Dear Friend,
It has been difficult to come to terms with the things you say. The things you do, the way you act. Sometimes towards others, sometimes towards yourself, sometimes towards me. I can deal with grumpy mood swings, teenage heartbreaks, arguments, I can deal with you at your worst. I can love you at your best. But that's not really my point.
I will not lie to you. I will not tell you that things are okay when I believe they are not and I will not defend you on anything. We may have conflicting views on some things, and I respect that. I respect that you have the decency to respect my perspective of situations. I can and I will respect yours, because you are a good and decent person who rarely has hurtful or negative views, especially when regarding other people. I respect you because I love you.
That being said, it is absolutely 100% unacceptable for you to accept the disrespect that others give you. I want you to be strong, and I want you to realize that you don't have to take it. You don't have to take a beating and you don't have to take their words to heart. You don't have to live with them and you don't have to talk to them in hallways. The world you see right now can be changed, it can always change, but I cannot change it for you. I plead you to change your situation because I love you, and I am afraid for you.
I will not write you a eulogy. You must have a very misconstrued conception of my faith and loyalty to you if you believe that I am going to aid your suicide. I will write you letter and leave you phone calls and stay up with you until my eyes are heavy and my head throbs. I will write you poems and messages until my fingers bleed, but I will not write your suicide notes. I will not write love upon your arms. I will not write your story, your tragedy. And if I have to, I will stop you, because I love you.
I will not ignore you. I will not ignore your passing remarks and the scars upon your arms. I will not brush past it until I know you are going to be okay. I will force myself into your head and drain the negativity and learned self-hate and fill it with optimism. I will not rest until I have bleed from your personality the worthless ideals you hold. I will prop you up, when you are screaming at me to let you die, I will force you to stand, because I love you.
I will force you out of your shell and seek for you the help you would deny yourself. It's not about being prideful, or seemingly put together, I will not think less of you. Your insecurity and way of not asking for help is killing me and means nothing to me. I will meet your gaze, hate in your eyes, and feel myself breaking. Yet I will stay strong, because one of us has to, and I will push you towards progress even if it means regressing myself, because I love you.
I am not going to I am not going to be the best friend that shares in your negative mentality, and I am not going to mope or smother myself in misanthropy. I am going to be positive and expect nothing less from you. I do not want to change you, I want to change your outlook. I want to help to end your suffering. reassure you that everything is fine, because it is not. I am going to be the harsh reality, the groundbreaking truth, when you realize that no one really cares and that you need the help, and I will be back at your side like nothing has ever changed. Nothing will cage my loyalty. Nothing will lessen my love.
I will not sit here and tell you that you are okay, because you are not. I will not hold your hand and reassure you that it's going to be okay, because it might not. I won't tell you that it will be better because you have to make it better yourself. I will probably not be able to hold you all of your life, because things have a way of screwing us over, but I will find my way to you when you call my name. I will not allow you to live recklessly and put yourself in danger And I will not allow you to embrace your sickness, because I love you.
I will not stay on dry land if it means that you are drowning. I will force you to either pull yourself up or pull me down with you, because I love you. I will keep coming back, in the hospital, and allow you to glare at me while you can keep your eyes open. I will drag you out of your mentality, out of your dull acceptance of bad things, kicking and screaming, if I have to.
I will not sit idly by and watch as you kill yourself, even if you want me to. I am not going to be the witness friend who loves you when you are gone. I will make you recover yourself if I have to, because I love you.
I love you so much, and even if you think I am against you, I really only just want you to be happy.
I have only ever wanted you to be happy, because I love you.
And you cannot be happy if you are not alive.
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