No Plagiarism!BWsSQKqB0uiyy7wGZ0giposted on PENANA
零器8964 copyright protection440PENANAnfHUBTqPEO 維尼
廣告回來444Please respect copyright.PENANA1vfU9ptt8z
再次歡迎大家收看8964 copyright protection440PENANAodpEszY4JY 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection440PENANAI4wZJq8sQk 維尼
Helloooooooo8964 copyright protection440PENANAiGQjgbeB4V 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection440PENANAJHQWM8zyPA 維尼
廣告前,12位參賽者經過的選擇門444Please respect copyright.PENANAT62VtvARZy
當中只有4位通過444Please respect copyright.PENANArCccimB0vW
一位得到誠意✊✊的機會!444Please respect copyright.PENANAl3ijj6F8Ny
接下來就看看其他11位囉8964 copyright protection440PENANAlr2s9PGRsM 維尼
首先第一位登場的是444Please respect copyright.PENANA96brE3TB21
子鶱的作品——8964 copyright protection440PENANAGA2cmDY7MY 維尼
444Please respect copyright.PENANAmLw6JUrVMi
8964 copyright protection440PENANAgcTbdXkO6X 維尼
七十•七萬•七十億8964 copyright protection440PENANA4ygERR6Da4 維尼
444Please respect copyright.PENANAgQXlvm7waz
8964 copyright protection440PENANAbXtiVtxxtx 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection440PENANAQLwJm5CDNU 維尼
以阿美的明星夢起夢醒貫穿,故事完整,也能帶出作者想表達的意思。444Please respect copyright.PENANAa3Hw1oX70D
可是,整個故事有點流水帳的感覺,角色的塑造亦不夠立體,未能使讀者代入角色的遭遇,如果能多加描述,將字數拉長至兩倍左右,應該會更感人。8964 copyright protection440PENANAeRvGFqWn7n 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection440PENANAqbVEICAQm4 維尼
我一直幫本篇作品改了個花名做下一站天后,因為我覺得是個很「追明星夢」的題材,而且故事完整度頗高,所以我對本作頗為讚賞。444Please respect copyright.PENANA23z3X1XALF
同意紀言的觀點,就是故事有少少流水賬,編排與節奏上仍有改進空間。444Please respect copyright.PENANAiItrNAaZLm
作者把四千字全部聚焦在阿美身上,使其經歷飽滿地刻畫了出來,可惜的是阿美的塑造略嫌平板缺少深度,雖然經歷有了,心路歷程都有了,但缺少了點立體感。444Please respect copyright.PENANAYnxECBaBpG
可中段的故事也平淡了點,而且因為所有焦點都聚焦在阿美身上,其他角色就相對模糊了一點,其實還有六千字,有些位都可以盡量刻畫下,豐富一下其他角色,這樣或許會更好。8964 copyright protection440PENANAKtjWYTO85E 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection440PENANAZc3uuFQtIg 維尼
相當不錯的故事佈局,更起了首尾呼應的效果。444Please respect copyright.PENANAVcXad1qLJ4
從女主角(阿SA!?)被紙醉金迷的世界繼而忘掉初衷,到最後重新回到起點之地,想回了那個熱愛歌唱的自己。444Please respect copyright.PENANAdOcpwveP7n
值得提醒的是,文筆略有待改進。444Please respect copyright.PENANAIpHwawbWFN
若行文再嚴謹一點,這篇作品足以進入前十之列。8964 copyright protection440PENANAbpokpdWAVv 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection440PENANAkOyV0tc5nz 維尼
三位都已經給出了意見了444Please respect copyright.PENANAzIpzPaZsys
到底這篇下一站天后會得到多少⭕️呢?444Please respect copyright.PENANAzrEgGmAE0g
準備好了嗎?8964 copyright protection440PENANAVMnZdPQe4t 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection440PENANAWCX4zkuzqu 維尼
ok8964 copyright protection440PENANAZC7vmAfh5F 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection440PENANA8GlatbuSZm 維尼
我們來8964 copyright protection440PENANADAhUKR9o3i 維尼
3444Please respect copyright.PENANAgeLrvtEIMN
2444Please respect copyright.PENANALNUliWPryL
18964 copyright protection440PENANADykiZArb4r 維尼
8964 copyright protection440PENANAJUXvzoWxMC 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection440PENANAIM1xRAzlJg 維尼
對不起QAQ8964 copyright protection440PENANACUsVq6tPJ2 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection440PENANAfIsQtdaNdb 維尼
……444Please respect copyright.PENANAfb0M9JfE57
又是可怕的三叉!444Please respect copyright.PENANA2tykcR5DB1
三位有甚麼想安慰一下的嗎?8964 copyright protection440PENANAiSL0hnv7FX 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection440PENANAHvhPhs8v6O 維尼
QAQ8964 copyright protection440PENANAa7tybAIrcL 維尼
我覺得........................444Please respect copyright.PENANAteC4gcRHrH
(細聲說)是圈太少了..8964 copyright protection440PENANAFvtBIymw8R 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection440PENANAjwUe4ZcAZr 維尼
不錯的作品,奈何對手強勁8964 copyright protection440PENANALYcf7UlwQT 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection440PENANAXiRuTh0dkz 維尼
期待復活賽再見8964 copyright protection440PENANANlwX8QOfUw 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection440PENANAf0zihy9l1m 維尼
嗯,評語上面都說得差不多了。444Please respect copyright.PENANA4Vn9okNLPZ
其實可以從中見到作者的潛力的。不要灰心,復活賽再見!8964 copyright protection440PENANAt3nE07q8X1 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection440PENANAErSdcezONF 維尼
子鶱,聽到了嗎?要加油哦!8964 copyright protection440PENANAKB3KK1YPYZ 維尼
好的。444Please respect copyright.PENANAQaG0Z6n0Vu
接下來上場的參賽者是……444Please respect copyright.PENANA0jLZKuWwVF
migt的作品——8964 copyright protection440PENANA10nVmPvb3m 維尼
444Please respect copyright.PENANAkrqBSZg61A
8964 copyright protection440PENANAqRG8RUz8Sz 維尼
十年回魂8964 copyright protection440PENANAyN84uueNms 維尼
444Please respect copyright.PENANAwA7IKex6FZ
8964 copyright protection440PENANA3ocOV1Sp2P 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection440PENANA2um51n6k9v 維尼
氣氛營造得相當不錯,真的會讓人覺得毛毛的感覺。444Please respect copyright.PENANAIUErtwyZDw
只可惜的是沒有故事,就變成單純作者氣氛把控的show。444Please respect copyright.PENANAOc2Hmgfrkq
哎喲其實還有六千字左右,不妨把它完成了嘛。444Please respect copyright.PENANA04wR2fMquX
現在太過意猶未盡,未必是件好事哦。8964 copyright protection440PENANAuSTbC1H32e 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection440PENANA7liMKhnR80 維尼
東南很怕鬼故的……(奸笑)444Please respect copyright.PENANAwhEwp8YHeL
不過也認同恐怖氣氛營造得不俗喇,但是日記形式的解謎會使讀者的投入感減低,最後的高潮位如能將懸疑感再推上一層相信會更佳。8964 copyright protection440PENANAjKnLOPat5t 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection440PENANAqnrWfu50P9 維尼
一開始看下去,氣氛等等都營造得相當不錯,令我心生期待。444Please respect copyright.PENANAj0KDWyD7UB
算是不錯的驚慄故事,也相當切題。只是建議在故事中對於主人公再多一點的描寫,若是太過於執著劇情、驚慄的故事而忽略了對主角的描寫,讀者難以替主角感到緊張繼而代入。444Please respect copyright.PENANA8JXBHS22wP
再恐怖一點,恐怕東南就不敢看了嘿嘿。8964 copyright protection440PENANAT9eKt26mS3 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection440PENANAwcKCNs3eVj 維尼
這部讓人毛毛的作品444Please respect copyright.PENANAMVahPo5eWd
到底又逃不逃得過三叉的下場呢?444Please respect copyright.PENANAkCJSGEo10k
準備好了吧?444Please respect copyright.PENANAZUmaUAyp8m
一起來8964 copyright protection440PENANAJEuORua9Y3 維尼
3444Please respect copyright.PENANAZurVTPN5Zm
2444Please respect copyright.PENANAySJUZgqE7h
18964 copyright protection440PENANA2Gj3PMyzSu 維尼
8964 copyright protection440PENANAE63H5XbWFE 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection440PENANAxgkLHkNGeD 維尼
可惡!8964 copyright protection440PENANA3vGZeyKSnA 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection440PENANAORKTxtIBd5 維尼
有點可惜~444Please respect copyright.PENANAdFnUupW3Hz
他的懸疑感很夠444Please respect copyright.PENANAVVCjh5vLJD
只是劇情上稍有欠缺8964 copyright protection440PENANAsaWHbYaP7a 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection440PENANAWOnV03vGBH 維尼
評語上面也說清楚了。444Please respect copyright.PENANAf1GzCufMAt
其實我覺得作者營造氣氛真的做得很好,奈何劇情上面確實差了點。444Please respect copyright.PENANAowa8hBoNsG
希望繼續努力!復活賽再來一篇鬼故!衝啊!8964 copyright protection440PENANATCCU0X4COw 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection440PENANAxf3GLKzzpp 維尼
若在故事劇情及人物多著墨,會是競爭前十的強力人選8964 copyright protection440PENANAaiS6L6NbBU 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection440PENANAtQ2d3xm3PC 維尼
期待復活戰讓東南嚇得不敢看!8964 copyright protection440PENANA3wKOI1rv1n 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection440PENANAIKtzYtBp8F 維尼
希望migt 能從評審們的建議中有所得益哦!444Please respect copyright.PENANAc0NUiUqWRv
然後重點是要嚇倒東南ww8964 copyright protection440PENANAgkOUsQyYwa 維尼
好了444Please respect copyright.PENANAziw9Gj4FY4
下一位參賽者又準備好上場囉444Please respect copyright.PENANA3F1fVFEs3K
他是御林君,作品——8964 copyright protection440PENANAw16znuI1oM 維尼
444Please respect copyright.PENANApo2BsTPjFS
8964 copyright protection440PENANAXJ362DqK3M 維尼
花開花落終有時,相逢相聚本無意8964 copyright protection440PENANAFcpIO1UxMF 維尼
444Please respect copyright.PENANAXpYOK10AhZ
8964 copyright protection440PENANAgXBmivNUHl 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection440PENANAu0b4S9qeT3 維尼
文筆不俗,可惜的是故事過於平鋪直敘,而且盡量避免用對白推進故事,太多對白的話容易減低讀者看下去的意欲。8964 copyright protection440PENANAvErPfCMKBH 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection440PENANAQyjYiafUw2 維尼
見到作者努力建立自己的行文風格,不過現時仍稍見沙石,相信假以時日會更精進。444Please respect copyright.PENANAUSojk2UUlC
兩位主角的對比鮮明,如果劇情上能多加轉折應該會更佳。8964 copyright protection440PENANAT0VV3f42qI 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection440PENANA8FwEC4ie2x 維尼
同意兩位看法,繼續加油。8964 copyright protection440PENANADh3NPmbGqq 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection440PENANAhMfbg2onlZ 維尼
聽起來好像有點不太樂觀呢……8964 copyright protection440PENANAYhNBcI966X 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection440PENANAgXkhd4fuzN 維尼
沒事沒事…8964 copyright protection440PENANAY5HLilJI4v 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection440PENANAGQodCR7rwS 維尼
不過沒關係444Please respect copyright.PENANAoRDqSVb0SZ
御林君,我們一起來迎接結果吧!444Please respect copyright.PENANAIYd0t0lG3q
準備好了吧?8964 copyright protection440PENANABgVND4tjfV 維尼
3444Please respect copyright.PENANAgJcYmBp31y
2444Please respect copyright.PENANAI4vNDTpiSc
18964 copyright protection440PENANAohWqE2KDLi 維尼
8964 copyright protection440PENANAcf7ohuIg6o 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection440PENANAbVgSWg4rsP 維尼
可惜了,謝謝御林君的參賽。444Please respect copyright.PENANAwndSwL7iVt
別忘了我們還有復活賽哦8964 copyright protection440PENANAVSQ297w4tJ 維尼
可怕的三叉已經出現了三次444Please respect copyright.PENANAwvPXixEbNv
到底接下來的這位參賽者可以打破這局面了嗎?444Please respect copyright.PENANA7zSHdc5QHi
接下來的是……444Please respect copyright.PENANACSLeiwiAMA
文楓!8964 copyright protection440PENANAhPllDBx6Kw 維尼
444Please respect copyright.PENANAwUEGLCTa3i
8964 copyright protection440PENANAPvoahu2nMr 維尼
星光,燭光和火光8964 copyright protection440PENANAEvCifuud0t 維尼
444Please respect copyright.PENANA1E76gDh5PB
8964 copyright protection440PENANA6hE8ZjL5y4 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection440PENANAbumhf0tD8a 維尼
頗具完成度的西方奇幻小說。444Please respect copyright.PENANALyiUsnc790
開首的佈局讓我非常期待接下來的發展,可惜尾段有點趕,以致看上去有點虎頭蛇尾的感覺。444Please respect copyright.PENANAXpG1TPwONl
故事去到中間時,十年後必須兩個死一個,其實是一個不錯的切入點,女巫與養女之間,對於這點其實可以寫多一點劇情。444Please respect copyright.PENANABp3sBqKDz6
我不知道是因為時間太趕,還是作者有意為之,如今的收尾就顯得有點可惜了。8964 copyright protection440PENANA3BRh8Wkc2H 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection440PENANAb7TOTHHgVk 維尼
嘛,為了趕死線而草草收尾的事,大家也經歷過啊~以前大半部分來說,我還是很看好的。444Please respect copyright.PENANA59byFsCxtL
獵巫的世界觀完整,故事感情細膩動人。444Please respect copyright.PENANA8bvp2d4HW7
略嫌可惜的是結尾收得有點草率,沒有全部呼應前面的伏筆。8964 copyright protection440PENANAChswYxkc8d 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection440PENANAcEN1BKCPPO 維尼
很難說的一部參賽作品。444Please respect copyright.PENANACwSUNwBUZG
前中段表現出色,但到後段直線下降,令心生強烈反差感。444Please respect copyright.PENANAifMX7BYASl
以獵巫為背景,不論是女巫、惡魔及人類孩子的佈局也是相當有趣。444Please respect copyright.PENANA8HWLtt8g2n
只是結局有種草草了事的感覺,並沒能把前中段鋪墊良久的情感進行爆發,有點可惜。444Please respect copyright.PENANAL7I9ttsjNE
宏觀整部作品仍屬不錯的作品,很期待你的進步及完整的故事作品。8964 copyright protection440PENANAVyQKZMX8rU 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection440PENANACVbQXAFKms 維尼
這部西方奇幻的作品444Please respect copyright.PENANAEZrVUFgFlk
可以得到評審們的青睞嗎?8964 copyright protection440PENANA65SfybpRfG 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection440PENANAPVpvGNUCPy 維尼
嗯……444Please respect copyright.PENANAtfShtX64FS
這個需要慎重考慮(認真8964 copyright protection440PENANAGeuE1amnyD 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection440PENANAj0ZZBWo4Au 維尼
= =|||444Please respect copyright.PENANAsDQFkKJsiY
唉444Please respect copyright.PENANAYn6MAsxsTq
這個真有點糾結8964 copyright protection440PENANAjIeX7TfIWn 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection440PENANA5CGwF67fCj 維尼
嘛⋯⋯8964 copyright protection440PENANAlu4co25fj0 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection440PENANAr6N7JKKpt3 維尼
三位還需要點時間嗎?8964 copyright protection440PENANAI2nAcxc7C2 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection440PENANA8Q83yPaCBA 維尼
但按實力而言應該沒問題的444Please respect copyright.PENANAKZvE81hOgq
來吧444Please respect copyright.PENANA9INx7XzGZC
要來終究要來8964 copyright protection440PENANAGmGqnTFsGw 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection440PENANApPzmXYBCgk 維尼
來!8964 copyright protection440PENANAhg5GB4muJ0 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection440PENANA9P6pRWvXbV 維尼
來囉8964 copyright protection440PENANAi2k5rcK3BG 維尼
3444Please respect copyright.PENANAbeDFVhv2L3
2444Please respect copyright.PENANA1oqeB74wgL
18964 copyright protection440PENANAbp98rumpdK 維尼
8964 copyright protection440PENANAj9KhUZWLXR 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection440PENANAQVCpWgv5k3 維尼
.......................8964 copyright protection440PENANAXCoFx9LJCF 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection440PENANAdWPCPLQCaI 維尼
……8964 copyright protection440PENANALiQhvgyOmY 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection440PENANA8P4MUvBXb2 維尼
Nani444Please respect copyright.PENANASbMFCgZlsx
⋯⋯⋯⋯8964 copyright protection440PENANAGetW632IgJ 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection440PENANAjldOPGQkTH 維尼
啊?你們怎麼不給圈?444Please respect copyright.PENANAtIefh5YAxY
癡線8964 copyright protection440PENANATMR5xyImWI 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection440PENANAtvULwfnDDA 維尼
你們不是給圈嗎?8964 copyright protection440PENANAkwOalPP5no 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection440PENANAJVkeboE8rL 維尼
可惜了……8964 copyright protection440PENANAjlGScHuORx 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection440PENANAiL5c1XIaFR 維尼
我還以為⋯⋯444Please respect copyright.PENANA0I1czS33VG
慢著慢著8964 copyright protection440PENANAfYcjMpD4Ts 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection440PENANAx0ZLLOHiTL 維尼
喂喂喂8964 copyright protection440PENANAs6bvdljQT5 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection440PENANAkx5HzUH7ZO 維尼
我沒有足夠的圈啦8964 copyright protection440PENANAgec6JDSOow 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection440PENANAidO8QFbBvo 維尼
............444Please respect copyright.PENANAwsMiUWm6VV
哎呀........444Please respect copyright.PENANAY442w5LbIe
我以為你們兩個圈我就省下一個8964 copyright protection440PENANA61o8bSrUS2 維尼
零器8964 copyright protection440PENANAdimtWwbXd4 維尼
這賽果444Please respect copyright.PENANAWiNe2J9i79
讓人太震驚了8964 copyright protection440PENANAEGdbYCgs9H 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection440PENANAs7dafEZgZW 維尼
先別到下一篇8964 copyright protection440PENANAqbsTIEGaHy 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection440PENANAWiIEuyhVPG 維尼
!!!!444Please respect copyright.PENANA2tIx578ot9
紀師父!?8964 copyright protection440PENANAEVPv4N5NTI 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection440PENANA2upsnhH7eQ 維尼
8964 copyright protection440PENANA5yKWhtNI7N 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection440PENANALxctzpXmaC 維尼
!!!!!!!!444Please respect copyright.PENANAcfHXQ0xVLc
把他給我救回來8964 copyright protection440PENANAs1fkgSBqgV 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection440PENANA17JCEhUm1p 維尼
癡線444Please respect copyright.PENANAmUts7Rplxe
有沒有那麼帥氣8964 copyright protection440PENANAR9AIw0rBDr 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection440PENANAJIAzT4UcQ8 維尼
竟然444Please respect copyright.PENANACMmffueyVA
是傳說中的拳法8964 copyright protection440PENANAVrtLzqw5BY 維尼
但你明明給❌444Please respect copyright.PENANAi7QqwYWNYq
……8964 copyright protection440PENANAPjgB2HeEBj 維尼
紀言8964 copyright protection440PENANAatp9pGJF5Z 維尼
暴力救市8964 copyright protection440PENANAJbJePJmmhz 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection440PENANAk9fbUJKrUU 維尼
自己給❌然後自己給誠意拳拳444Please respect copyright.PENANAdtDeiwJjDc
女人很恐怖8964 copyright protection440PENANAUUD4GQmiak 維尼
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都是紀師父的錯啊8964 copyright protection440PENANAURfAokAXrY 維尼
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anyway這樣我覺得ok的,不然太可惜了。8964 copyright protection440PENANA89N2osve4o 維尼
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這篇實在不應該落選的8964 copyright protection440PENANA3BTV1JoKLS 維尼
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好的,文楓獲得了紀言的「誠意✊✊」444Please respect copyright.PENANAKXGYjn4vIm
直接加入紀言的邀請進隊名單8964 copyright protection440PENANAZHv5qIaXp2 維尼
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444Please respect copyright.PENANAvkjwjKbJys
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我8964 copyright protection440PENANAVdhnjWZkvF 維尼
444Please respect copyright.PENANAZFm0irNbCZ
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看似簡單、簡短的短篇故事,卻帶出了平行時空、自我救贖的意味。444Please respect copyright.PENANAtMbFzriyQ6
哪怕最後主角回到踢石頭的剎那,哪怕他沒能改變到甚麼,但內心大概也因為救了另一個平行時空的自己而感到欣慰吧。444Please respect copyright.PENANADYpsyzP8YA
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穿越時空拯救另一個自己的夢想的故事寫得真摯,也道出了作者對寫作的喜愛,令人欣喜。444Please respect copyright.PENANAdTkczEfVW9
不過缺點是情節起伏不夠大,而且筆觸和主角一樣有點嘮叨(笑)。8964 copyright protection440PENANAd3TPcbA4h6 維尼
東南8964 copyright protection440PENANAUKs5MWtR2P 維尼
自己救贖自己其實是個老套卻容易寫的點子。444Please respect copyright.PENANAcD0iXUJSRR
或許作者收到字數限制,許多場景快速帶過,結果導致缺少了角色應有的反應,而讓讀者覺得出戲。444Please respect copyright.PENANAqrayoU6vJA
在這字數與這題材裏,或許建議頭尾詳細寫,中間蒙太奇帶過,或許會好一點。8964 copyright protection440PENANANar8Bu82V8 維尼
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到底這個作品會得到怎樣的結果呢?444Please respect copyright.PENANAlSwfo5Jtds
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我們來囉8964 copyright protection440PENANAnXhlvFqm1x 維尼
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2444Please respect copyright.PENANAmCTeptd7hx
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三叉上癮是不是8964 copyright protection440PENANAciRdQL8GTn 維尼
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還不是因為你8964 copyright protection440PENANA3W0OZzmCzK 維尼
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話可不能這麼說的哦!ww8964 copyright protection440PENANAJpFUM4n2f6 維尼
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太少了喇8964 copyright protection440PENANAUlld2btXVW 維尼
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沒辦法,現實就是殘酷的😢8964 copyright protection440PENANAXVeuCztNNe 維尼
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QAQ8964 copyright protection440PENANAEVDA5xkWjd 維尼
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墨烙要加油哦~還有復活賽的機會呢!8964 copyright protection440PENANAyIMV4RzxDX 維尼
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他的故事8964 copyright protection440PENANAIASf7Ok8vM 維尼
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板主!8964 copyright protection440PENANAn5tjXpEclg 維尼
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他洗版8964 copyright protection440PENANAQy4JFqK3xm 維尼
楓成8964 copyright protection440PENANASM2gZ9clL7 維尼
……8964 copyright protection440PENANAfYdM3orHGH 維尼
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禁他言喇8964 copyright protection440PENANAMjAGaeEOde 維尼
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不要8964 copyright protection440PENANAWght6RpTam 維尼
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硬了(拳頭8964 copyright protection440PENANAq3i4mmwpdC 維尼
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禁!8964 copyright protection440PENANAXbdxUPgEXz 維尼
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千萬不要8964 copyright protection440PENANAwBLRQkK17V 維尼
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不行喇,都禁就圈叉不了ww8964 copyright protection440PENANAqBzg8anRr3 維尼
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要禁也請讓我說一句話444Please respect copyright.PENANASlj89g77Ih
我錯444Please respect copyright.PENANAvCV9ZAF8Av
我自摑8964 copyright protection440PENANArXHZkQZuGT 維尼
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片呢?8964 copyright protection440PENANA7DC5VW5bx1 維尼
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附上自摑片段可以解封8964 copyright protection440PENANARVmmKup2xk 維尼
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QAQ444Please respect copyright.PENANAV49fHANQaN
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摑了8964 copyright protection440PENANAnrIHfT5wdP 維尼
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是次比賽中少見的古風小説,文筆縱帶點青澀但已見古意,情感方面仍需琢磨,但不失為一部處女佳作。8964 copyright protection440PENANAgW7ChLWntj 維尼
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處女作而言已算不錯,加油!8964 copyright protection440PENANA2lDoyCRpp5 維尼
古風掌握得到位,雖然劇情方面稍微薄弱,但文筆秀麗同整個武俠感的塑造十分成功,讓整體瑕不掩瑜,值得一讚。444Please respect copyright.PENANA8toW1JN4qB
劇情方面有少少以倒敘與插敘的方式寫郡主與師叔的感情。444Please respect copyright.PENANAQFl6nAgO26
這樣的手法雖無不可,但建議可以從多一點的角度去描寫,從不同人的視覺豐富兩個角色。444Please respect copyright.PENANAw6q4wiGpUd
而師徒戀在宋朝絕對是禁忌,這點也可以透過劇情發揮多點。8964 copyright protection440PENANAtEvZ7Wuk4i 維尼
最後一句,加入我隊伍啦!歡迎你!8964 copyright protection440PENANArStk2n7WPR 維尼
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咳咳咳現在就開始搶人了……8964 copyright protection440PENANAz76lJtr319 維尼
很不錯的武俠小說參賽作品,要在短短篇幅撰寫出武俠及江湖是一件相當困難的事情。但筆者還是做了,而且相當成功。444Please respect copyright.PENANABAfXPIlfC6
最出色還是當中的文筆相當成熟,用詞遣字非常出色。444Please respect copyright.PENANAuVBVs7VYby
只要在劇情那邊多補回一些不足,將會是相當有潛力的。444Please respect copyright.PENANAloFw858K0N
期待你之後的表現。8964 copyright protection440PENANAd5kaShWFz5 維尼
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這古風、這武俠的作品……8964 copyright protection440PENANAQkTFvYFSoG 維尼
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滿滿的東南氣息8964 copyright protection440PENANAQ0y9a2M54j 維尼
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對啊,相信至少也會有一個圈吧?444Please respect copyright.PENANADmvK0knV3T
我們一起來看看囉~444Please respect copyright.PENANACXdgBYIb0X
準備好了嗎?8964 copyright protection440PENANAJhz0iPcrXY 維尼
3444Please respect copyright.PENANA8EkChfA6EF
2444Please respect copyright.PENANA3HBba5wlWH
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哦8964 copyright protection440PENANAUTE74alha4 維尼
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呼……(拍胸8964 copyright protection440PENANACzde55BQFx 維尼
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🤤8964 copyright protection440PENANAfeoz2abby6 維尼
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終於不是3叉,或是3叉加一拳ww8964 copyright protection440PENANAWOaRmf7IQr 維尼
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超矛8964 copyright protection440PENANAUKcoNBTolN 維尼
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呵呵呵8964 copyright protection440PENANAr4MfRO8cBR 維尼
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恐怖的女人8964 copyright protection440PENANAQ9bWL6tsB9 維尼
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好了www8964 copyright protection440PENANA76Gf3wa5LX 維尼
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恭喜8964 copyright protection440PENANARTAPwOP43f 維尼
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恭喜日勻進入候選區哦8964 copyright protection440PENANAOjwYqdKfQJ 維尼
下一位呢?444Please respect copyright.PENANAeYDiKTiHHF
哦,他到了。444Please respect copyright.PENANAzv5OszMkZZ
他是1號參賽者香淚月8964 copyright protection440PENANAzycP6UJbGf 維尼
444Please respect copyright.PENANAmMQ2Okm971
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一夜十年8964 copyright protection440PENANAf1V3rwXfBf 維尼
444Please respect copyright.PENANAjdIZodsbl3
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東南8964 copyright protection440PENANAIL9kGptKLC 維尼
文筆不俗,但要注意下故事編排與節奏。444Please respect copyright.PENANALa2XcAiyHA
當中父親死因屬於高潮位,雖然情緒是做到出來了,但也無可奈何,變成「噢是這樣嗎?只能這樣了」的感覺。444Please respect copyright.PENANAqasUSkF7WF
當然這種是最「真實」的,但作為說故事而言,或許前段的鋪排多點說父親身體如何壯健,從來沒有病,到中段主角懷疑父親是有暗病,自顧自憐埋怨不幸,到最後才發現真相,讓她決心離去。444Please respect copyright.PENANAtOOEnwUJkY
有了這樣的起承轉合,讀者才會比較容易代入你筆下角色的心路歷程。8964 copyright protection440PENANAt9iM6NaJJh 維尼
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同意文筆的部分,但作者確實在編排與節奏方面有待改進。親情的互動頗感人和細膩,可惜開首鋪墊不足,末段又結束得太快。444Please respect copyright.PENANAZmp7AXOR5p
由於作者只寫了三千多字,而且是第一個交稿的,應該還很有發展的空間。444Please respect copyright.PENANAMJvzeiZAwz
文筆不錯,不過也許受題目影響,文中多次出現「十年」二字,就顯得有點刻意貼題了。8964 copyright protection440PENANAQOSh7bhDuy 維尼
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文筆方面兩位都交帶得差不多。444Please respect copyright.PENANACyX6S0cHb3
故事作品的描寫代表作者對世界、社會的想法,但奈何故事性有所欠缺。444Please respect copyright.PENANAwQN3g2mzvg
比起小說,更傾向散文。444Please respect copyright.PENANAUzaKkkmOw1
宜加強橋段的構思,仔細反思故事橋段並從中表達自己想要表達的意思,或有奇效。8964 copyright protection440PENANAYibCChYQOI 維尼
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行文用字,可以打動三位嗎?444Please respect copyright.PENANAdNLHbHevKR
三位準備好了吧?444Please respect copyright.PENANABitYNe6tKq
一起來!8964 copyright protection440PENANAEjTT0QVAG6 維尼
3444Please respect copyright.PENANAQIx2NhGIMQ
2444Please respect copyright.PENANAGsg7Ogjt5k
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可惜了……8964 copyright protection440PENANALFKQw7x8RU 維尼
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嗯444Please respect copyright.PENANAXh8RTq0RrS
文筆是很秀麗的,可造之材,希望繼續努力!8964 copyright protection440PENANAm8j8SF0102 維尼
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如果交稿後能花多點時間再修飾,應該也是能一爭的喇8964 copyright protection440PENANAzXNs0Oftl0 維尼
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別氣餒,還有復活的機會的!8964 copyright protection440PENANAOpbhYy8S6c 維尼
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繼續加油8964 copyright protection440PENANAVtB2vRKGoL 維尼
【下集預告】8964 copyright protection440PENANAS4uGP5b8M7 維尼
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我錯了8964 copyright protection440PENANAfn0eHexuBf 維尼
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