright protection458PENANAmNUrNFIKdF 維尼
8964 copyright protection458PENANAxqhWDXZlEs 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection458PENANAV9TNfCnxru 維尼
對不起QAQ8964 copyright protection458PENANAtq5rcO1JF2 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection458PENANAc3RglATrox 維尼
……462Please respect copyright.PENANAI3rFmlmHW7
又是可怕的三叉!462Please respect copyright.PENANAmSFavORFwe
三位有甚麼想安慰一下的嗎?8964 copyright protection458PENANAoqZG5pA5Be 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection458PENANALGh32vkLwV 維尼
QAQ8964 copyright protection458PENANACI2cBemyQ8 維尼
我覺得........................462Please respect copyright.PENANApGksrOh8ou
(細聲說)是圈太少了..8964 copyright protection458PENANAXMyHlICjzp 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection458PENANAU3Oqg6f2Wk 維尼
不錯的作品,奈何對手強勁8964 copyright protection458PENANAU3GiUahO3I 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection458PENANAs8bsyu2hcH 維尼
期待復活賽再見8964 copyright protection458PENANAN8gzAs0SO6 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection458PENANAefqx5N6gvc 維尼
嗯,評語上面都說得差不多了。462Please respect copyright.PENANAZbDS70MqS3
其實可以從中見到作者的潛力的。不要灰心,復活賽再見!8964 copyright protection458PENANAeUnDnVmPWy 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection458PENANANJ8sUEG8kT 維尼
子鶱,聽到了嗎?要加油哦!8964 copyright protection458PENANAQI2Ez7eTDx 維尼
好的。462Please respect copyright.PENANA9SVEJ0Zgjy
接下來上場的參賽者是……462Please respect copyright.PENANAiZhwUMwhFj
migt的作品——8964 copyright protection458PENANAhH1atsJZtf 維尼
462Please respect copyright.PENANAdlAodNKEMN
8964 copyright protection458PENANA1gov3FzQmW 維尼
十年回魂8964 copyright protection458PENANAkNpobHUDRz 維尼
462Please respect copyright.PENANA5yFcO5EsUc
8964 copyright protection458PENANAx9hii59e6d 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection458PENANA6raEj4DYxG 維尼
氣氛營造得相當不錯,真的會讓人覺得毛毛的感覺。462Please respect copyright.PENANA6a3LRpGp3s
只可惜的是沒有故事,就變成單純作者氣氛把控的show。462Please respect copyright.PENANAaQVdH5QlXN
哎喲其實還有六千字左右,不妨把它完成了嘛。462Please respect copyright.PENANAIJc2VRN5yk
現在太過意猶未盡,未必是件好事哦。8964 copyright protection458PENANAyw7hhdDp6B 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection458PENANAxiELYKDeYO 維尼
東南很怕鬼故的……(奸笑)462Please respect copyright.PENANAtKAGVIFKDp
不過也認同恐怖氣氛營造得不俗喇,但是日記形式的解謎會使讀者的投入感減低,最後的高潮位如能將懸疑感再推上一層相信會更佳。8964 copyright protection458PENANAkqRJpmvytr 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection458PENANAtKtUblvLiJ 維尼
一開始看下去,氣氛等等都營造得相當不錯,令我心生期待。462Please respect copyright.PENANAotRSznpumh
算是不錯的驚慄故事,也相當切題。只是建議在故事中對於主人公再多一點的描寫,若是太過於執著劇情、驚慄的故事而忽略了對主角的描寫,讀者難以替主角感到緊張繼而代入。462Please respect copyright.PENANAfndqIu7NCu
再恐怖一點,恐怕東南就不敢看了嘿嘿。8964 copyright protection458PENANAX18zQ4QeNZ 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection458PENANABUqmbNLl3p 維尼
這部讓人毛毛的作品462Please respect copyright.PENANAvWPAx1uCBZ
到底又逃不逃得過三叉的下場呢?462Please respect copyright.PENANAeEhMQOfK4j
準備好了吧?462Please respect copyright.PENANAypAy1JyxhY
一起來8964 copyright protection458PENANAyUnZdLRVqC 維尼
3462Please respect copyright.PENANA21goTSYbNk
2462Please respect copyright.PENANAEEQ32MsbsH
18964 copyright protection458PENANAl93fvqBOwt 維尼
8964 copyright protection458PENANA1joaUx5ZgT 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection458PENANAEiLaXI2ZJg 維尼
可惡!8964 copyright protection458PENANA1RiB6Q2pGH 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection458PENANATHj7KVUd30 維尼
有點可惜~462Please respect copyright.PENANAsx7tIoo1e9
他的懸疑感很夠462Please respect copyright.PENANArWgZmdRbcx
只是劇情上稍有欠缺8964 copyright protection458PENANAsSWuDfN6ff 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection458PENANAraEWT5UXLc 維尼
評語上面也說清楚了。462Please respect copyright.PENANAPa7UTf3ytG
其實我覺得作者營造氣氛真的做得很好,奈何劇情上面確實差了點。462Please respect copyright.PENANARoDh6prLbm
希望繼續努力!復活賽再來一篇鬼故!衝啊!8964 copyright protection458PENANAI8JcAM5I6s 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection458PENANAoBx8IAp6ZX 維尼
若在故事劇情及人物多著墨,會是競爭前十的強力人選8964 copyright protection458PENANAnXRHFOuYU8 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection458PENANAmL7GydEBG5 維尼
期待復活戰讓東南嚇得不敢看!8964 copyright protection458PENANAmWRwMncEzF 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection458PENANA63jXToD6bZ 維尼
希望migt 能從評審們的建議中有所得益哦!462Please respect copyright.PENANAEdbTzZaqOq
然後重點是要嚇倒東南ww8964 copyright protection458PENANA2noBjSCeBQ 維尼
好了462Please respect copyright.PENANAIbKBTM6535
下一位參賽者又準備好上場囉462Please respect copyright.PENANAAb2iWi46yE
他是御林君,作品——8964 copyright protection458PENANAWEO9IQWRsV 維尼
462Please respect copyright.PENANAWiwUwhLTLM
8964 copyright protection458PENANActpcjGybKx 維尼
花開花落終有時,相逢相聚本無意8964 copyright protection458PENANA5EzSG2C2ZI 維尼
462Please respect copyright.PENANAqUjBNM9lOC
8964 copyright protection458PENANAwzCHJmBs79 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection458PENANA8qXHlYSrGA 維尼
文筆不俗,可惜的是故事過於平鋪直敘,而且盡量避免用對白推進故事,太多對白的話容易減低讀者看下去的意欲。8964 copyright protection458PENANAmpo8zyPtfx 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection458PENANAtqxinyO5wS 維尼
見到作者努力建立自己的行文風格,不過現時仍稍見沙石,相信假以時日會更精進。462Please respect copyright.PENANAfIxxwfMzvD
兩位主角的對比鮮明,如果劇情上能多加轉折應該會更佳。8964 copyright protection458PENANA2yt5PBKveh 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection458PENANAjS71wF4WFt 維尼
同意兩位看法,繼續加油。8964 copyright protection458PENANACl1YfplX5V 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection458PENANAhAtDCwQ2Xi 維尼
聽起來好像有點不太樂觀呢……8964 copyright protection458PENANAXyWzNyXaCP 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection458PENANA9Z8xGrvglm 維尼
沒事沒事…8964 copyright protection458PENANA0PoRrge9Wa 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection458PENANAFuvXVphZUN 維尼
不過沒關係462Please respect copyright.PENANAqpd0pVQU7f
御林君,我們一起來迎接結果吧!462Please respect copyright.PENANApbO8iakGjH
準備好了吧?8964 copyright protection458PENANALYrKXAZv6B 維尼
3462Please respect copyright.PENANAFNKE7fQTi4
2462Please respect copyright.PENANAUlaMH9NMMO
18964 copyright protection458PENANA4Ea2MtFhUs 維尼
8964 copyright protection458PENANAnRj5r4FCMX 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection458PENANARkw4N3yA2y 維尼
可惜了,謝謝御林君的參賽。462Please respect copyright.PENANAJhIJnPevyT
別忘了我們還有復活賽哦8964 copyright protection458PENANAEdyIvqwUhM 維尼
可怕的三叉已經出現了三次462Please respect copyright.PENANAeydZFKe4KZ
到底接下來的這位參賽者可以打破這局面了嗎?462Please respect copyright.PENANAqSeG3KGMsn
接下來的是……462Please respect copyright.PENANAKKVejxNFJW
文楓!8964 copyright protection458PENANAVOb62jUTl9 維尼
462Please respect copyright.PENANAdFNmMy3Ke1
8964 copyright protection458PENANAupRqQeCip7 維尼
星光,燭光和火光8964 copyright protection458PENANAFiKwJiXuwv 維尼
462Please respect copyright.PENANABG8i3eW5xf
8964 copyright protection458PENANAc7tpXoKbiC 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection458PENANAjm0rOtnfqN 維尼
頗具完成度的西方奇幻小說。462Please respect copyright.PENANAUNoJJYIXCl
開首的佈局讓我非常期待接下來的發展,可惜尾段有點趕,以致看上去有點虎頭蛇尾的感覺。462Please respect copyright.PENANAX7g8TtHZhs
故事去到中間時,十年後必須兩個死一個,其實是一個不錯的切入點,女巫與養女之間,對於這點其實可以寫多一點劇情。462Please respect copyright.PENANA5nFqLQRIuu
我不知道是因為時間太趕,還是作者有意為之,如今的收尾就顯得有點可惜了。8964 copyright protection458PENANAFZj85Tg7Pl 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection458PENANAvdoomrSV65 維尼
嘛,為了趕死線而草草收尾的事,大家也經歷過啊~以前大半部分來說,我還是很看好的。462Please respect copyright.PENANAiKQ3bKzLmH
獵巫的世界觀完整,故事感情細膩動人。462Please respect copyright.PENANAKcPb6isWq1
略嫌可惜的是結尾收得有點草率,沒有全部呼應前面的伏筆。8964 copyright protection458PENANArKWnMUYL2a 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection458PENANAH9BkSEfpBO 維尼
很難說的一部參賽作品。462Please respect copyright.PENANAsKAsusLG7b
前中段表現出色,但到後段直線下降,令心生強烈反差感。462Please respect copyright.PENANA16XVw5X7ie
以獵巫為背景,不論是女巫、惡魔及人類孩子的佈局也是相當有趣。462Please respect copyright.PENANA3AvRlcBbcW
只是結局有種草草了事的感覺,並沒能把前中段鋪墊良久的情感進行爆發,有點可惜。462Please respect copyright.PENANAe4buPPYY7I
宏觀整部作品仍屬不錯的作品,很期待你的進步及完整的故事作品。8964 copyright protection458PENANAmXIh9SLnFA 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection458PENANAAqKTZ84dXa 維尼
這部西方奇幻的作品462Please respect copyright.PENANAU6f9eVkdBv
可以得到評審們的青睞嗎?8964 copyright protection458PENANAVIujWsouDX 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection458PENANAnUlq7QXkLg 維尼
嗯……462Please respect copyright.PENANA6x2vvJE5a2
這個需要慎重考慮(認真8964 copyright protection458PENANA6clVqvjf1Y 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection458PENANAs33V391VN4 維尼
= =|||462Please respect copyright.PENANAiiiuxBHhYu
唉462Please respect copyright.PENANA2O59EJjTlN
這個真有點糾結8964 copyright protection458PENANAFFdelYdLKo 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection458PENANAMUVtQTwUrO 維尼
嘛⋯⋯8964 copyright protection458PENANAEbTr8il1xz 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection458PENANAJS1XC3bjCz 維尼
三位還需要點時間嗎?8964 copyright protection458PENANAffhHbTcO74 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection458PENANA84OMfYA5np 維尼
但按實力而言應該沒問題的462Please respect copyright.PENANAY9X6oIu7GY
來吧462Please respect copyright.PENANA0VdOjpCrH7
要來終究要來8964 copyright protection458PENANAXhV9eOs73x 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection458PENANAIFdILpMeeK 維尼
來!8964 copyright protection458PENANAN9Ei3RBgAB 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection458PENANAFCbKUtc0bZ 維尼
來囉8964 copyright protection458PENANAPopug9e0G5 維尼
3462Please respect copyright.PENANAzZpa81CxPW
2462Please respect copyright.PENANAJVSYptdviK
18964 copyright protection458PENANAoCRmg1yaAg 維尼
8964 copyright protection458PENANADOgs1IQHS4 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection458PENANAidCXd025Qy 維尼
.......................8964 copyright protection458PENANAdvny7BnBn0 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection458PENANAjySR7pDFZP 維尼
……8964 copyright protection458PENANA9mW9KzR51f 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection458PENANA1WTLsBAePb 維尼
Nani462Please respect copyright.PENANAsp1sc3sqgb
⋯⋯⋯⋯8964 copyright protection458PENANANI6H1GQksL 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection458PENANA2fSjnppSfs 維尼
啊?你們怎麼不給圈?462Please respect copyright.PENANAfKlE891DZM
癡線8964 copyright protection458PENANAQJy5BtqULW 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection458PENANAJtpRz5sJi1 維尼
你們不是給圈嗎?8964 copyright protection458PENANAdTf0ibm7VR 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection458PENANAoBGtkLI001 維尼
可惜了……8964 copyright protection458PENANAX5PROTBP27 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection458PENANA4YGFfj0Wlr 維尼
我還以為⋯⋯462Please respect copyright.PENANAbfTyUwRFVT
慢著慢著8964 copyright protection458PENANA7dGJ1RWGqh 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection458PENANArcbVOEdVYw 維尼
喂喂喂8964 copyright protection458PENANA870sJKsiUB 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection458PENANA7pZC2BSllx 維尼
我沒有足夠的圈啦8964 copyright protection458PENANAmg34sKIimQ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection458PENANAFB3QpLnFV0 維尼
............462Please respect copyright.PENANAAlXfeZoL9e
哎呀........462Please respect copyright.PENANAmfArIsCe3x
我以為你們兩個圈我就省下一個8964 copyright protection458PENANA6QwQ6gP4Zw 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection458PENANA6xWxNV9M5w 維尼
這賽果462Please respect copyright.PENANAu6nma8It6X
讓人太震驚了8964 copyright protection458PENANAXKwyrvFFch 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection458PENANAQZNekIM9v4 維尼
先別到下一篇8964 copyright protection458PENANA9q4qBWs6qr 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection458PENANAsHYq38jdeZ 維尼
!!!!462Please respect copyright.PENANA3Va5mfj99E
紀師父!?8964 copyright protection458PENANA3X0mhIt4j7 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection458PENANAQY4kCJOmYn 維尼
8964 copyright protection458PENANAtbBDjrx9gD 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection458PENANAoQF3lpV67O 維尼
!!!!!!!!462Please respect copyright.PENANAza8t2v2ak6
把他給我救回來8964 copyright protection458PENANAjeXbkBJerz 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection458PENANAm93n1AjVDv 維尼
癡線462Please respect copyright.PENANAiZ1ygZD9rk
有沒有那麼帥氣8964 copyright protection458PENANAVwmOXMykdF 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection458PENANALcPjiXZqTw 維尼
竟然462Please respect copyright.PENANAYoUPErYIYC
是傳說中的拳法8964 copyright protection458PENANAQQS1hqWiSS 維尼
但你明明給❌462Please respect copyright.PENANAPb2WfD01n4
……8964 copyright protection458PENANAxphY1oGF0s 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection458PENANAugvgj1Lz7J 維尼
暴力救市8964 copyright protection458PENANAUniqSEcjpQ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection458PENANANwtubQfWGp 維尼
自己給❌然後自己給誠意拳拳462Please respect copyright.PENANAuLPCxJpjhK
女人很恐怖8964 copyright protection458PENANANv6T1JVoYp 維尼
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直接加入紀言的邀請進隊名單8964 copyright protection458PENANA2J5PSg7cFe 維尼
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我8964 copyright protection458PENANAkASJXtGatW 維尼
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看似簡單、簡短的短篇故事,卻帶出了平行時空、自我救贖的意味。462Please respect copyright.PENANAmfsgc85o7p
哪怕最後主角回到踢石頭的剎那,哪怕他沒能改變到甚麼,但內心大概也因為救了另一個平行時空的自己而感到欣慰吧。462Please respect copyright.PENANALC4OHPBcvP
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不過缺點是情節起伏不夠大,而且筆觸和主角一樣有點嘮叨(笑)。8964 copyright protection458PENANA8eGV90SSbM 維尼
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或許作者收到字數限制,許多場景快速帶過,結果導致缺少了角色應有的反應,而讓讀者覺得出戲。462Please respect copyright.PENANAjl8CpR7s6B
在這字數與這題材裏,或許建議頭尾詳細寫,中間蒙太奇帶過,或許會好一點。8964 copyright protection458PENANAaJSEhZPU5z 維尼
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到底這個作品會得到怎樣的結果呢?462Please respect copyright.PENANAQiX8gu2URc
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他的故事8964 copyright protection458PENANA4EyUK6xvnv 維尼
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他洗版8964 copyright protection458PENANA7kWDbvBw0J 維尼
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片呢?8964 copyright protection458PENANADaqmj7jo7w 維尼
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摑了8964 copyright protection458PENANAUQ9vmPWYA3 維尼
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是次比賽中少見的古風小説,文筆縱帶點青澀但已見古意,情感方面仍需琢磨,但不失為一部處女佳作。8964 copyright protection458PENANA7u7k0RvVi8 維尼
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處女作而言已算不錯,加油!8964 copyright protection458PENANA8COOJBSNOD 維尼
古風掌握得到位,雖然劇情方面稍微薄弱,但文筆秀麗同整個武俠感的塑造十分成功,讓整體瑕不掩瑜,值得一讚。462Please respect copyright.PENANASLxehcbcX9
劇情方面有少少以倒敘與插敘的方式寫郡主與師叔的感情。462Please respect copyright.PENANAclvNFjOQBk
這樣的手法雖無不可,但建議可以從多一點的角度去描寫,從不同人的視覺豐富兩個角色。462Please respect copyright.PENANAVDVTbxNcJ9
而師徒戀在宋朝絕對是禁忌,這點也可以透過劇情發揮多點。8964 copyright protection458PENANAolRZ7mY6Kf 維尼
最後一句,加入我隊伍啦!歡迎你!8964 copyright protection458PENANASKlM2x0K40 維尼
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咳咳咳現在就開始搶人了……8964 copyright protection458PENANAWEvNeLbHxz 維尼
很不錯的武俠小說參賽作品,要在短短篇幅撰寫出武俠及江湖是一件相當困難的事情。但筆者還是做了,而且相當成功。462Please respect copyright.PENANAhr1PwDVpRn
最出色還是當中的文筆相當成熟,用詞遣字非常出色。462Please respect copyright.PENANAumMJXJKlFY
只要在劇情那邊多補回一些不足,將會是相當有潛力的。462Please respect copyright.PENANA2tJN5m7N5F
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這古風、這武俠的作品……8964 copyright protection458PENANAs7tmxte1ZN 維尼
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我們一起來看看囉~462Please respect copyright.PENANAPyaNNJeSoE
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呼……(拍胸8964 copyright protection458PENANATWYXuHDD3C 維尼
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呵呵呵8964 copyright protection458PENANAte2opgZPTB 維尼
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恐怖的女人8964 copyright protection458PENANA7scY81LN7n 維尼
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好了www8964 copyright protection458PENANAkBblmI06rA 維尼
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恭喜8964 copyright protection458PENANARJNUJlqzT6 維尼
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恭喜日勻進入候選區哦8964 copyright protection458PENANACPZU1zvY8p 維尼
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哦,他到了。462Please respect copyright.PENANAE1Fod3qH1d
他是1號參賽者香淚月8964 copyright protection458PENANADfj2jVAB9E 維尼
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一夜十年8964 copyright protection458PENANAMM7jd65IAn 維尼
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文筆不俗,但要注意下故事編排與節奏。462Please respect copyright.PENANARBOy37UNuC
當中父親死因屬於高潮位,雖然情緒是做到出來了,但也無可奈何,變成「噢是這樣嗎?只能這樣了」的感覺。462Please respect copyright.PENANA4nzvIn71aC
當然這種是最「真實」的,但作為說故事而言,或許前段的鋪排多點說父親身體如何壯健,從來沒有病,到中段主角懷疑父親是有暗病,自顧自憐埋怨不幸,到最後才發現真相,讓她決心離去。462Please respect copyright.PENANAqL88Kf5iv2
有了這樣的起承轉合,讀者才會比較容易代入你筆下角色的心路歷程。8964 copyright protection458PENANABcspYkgx9d 維尼
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同意文筆的部分,但作者確實在編排與節奏方面有待改進。親情的互動頗感人和細膩,可惜開首鋪墊不足,末段又結束得太快。462Please respect copyright.PENANA8rDYAWvvQA
由於作者只寫了三千多字,而且是第一個交稿的,應該還很有發展的空間。462Please respect copyright.PENANAr6VTpJMD41
文筆不錯,不過也許受題目影響,文中多次出現「十年」二字,就顯得有點刻意貼題了。8964 copyright protection458PENANAZIrezqU7Ft 維尼
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文筆方面兩位都交帶得差不多。462Please respect copyright.PENANAEe4PcBFtbR
故事作品的描寫代表作者對世界、社會的想法,但奈何故事性有所欠缺。462Please respect copyright.PENANA5Hgg8UFDS9
比起小說,更傾向散文。462Please respect copyright.PENANAIuatVP5ZX8
宜加強橋段的構思,仔細反思故事橋段並從中表達自己想要表達的意思,或有奇效。8964 copyright protection458PENANA4bnZaOZOr8 維尼
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行文用字,可以打動三位嗎?462Please respect copyright.PENANA9wUkJjD1sM
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一起來!8964 copyright protection458PENANAwIQuTCZZTj 維尼
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嗯462Please respect copyright.PENANAnQ7loxkvAj
文筆是很秀麗的,可造之材,希望繼續努力!8964 copyright protection458PENANAdi6VbbuWNs 維尼
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如果交稿後能花多點時間再修飾,應該也是能一爭的喇8964 copyright protection458PENANAYv9NxEn9wL 維尼
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別氣餒,還有復活的機會的!8964 copyright protection458PENANAG1qNCGml9q 維尼
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【下集預告】8964 copyright protection458PENANAyvznGwzRdG 維尼
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我錯了8964 copyright protection458PENANA6Y4WFfTAYK 維尼
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