No Plagiarism!CpkiSiG1iH7ezzBjPriwposted on PENANA
零器8964 copyright protection380PENANAPNJNZimxRv 維尼
廣告回來384Please respect copyright.PENANAKQkx0Rn0GP
再次歡迎大家收看8964 copyright protection380PENANAvZVdvHOj8K 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection380PENANAKHxqg65m2s 維尼
Helloooooooo8964 copyright protection380PENANA1BiBKwPMjc 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection380PENANAKGrlmedjv4 維尼
廣告前,12位參賽者經過的選擇門384Please respect copyright.PENANAZ4vE7Ty4RZ
當中只有4位通過384Please respect copyright.PENANAbrd0RCML42
一位得到誠意✊✊的機會!384Please respect copyright.PENANAbaTEZATUVF
接下來就看看其他11位囉8964 copyright protection380PENANARX6NLKUaTO 維尼
首先第一位登場的是384Please respect copyright.PENANAwFPR8WKaQc
子鶱的作品——8964 copyright protection380PENANANMJvaPQI2Z 維尼
384Please respect copyright.PENANAGDMVhjQjyq
8964 copyright protection380PENANAx4DhuFzkn7 維尼
七十•七萬•七十億8964 copyright protection380PENANAyhjH0ymE5p 維尼
384Please respect copyright.PENANA91P46z9z2B
8964 copyright protection380PENANAFUgB2mJ8YC 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection380PENANAc2OOvDmNCo 維尼
以阿美的明星夢起夢醒貫穿,故事完整,也能帶出作者想表達的意思。384Please respect copyright.PENANAcq3Z0SM9qy
可是,整個故事有點流水帳的感覺,角色的塑造亦不夠立體,未能使讀者代入角色的遭遇,如果能多加描述,將字數拉長至兩倍左右,應該會更感人。8964 copyright protection380PENANA14fEZdog8m 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection380PENANA5JTKVj8VL4 維尼
我一直幫本篇作品改了個花名做下一站天后,因為我覺得是個很「追明星夢」的題材,而且故事完整度頗高,所以我對本作頗為讚賞。384Please respect copyright.PENANAv57PPbgH05
同意紀言的觀點,就是故事有少少流水賬,編排與節奏上仍有改進空間。384Please respect copyright.PENANAmsFMaUHnWv
作者把四千字全部聚焦在阿美身上,使其經歷飽滿地刻畫了出來,可惜的是阿美的塑造略嫌平板缺少深度,雖然經歷有了,心路歷程都有了,但缺少了點立體感。384Please respect copyright.PENANAGOIs5jj6P5
可中段的故事也平淡了點,而且因為所有焦點都聚焦在阿美身上,其他角色就相對模糊了一點,其實還有六千字,有些位都可以盡量刻畫下,豐富一下其他角色,這樣或許會更好。8964 copyright protection380PENANABlJ6IaPYZT 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection380PENANAySxOX9v6EE 維尼
相當不錯的故事佈局,更起了首尾呼應的效果。384Please respect copyright.PENANA7LSCuyhEh4
從女主角(阿SA!?)被紙醉金迷的世界繼而忘掉初衷,到最後重新回到起點之地,想回了那個熱愛歌唱的自己。384Please respect copyright.PENANAFIKdYCmXZA
值得提醒的是,文筆略有待改進。384Please respect copyright.PENANAZgVkOT7PpQ
若行文再嚴謹一點,這篇作品足以進入前十之列。8964 copyright protection380PENANAiYDTEYnR6J 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection380PENANAgXiIP67pdQ 維尼
三位都已經給出了意見了384Please respect copyright.PENANAqNPA3bLOBx
到底這篇下一站天后會得到多少⭕️呢?384Please respect copyright.PENANANyWSyUK0U6
準備好了嗎?8964 copyright protection380PENANAukyMUf3zuu 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection380PENANAcj4bWNtxiu 維尼
ok8964 copyright protection380PENANAjP1j6yP3xX 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection380PENANAd7mFpYRTEq 維尼
我們來8964 copyright protection380PENANAg3Fg5GlQSM 維尼
3384Please respect copyright.PENANA9N8WS2x57T
2384Please respect copyright.PENANAPGdAfjeYsq
18964 copyright protection380PENANA2h7MKwS1iS 維尼
8964 copyright protection380PENANAAaPfMekmlX 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection380PENANADmAbGvcW1G 維尼
對不起QAQ8964 copyright protection380PENANA7JjNIHMCBY 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection380PENANAjH0bYHzoa6 維尼
……384Please respect copyright.PENANAjEUk3b6B8B
又是可怕的三叉!384Please respect copyright.PENANACIB0EPtLRl
三位有甚麼想安慰一下的嗎?8964 copyright protection380PENANAchYiYAxUGp 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection380PENANA85hyeJYdZn 維尼
QAQ8964 copyright protection380PENANAjRaV4PDOjb 維尼
我覺得........................384Please respect copyright.PENANADmWfRCHeak
(細聲說)是圈太少了..8964 copyright protection380PENANADyIcXvraG2 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection380PENANA4KGxRvuxN3 維尼
不錯的作品,奈何對手強勁8964 copyright protection380PENANAOIAagEib5q 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection380PENANAmMqvTVnFvF 維尼
期待復活賽再見8964 copyright protection380PENANAUyBiwZqTkj 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection380PENANAFPiGp5fAsE 維尼
嗯,評語上面都說得差不多了。384Please respect copyright.PENANAIpvGugIH2u
其實可以從中見到作者的潛力的。不要灰心,復活賽再見!8964 copyright protection380PENANAWHVjsgXImi 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection380PENANAw85fEjtLGP 維尼
子鶱,聽到了嗎?要加油哦!8964 copyright protection380PENANA8usIRQZgs7 維尼
好的。384Please respect copyright.PENANAnPe4iyJJoE
接下來上場的參賽者是……384Please respect copyright.PENANAJMK0n0mbRm
migt的作品——8964 copyright protection380PENANA60gvAfzMDy 維尼
384Please respect copyright.PENANAHZ721Sxf91
8964 copyright protection380PENANAv42rvfCajj 維尼
十年回魂8964 copyright protection380PENANAJcPN1WqdIL 維尼
384Please respect copyright.PENANA9KDqwzUCaz
8964 copyright protection380PENANAm39yjzJqQr 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection380PENANA9pMpWfuaTw 維尼
氣氛營造得相當不錯,真的會讓人覺得毛毛的感覺。384Please respect copyright.PENANAbfM01PODt2
只可惜的是沒有故事,就變成單純作者氣氛把控的show。384Please respect copyright.PENANA1XEZosIWbq
哎喲其實還有六千字左右,不妨把它完成了嘛。384Please respect copyright.PENANAieuXvDMSHL
現在太過意猶未盡,未必是件好事哦。8964 copyright protection380PENANAQxZSGOdXNw 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection380PENANAch2cBfoHKS 維尼
東南很怕鬼故的……(奸笑)384Please respect copyright.PENANAH7tua3CAqh
不過也認同恐怖氣氛營造得不俗喇,但是日記形式的解謎會使讀者的投入感減低,最後的高潮位如能將懸疑感再推上一層相信會更佳。8964 copyright protection380PENANA26MwryDT2P 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection380PENANA2zAOjk4v3u 維尼
一開始看下去,氣氛等等都營造得相當不錯,令我心生期待。384Please respect copyright.PENANAP8JLw6gomL
算是不錯的驚慄故事,也相當切題。只是建議在故事中對於主人公再多一點的描寫,若是太過於執著劇情、驚慄的故事而忽略了對主角的描寫,讀者難以替主角感到緊張繼而代入。384Please respect copyright.PENANAaRheVsSYRh
再恐怖一點,恐怕東南就不敢看了嘿嘿。8964 copyright protection380PENANARX9Qw2EqVM 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection380PENANAq2DQ2SOs9k 維尼
這部讓人毛毛的作品384Please respect copyright.PENANAW4KpDXbXRn
到底又逃不逃得過三叉的下場呢?384Please respect copyright.PENANA93AueRMJrL
準備好了吧?384Please respect copyright.PENANAnyJBPoThhn
一起來8964 copyright protection380PENANAMCos31we9r 維尼
3384Please respect copyright.PENANAKGf522Z1zQ
2384Please respect copyright.PENANA3PgvaxIKJp
18964 copyright protection380PENANA7NvMBtdyns 維尼
8964 copyright protection380PENANAvXICgc8ZRt 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection380PENANADxJ7iJs9Vk 維尼
可惡!8964 copyright protection380PENANAplJ7togIyc 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection380PENANAg05XwrcKJw 維尼
有點可惜~384Please respect copyright.PENANAezVpLmM9iq
他的懸疑感很夠384Please respect copyright.PENANAIGEu9mKUBw
只是劇情上稍有欠缺8964 copyright protection380PENANA0yBJnLZV8B 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection380PENANAUIWvIulhw1 維尼
評語上面也說清楚了。384Please respect copyright.PENANATWz3RBvkw2
其實我覺得作者營造氣氛真的做得很好,奈何劇情上面確實差了點。384Please respect copyright.PENANASvOiFvqVHg
希望繼續努力!復活賽再來一篇鬼故!衝啊!8964 copyright protection380PENANAdLZVXJcOGq 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection380PENANAepRm07gtdl 維尼
若在故事劇情及人物多著墨,會是競爭前十的強力人選8964 copyright protection380PENANA6qAebWbG69 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection380PENANAx8EPZfDF5g 維尼
期待復活戰讓東南嚇得不敢看!8964 copyright protection380PENANAcOcZhtaNL2 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection380PENANAIvS3o6ijJS 維尼
希望migt 能從評審們的建議中有所得益哦!384Please respect copyright.PENANAHsGB51J8zw
然後重點是要嚇倒東南ww8964 copyright protection380PENANAydqp6zFHIc 維尼
好了384Please respect copyright.PENANAR3DnIUhUd8
下一位參賽者又準備好上場囉384Please respect copyright.PENANAfH4Psf5Tox
他是御林君,作品——8964 copyright protection380PENANA4KNNXUbbOr 維尼
384Please respect copyright.PENANAcgfJVGfSi8
8964 copyright protection380PENANAT6UKPRgnbN 維尼
花開花落終有時,相逢相聚本無意8964 copyright protection380PENANAApJUgWuuXN 維尼
384Please respect copyright.PENANALy6JU6s50w
8964 copyright protection380PENANAAQ9XsPjYTW 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection380PENANAu8T5CS8FoC 維尼
文筆不俗,可惜的是故事過於平鋪直敘,而且盡量避免用對白推進故事,太多對白的話容易減低讀者看下去的意欲。8964 copyright protection380PENANAyupMkgj6dr 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection380PENANAGjCn8auOEX 維尼
見到作者努力建立自己的行文風格,不過現時仍稍見沙石,相信假以時日會更精進。384Please respect copyright.PENANAbdkgrnbhtF
兩位主角的對比鮮明,如果劇情上能多加轉折應該會更佳。8964 copyright protection380PENANA7S1Iv1Sa7D 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection380PENANAIHLwxHJV4l 維尼
同意兩位看法,繼續加油。8964 copyright protection380PENANAOSueW1evUY 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection380PENANA0ZUiv0R4aS 維尼
聽起來好像有點不太樂觀呢……8964 copyright protection380PENANAF7j1wLsadb 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection380PENANA8RnHFEwcMX 維尼
沒事沒事…8964 copyright protection380PENANAC8YhS0AyTn 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection380PENANAURv6JazJ2R 維尼
不過沒關係384Please respect copyright.PENANAvTWWGdRBbO
御林君,我們一起來迎接結果吧!384Please respect copyright.PENANAXr9lCLazjd
準備好了吧?8964 copyright protection380PENANAZBI0U11zVI 維尼
3384Please respect copyright.PENANAyURudCnzlF
2384Please respect copyright.PENANAmzk9zxArzv
18964 copyright protection380PENANAHnUkhdp2za 維尼
8964 copyright protection380PENANADqWPVENo0W 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection380PENANAhv1RTD7Z2L 維尼
可惜了,謝謝御林君的參賽。384Please respect copyright.PENANAyXf0Wwc12s
別忘了我們還有復活賽哦8964 copyright protection380PENANAMm6QfxsNVm 維尼
可怕的三叉已經出現了三次384Please respect copyright.PENANAKHGw9dE8Bi
到底接下來的這位參賽者可以打破這局面了嗎?384Please respect copyright.PENANAc2SxcY0EQo
接下來的是……384Please respect copyright.PENANA9S4deXFlad
文楓!8964 copyright protection380PENANAUKnUEObOg7 維尼
384Please respect copyright.PENANA4EinfgflPM
8964 copyright protection380PENANAK2hONsrJ21 維尼
星光,燭光和火光8964 copyright protection380PENANAYjbGvEJqF9 維尼
384Please respect copyright.PENANAIE81CV8rQ0
8964 copyright protection380PENANAfmCWR4kMQv 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection380PENANAm4WqcnAQop 維尼
頗具完成度的西方奇幻小說。384Please respect copyright.PENANAay3lZqIP21
開首的佈局讓我非常期待接下來的發展,可惜尾段有點趕,以致看上去有點虎頭蛇尾的感覺。384Please respect copyright.PENANAGM3730Epfp
故事去到中間時,十年後必須兩個死一個,其實是一個不錯的切入點,女巫與養女之間,對於這點其實可以寫多一點劇情。384Please respect copyright.PENANAwtUWwd6Rz6
我不知道是因為時間太趕,還是作者有意為之,如今的收尾就顯得有點可惜了。8964 copyright protection380PENANAJON3OeLUYS 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection380PENANA8J1p6GpRyy 維尼
嘛,為了趕死線而草草收尾的事,大家也經歷過啊~以前大半部分來說,我還是很看好的。384Please respect copyright.PENANADb0DXWeQMv
獵巫的世界觀完整,故事感情細膩動人。384Please respect copyright.PENANASZfhGltCdc
略嫌可惜的是結尾收得有點草率,沒有全部呼應前面的伏筆。8964 copyright protection380PENANAsOVYapIdwR 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection380PENANA1PnRbxoZdi 維尼
很難說的一部參賽作品。384Please respect copyright.PENANA55Ecprk0gV
前中段表現出色,但到後段直線下降,令心生強烈反差感。384Please respect copyright.PENANAC0ARG5QVX6
以獵巫為背景,不論是女巫、惡魔及人類孩子的佈局也是相當有趣。384Please respect copyright.PENANAPHOEEYPFux
只是結局有種草草了事的感覺,並沒能把前中段鋪墊良久的情感進行爆發,有點可惜。384Please respect copyright.PENANARzKkabvNd6
宏觀整部作品仍屬不錯的作品,很期待你的進步及完整的故事作品。8964 copyright protection380PENANAEGwqrAgk7o 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection380PENANAlu4f5VmvyF 維尼
這部西方奇幻的作品384Please respect copyright.PENANAFCTLGFMhY3
可以得到評審們的青睞嗎?8964 copyright protection380PENANA8aoEipM6Tt 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection380PENANAYctLDqxnjA 維尼
嗯……384Please respect copyright.PENANAMFcDw3xa1s
這個需要慎重考慮(認真8964 copyright protection380PENANA3sPLcFfmBF 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection380PENANALkCWQO2v3L 維尼
= =|||384Please respect copyright.PENANAbBsb5byHrV
唉384Please respect copyright.PENANAWBJbHxAs4V
這個真有點糾結8964 copyright protection380PENANAvoxPNBrAKn 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection380PENANANmqeQDNCPh 維尼
嘛⋯⋯8964 copyright protection380PENANA4vlJ70r0VA 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection380PENANAfWAo2LQYQN 維尼
三位還需要點時間嗎?8964 copyright protection380PENANAeviLFhuil6 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection380PENANAjkVkhedQ2Z 維尼
但按實力而言應該沒問題的384Please respect copyright.PENANAzHZRJ4emrQ
來吧384Please respect copyright.PENANAYXS9nPn8Js
要來終究要來8964 copyright protection380PENANAJcjbLw1n3v 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection380PENANA0B3JaCtbuX 維尼
來!8964 copyright protection380PENANA3DW34Jn03w 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection380PENANAznp1ilhauR 維尼
來囉8964 copyright protection380PENANA6rmsNjBNbM 維尼
3384Please respect copyright.PENANA4qlWAHvALB
2384Please respect copyright.PENANAFRaw1Id6fc
18964 copyright protection380PENANAKlBtJfGRBS 維尼
8964 copyright protection380PENANA9JjWxCkZeL 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection380PENANAmyNC46kz2H 維尼
.......................8964 copyright protection380PENANA2h4zZOwiCg 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection380PENANAxVesySiVA5 維尼
……8964 copyright protection380PENANAh8f9ljX8cL 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection380PENANA2uqyJanyIv 維尼
Nani384Please respect copyright.PENANAJurPiONxvY
⋯⋯⋯⋯8964 copyright protection380PENANAEkOK8c5D7D 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection380PENANACSIQtiF5o7 維尼
啊?你們怎麼不給圈?384Please respect copyright.PENANAJ3uQfSJc7e
癡線8964 copyright protection380PENANAMMxwV7akAP 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection380PENANAfdmfAKkj2x 維尼
你們不是給圈嗎?8964 copyright protection380PENANAJRwXWCNSuI 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection380PENANAgXg70BK3mt 維尼
可惜了……8964 copyright protection380PENANAhmKWGN5qKU 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection380PENANArNewQI2Qz5 維尼
我還以為⋯⋯384Please respect copyright.PENANAR1ImvoQwub
慢著慢著8964 copyright protection380PENANAN24m1SxwRT 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection380PENANA2TlmSPhz5I 維尼
喂喂喂8964 copyright protection380PENANAxN2TXaAfp7 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection380PENANAw3vePrpHbx 維尼
我沒有足夠的圈啦8964 copyright protection380PENANABdyRt7jdOO 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection380PENANAwJpHBCQq8c 維尼
............384Please respect copyright.PENANAfdop8qNPpt
哎呀........384Please respect copyright.PENANA3QzGrUykHa
我以為你們兩個圈我就省下一個8964 copyright protection380PENANA4pfWh7PtmV 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection380PENANA8JkZnyuroL 維尼
這賽果384Please respect copyright.PENANAz8Nx0H75Eo
讓人太震驚了8964 copyright protection380PENANAnvajwb070Z 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection380PENANAt2oPD7cwVy 維尼
先別到下一篇8964 copyright protection380PENANAqPXaAiVuDL 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection380PENANAGmUIPC28OS 維尼
!!!!384Please respect copyright.PENANAytfQxMlfHD
紀師父!?8964 copyright protection380PENANAy5ZsrsIS3J 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection380PENANAoLVXOvxs4x 維尼
8964 copyright protection380PENANA4m5QtD2tuu 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection380PENANAVTQqdovMbt 維尼
!!!!!!!!384Please respect copyright.PENANARP6NW88niE
把他給我救回來8964 copyright protection380PENANApcizqz5nRu 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection380PENANA1v6gjwpyzB 維尼
癡線384Please respect copyright.PENANAAI7ACpsBK8
有沒有那麼帥氣8964 copyright protection380PENANAbXHtkn9g1m 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection380PENANAWvg25BejKE 維尼
竟然384Please respect copyright.PENANATcGI1P5lbf
是傳說中的拳法8964 copyright protection380PENANALKkWFFRsWc 維尼
但你明明給❌384Please respect copyright.PENANAq5cyJ2eJyd
……8964 copyright protection380PENANAU5l3OwolrZ 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection380PENANAbE3LzRMNjv 維尼
暴力救市8964 copyright protection380PENANAprscJbIpup 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection380PENANAW5bDDQwVq7 維尼
自己給❌然後自己給誠意拳拳384Please respect copyright.PENANA6PHoLLmOFY
女人很恐怖8964 copyright protection380PENANAbRo45eV8lN 維尼
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好的,文楓獲得了紀言的「誠意✊✊」384Please respect copyright.PENANALA41lm11Cp
直接加入紀言的邀請進隊名單8964 copyright protection380PENANAnSNZazE8US 維尼
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我們要來看下一位囉384Please respect copyright.PENANA0HWGT1y8V1
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看似簡單、簡短的短篇故事,卻帶出了平行時空、自我救贖的意味。384Please respect copyright.PENANA1cBf2BTNh4
哪怕最後主角回到踢石頭的剎那,哪怕他沒能改變到甚麼,但內心大概也因為救了另一個平行時空的自己而感到欣慰吧。384Please respect copyright.PENANAdsWNw2xQje
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或許作者收到字數限制,許多場景快速帶過,結果導致缺少了角色應有的反應,而讓讀者覺得出戲。384Please respect copyright.PENANAZb4r3LOdRo
在這字數與這題材裏,或許建議頭尾詳細寫,中間蒙太奇帶過,或許會好一點。8964 copyright protection380PENANA4evx8Ohop8 維尼
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三叉上癮是不是8964 copyright protection380PENANAgnIGqkSzdi 維尼
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還不是因為你8964 copyright protection380PENANAsRNwbFTGDW 維尼
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沒辦法,現實就是殘酷的😢8964 copyright protection380PENANA8O7E49rWmf 維尼
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墨烙要加油哦~還有復活賽的機會呢!8964 copyright protection380PENANAhbDZEm3YVb 維尼
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他的故事8964 copyright protection380PENANAm61qjBOJhj 維尼
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他洗版8964 copyright protection380PENANAhIN3oMFjC5 維尼
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要禁也請讓我說一句話384Please respect copyright.PENANA3ji516G420
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摑了8964 copyright protection380PENANAbslhz9CwMI 維尼
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是次比賽中少見的古風小説,文筆縱帶點青澀但已見古意,情感方面仍需琢磨,但不失為一部處女佳作。8964 copyright protection380PENANA9EOLMxnnqo 維尼
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處女作而言已算不錯,加油!8964 copyright protection380PENANAzMo98MdK46 維尼
古風掌握得到位,雖然劇情方面稍微薄弱,但文筆秀麗同整個武俠感的塑造十分成功,讓整體瑕不掩瑜,值得一讚。384Please respect copyright.PENANA6zmQ5shBcB
劇情方面有少少以倒敘與插敘的方式寫郡主與師叔的感情。384Please respect copyright.PENANAnIovyGoV0Z
這樣的手法雖無不可,但建議可以從多一點的角度去描寫,從不同人的視覺豐富兩個角色。384Please respect copyright.PENANA3bSbhmZSXX
而師徒戀在宋朝絕對是禁忌,這點也可以透過劇情發揮多點。8964 copyright protection380PENANAwk30clDVzW 維尼
最後一句,加入我隊伍啦!歡迎你!8964 copyright protection380PENANAi3zH61U5Uz 維尼
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咳咳咳現在就開始搶人了……8964 copyright protection380PENANAzWoygm4TXi 維尼
很不錯的武俠小說參賽作品,要在短短篇幅撰寫出武俠及江湖是一件相當困難的事情。但筆者還是做了,而且相當成功。384Please respect copyright.PENANAxIaZfGPanp
最出色還是當中的文筆相當成熟,用詞遣字非常出色。384Please respect copyright.PENANANleMv7n2QE
只要在劇情那邊多補回一些不足,將會是相當有潛力的。384Please respect copyright.PENANAkIb3YMqDXd
期待你之後的表現。8964 copyright protection380PENANALnG28wXZj5 維尼
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這古風、這武俠的作品……8964 copyright protection380PENANAiCxTwU2D4b 維尼
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對啊,相信至少也會有一個圈吧?384Please respect copyright.PENANAozojwzgklX
我們一起來看看囉~384Please respect copyright.PENANAOgEVHKM4uA
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3384Please respect copyright.PENANAXGnEA8T9Ng
2384Please respect copyright.PENANAqKcr7kR3L9
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哦8964 copyright protection380PENANAQ8wDqaiWpx 維尼
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呼……(拍胸8964 copyright protection380PENANAqmecuz7Zma 維尼
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呵呵呵8964 copyright protection380PENANA1OPqyIz2py 維尼
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恐怖的女人8964 copyright protection380PENANAr4jBvZFT5x 維尼
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好了www8964 copyright protection380PENANAbT4u2TgmVo 維尼
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恭喜8964 copyright protection380PENANAQgLOqSrFux 維尼
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恭喜日勻進入候選區哦8964 copyright protection380PENANAApwiYpg1Sp 維尼
下一位呢?384Please respect copyright.PENANAHK0Fd0AGHv
哦,他到了。384Please respect copyright.PENANA8O96oEZq4Y
他是1號參賽者香淚月8964 copyright protection380PENANAlHaDQQhUni 維尼
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一夜十年8964 copyright protection380PENANAoi8AngkX5a 維尼
384Please respect copyright.PENANA4iNRpqyXr2
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文筆不俗,但要注意下故事編排與節奏。384Please respect copyright.PENANAoFJcb3tVZW
當中父親死因屬於高潮位,雖然情緒是做到出來了,但也無可奈何,變成「噢是這樣嗎?只能這樣了」的感覺。384Please respect copyright.PENANAgpmtomuCnS
當然這種是最「真實」的,但作為說故事而言,或許前段的鋪排多點說父親身體如何壯健,從來沒有病,到中段主角懷疑父親是有暗病,自顧自憐埋怨不幸,到最後才發現真相,讓她決心離去。384Please respect copyright.PENANA4KdXXzW7jE
有了這樣的起承轉合,讀者才會比較容易代入你筆下角色的心路歷程。8964 copyright protection380PENANAQ1usMzrxaD 維尼
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同意文筆的部分,但作者確實在編排與節奏方面有待改進。親情的互動頗感人和細膩,可惜開首鋪墊不足,末段又結束得太快。384Please respect copyright.PENANA5DattNEj7u
由於作者只寫了三千多字,而且是第一個交稿的,應該還很有發展的空間。384Please respect copyright.PENANAaLXU5efh2V
文筆不錯,不過也許受題目影響,文中多次出現「十年」二字,就顯得有點刻意貼題了。8964 copyright protection380PENANACCxf80e1kK 維尼
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文筆方面兩位都交帶得差不多。384Please respect copyright.PENANAsT0pBpf41b
故事作品的描寫代表作者對世界、社會的想法,但奈何故事性有所欠缺。384Please respect copyright.PENANABpVSVq7QPL
比起小說,更傾向散文。384Please respect copyright.PENANAsFSlSaZnHX
宜加強橋段的構思,仔細反思故事橋段並從中表達自己想要表達的意思,或有奇效。8964 copyright protection380PENANAnc31iUPtHM 維尼
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行文用字,可以打動三位嗎?384Please respect copyright.PENANAcFfw8zdDOs
三位準備好了吧?384Please respect copyright.PENANAMESrD3v5oS
一起來!8964 copyright protection380PENANAiU8RxTNY9h 維尼
3384Please respect copyright.PENANAPgYGrwLXy4
2384Please respect copyright.PENANAXQNFWKAUfX
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可惜了……8964 copyright protection380PENANA33BpfRGCWy 維尼
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嗯384Please respect copyright.PENANAJbsZrPjlou
文筆是很秀麗的,可造之材,希望繼續努力!8964 copyright protection380PENANAHHeGLenrey 維尼
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如果交稿後能花多點時間再修飾,應該也是能一爭的喇8964 copyright protection380PENANADek6UhO7EQ 維尼
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別氣餒,還有復活的機會的!8964 copyright protection380PENANAShrD2QLrBi 維尼
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繼續加油8964 copyright protection380PENANADdmPdhc1l3 維尼
【下集預告】8964 copyright protection380PENANAi5UcQVYHvp 維尼
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我錯了8964 copyright protection380PENANAfDae29yiqP 維尼
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