舞台上燈光璀璨。鋼琴手、低音提琴手和鼓手隨心情奏起悠揚爵士樂,似醉非醉的雙眼放肆地打量著年輕歌女的背影。頭、頸、背、腰、臀、腿、踝…由上而下,自下至上,不停幻想著、愛戀著。台上樂聲更見淫靡,台下舞客更見放肆,雙雙對對的踏起醉人舞步來。楚楚衣冠之下,盡是半醒的軀殼:將白晝裡的自己拋諸腦後,只求在黑夜裡來一支迷失的慢三步。499Please respect copyright.PENANAIQP8vuZ47R
499Please respect copyright.PENANAIcIVcuPOkt
一,二,三…499Please respect copyright.PENANAabeQewqfZQ
499Please respect copyright.PENANAKz46ocWt5D
一,二,三…499Please respect copyright.PENANAAm27fICypf
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「你是誰?」你問我,口腔滲出一陣濃烈酒氣。我認得,那是經理在上個月花大錢購入的伏特加。499Please respect copyright.PENANATkkpSbhsFN
499Please respect copyright.PENANAmrfMa0xY87
「我是『我』。」酒過三巡,我迷糊地交出自以為最好的答案,不想在高深的你面前出洋相。499Please respect copyright.PENANA7KJEINLO0x
499Please respect copyright.PENANAHS9UD7oSJg
你竊笑,讚我很可愛,但也給我一個小建議:「你該答『我是紅桃』。」499Please respect copyright.PENANARa8cLgjNeJ
499Please respect copyright.PENANAoq4A40yjRO
「我的答案有錯麼?」望著你的象牙白西裝,我鼓起兩腮,深深不忿。「紅桃」是經理給我起的藝名。奈何我打從心底裡生厭這名字。我不喜歡紅,也不喜歡逃。499Please respect copyright.PENANAoA7ADbuxfO
499Please respect copyright.PENANAtZRuFI633b
「沒有錯。不過沒意義。」你輕托我的下巴,就像要小貓咪抬頭那樣肆意。499Please respect copyright.PENANAYMzR9pe2xl
499Please respect copyright.PENANAKv7xpRNLKI
我側過臉,嬌嗔帶笑地躲開你的逗弄。「若果,『我是我』是一件沒意義的事,難道『我是紅桃』會更有意義?」我不解,頭痛欲裂,不得不放下酒杯,後仰在黑皮椅背,瞇眼捕捉閃爍迷人的水晶燈光。499Please respect copyright.PENANABO3nx7ZB2N
499Please respect copyright.PENANAqDYCtTPPzU
「當然!『紅桃』能賺取收入。有收入,才能養活自己。養活自己,才能繼續思考做『我』是否真的沒意義。當『我』沒收入、活不了,那做『我』的意義,不也不存在了嗎?」說得興起,你竟變成小孩子,嬉皮笑臉,失儀地跪在地上,一頭埋在我的大腿間,在黑底碎花的絲質旗袍上磨蹭,嘟嚷著:「先讓我稍息一會。今晚才告訴你,當『紅桃』的意義!」499Please respect copyright.PENANAYvDXAMaQHy
499Please respect copyright.PENANAAJHHmhDmAM
「好。我等你。」我低頭微笑,笑你伶牙俐齒。其實你的牙齒很好看,白得發亮。499Please respect copyright.PENANADu7V9dPFp8
499Please respect copyright.PENANAXZ3x3NvTO0
我和你赤條條地在床上水乳交融。二元,一體,互化。499Please respect copyright.PENANAAPZwBA89wn
499Please respect copyright.PENANA7P3k2fwcdo
將我壓在胯下,你在我耳邊輕輕吹氣:「領略到意義沒?」499Please respect copyright.PENANAwQhTH0v9wD
499Please respect copyright.PENANAsnBcS80L6F
分不清你是有心或無意,發問的同時,你竟對我施力,讓我嬌喘得吐不出話來。499Please respect copyright.PENANAAjQVH6DbAz
499Please respect copyright.PENANA0qxDDwCKQ8
「那就繼續想想吧!」你是塗滿毒藥的蜜餞,給我歡愉,給我傷害。499Please respect copyright.PENANAfpcZXXU84Y
499Please respect copyright.PENANAyGLBm3CLsf
我不明白自己何以會對你如此著迷,正如我不明白自己何以會對「我」產生執迷。499Please respect copyright.PENANAb2MEQH7Wtx
這種執迷,萌芽於青澀的年華。曾經,救國救民是生存的唯一意義,也是我和你之間的唯一話題。499Please respect copyright.PENANA9D6FFma5cQ
499Please respect copyright.PENANAdIKqxj5HBB
那一天,報章上的戰爭消息刺激了你。你氣得咬牙切齒,喊打喊殺,發誓要打倒入侵者的國,殺他們片甲不留。我欣賞你的志氣,但我不識趣地補充一句:「當然要把他們打走、要他們道歉和賠償,卻絕不能對他們生起趕盡殺絕之意!」499Please respect copyright.PENANA86tcyNIeRJ
499Please respect copyright.PENANAixAgpCpUlD
火燒心,懷著剎那的衝動,你摑了我一記耳光,咆哮大叫:「難道你要等他們再殺回來?」話語間,恐懼多於仇恨,情感多於理智。499Please respect copyright.PENANAlG5plROJlL
499Please respect copyright.PENANAbLX9EgXNl1
「哪會殺得盡?你看!他們不也是想將我國滅掉,我倆不也是好好的站在這裡,商討如何反擊!同樣,我國亦沒能將他們根除。結果就是他們會好好的站在那邊,商討如何反擊我國!」我掩著滾燙的臉蛋,強抑眼淚:「我們想到的,他們也會想到。」499Please respect copyright.PENANAhDbhM2ecW2
499Please respect copyright.PENANAYFh5quNxH3
「不要將我們和他們混為一談!」你的語氣略為收斂,眼神沒有剛才的兇狠,負面情緒盡洩在報紙之上:「也不要將我和你混為一談。」499Please respect copyright.PENANAOuerTaX4Rr
499Please respect copyright.PENANACchxxGP6Cy
報紙碎成漫天飛花,就像旗袍上的碎花那樣淒楚。499Please respect copyright.PENANAf9lHWXQroR
499Please respect copyright.PENANAYm7f7Y9wbs
完事後,你躺在床上,閉目養神。我也沒有睡,側著身子,背對著你,面對著旗袍上的碎花圖案。我的旗袍是溫柔謐靜的黑,上邊有細細碎碎、白裡透紅的桃花圖案。那點微弱的紅,像憤怒的眼,又像無力的血。499Please respect copyright.PENANAQx1OqTVB81
499Please respect copyright.PENANA84f95Ek3Mf
那一朝早,天還沒有亮得透,泛著教人倒胃口的魚肚白色。我被急促的敲門聲吵醒了,匆匆忙忙整理衣衫,應門去。門後是焦急如焚的你。你說大馬路那邊出亂子,需要大家聲援。499Please respect copyright.PENANAHRfwjTMmy6
499Please respect copyright.PENANA4A8SXIZKjF
我擦著惺忪睡眼,迷迷糊糊跟你去。路上,遇到不同院校的學生,大家同樣神色凝重,快步急步疾步,步向遊行大隊,加入其中。差不多的髮型,近乎一式一樣的衣著,同樣的年輕熱血,再也分不出我你他。499Please respect copyright.PENANATNfQgtjuZX
499Please respect copyright.PENANAcF51HcKTAn
同喊口號,同舉旗幟,來到大馬路。499Please respect copyright.PENANAZToxREcDro
499Please respect copyright.PENANA3Kn05bEJku
我隊當中,不知是誰,用激昂的聲調,喊出沙啞不清的一句說話。我聽不到那人在喊甚麼,相信附近的人也聽不見。但在氛圍的感染下,我隊中人紛紛叫好。氣氛越炒越烈,在場眾人相繼紅了眼。499Please respect copyright.PENANAAkXEClmUfn
499Please respect copyright.PENANAzUZk4ROrXf
你額角青筋暴現,眼睛滿佈血絲,仇視著我隊以外的所有人。你只看到張張醜惡的臉,卻對多支火槍視而不見。499Please respect copyright.PENANA5xByqm9Hdk
499Please respect copyright.PENANAs9yE75b6ys
槍聲四起,我隊陣營被打散,你我齊齊奔向小巷。百多步的距離,成了一輩子的夢魘。混亂間,我被硬物擊傷頭部,血流成河。499Please respect copyright.PENANAU83gcMMgKz
499Please respect copyright.PENANAkAjLKbOTjx
你死抱著我,拼命將我拖離混世。隨著血水流失,我的身體變得不聽喚。想跑,卻跑不動。499Please respect copyright.PENANAebcYTftq5x
499Please respect copyright.PENANA1e3kJLT1Lx
我首次體驗到意識和身體的分離。499Please respect copyright.PENANAF0fLq1sqf6
499Please respect copyright.PENANADiVYngHZ0Q
分離以後,我的意識是「我」嗎?我的身體是「我」嗎?只有完整的我,才是「我」?如果我缺了手或缺了腳,我是「我」嗎?如果我的心意改變了,我是「我」嗎?變了調的我,是「我」嗎?若然,曾經的我是「我」嗎?現在的我也是「我」嗎?499Please respect copyright.PENANAFvVdwsUXuE
499Please respect copyright.PENANAO2mfW4Ghdb
意識中的連串問題,隨著身體的無力而陷入一片帶紅的黑。499Please respect copyright.PENANAy4ca0DEdpq
銀白月光下,廉價窗紗的針步更顯疏落,擋不了甚麼。它純粹是一層虛設的心理屏障,以便用家自欺欺人。499Please respect copyright.PENANAQ7D3lh6otA
499Please respect copyright.PENANAKSnkbcT0mN
「在想甚麼?」你的臉湊近我的裸背,鼻息噴得我背癢癢的:「還沒找到意義嗎?」499Please respect copyright.PENANAhGeHBfjzUy
499Please respect copyright.PENANAOImmga3ngO
我轉身,沒回話,隨你把臉埋在我的胸脯間。499Please respect copyright.PENANArugnTTUs3B
499Please respect copyright.PENANAWWJjo59a73
「為何偏要這麼辛苦?」你的臉向上游移,移到我的眼角,吻走我的苦淚。「何不乾脆接受我告訴你的答案?」499Please respect copyright.PENANAYgpPQXiMps
499Please respect copyright.PENANAyHjqAernLz
「因為那是你的答案,不是我的。」我愛你,因而拒絕將自己變成你。499Please respect copyright.PENANAYJKrqmdJKN
499Please respect copyright.PENANAG2tgGnJx1C
你眼珠子一轉,神色又再變得鬼馬:「其實,答案一早存在於你心間。若不知道自己的答案,你何以會知道我的答案和你的答案不同?」你反問,想把我擊倒。499Please respect copyright.PENANA5VDZZnuiBL
499Please respect copyright.PENANApPTCOAgWoU
「這是取巧。藉著否定你的答案來肯定我的答案。」我莞爾一笑,用指尖挑一挑他的耳珠:「若果你不在我的身邊,我豈不是沒能找到答案?」499Please respect copyright.PENANAZjAStsajuq
499Please respect copyright.PENANAKBZ3LuD1XZ
「我怎會不在你身邊?」你吻著我,讓我感受到自己的存在。「這些年,我一直在你身邊。」499Please respect copyright.PENANAV0VgUeH4sl
499Please respect copyright.PENANAxar3mTOOTD
十年。當身邊眾人以不同形式離棄我時,只有你仍在我身邊。我們攜手由熱血的學生,蛻變成繁華盛世的犧牲品。499Please respect copyright.PENANAvkfA3BNdvr
499Please respect copyright.PENANAtvnrRweIYS
你唸誦《雙城記》的名句:「那是最好的時代,那是最壞的時代;那是智慧的時代,那是愚蠢的時代;那是信任的時代,那是懷疑的時代;那是光明的季節,那是黑暗的季節;那是希望之春,那是絕望之冬;我們應有盡有,我們一無所有;我們直奔天堂,我們直奔地獄…」499Please respect copyright.PENANAAQSnU2pCdL
499Please respect copyright.PENANA1AuNitvivW
沒有我們的卑賤,就沒有他們的高貴。我們的卑賤成就他們的高貴。卑賤的我們比高貴的他們更高貴,高貴的他們比卑賤的我們更卑賤。499Please respect copyright.PENANA0GXZAOoEQC
499Please respect copyright.PENANAhFvqZPVmK1
你突然翻起被鋪,扶起我。牽我手,輕托我的背,和我踏起慢三步。漆黑的房間,反射白月光的人體。烏亮的煩惱絲,白晳的皮膚。深不見底的黑瞳,水潤亮麗的眼白。499Please respect copyright.PENANAvHhRSlBZQX
499Please respect copyright.PENANA4rkeTsQeY3
「藉著『你』,能體驗『我』的存在?」我依偎在你結實的胸膛。499Please respect copyright.PENANAcgUUxeEXIk
499Please respect copyright.PENANAgpfqUJNLds
你沒開腔,默默用心跳聲作答。499Please respect copyright.PENANAdmxyPw2yJ1
世界累了,重歸寧靜。你已然入睡,我呆望窗外銀月,思考你的說話。499Please respect copyright.PENANAlMYmaQvQKh
499Please respect copyright.PENANAiObRW1uuCe
難道,如你所言,我一直找不到「我」,是因為我沒試過藉由「你」去體驗「我」?499Please respect copyright.PENANAAKegUCxsVs
499Please respect copyright.PENANAMyE7usmVRh
如果「我」是確實存在的,那又何需要藉「你」的存在去體驗?499Please respect copyright.PENANAlr0jA5HNw7
499Please respect copyright.PENANAYL5KfghwAo
除非你我本為一體,沒有你,就沒有我。499Please respect copyright.PENANAxgPqaKSN1V
499Please respect copyright.PENANA8E5jdUDMoB
對。如果當日沒有你,我已然不存在。499Please respect copyright.PENANAhj1Izvy8aL
499Please respect copyright.PENANAU7nlP7Wbhl
想不懂,為何當日你不放棄我,就此逃去?在那種情況下,沒有人會怪責你。問誰都想和愛人共度每個月落日出,想和家人閒話家常,想和朋友嬉笑耍樂…人生的每個片段、每個感覺,全都構建在關係之上。這就是「藉由『你』去體驗『我』」的意思嗎?499Please respect copyright.PENANAFEm2koNtOQ
499Please respect copyright.PENANA6Z3Zoa19Qy
月落日出,微弱的光線下,黑與白變得相似,卻硬是找不到平衡點,成不了灰調。499Please respect copyright.PENANAxfbM9XYGzu
499Please respect copyright.PENANAiTWxtahyAN
你要起床上班去。我為你備好梳洗用的毛巾和溫水、暖胃的白粥與飽肚的糕點。用餐後,你頂著燙貼的短髮,穿戴整齊,準備出門去。499Please respect copyright.PENANAZqXTwGQiwE
499Please respect copyright.PENANASz7dtVgRAw
「你今天笑得很美。」臨行前,你突然回首笑問:「想通了甚麼?」499Please respect copyright.PENANAG3j385GUnj
499Please respect copyright.PENANAjYXDgmEah5
我頷首微笑。499Please respect copyright.PENANAzMdwghoVZq
499Please respect copyright.PENANAjB5f2mfO1i
「要和我到街上走一轉嗎?」你豁然舒心。499Please respect copyright.PENANAfx08zVgcm3
499Please respect copyright.PENANAYYv5UBGD8d
「不怕嗎?」我擔心自己會為你招來話柄。499Please respect copyright.PENANAHVdjUGJbum
499Please respect copyright.PENANAsiLBcd4ht1
「誰會怕和自己上街?」你捕捉到我的思路。499Please respect copyright.PENANAbwHcSmCtM0
499Please respect copyright.PENANAa6Qc3GNrul
我倆漫步大街上。晨光初耀,朝雪微溶。落在寒衣上的小雪花,有如新娘的嫁衣,純潔而動人。你嘴角微揚,懶理旁人的異樣目光,主動挽起我的手臂。輕輕一個舉動,完美填補我多年遺憾。499Please respect copyright.PENANAkrYyTvaEAg
499Please respect copyright.PENANAhSmY0xQmTa
我是個不能活在陽光底下的人。我是屬於暗黑的世界,只能在昏黃黯淡的舞池展現出最美豔的一面。絕美的花姑娘,永遠比不上你的新娘那樣美。499Please respect copyright.PENANA9SEWQftYtC
499Please respect copyright.PENANA7Uss58ESCE
我渴望身披白色嫁衣,頭戴白色曳地長紗,戴著白手套,手捧紅玫花束。你架著黑色大禮服,配上白襯衫、黑領結、白手套,手捧黑色高帽。我倆挽著手,在儐相和親朋好友的祝福下,完成莊嚴神聖的婚禮…499Please respect copyright.PENANAraABs4O75F
499Please respect copyright.PENANAl6UTZwypYq
你的家人討厭我,說我永遠沒資格成為你的妻子。你二話不說,離開家人,和我私奔,共住租來的狹小房間,齊齊找工作謀生。499Please respect copyright.PENANAxJg1Pyzu64
499Please respect copyright.PENANAlGGwnURVAi
「找別的工作,不要留在舞廳。」你介懷自己的女人與他人調情。499Please respect copyright.PENANA8x4oh7nmFb
499Please respect copyright.PENANAgtR7qriJpt
「頭傷以後,我的思緒極為紊亂,沒能勝任『正常』工作。我連倒夜香也幹不來呢!」我帶笑自揭瘡疤:「現在只懂說一些詩情畫意的話…」499Please respect copyright.PENANAuJPWBRriEz
499Please respect copyright.PENANAmmDv1vyAHn
你眼泛淚光,不置可否。我的情況,你比誰都更清楚。499Please respect copyright.PENANAQ3sj7ZDTt9
499Please respect copyright.PENANACnal6izGhr
「不要緊啊!」我沒能改變現實,只好改變自己對現實的看法:「我和你之間,不也是由詩情畫意的救國夢開始嗎?還有比救國更詩情畫意的事情嗎?」499Please respect copyright.PENANAUupcmgbYkj
499Please respect copyright.PENANAFJuXqC6EaG
「愛你才是最詩情畫意的事情!」你破涕為笑。499Please respect copyright.PENANAlb3LF2HGga
499Please respect copyright.PENANAbCgBot5zkN
「詩情畫意」是「不著邊際」的雅稱。救國夢是熱血的詩詞,情愛是羅曼蒂克的畫作。掛在嘴邊,看在眼內,叫人著迷。實則不著邊際,沒有明確的套路和方法去達到完美境界。499Please respect copyright.PENANAhYtV396UpK
499Please respect copyright.PENANAxN23DFVp0f
讚頌家鄉河山的歌謠,照相館櫥窗裡的幸福婚照,一切都是那麼真實卻又遙遠。反而,你的面容才是世上最實在的。十年,你的娃娃臉稚氣不減。你仍是曾經的你,最愛我的你。499Please respect copyright.PENANAjAtckyHSsS
「再過十年,當我年華老去,你仍會這樣愛我嗎?」我是最普通不過的小女人。害怕改變,害怕老去,害怕死去。499Please respect copyright.PENANA5peWPpye2c
499Please respect copyright.PENANAWJz9o22GQV
「只要你需要我的愛,我就會一直愛你。」你肉麻得窩心。還是現在的你較可愛,會開玩笑,懂得呵哄我。在學時期的你簡直是一頭蠻牛,脾氣暴躁,衝動魯莽。499Please respect copyright.PENANAeG6zhyIwr2
499Please respect copyright.PENANAC7Q5xpg9XU
「你是何時開始變得如此口甜舌滑?」我打趣道。499Please respect copyright.PENANAA3n9feFUxp
499Please respect copyright.PENANAScnzhLLYpK
你低頭望我,目無表情,臉色慘白。你眨眼的瞬間,身後現出熊熊烈火。圍著你的乾柴枝冒出濃濃黑煙,你的皮肉被薰黑、燒溶,你的脂肪滲出誘人香氣,你的森森白骨純潔無瑕。499Please respect copyright.PENANAo53BPGpQ0Q
499Please respect copyright.PENANAYfPAvEY5mK
你的家人撿起你的骨灰,裝入小瓶內,離開。在旁偷窺的我這才敢步近,收集餘燼。雪白的你和炭黑的柴灰混和一起,再也分不清彼此。我妒忌那柴灰。499Please respect copyright.PENANA28ifxOZ8MQ
499Please respect copyright.PENANAs8I5kgFY2B
吞下。499Please respect copyright.PENANA4BXsP9EGzM
499Please respect copyright.PENANAb4rCaoYcRQ
我要消化它,我要留住你。白皚皚的你從此留在我漆黑的體內,天荒地老。499Please respect copyright.PENANAn0mvph47yT
499Please respect copyright.PENANAhgkC49mWgV
強烈的焦味自喉頭湧上腦袋。頭痛欲裂。我使力按著頭上的舊傷口,擋著將要破繭而出的殷紅。傷口裂了,溢出無力的血。濃稠黏漿,是愁人的感覺。你死抱著我,拼命將我拖向小巷。我的身體不聽喚,想跑,卻跑不動。我的意識不聽喚,想清醒,卻又模糊起來。499Please respect copyright.PENANAaegGH4iJ3F
499Please respect copyright.PENANA4tUmPdEHnp
我抬頭望你,你的腦袋同樣開了洞。赤血染紅你的眼,沿著你的臉頰往下流,滴入我雙眸。你沒有放開我,死命的拖著我,跑向小巷。499Please respect copyright.PENANAQyVVgDixc1
499Please respect copyright.PENANAKMbQzS8WF4
雙雙倒下。面對面,你眼望我眼。我不知道,你是否真的在望著我,抑或只是單純地瞪大了眼。499Please respect copyright.PENANAk59jzChNDX
499Please respect copyright.PENANACBCOtcAclp
我沒力氣合上眼皮。我猜,你也是。499Please respect copyright.PENANAt03NFvzLw0
499Please respect copyright.PENANA4mPmrRzqoP
最後,我陷入一片帶紅的黑。499Please respect copyright.PENANA9oi9xuYOot
499Please respect copyright.PENANAFP1wf6qrmv
當我恢復意識時,整個世界已然一片皚白。白布掛樑,白衣披身。唇色蒼白,臉色慘白。溪錢是蒼涼的白,燭淚是委屈的白。自此,你成了白的代名詞。499Please respect copyright.PENANAGV54dKpw1l
499Please respect copyright.PENANAK61zPDk42z
在白茫茫的雪地上想起你,是最自然不過的事。擦身而過的每個路人都穿著白衣裳,長有你的臉。是你!是你!是你!漫天遍地均是你!美妙的時刻!我哈哈大笑起來,興奮地上前細看每個你。499Please respect copyright.PENANAve8yYDEFmr
499Please respect copyright.PENANAQQl4kwefYz
有些驚慌尖叫,有些敏捷地跑開,有些厭惡地推開我,有些伸手在我的胸脯上打圈轉,有些直接拉我到小巷裡去拳打腳踢。金錢財物首飾被搶劫一空,保暖衣衫被扒光,我赤條條地被埋在染紅的雪堆裡。499Please respect copyright.PENANAJ1666L0QLg
499Please respect copyright.PENANAW241Q5eHlS
我不喜歡這片紅,卻又不得不承認自己對它生起無比熟悉的感覺。紅,是你憤怒的雙眸,是我頭上的傷口,是熱血的詩詞,是羅曼蒂克的畫作,是你家人嘴邊的惡話,是我家灶邊的空米缸。大舞廳裡,水晶燈閃爍迷人,白光灑在黑皮椅上,熟悉的黑旗袍被壓在陌生的白西裝下,殷紅斷斷續續流了十年…499Please respect copyright.PENANAmPpr5KewJR
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因為紅,黑與白得以融和。朝朝暮暮,月月年年。499Please respect copyright.PENANAAi0Ttxi2Ln
499Please respect copyright.PENANAWLHieCgNA2
年年月月,暮暮朝朝。黑與白得以分離,因為紅。499Please respect copyright.PENANA9urpOTmbSJ
499Please respect copyright.PENANAQqTBBKmRd7
紅的溫度溶掉白,餘下黑。靜默的黑。永遠的黑。499Please respect copyright.PENANAlHTqq3Um9m
499Please respect copyright.PENANAVNWHIrr9Z9
*****(完)499Please respect copyright.PENANAabSqEv7gdM