舞台上燈光璀璨。鋼琴手、低音提琴手和鼓手隨心情奏起悠揚爵士樂,似醉非醉的雙眼放肆地打量著年輕歌女的背影。頭、頸、背、腰、臀、腿、踝…由上而下,自下至上,不停幻想著、愛戀著。台上樂聲更見淫靡,台下舞客更見放肆,雙雙對對的踏起醉人舞步來。楚楚衣冠之下,盡是半醒的軀殼:將白晝裡的自己拋諸腦後,只求在黑夜裡來一支迷失的慢三步。380Please respect copyright.PENANAbz2I585yEf
380Please respect copyright.PENANAElfUEJZutC
一,二,三…380Please respect copyright.PENANA4WJEUZA4OH
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一,二,三…380Please respect copyright.PENANAFiHB7yIdrp
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「你是誰?」你問我,口腔滲出一陣濃烈酒氣。我認得,那是經理在上個月花大錢購入的伏特加。380Please respect copyright.PENANA1G0Xanqx2V
380Please respect copyright.PENANAMjfqaRxpAa
「我是『我』。」酒過三巡,我迷糊地交出自以為最好的答案,不想在高深的你面前出洋相。380Please respect copyright.PENANALQX1KCQMUB
380Please respect copyright.PENANAO6RU3v6fdZ
你竊笑,讚我很可愛,但也給我一個小建議:「你該答『我是紅桃』。」380Please respect copyright.PENANAtISMGQyiMW
380Please respect copyright.PENANA5XNsKHCWxZ
「我的答案有錯麼?」望著你的象牙白西裝,我鼓起兩腮,深深不忿。「紅桃」是經理給我起的藝名。奈何我打從心底裡生厭這名字。我不喜歡紅,也不喜歡逃。380Please respect copyright.PENANA9RWPVPiJ2g
380Please respect copyright.PENANAhBcnqF3F2I
「沒有錯。不過沒意義。」你輕托我的下巴,就像要小貓咪抬頭那樣肆意。380Please respect copyright.PENANADzy5CK0Mue
380Please respect copyright.PENANAyQB9Dv6nci
我側過臉,嬌嗔帶笑地躲開你的逗弄。「若果,『我是我』是一件沒意義的事,難道『我是紅桃』會更有意義?」我不解,頭痛欲裂,不得不放下酒杯,後仰在黑皮椅背,瞇眼捕捉閃爍迷人的水晶燈光。380Please respect copyright.PENANAg3nwwcKqMm
380Please respect copyright.PENANAHvJbjzDwYr
「當然!『紅桃』能賺取收入。有收入,才能養活自己。養活自己,才能繼續思考做『我』是否真的沒意義。當『我』沒收入、活不了,那做『我』的意義,不也不存在了嗎?」說得興起,你竟變成小孩子,嬉皮笑臉,失儀地跪在地上,一頭埋在我的大腿間,在黑底碎花的絲質旗袍上磨蹭,嘟嚷著:「先讓我稍息一會。今晚才告訴你,當『紅桃』的意義!」380Please respect copyright.PENANAhZi1KJ1xSW
380Please respect copyright.PENANATj3HwpiMQv
「好。我等你。」我低頭微笑,笑你伶牙俐齒。其實你的牙齒很好看,白得發亮。380Please respect copyright.PENANAErgbtJ9FRQ
380Please respect copyright.PENANAjjpFA5k3ui
我和你赤條條地在床上水乳交融。二元,一體,互化。380Please respect copyright.PENANABBPucl9QUN
380Please respect copyright.PENANAc7mkNIs3rp
將我壓在胯下,你在我耳邊輕輕吹氣:「領略到意義沒?」380Please respect copyright.PENANAiRcLMZe9JQ
380Please respect copyright.PENANAHS1QyHHic4
分不清你是有心或無意,發問的同時,你竟對我施力,讓我嬌喘得吐不出話來。380Please respect copyright.PENANAcHRDxe2TzK
380Please respect copyright.PENANAqi7WsaiAj8
「那就繼續想想吧!」你是塗滿毒藥的蜜餞,給我歡愉,給我傷害。380Please respect copyright.PENANAyBuUWAjudY
380Please respect copyright.PENANAju3XZXzDcp
我不明白自己何以會對你如此著迷,正如我不明白自己何以會對「我」產生執迷。380Please respect copyright.PENANAhoJLtdXhgL
這種執迷,萌芽於青澀的年華。曾經,救國救民是生存的唯一意義,也是我和你之間的唯一話題。380Please respect copyright.PENANAeRfkxo40jy
380Please respect copyright.PENANAnYxmSTYPP2
那一天,報章上的戰爭消息刺激了你。你氣得咬牙切齒,喊打喊殺,發誓要打倒入侵者的國,殺他們片甲不留。我欣賞你的志氣,但我不識趣地補充一句:「當然要把他們打走、要他們道歉和賠償,卻絕不能對他們生起趕盡殺絕之意!」380Please respect copyright.PENANAuStEoX4FwM
380Please respect copyright.PENANAApJxpYpjYw
火燒心,懷著剎那的衝動,你摑了我一記耳光,咆哮大叫:「難道你要等他們再殺回來?」話語間,恐懼多於仇恨,情感多於理智。380Please respect copyright.PENANAEPAovTlVC0
380Please respect copyright.PENANATowWuzBKgo
「哪會殺得盡?你看!他們不也是想將我國滅掉,我倆不也是好好的站在這裡,商討如何反擊!同樣,我國亦沒能將他們根除。結果就是他們會好好的站在那邊,商討如何反擊我國!」我掩著滾燙的臉蛋,強抑眼淚:「我們想到的,他們也會想到。」380Please respect copyright.PENANArTaaBsmV5O
380Please respect copyright.PENANAEQL5m2wPal
「不要將我們和他們混為一談!」你的語氣略為收斂,眼神沒有剛才的兇狠,負面情緒盡洩在報紙之上:「也不要將我和你混為一談。」380Please respect copyright.PENANA4Su19lsfBU
380Please respect copyright.PENANAmKwfr5Vt89
報紙碎成漫天飛花,就像旗袍上的碎花那樣淒楚。380Please respect copyright.PENANAEiuTj1zmHg
380Please respect copyright.PENANAdQGq7N29Yr
完事後,你躺在床上,閉目養神。我也沒有睡,側著身子,背對著你,面對著旗袍上的碎花圖案。我的旗袍是溫柔謐靜的黑,上邊有細細碎碎、白裡透紅的桃花圖案。那點微弱的紅,像憤怒的眼,又像無力的血。380Please respect copyright.PENANAjjHILYH5tz
380Please respect copyright.PENANAbI6MAo8Ri5
那一朝早,天還沒有亮得透,泛著教人倒胃口的魚肚白色。我被急促的敲門聲吵醒了,匆匆忙忙整理衣衫,應門去。門後是焦急如焚的你。你說大馬路那邊出亂子,需要大家聲援。380Please respect copyright.PENANAwKej4Swp7F
380Please respect copyright.PENANAd8brNAd4ND
我擦著惺忪睡眼,迷迷糊糊跟你去。路上,遇到不同院校的學生,大家同樣神色凝重,快步急步疾步,步向遊行大隊,加入其中。差不多的髮型,近乎一式一樣的衣著,同樣的年輕熱血,再也分不出我你他。380Please respect copyright.PENANAyfO2rIGcDs
380Please respect copyright.PENANABnqQTM30gy
同喊口號,同舉旗幟,來到大馬路。380Please respect copyright.PENANAIC1CTd7N50
380Please respect copyright.PENANAzJpXyTWN2T
我隊當中,不知是誰,用激昂的聲調,喊出沙啞不清的一句說話。我聽不到那人在喊甚麼,相信附近的人也聽不見。但在氛圍的感染下,我隊中人紛紛叫好。氣氛越炒越烈,在場眾人相繼紅了眼。380Please respect copyright.PENANAymwliJ1fpR
380Please respect copyright.PENANAOtBhfwrR9e
你額角青筋暴現,眼睛滿佈血絲,仇視著我隊以外的所有人。你只看到張張醜惡的臉,卻對多支火槍視而不見。380Please respect copyright.PENANAWZJFhV3Q3B
380Please respect copyright.PENANAHUHEfEoqiy
槍聲四起,我隊陣營被打散,你我齊齊奔向小巷。百多步的距離,成了一輩子的夢魘。混亂間,我被硬物擊傷頭部,血流成河。380Please respect copyright.PENANAXijqMrpshv
380Please respect copyright.PENANAPexGS3qFM8
你死抱著我,拼命將我拖離混世。隨著血水流失,我的身體變得不聽喚。想跑,卻跑不動。380Please respect copyright.PENANAyXlSLeIFFw
380Please respect copyright.PENANAT5Cb9oWo6Q
我首次體驗到意識和身體的分離。380Please respect copyright.PENANACD5PaORGmc
380Please respect copyright.PENANAtILnSXlgyJ
分離以後,我的意識是「我」嗎?我的身體是「我」嗎?只有完整的我,才是「我」?如果我缺了手或缺了腳,我是「我」嗎?如果我的心意改變了,我是「我」嗎?變了調的我,是「我」嗎?若然,曾經的我是「我」嗎?現在的我也是「我」嗎?380Please respect copyright.PENANAI4Gf7aKHDF
380Please respect copyright.PENANAjHsQFlxzB3
意識中的連串問題,隨著身體的無力而陷入一片帶紅的黑。380Please respect copyright.PENANALKseTgSUX8
銀白月光下,廉價窗紗的針步更顯疏落,擋不了甚麼。它純粹是一層虛設的心理屏障,以便用家自欺欺人。380Please respect copyright.PENANA2eUWkFxMs2
380Please respect copyright.PENANA91oIDX59lH
「在想甚麼?」你的臉湊近我的裸背,鼻息噴得我背癢癢的:「還沒找到意義嗎?」380Please respect copyright.PENANAuYsKlyjq1O
380Please respect copyright.PENANAJRD95XSDpj
我轉身,沒回話,隨你把臉埋在我的胸脯間。380Please respect copyright.PENANARDHTsHyDkp
380Please respect copyright.PENANAjL4nFMO30L
「為何偏要這麼辛苦?」你的臉向上游移,移到我的眼角,吻走我的苦淚。「何不乾脆接受我告訴你的答案?」380Please respect copyright.PENANAqWukWW2BcF
380Please respect copyright.PENANAZsU7uZPPzH
「因為那是你的答案,不是我的。」我愛你,因而拒絕將自己變成你。380Please respect copyright.PENANAtDTj5WLOjV
380Please respect copyright.PENANANk5mgCNY3a
你眼珠子一轉,神色又再變得鬼馬:「其實,答案一早存在於你心間。若不知道自己的答案,你何以會知道我的答案和你的答案不同?」你反問,想把我擊倒。380Please respect copyright.PENANAraxGTENpok
380Please respect copyright.PENANA9w7tkvCoZZ
「這是取巧。藉著否定你的答案來肯定我的答案。」我莞爾一笑,用指尖挑一挑他的耳珠:「若果你不在我的身邊,我豈不是沒能找到答案?」380Please respect copyright.PENANACXXyRSgxEp
380Please respect copyright.PENANA8bIt2nO6JP
「我怎會不在你身邊?」你吻著我,讓我感受到自己的存在。「這些年,我一直在你身邊。」380Please respect copyright.PENANA3W0nizsCN4
380Please respect copyright.PENANA0KhZBz2nK3
十年。當身邊眾人以不同形式離棄我時,只有你仍在我身邊。我們攜手由熱血的學生,蛻變成繁華盛世的犧牲品。380Please respect copyright.PENANAfFuWiPLcWs
380Please respect copyright.PENANArXZmCQRSCK
你唸誦《雙城記》的名句:「那是最好的時代,那是最壞的時代;那是智慧的時代,那是愚蠢的時代;那是信任的時代,那是懷疑的時代;那是光明的季節,那是黑暗的季節;那是希望之春,那是絕望之冬;我們應有盡有,我們一無所有;我們直奔天堂,我們直奔地獄…」380Please respect copyright.PENANAgn48xvdvTY
380Please respect copyright.PENANAZkoxLvfeoN
沒有我們的卑賤,就沒有他們的高貴。我們的卑賤成就他們的高貴。卑賤的我們比高貴的他們更高貴,高貴的他們比卑賤的我們更卑賤。380Please respect copyright.PENANA6w3LTcqmHF
380Please respect copyright.PENANAouvkJbF2fS
你突然翻起被鋪,扶起我。牽我手,輕托我的背,和我踏起慢三步。漆黑的房間,反射白月光的人體。烏亮的煩惱絲,白晳的皮膚。深不見底的黑瞳,水潤亮麗的眼白。380Please respect copyright.PENANAJK4k4hfpc9
380Please respect copyright.PENANAfdIsvYBQaX
「藉著『你』,能體驗『我』的存在?」我依偎在你結實的胸膛。380Please respect copyright.PENANAM2UxV7pQoQ
380Please respect copyright.PENANAgJbwY31All
你沒開腔,默默用心跳聲作答。380Please respect copyright.PENANANacfvvrldW
世界累了,重歸寧靜。你已然入睡,我呆望窗外銀月,思考你的說話。380Please respect copyright.PENANAsCdL6fY3i8
380Please respect copyright.PENANAyVF5ovcUVA
難道,如你所言,我一直找不到「我」,是因為我沒試過藉由「你」去體驗「我」?380Please respect copyright.PENANAf49oEtA4nh
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如果「我」是確實存在的,那又何需要藉「你」的存在去體驗?380Please respect copyright.PENANAc9bPwCGeDd
380Please respect copyright.PENANAACMplphbRJ
除非你我本為一體,沒有你,就沒有我。380Please respect copyright.PENANAxLsxcSQGuR
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對。如果當日沒有你,我已然不存在。380Please respect copyright.PENANAStWa9A9OjG
380Please respect copyright.PENANAAEsjQWhWwg
想不懂,為何當日你不放棄我,就此逃去?在那種情況下,沒有人會怪責你。問誰都想和愛人共度每個月落日出,想和家人閒話家常,想和朋友嬉笑耍樂…人生的每個片段、每個感覺,全都構建在關係之上。這就是「藉由『你』去體驗『我』」的意思嗎?380Please respect copyright.PENANAj0s1aSZKDj
380Please respect copyright.PENANAYentR46ygl
月落日出,微弱的光線下,黑與白變得相似,卻硬是找不到平衡點,成不了灰調。380Please respect copyright.PENANAxNLQXS5aLb
380Please respect copyright.PENANAhiXtkk6aU8
你要起床上班去。我為你備好梳洗用的毛巾和溫水、暖胃的白粥與飽肚的糕點。用餐後,你頂著燙貼的短髮,穿戴整齊,準備出門去。380Please respect copyright.PENANAkxDrk1m2j5
380Please respect copyright.PENANARjbPw6JIdh
「你今天笑得很美。」臨行前,你突然回首笑問:「想通了甚麼?」380Please respect copyright.PENANATOhMVZe8SQ
380Please respect copyright.PENANAJYruhReVxD
我頷首微笑。380Please respect copyright.PENANADDaWcW5Umb
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「要和我到街上走一轉嗎?」你豁然舒心。380Please respect copyright.PENANAn9xSp6IrU5
380Please respect copyright.PENANACb5SzSWeOQ
「不怕嗎?」我擔心自己會為你招來話柄。380Please respect copyright.PENANAEQUiw3XnlL
380Please respect copyright.PENANATP2CVrJD2S
「誰會怕和自己上街?」你捕捉到我的思路。380Please respect copyright.PENANAkDJ0b1ktZo
380Please respect copyright.PENANAf2C5XzBkCK
我倆漫步大街上。晨光初耀,朝雪微溶。落在寒衣上的小雪花,有如新娘的嫁衣,純潔而動人。你嘴角微揚,懶理旁人的異樣目光,主動挽起我的手臂。輕輕一個舉動,完美填補我多年遺憾。380Please respect copyright.PENANAMF3EWNN4Qd
380Please respect copyright.PENANAJFC3qxL1U3
我是個不能活在陽光底下的人。我是屬於暗黑的世界,只能在昏黃黯淡的舞池展現出最美豔的一面。絕美的花姑娘,永遠比不上你的新娘那樣美。380Please respect copyright.PENANAQlBHZoYruh
380Please respect copyright.PENANAAYl4uHzIln
我渴望身披白色嫁衣,頭戴白色曳地長紗,戴著白手套,手捧紅玫花束。你架著黑色大禮服,配上白襯衫、黑領結、白手套,手捧黑色高帽。我倆挽著手,在儐相和親朋好友的祝福下,完成莊嚴神聖的婚禮…380Please respect copyright.PENANA5IvLiH7mOp
380Please respect copyright.PENANAQq2oVJOSmB
你的家人討厭我,說我永遠沒資格成為你的妻子。你二話不說,離開家人,和我私奔,共住租來的狹小房間,齊齊找工作謀生。380Please respect copyright.PENANA4MfxZn5HPO
380Please respect copyright.PENANAATQAOHcUag
「找別的工作,不要留在舞廳。」你介懷自己的女人與他人調情。380Please respect copyright.PENANA2p7iDcVPSB
380Please respect copyright.PENANACWgWnJgkEn
「頭傷以後,我的思緒極為紊亂,沒能勝任『正常』工作。我連倒夜香也幹不來呢!」我帶笑自揭瘡疤:「現在只懂說一些詩情畫意的話…」380Please respect copyright.PENANA3iNo9S2uHl
380Please respect copyright.PENANAxOthKkjTga
你眼泛淚光,不置可否。我的情況,你比誰都更清楚。380Please respect copyright.PENANAoGCTIgWZPw
380Please respect copyright.PENANAySQoGilAiT
「不要緊啊!」我沒能改變現實,只好改變自己對現實的看法:「我和你之間,不也是由詩情畫意的救國夢開始嗎?還有比救國更詩情畫意的事情嗎?」380Please respect copyright.PENANAT4B3FQ2I3Z
380Please respect copyright.PENANA769LYDTVhb
「愛你才是最詩情畫意的事情!」你破涕為笑。380Please respect copyright.PENANAbcMBLbXW2r
380Please respect copyright.PENANAA7x4uDOPOB
「詩情畫意」是「不著邊際」的雅稱。救國夢是熱血的詩詞,情愛是羅曼蒂克的畫作。掛在嘴邊,看在眼內,叫人著迷。實則不著邊際,沒有明確的套路和方法去達到完美境界。380Please respect copyright.PENANAIojadwmoOe
380Please respect copyright.PENANASd1Qm5u3LA
讚頌家鄉河山的歌謠,照相館櫥窗裡的幸福婚照,一切都是那麼真實卻又遙遠。反而,你的面容才是世上最實在的。十年,你的娃娃臉稚氣不減。你仍是曾經的你,最愛我的你。380Please respect copyright.PENANADT9t4qiEsw
「再過十年,當我年華老去,你仍會這樣愛我嗎?」我是最普通不過的小女人。害怕改變,害怕老去,害怕死去。380Please respect copyright.PENANAzhUgRZKhXK
380Please respect copyright.PENANA7sE48UIckV
「只要你需要我的愛,我就會一直愛你。」你肉麻得窩心。還是現在的你較可愛,會開玩笑,懂得呵哄我。在學時期的你簡直是一頭蠻牛,脾氣暴躁,衝動魯莽。380Please respect copyright.PENANAmvZzwnhZy7
380Please respect copyright.PENANAjneqbiWXGU
「你是何時開始變得如此口甜舌滑?」我打趣道。380Please respect copyright.PENANAkbBGfWeTuk
380Please respect copyright.PENANAlcu6TBCrqi
你低頭望我,目無表情,臉色慘白。你眨眼的瞬間,身後現出熊熊烈火。圍著你的乾柴枝冒出濃濃黑煙,你的皮肉被薰黑、燒溶,你的脂肪滲出誘人香氣,你的森森白骨純潔無瑕。380Please respect copyright.PENANAtY54uWufUt
380Please respect copyright.PENANAeBHcPftWeS
你的家人撿起你的骨灰,裝入小瓶內,離開。在旁偷窺的我這才敢步近,收集餘燼。雪白的你和炭黑的柴灰混和一起,再也分不清彼此。我妒忌那柴灰。380Please respect copyright.PENANAZetijsDhuc
380Please respect copyright.PENANAZvZ0NMqn2w
吞下。380Please respect copyright.PENANAvAfPxOXBzx
380Please respect copyright.PENANARYsIoKESnG
我要消化它,我要留住你。白皚皚的你從此留在我漆黑的體內,天荒地老。380Please respect copyright.PENANA1OypgHyJZj
380Please respect copyright.PENANAdBQQ2MNDJS
強烈的焦味自喉頭湧上腦袋。頭痛欲裂。我使力按著頭上的舊傷口,擋著將要破繭而出的殷紅。傷口裂了,溢出無力的血。濃稠黏漿,是愁人的感覺。你死抱著我,拼命將我拖向小巷。我的身體不聽喚,想跑,卻跑不動。我的意識不聽喚,想清醒,卻又模糊起來。380Please respect copyright.PENANAvfo3fxQ9PU
380Please respect copyright.PENANAKKhGOZYLYF
我抬頭望你,你的腦袋同樣開了洞。赤血染紅你的眼,沿著你的臉頰往下流,滴入我雙眸。你沒有放開我,死命的拖著我,跑向小巷。380Please respect copyright.PENANAHu5tvY0RwI
380Please respect copyright.PENANAzrAdDTQgq5
雙雙倒下。面對面,你眼望我眼。我不知道,你是否真的在望著我,抑或只是單純地瞪大了眼。380Please respect copyright.PENANAs8WMS5N8VM
380Please respect copyright.PENANAFSBl3vmvK1
我沒力氣合上眼皮。我猜,你也是。380Please respect copyright.PENANAgozUT70r0M
380Please respect copyright.PENANADaq4rQAcye
最後,我陷入一片帶紅的黑。380Please respect copyright.PENANA3HWrxvDiEg
380Please respect copyright.PENANA7H6gCo2c8s
當我恢復意識時,整個世界已然一片皚白。白布掛樑,白衣披身。唇色蒼白,臉色慘白。溪錢是蒼涼的白,燭淚是委屈的白。自此,你成了白的代名詞。380Please respect copyright.PENANAi5hKU2vIFU
380Please respect copyright.PENANAnQ7ylTIfvi
在白茫茫的雪地上想起你,是最自然不過的事。擦身而過的每個路人都穿著白衣裳,長有你的臉。是你!是你!是你!漫天遍地均是你!美妙的時刻!我哈哈大笑起來,興奮地上前細看每個你。380Please respect copyright.PENANAk41Ck7Cm7G
380Please respect copyright.PENANADME0t47sIa
有些驚慌尖叫,有些敏捷地跑開,有些厭惡地推開我,有些伸手在我的胸脯上打圈轉,有些直接拉我到小巷裡去拳打腳踢。金錢財物首飾被搶劫一空,保暖衣衫被扒光,我赤條條地被埋在染紅的雪堆裡。380Please respect copyright.PENANApwljfHDXfi
380Please respect copyright.PENANAlMBuN2Fy79
我不喜歡這片紅,卻又不得不承認自己對它生起無比熟悉的感覺。紅,是你憤怒的雙眸,是我頭上的傷口,是熱血的詩詞,是羅曼蒂克的畫作,是你家人嘴邊的惡話,是我家灶邊的空米缸。大舞廳裡,水晶燈閃爍迷人,白光灑在黑皮椅上,熟悉的黑旗袍被壓在陌生的白西裝下,殷紅斷斷續續流了十年…380Please respect copyright.PENANAz8KhwUxGz3
380Please respect copyright.PENANArEaSx2hdoP
因為紅,黑與白得以融和。朝朝暮暮,月月年年。380Please respect copyright.PENANA92anI5cLY5
380Please respect copyright.PENANAuU9cwaJSGA
年年月月,暮暮朝朝。黑與白得以分離,因為紅。380Please respect copyright.PENANAyU5FpQAYY3
380Please respect copyright.PENANAvi3lc6b0MR
紅的溫度溶掉白,餘下黑。靜默的黑。永遠的黑。380Please respect copyright.PENANAH9932HnXUk
380Please respect copyright.PENANAzRZQyFKfJ2
*****(完)380Please respect copyright.PENANAszfEvmjAFD