十八歲時,思思憧憬未來,將來一定要組織最温暖的家。981Please respect copyright.PENANAFcavFSxSsc
981Please respect copyright.PENANAFFtcwzf5jb
她也有一個家,雖然,不是特別完滿。981Please respect copyright.PENANAgnCbBSfCOW
981Please respect copyright.PENANAiDq1ErlXRw
父親好、母親好,只是二人合起來——不應合起來。981Please respect copyright.PENANA6UPwdIbcwc
981Please respect copyright.PENANAxk72QGupxx
思思的父母不是因愛結合。981Please respect copyright.PENANAJjh0muNWh2
981Please respect copyright.PENANAHXa69XnN6a
航班、傳統的相親、不能拒絕的安排、錢銀瓜葛、生活。981Please respect copyright.PENANAkIYQIJhuX9
981Please respect copyright.PENANAOkEGC3QUAJ
像「賣豬仔」一樣。981Please respect copyright.PENANAS4ecBf0shI
981Please respect copyright.PENANACeNJmaoJad
小時候,她只知父母從不同床,母親佯稱,父親的鼻鼾聲太大,吵着她睡覺。父母也沒有親密行為,連普通的拖手和擁抱,都沒有。981Please respect copyright.PENANAfXNS6QPggX
981Please respect copyright.PENANAwVDuJfquBM
思思只覺奇怪,明明電視劇的恩愛夫妻並非如此;她去過同學的生日會,見過別人的父母,會替對方抹嘴,將紙巾撕開一半,遞給對方。981Please respect copyright.PENANA2gkSlNoEqX
981Please respect copyright.PENANASwzarMAFNx
思思疑惑。981Please respect copyright.PENANAjDGIpKscWH
981Please respect copyright.PENANAUOe7nS6O01
後來,她再長大一點,問及父母的怪異,母親坦白:981Please respect copyright.PENANAFYSK5jpoZI
981Please respect copyright.PENANA5880Gkubzx
「以前賣豬仔結婚風氣好猖狂,我唔結婚嘅話,屋企就要賠錢。」981Please respect copyright.PENANAUknL8ODRU1
981Please respect copyright.PENANAsJZpQU7mlk
「起初,唔係同你爸爸見㗎。嗰時唔知點解揀咗佢。」981Please respect copyright.PENANALtatcSjFtC
981Please respect copyright.PENANAnEfxYV4JQf
「一開始都ok;但後來,越嚟越唔鍾意佢。你知唔知,我啱啱陀你嗰時,佢俾咗三萬我,話如果我同佢生,就俾多兩萬我。痴線㗎,當我係咩?我本身都想要bb㗎啦。」981Please respect copyright.PENANAxElTA1hB5t
981Please respect copyright.PENANACVqx3p2h0n
「唉。起初都有上吓床……佢想要,唔通唔俾咩,話哂都係夫妻。後尾,生咗你同阿妹之後,就冇啦。嘢都少講。」981Please respect copyright.PENANAsCVJvzZjgq
981Please respect copyright.PENANA0fOps5Ar5L
言語措詞,毫不忌諱聽者是她的女兒,她覺得女兒早慧,絕對可以承受和理解一切因由。981Please respect copyright.PENANAfKMLIcSdum
981Please respect copyright.PENANARnSgVOocPp
當時,思思十六歲,此前的她,覺得孩子一定是愛情結晶品,即使後來離婚分家,但至少,做愛一刻,有愛。981Please respect copyright.PENANA5mzoAA36tg
981Please respect copyright.PENANAgkraSbtsh5
她受到衝擊。981Please respect copyright.PENANAsLTEg79ShE
981Please respect copyright.PENANAz58Yg3KZaz
她常常思索,如果她沒有出生,父母就不需共同養育她,那麼他們又是否能夠各自安好,在自己的人生漫漫路上找到真正適合自己的伴侣?如果她從不存在,他們會否花費約二十年時間,守在不相愛的人身邊?981Please respect copyright.PENANAHQEmHi2Tc5
981Please respect copyright.PENANAH3JKzUZbj3
父母的結合並沒有愛,思思也因此並非愛的產物。981Please respect copyright.PENANAf0Tnd1sRyc
981Please respect copyright.PENANA1dLvx8ZDQM
她只是長期合法「賣淫」之下的受精卵,她的出現,只是因為一次射精、一次陰莖從硬到軟的快感、一次陰道從乾涸到濕潤的興奮,僅僅如此。981Please respect copyright.PENANA3FWXlubKvS
981Please respect copyright.PENANAxpFrOLUc5q
原來,僅僅如此。981Please respect copyright.PENANAArGvuJPEDH
981Please respect copyright.PENANAyzR783HdLS
思思覺得,她的存在本身,或許為父母帶來痛苦而無快樂。981Please respect copyright.PENANAC56MsN8Bb7
981Please respect copyright.PENANAqUFBd9mIJd
她苦笑,想起小時候曾經起哄,着父親二月十四日買花給母親。真傻。981Please respect copyright.PENANAWSQ0wSC5It
981Please respect copyright.PENANAbR4jPtZtxO
從那時起,她一直並不太喜歡自己,因為憎惡她的存在為最愛的人帶來痛苦,而她對此無能為力。981Please respect copyright.PENANAFQhQrfaqQe
981Please respect copyright.PENANAGssqtwOsZq
可能因為這樣,她總是和朋友保持距離,她不願意承受多一次世界觀崩塌的酸楚。她與人和善,只是少了幾分親暱;樂於做朋友的樹洞,只是不和人分享太多心事。她自信、外向,可以和不熟稔的人侃侃而談而不露怯;同時自卑、孤僻,侃侃而談時,常希望盡快結束對話。981Please respect copyright.PENANAh3ySVKP1Si
981Please respect copyright.PENANAlC1LW0zT9H
在友情、社交之中,她有強烈的迴避傾向,不擅長自我披露。981Please respect copyright.PENANANHACOgQiUH
981Please respect copyright.PENANA6mgwaJdmct
只是,她也感受到父母是愛她的。偶然,他們的愛令思思覺得,其實她的存在是有價值的,父母仍然擁有一個可親的女兒。她決定,更努力地生活,以孝順回報父母,也叫自己要好好讀書,畢竟父母供書教學多年,不可令他們失望。981Please respect copyright.PENANArFsmLLDLbL
981Please respect copyright.PENANAMM5aZBSaop
偏偏,父母管教並不嚴謹,覺得思思快樂就好,人生不要有太多壓力。只着她不要學壞。但什麼叫壞?吸毒、酗酒?逃課、打架?早戀、未婚生子?界限不明,她在這種不清不楚的灰色規條下長大,漸漸喜歡黑白分明的感覺。981Please respect copyright.PENANAWlEMZe3tLA
981Please respect copyright.PENANAy95TXGmTPa
譬如,愛是愛,不愛是不愛,什麼叫既愛,又不愛?她不解。981Please respect copyright.PENANAuROwWi4HS0
981Please respect copyright.PENANA5TtM12kKJg
只是,黑白分明如圍棋,也總得有人下錯一子。黑白分明,從來是很難實現,或者說是很難輕鬆實現,黑白鍵組成的鋼琴,想彈得悠揚、活色生香,那要經過很多的練習和犧牲很多的睡眠時間。這是後話。981Please respect copyright.PENANAN7mMjZXGV3
981Please respect copyright.PENANAphavNwqydl
唯有,從小由她自己看顧功課,自己給自己期望,自己逼自己學習和運動,她想成為更好的自己。981Please respect copyright.PENANA5iTNTXAT6R
981Please respect copyright.PENANApSGWAavCKT
她想被管束。她想如同學一樣,有恩愛父母一邊鬥嘴,一邊檢查她的功課。981Please respect copyright.PENANAs5e8cEcvYr
981Please respect copyright.PENANA0gmmMBmPwh
家,冷冷清清。團年飯都不一定在同一個時段、同一張枱食。981Please respect copyright.PENANAP060ocmp8v
981Please respect copyright.PENANAdvuZsLLE93
家,像透了一所暖色調的客棧。各有各休息,母親下班後,煮飯、孩子吃飯、將飯菜保暖,見父親回家,就會進房、關門;父親吃保暖的飯菜、洗碗、在客廳做事。981Please respect copyright.PENANA01FoRlyTXL
981Please respect copyright.PENANAq3bSbYvcWu
疏淡如水。981Please respect copyright.PENANAx0eqRYZGhw
981Please respect copyright.PENANAgo0TL8DVJ0
思思是這所客棧的老闆,敷衍地聯絡父母的感情,偶然氣氛尷尬,譬如母親抱怨父親將襪子亂扔,父親則反駁,她的頭髮同樣塞滿浴室排水位,然後吵着不相干、不重要的閒話,最後沉默。981Please respect copyright.PENANAJOFl7xI0rX
981Please respect copyright.PENANA0GIrpel9NG
她一直都在享受着這一種不受管束的、悲傷的自由。981Please respect copyright.PENANAqd9AEmKx1W
981Please respect copyright.PENANAc5FMomFKsI
她不想要這種自由。981Please respect copyright.PENANAcMgmfDepQJ
981Please respect copyright.PENANAiUb9i3Lxlb
她需要深深被愛,也需要依靠,如果戀愛,她會十分投入,願意將一切都給予對方。981Please respect copyright.PENANAoxPBPj4m91
981Please respect copyright.PENANAmM3F1BpApJ
她寧願被温馨地束縛,因愛結繩,很好。981Please respect copyright.PENANAqcePJppNrq
981Please respect copyright.PENANAXHhisPQmXy
十八歲的思思,發誓自己不能輕易結婚。981Please respect copyright.PENANAVeLxykG7dQ
981Please respect copyright.PENANAiSBdRCvSkp
寧願孤獨地老去,獨霸床前明月光,佇立腳踏地上霜,也不想與不愛的人身居同一間屋——以夫妻之名。981Please respect copyright.PENANAzgppPJRwaH
981Please respect copyright.PENANAPTnSwbgjTC
她抵觸,和不喜歡的人塗抹同一枝沐浴露、擠着同一枝牙膏;厭惡與其的皮鞋並排擺放、日復日為其烹煮住家飯;害怕和他擠塞在同一張明明寬廣卻迫促的床上、在飯桌上無語地對着白飯發呆。981Please respect copyright.PENANAxFsAtHfmrk
981Please respect copyright.PENANAi2aaC4agoA
「如果係咁,自己一個過,仲輕鬆自在啦!冇咁多嘢煩。」981Please respect copyright.PENANA0XyjvjkbEN
981Please respect copyright.PENANAx9X85cNikC
中學時期的思思向朋友分享過婚戀觀,當時的社會尚未崇尚獨身主義,她被指怪異:「老咗你就知啦,孤伶伶一個。」981Please respect copyright.PENANAfREnN8r9e8
981Please respect copyright.PENANAQtikY3KhPg
可是,她是真這樣想:981Please respect copyright.PENANA1AvnkxQt94
981Please respect copyright.PENANAmmeTAaD1lR
「為咗唔孤單而同人一齊,唔會更孤單咩。明明喺隔離,但係就好遠。再親密,都係疏離喎……」981Please respect copyright.PENANARji2bL4QUq
981Please respect copyright.PENANAML5P5Uruuz
只是,從她和阿朗拍拖開始,她已經覺得,將來絕對不會進駐客棧,她認真鍾愛阿朗這個人、這顆心,必不會憎惡和他共用一個洗手盆。981Please respect copyright.PENANA53CLHTmQqk
981Please respect copyright.PENANA2u3ujPzZ91
她願與他舉頭望明月,默默聽他或和他分享鄉愁和陳跡。981Please respect copyright.PENANAdJ8lILQg5s
981Please respect copyright.PENANAu1trG7HbVQ
她也不要孩子成為客棧的老闆,上一代的事,不應該影響天真稚嫩的小孩。981Please respect copyright.PENANAfuVY8d8w6G
981Please respect copyright.PENANAbebEFENTHN
客棧,明明冷清,不必假裝温暖,名之曰「家」。981Please respect copyright.PENANApIn6cQuoYD
981Please respect copyright.PENANAeWt6oJVnxH
家是家。981Please respect copyright.PENANA1TVOwg4wpN
981Please respect copyright.PENANAaw61vH6XYB
她要和最愛的人走進婚姻。981Please respect copyright.PENANARARsVKjpNW
981Please respect copyright.PENANAnrCWqzMnor
她願意自綑自綁。981Please respect copyright.PENANAZ7hHwIpelk
981Please respect copyright.PENANA1QAImZvFBE
只要相愛,只要有愛。981Please respect copyright.PENANA3aapZyfp0j
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《相愛十年》//《結咗婚十幾年,好似已經唔太愛。》
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《相愛十年》//《結咗婚十幾年,好似已經唔太愛。》
Author:
張羨青
![張羨青](https://static2.penana.com/fit-in/24x24/images/users/large/10/27/102713606962e7ed9183f158.49732216-73839.jpeg)
ISSUE #9
客棧
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