舞台上燈光璀璨。鋼琴手、低音提琴手和鼓手隨心情奏起悠揚爵士樂,似醉非醉的雙眼放肆地打量著年輕歌女的背影。頭、頸、背、腰、臀、腿、踝…由上而下,自下至上,不停幻想著、愛戀著。台上樂聲更見淫靡,台下舞客更見放肆,雙雙對對的踏起醉人舞步來。楚楚衣冠之下,盡是半醒的軀殼:將白晝裡的自己拋諸腦後,只求在黑夜裡來一支迷失的慢三步。374Please respect copyright.PENANAE6xcETs2a7
374Please respect copyright.PENANA5ECEKWtM5s
一,二,三…374Please respect copyright.PENANAZJ6wWVUDlt
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一,二,三…374Please respect copyright.PENANAZZO8Apum78
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「你是誰?」你問我,口腔滲出一陣濃烈酒氣。我認得,那是經理在上個月花大錢購入的伏特加。374Please respect copyright.PENANA4hJ16fEEQT
374Please respect copyright.PENANAg7A51A9xPN
「我是『我』。」酒過三巡,我迷糊地交出自以為最好的答案,不想在高深的你面前出洋相。374Please respect copyright.PENANAyxxLC5aqRG
374Please respect copyright.PENANA13txbDKBxM
你竊笑,讚我很可愛,但也給我一個小建議:「你該答『我是紅桃』。」374Please respect copyright.PENANAP8SsKQM68N
374Please respect copyright.PENANA2PcLxTusH0
「我的答案有錯麼?」望著你的象牙白西裝,我鼓起兩腮,深深不忿。「紅桃」是經理給我起的藝名。奈何我打從心底裡生厭這名字。我不喜歡紅,也不喜歡逃。374Please respect copyright.PENANANtfQVltjhP
374Please respect copyright.PENANARUumEg5KoU
「沒有錯。不過沒意義。」你輕托我的下巴,就像要小貓咪抬頭那樣肆意。374Please respect copyright.PENANAI9DYEbCjly
374Please respect copyright.PENANAHKpsKlRYmi
我側過臉,嬌嗔帶笑地躲開你的逗弄。「若果,『我是我』是一件沒意義的事,難道『我是紅桃』會更有意義?」我不解,頭痛欲裂,不得不放下酒杯,後仰在黑皮椅背,瞇眼捕捉閃爍迷人的水晶燈光。374Please respect copyright.PENANA5EwLby8FLH
374Please respect copyright.PENANAgYdUGbLjii
「當然!『紅桃』能賺取收入。有收入,才能養活自己。養活自己,才能繼續思考做『我』是否真的沒意義。當『我』沒收入、活不了,那做『我』的意義,不也不存在了嗎?」說得興起,你竟變成小孩子,嬉皮笑臉,失儀地跪在地上,一頭埋在我的大腿間,在黑底碎花的絲質旗袍上磨蹭,嘟嚷著:「先讓我稍息一會。今晚才告訴你,當『紅桃』的意義!」374Please respect copyright.PENANAKRF62kztG9
374Please respect copyright.PENANAkNstqZpYdA
「好。我等你。」我低頭微笑,笑你伶牙俐齒。其實你的牙齒很好看,白得發亮。374Please respect copyright.PENANAdXv1fpfrlG
374Please respect copyright.PENANAlXp2ylC9RD
我和你赤條條地在床上水乳交融。二元,一體,互化。374Please respect copyright.PENANAyeK79tIbhm
374Please respect copyright.PENANACmfyKSLe5o
將我壓在胯下,你在我耳邊輕輕吹氣:「領略到意義沒?」374Please respect copyright.PENANAoFgi90Rgwj
374Please respect copyright.PENANAdscA1UFEmv
分不清你是有心或無意,發問的同時,你竟對我施力,讓我嬌喘得吐不出話來。374Please respect copyright.PENANA5Tn2xmUVYz
374Please respect copyright.PENANARf3MejXQLI
「那就繼續想想吧!」你是塗滿毒藥的蜜餞,給我歡愉,給我傷害。374Please respect copyright.PENANAAndH62U9mG
374Please respect copyright.PENANA5wk5y5P4Hk
我不明白自己何以會對你如此著迷,正如我不明白自己何以會對「我」產生執迷。374Please respect copyright.PENANAf6fYJjuatF
這種執迷,萌芽於青澀的年華。曾經,救國救民是生存的唯一意義,也是我和你之間的唯一話題。374Please respect copyright.PENANALOMGwy6jnr
374Please respect copyright.PENANA1rHAljy3jn
那一天,報章上的戰爭消息刺激了你。你氣得咬牙切齒,喊打喊殺,發誓要打倒入侵者的國,殺他們片甲不留。我欣賞你的志氣,但我不識趣地補充一句:「當然要把他們打走、要他們道歉和賠償,卻絕不能對他們生起趕盡殺絕之意!」374Please respect copyright.PENANAFJBgkQR3S4
374Please respect copyright.PENANAYlhhcl4rAt
火燒心,懷著剎那的衝動,你摑了我一記耳光,咆哮大叫:「難道你要等他們再殺回來?」話語間,恐懼多於仇恨,情感多於理智。374Please respect copyright.PENANA2bI7HZTOJ1
374Please respect copyright.PENANA6JHixVFjoK
「哪會殺得盡?你看!他們不也是想將我國滅掉,我倆不也是好好的站在這裡,商討如何反擊!同樣,我國亦沒能將他們根除。結果就是他們會好好的站在那邊,商討如何反擊我國!」我掩著滾燙的臉蛋,強抑眼淚:「我們想到的,他們也會想到。」374Please respect copyright.PENANAL5omhrbqej
374Please respect copyright.PENANAt8hRVZcXLa
「不要將我們和他們混為一談!」你的語氣略為收斂,眼神沒有剛才的兇狠,負面情緒盡洩在報紙之上:「也不要將我和你混為一談。」374Please respect copyright.PENANAMo3pQ5aDEZ
374Please respect copyright.PENANAO6QaETDLQz
報紙碎成漫天飛花,就像旗袍上的碎花那樣淒楚。374Please respect copyright.PENANA5YXd4gaoEM
374Please respect copyright.PENANASoYYgbspix
完事後,你躺在床上,閉目養神。我也沒有睡,側著身子,背對著你,面對著旗袍上的碎花圖案。我的旗袍是溫柔謐靜的黑,上邊有細細碎碎、白裡透紅的桃花圖案。那點微弱的紅,像憤怒的眼,又像無力的血。374Please respect copyright.PENANAO0V0PnxijD
374Please respect copyright.PENANAd1ESEAahbj
那一朝早,天還沒有亮得透,泛著教人倒胃口的魚肚白色。我被急促的敲門聲吵醒了,匆匆忙忙整理衣衫,應門去。門後是焦急如焚的你。你說大馬路那邊出亂子,需要大家聲援。374Please respect copyright.PENANAT3jYK7e12Q
374Please respect copyright.PENANA8uNqJ08BkB
我擦著惺忪睡眼,迷迷糊糊跟你去。路上,遇到不同院校的學生,大家同樣神色凝重,快步急步疾步,步向遊行大隊,加入其中。差不多的髮型,近乎一式一樣的衣著,同樣的年輕熱血,再也分不出我你他。374Please respect copyright.PENANAa9ILEtUFHb
374Please respect copyright.PENANAhOeWCJKbFf
同喊口號,同舉旗幟,來到大馬路。374Please respect copyright.PENANAob5keWHwer
374Please respect copyright.PENANAnm3SWOwVxn
我隊當中,不知是誰,用激昂的聲調,喊出沙啞不清的一句說話。我聽不到那人在喊甚麼,相信附近的人也聽不見。但在氛圍的感染下,我隊中人紛紛叫好。氣氛越炒越烈,在場眾人相繼紅了眼。374Please respect copyright.PENANA5XacwHojuM
374Please respect copyright.PENANApJkVRbsKci
你額角青筋暴現,眼睛滿佈血絲,仇視著我隊以外的所有人。你只看到張張醜惡的臉,卻對多支火槍視而不見。374Please respect copyright.PENANApoS43gq81Q
374Please respect copyright.PENANAZ0y0EcNMfv
槍聲四起,我隊陣營被打散,你我齊齊奔向小巷。百多步的距離,成了一輩子的夢魘。混亂間,我被硬物擊傷頭部,血流成河。374Please respect copyright.PENANAB51Dsfj8JJ
374Please respect copyright.PENANAHAfoMGF3t2
你死抱著我,拼命將我拖離混世。隨著血水流失,我的身體變得不聽喚。想跑,卻跑不動。374Please respect copyright.PENANA1WceFWyasX
374Please respect copyright.PENANA8ktuAbqVVq
我首次體驗到意識和身體的分離。374Please respect copyright.PENANAi5LSlDlJzY
374Please respect copyright.PENANADSWz7rV0S1
分離以後,我的意識是「我」嗎?我的身體是「我」嗎?只有完整的我,才是「我」?如果我缺了手或缺了腳,我是「我」嗎?如果我的心意改變了,我是「我」嗎?變了調的我,是「我」嗎?若然,曾經的我是「我」嗎?現在的我也是「我」嗎?374Please respect copyright.PENANAmswKc2vFCL
374Please respect copyright.PENANAYOhz0rJO61
意識中的連串問題,隨著身體的無力而陷入一片帶紅的黑。374Please respect copyright.PENANAeb0CIgc8xQ
銀白月光下,廉價窗紗的針步更顯疏落,擋不了甚麼。它純粹是一層虛設的心理屏障,以便用家自欺欺人。374Please respect copyright.PENANAeWbl8nrVhA
374Please respect copyright.PENANA1QWpok5aVu
「在想甚麼?」你的臉湊近我的裸背,鼻息噴得我背癢癢的:「還沒找到意義嗎?」374Please respect copyright.PENANAo0q8IErVUO
374Please respect copyright.PENANAUsQBLSjp37
我轉身,沒回話,隨你把臉埋在我的胸脯間。374Please respect copyright.PENANAw3jdp7ISCf
374Please respect copyright.PENANAVDYN7LsVfT
「為何偏要這麼辛苦?」你的臉向上游移,移到我的眼角,吻走我的苦淚。「何不乾脆接受我告訴你的答案?」374Please respect copyright.PENANA5pLz600G57
374Please respect copyright.PENANATcM45uPwog
「因為那是你的答案,不是我的。」我愛你,因而拒絕將自己變成你。374Please respect copyright.PENANA1Jvb0C3oMw
374Please respect copyright.PENANAO86OmICss8
你眼珠子一轉,神色又再變得鬼馬:「其實,答案一早存在於你心間。若不知道自己的答案,你何以會知道我的答案和你的答案不同?」你反問,想把我擊倒。374Please respect copyright.PENANAurVcAuyAzS
374Please respect copyright.PENANAQykvpLEbyi
「這是取巧。藉著否定你的答案來肯定我的答案。」我莞爾一笑,用指尖挑一挑他的耳珠:「若果你不在我的身邊,我豈不是沒能找到答案?」374Please respect copyright.PENANAhrd701timr
374Please respect copyright.PENANAdW6oKlv5LU
「我怎會不在你身邊?」你吻著我,讓我感受到自己的存在。「這些年,我一直在你身邊。」374Please respect copyright.PENANAuw4c2z6Ces
374Please respect copyright.PENANAJ5AVlni6ZW
十年。當身邊眾人以不同形式離棄我時,只有你仍在我身邊。我們攜手由熱血的學生,蛻變成繁華盛世的犧牲品。374Please respect copyright.PENANAamfRymc7yu
374Please respect copyright.PENANAHXLSJBUx5D
你唸誦《雙城記》的名句:「那是最好的時代,那是最壞的時代;那是智慧的時代,那是愚蠢的時代;那是信任的時代,那是懷疑的時代;那是光明的季節,那是黑暗的季節;那是希望之春,那是絕望之冬;我們應有盡有,我們一無所有;我們直奔天堂,我們直奔地獄…」374Please respect copyright.PENANAQFZbwTKuqn
374Please respect copyright.PENANAQVpcdJJ9gt
沒有我們的卑賤,就沒有他們的高貴。我們的卑賤成就他們的高貴。卑賤的我們比高貴的他們更高貴,高貴的他們比卑賤的我們更卑賤。374Please respect copyright.PENANAUdY26lPReD
374Please respect copyright.PENANAzZBEbGyOYK
你突然翻起被鋪,扶起我。牽我手,輕托我的背,和我踏起慢三步。漆黑的房間,反射白月光的人體。烏亮的煩惱絲,白晳的皮膚。深不見底的黑瞳,水潤亮麗的眼白。374Please respect copyright.PENANAfp1ppHXp4T
374Please respect copyright.PENANAi6EZcckIW5
「藉著『你』,能體驗『我』的存在?」我依偎在你結實的胸膛。374Please respect copyright.PENANAcXIxss7NBy
374Please respect copyright.PENANA8CFSJB3PjM
你沒開腔,默默用心跳聲作答。374Please respect copyright.PENANAvi04LJzg1c
世界累了,重歸寧靜。你已然入睡,我呆望窗外銀月,思考你的說話。374Please respect copyright.PENANA4jz0kqv3dI
374Please respect copyright.PENANAJh2ZPTzkPx
難道,如你所言,我一直找不到「我」,是因為我沒試過藉由「你」去體驗「我」?374Please respect copyright.PENANAzqB6swyfcR
374Please respect copyright.PENANAbXvYcxMfaQ
如果「我」是確實存在的,那又何需要藉「你」的存在去體驗?374Please respect copyright.PENANAV0Du00i2Pk
374Please respect copyright.PENANA9QB1ok5LfJ
除非你我本為一體,沒有你,就沒有我。374Please respect copyright.PENANAVMidgLfkzW
374Please respect copyright.PENANAI4TD1ikuKU
對。如果當日沒有你,我已然不存在。374Please respect copyright.PENANAGhaDbhcF7N
374Please respect copyright.PENANAGA1SA1LtEl
想不懂,為何當日你不放棄我,就此逃去?在那種情況下,沒有人會怪責你。問誰都想和愛人共度每個月落日出,想和家人閒話家常,想和朋友嬉笑耍樂…人生的每個片段、每個感覺,全都構建在關係之上。這就是「藉由『你』去體驗『我』」的意思嗎?374Please respect copyright.PENANAOB8ksf7TGv
374Please respect copyright.PENANAlnbhmYF4GZ
月落日出,微弱的光線下,黑與白變得相似,卻硬是找不到平衡點,成不了灰調。374Please respect copyright.PENANAJwMBmyQCDo
374Please respect copyright.PENANAek7MKl5VD8
你要起床上班去。我為你備好梳洗用的毛巾和溫水、暖胃的白粥與飽肚的糕點。用餐後,你頂著燙貼的短髮,穿戴整齊,準備出門去。374Please respect copyright.PENANAZDBenDVlle
374Please respect copyright.PENANATg1wMqDQUS
「你今天笑得很美。」臨行前,你突然回首笑問:「想通了甚麼?」374Please respect copyright.PENANAsj0nwCHu64
374Please respect copyright.PENANAGH8v8ruHeQ
我頷首微笑。374Please respect copyright.PENANAmL11Ox4d3F
374Please respect copyright.PENANAsgrCDZvoFy
「要和我到街上走一轉嗎?」你豁然舒心。374Please respect copyright.PENANAJ7OzEWhUOf
374Please respect copyright.PENANAZs8ImZznAd
「不怕嗎?」我擔心自己會為你招來話柄。374Please respect copyright.PENANAGMm0ttDA44
374Please respect copyright.PENANA25RzUMQuW3
「誰會怕和自己上街?」你捕捉到我的思路。374Please respect copyright.PENANArgQDSVvgM6
374Please respect copyright.PENANAz1excXVts3
我倆漫步大街上。晨光初耀,朝雪微溶。落在寒衣上的小雪花,有如新娘的嫁衣,純潔而動人。你嘴角微揚,懶理旁人的異樣目光,主動挽起我的手臂。輕輕一個舉動,完美填補我多年遺憾。374Please respect copyright.PENANAdoJ5tFfnzf
374Please respect copyright.PENANAuChc2mjt7U
我是個不能活在陽光底下的人。我是屬於暗黑的世界,只能在昏黃黯淡的舞池展現出最美豔的一面。絕美的花姑娘,永遠比不上你的新娘那樣美。374Please respect copyright.PENANAvEp7tt7FAp
374Please respect copyright.PENANA8Zre9zwjg6
我渴望身披白色嫁衣,頭戴白色曳地長紗,戴著白手套,手捧紅玫花束。你架著黑色大禮服,配上白襯衫、黑領結、白手套,手捧黑色高帽。我倆挽著手,在儐相和親朋好友的祝福下,完成莊嚴神聖的婚禮…374Please respect copyright.PENANA6L0sV8htdN
374Please respect copyright.PENANAMh6Scox9Wx
你的家人討厭我,說我永遠沒資格成為你的妻子。你二話不說,離開家人,和我私奔,共住租來的狹小房間,齊齊找工作謀生。374Please respect copyright.PENANAzwUkEa5uJe
374Please respect copyright.PENANAC3LJmJyfLH
「找別的工作,不要留在舞廳。」你介懷自己的女人與他人調情。374Please respect copyright.PENANA1Y1qZW0Keh
374Please respect copyright.PENANArbtQkT1IzE
「頭傷以後,我的思緒極為紊亂,沒能勝任『正常』工作。我連倒夜香也幹不來呢!」我帶笑自揭瘡疤:「現在只懂說一些詩情畫意的話…」374Please respect copyright.PENANAYVksWUo8qo
374Please respect copyright.PENANAD8VuenH2qa
你眼泛淚光,不置可否。我的情況,你比誰都更清楚。374Please respect copyright.PENANAC1Ljxpkx74
374Please respect copyright.PENANArxqfjvvxOC
「不要緊啊!」我沒能改變現實,只好改變自己對現實的看法:「我和你之間,不也是由詩情畫意的救國夢開始嗎?還有比救國更詩情畫意的事情嗎?」374Please respect copyright.PENANAwpKrNPBZhl
374Please respect copyright.PENANAttpakwPejA
「愛你才是最詩情畫意的事情!」你破涕為笑。374Please respect copyright.PENANA5229r10vvr
374Please respect copyright.PENANAUVlBO4vmTT
「詩情畫意」是「不著邊際」的雅稱。救國夢是熱血的詩詞,情愛是羅曼蒂克的畫作。掛在嘴邊,看在眼內,叫人著迷。實則不著邊際,沒有明確的套路和方法去達到完美境界。374Please respect copyright.PENANAi2a3aLFEdy
374Please respect copyright.PENANA1j1YuZmCuT
讚頌家鄉河山的歌謠,照相館櫥窗裡的幸福婚照,一切都是那麼真實卻又遙遠。反而,你的面容才是世上最實在的。十年,你的娃娃臉稚氣不減。你仍是曾經的你,最愛我的你。374Please respect copyright.PENANAVF1oOeCQ4t
「再過十年,當我年華老去,你仍會這樣愛我嗎?」我是最普通不過的小女人。害怕改變,害怕老去,害怕死去。374Please respect copyright.PENANAWFLdAJi0QP
374Please respect copyright.PENANAW97bWZBHFn
「只要你需要我的愛,我就會一直愛你。」你肉麻得窩心。還是現在的你較可愛,會開玩笑,懂得呵哄我。在學時期的你簡直是一頭蠻牛,脾氣暴躁,衝動魯莽。374Please respect copyright.PENANAqOrIEe2Nkg
374Please respect copyright.PENANAS3CCSKN689
「你是何時開始變得如此口甜舌滑?」我打趣道。374Please respect copyright.PENANA2rctNJv6oy
374Please respect copyright.PENANAoRIjll1afy
你低頭望我,目無表情,臉色慘白。你眨眼的瞬間,身後現出熊熊烈火。圍著你的乾柴枝冒出濃濃黑煙,你的皮肉被薰黑、燒溶,你的脂肪滲出誘人香氣,你的森森白骨純潔無瑕。374Please respect copyright.PENANAzrlzUWyp2R
374Please respect copyright.PENANAZr2aytfaa4
你的家人撿起你的骨灰,裝入小瓶內,離開。在旁偷窺的我這才敢步近,收集餘燼。雪白的你和炭黑的柴灰混和一起,再也分不清彼此。我妒忌那柴灰。374Please respect copyright.PENANAKAjLxxaGJl
374Please respect copyright.PENANApGcjhbJKXZ
吞下。374Please respect copyright.PENANAk6WwELGuoa
374Please respect copyright.PENANAaTCgRdBpDE
我要消化它,我要留住你。白皚皚的你從此留在我漆黑的體內,天荒地老。374Please respect copyright.PENANAqtX5EnsCE9
374Please respect copyright.PENANAvxSvI75s70
強烈的焦味自喉頭湧上腦袋。頭痛欲裂。我使力按著頭上的舊傷口,擋著將要破繭而出的殷紅。傷口裂了,溢出無力的血。濃稠黏漿,是愁人的感覺。你死抱著我,拼命將我拖向小巷。我的身體不聽喚,想跑,卻跑不動。我的意識不聽喚,想清醒,卻又模糊起來。374Please respect copyright.PENANAESxEkdyxQj
374Please respect copyright.PENANApZTTXYDv5c
我抬頭望你,你的腦袋同樣開了洞。赤血染紅你的眼,沿著你的臉頰往下流,滴入我雙眸。你沒有放開我,死命的拖著我,跑向小巷。374Please respect copyright.PENANAqKnEk0Jgig
374Please respect copyright.PENANAsnE6w3bRcq
雙雙倒下。面對面,你眼望我眼。我不知道,你是否真的在望著我,抑或只是單純地瞪大了眼。374Please respect copyright.PENANAoDnVDj3BhN
374Please respect copyright.PENANAgNO60T0fw1
我沒力氣合上眼皮。我猜,你也是。374Please respect copyright.PENANAQ113iAjVtQ
374Please respect copyright.PENANAi1EpMzJEb7
最後,我陷入一片帶紅的黑。374Please respect copyright.PENANAYalmfGQt8c
374Please respect copyright.PENANAkJRjThyQSK
當我恢復意識時,整個世界已然一片皚白。白布掛樑,白衣披身。唇色蒼白,臉色慘白。溪錢是蒼涼的白,燭淚是委屈的白。自此,你成了白的代名詞。374Please respect copyright.PENANAHysVYvw6DG
374Please respect copyright.PENANABxQC2XAdQs
在白茫茫的雪地上想起你,是最自然不過的事。擦身而過的每個路人都穿著白衣裳,長有你的臉。是你!是你!是你!漫天遍地均是你!美妙的時刻!我哈哈大笑起來,興奮地上前細看每個你。374Please respect copyright.PENANAKR6yIHPRii
374Please respect copyright.PENANAqLJr720PPv
有些驚慌尖叫,有些敏捷地跑開,有些厭惡地推開我,有些伸手在我的胸脯上打圈轉,有些直接拉我到小巷裡去拳打腳踢。金錢財物首飾被搶劫一空,保暖衣衫被扒光,我赤條條地被埋在染紅的雪堆裡。374Please respect copyright.PENANAkG7puL7ve6
374Please respect copyright.PENANAQO5MlZJYtJ
我不喜歡這片紅,卻又不得不承認自己對它生起無比熟悉的感覺。紅,是你憤怒的雙眸,是我頭上的傷口,是熱血的詩詞,是羅曼蒂克的畫作,是你家人嘴邊的惡話,是我家灶邊的空米缸。大舞廳裡,水晶燈閃爍迷人,白光灑在黑皮椅上,熟悉的黑旗袍被壓在陌生的白西裝下,殷紅斷斷續續流了十年…374Please respect copyright.PENANAjJvVxWHVEy
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因為紅,黑與白得以融和。朝朝暮暮,月月年年。374Please respect copyright.PENANAc00WiFyqnG
374Please respect copyright.PENANAbGX2Pfo2Rj
年年月月,暮暮朝朝。黑與白得以分離,因為紅。374Please respect copyright.PENANA1jeg1bEOd5
374Please respect copyright.PENANAeXo32E6SAB
紅的溫度溶掉白,餘下黑。靜默的黑。永遠的黑。374Please respect copyright.PENANAm1T1tb0vzu
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*****(完)374Please respect copyright.PENANAghnJ1txCP2