我站在門前許久，才忐忑不安的按下電鈴。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtH6dNtqKB4
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFirMZlLls3
出來應門的是個有些年紀的婦人。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRfiW2m9eVm
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO3y6xQqLYz
「請問，這是英傑的家嗎？」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ32TXwGDpVe
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzDf3CrZEZS
婦人露出狐疑的眼神。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡap2YmoFJaT
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXlUR2FdNlj
「妳是…？」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV7VcpHHcEs
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIXGOcL3W6Y
「我是英傑的朋友，因為我一直聯絡不到他，所以…」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm9bay0e4W9
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDEAlDMcvXE
「妳找錯間了，這裡沒這個人！」她揮揮手，避開我的眼神。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSYK1Y0Cx6f
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZDxBxKebCK
「我知道他被通緝！」在她準備關上裡面的木門前，我急著大喊。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBrR5uiBiTx
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW4Ns0isH1H
婦人停下動作，又把木門拉開了些。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4UxeCGhxdw
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWmJLPnWwgx
「他被通緝的時候我們還見過面，可是之後就斷了聯絡。」我解釋。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkbKrc3PM8D
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRsjX9Ic2QW
「妳是他女朋友？」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgxf7dVIZmQ
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK6tA2mWtYm
「不是，我不是，我是…他朋友。」我沒敢說出自己的身份。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4bogHGb0tR
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuPz9y4v7MR
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTBKFSe98IQ
「他沒和我們聯絡也很久了。」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmAtSFSzWJ2
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ9Xpb6PeGc
「還有人跟我說他死在外面了。」婦人用著台語說著，語氣平淡得不可思議。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4fvKavIRjY
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLKFMVMNpDC
我一時語塞，沒能回話。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfLZtYtXu8g
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvtuqY6fKmK
「讓妳跑一趟，歹勢，英傑不在這裡，我也不知道他在哪裡。」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjYw9HCSqXC
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfKi9q7JxH0
「那個…那，我可以留下我的手機，如果他有跟你們聯絡，請他跟我聯絡好嗎？」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKdFAvzdPzL
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ECfyYwKOZ
婦人一臉不耐煩，我很尷尬，但還是厚臉皮的寫下自己的號碼塞過鐵門，交到婦人手裡。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa94CuzLLvP
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKuiITNz2n2
「小姐貴姓？」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG5rgTprrdL
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvz9bmhRGCa
「我姓豺。」我回得迅速。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdinj8pCGPB
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiB5OI0ivaL
「………」婦人突然噤了聲，透過鐵門盯著我。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTDTFdlxcQp
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdyOMdJx1r2
「糟。」我心想。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ryNjPLZgo
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡltZJzbK3q2
她隨即關上木門。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOx7MFhKuE7
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE3l1szg7bh
「她知道我是誰了。」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYOdyFi50WZ
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI9LXaModu8
我當下便明白，不管英傑有沒有回到這裡，我都無法得知了。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEqQUDne3lq
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPBkLZyMZs0
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9BqIAFfFU8
唯一的線索就這麼斷了。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOshK39mzSZ
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjSZpiVHfTO
我不敢換手機號碼，睡覺時也不關機，就怕漏接了英傑打來的電話。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3WIO2sg9B9
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmOVXexvy2Z
就這樣升上了高中二年級，405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaN9x1ZHouG
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCYyYyt5sWR
迎來了人生的轉折。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv3owxSdGBq
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZKhVYiFDFs
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy1xjz6sGiD
父母親早在我國小時就已離異，但他們為了不讓我和弟弟分開，便還是住在一起。我在一個富裕的家庭長大，幾乎是要什麼有什麼，生性霸道且極端任性，父親一生風流，基於愧疚或父愛，總寵著我，比起成天碎碎念的母親，我覺得自己比較愛爸爸。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡounKXXytFn
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLyKrhuY3gZ
在高二那一年，父親生意失利，經營的公司惡性倒閉，再加上「賭」及「面子」，父親找上了地下錢莊。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBPLm2gI2ho
「家道中落」似乎是一瞬間的事。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡujUcoa8WaL
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkSYgqIpStT
當我放學回家，看見債主找人在家門用噴漆寫上的字眼，我還沒能反應過來。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡphOWJukzlD
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡREBhdk0nbX
「都已經離婚了，為什麼還這樣拖累我！」
母親氣得哭了。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3h7wkFdu2Y
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCxXysGWac1
某天晚上，母親進來房間，告訴我，房子要賣掉了。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVq8n7fHZRS
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW5OZub77H8
他們離婚後，所買的房子仍是共有財產，父親要把房子賣掉，才能償還債務。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP1wsIVc1OY
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7eUAmgeyMz
我還沒能了解事態的嚴重，跑到客廳跟低著頭的父親大吼「這是我長大的家，就因為你，所以我的家就要這樣沒了！」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf6iw0YvH1i
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlpvpO17Kib
「那妳要我死是不是！」爸爸第一次吼我。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM4KVbpRnLa
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQqfRHOyWEN
「我沒錢，地下錢莊說要砍我手腳，我讓他砍是不是！」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAxveLl5mx3
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgY0pEovYvm
我嚇到了，沒能反駁。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrlQLbRNcmN
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuVQEN4Hu4l
「房子要賣給媽媽的朋友，那個朋友說可以再租給媽媽。因為是妳爸爸要賣的，所以他要搬出去，妳就跟媽媽和弟弟繼續住在這裡，不用搬家。」
母親在旁緩頰。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoY6rNQ982q
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmSetWbLgw6
我沒說話，看了看坐在沙發上的父親與一旁滿臉擔憂的母親，便逕自走回房間。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwEBmk53Ft6
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjYWdkMr9T1
回到房間，想起國小五年級那天，母親到安親班接我和弟弟，把我拉到一旁說的話。
「媽媽今天和爸爸去辦離婚了，妳爸爸堅持要其中一個小孩的監護權，弟弟又還小…所以妳的監護權是爸爸。媽媽不是不要妳，妳不要擔心。我們也說好不會讓妳跟弟弟分開，所以我們大家還是會住在一起喔！」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZVm5osURSN
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTOkWjA6ZGh
我突然明白自己不能接受房子賣掉的原因是什麼。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWTnVxr6ap6
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeO0CaPTjti
我不能接受的，其實是家的破碎。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡypgjB2NSOL
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUN5DafAocX
因為一直都住在一起，所以沒有分離的感覺。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhJKspsWYv6
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡroYy3miUCy
「妳爸爸是一個無情的人。」
「因為小時候是養子，他弟弟出生後，就被虐待又被冷落，所以就連阿公過世也沒回去奔喪。」
「他和前一個老婆離婚之後，完全沒有再過問他們的生活，也從來沒去看過他以前的小孩。」
母親曾這麼說過。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLVvV0Irl2Q
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKk3Yd5T5VJ
「妳不要管我，反正我的監護權又不是妳！」
「是妳自己不要我的！」
某次和母親吵架，我說了這樣的話，害母親哭了整晚。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWhOIABmKmv
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcSP6K5LfUP
「去和妳媽媽道歉。」
「她沒有不要妳。」
那天晚上父親走到房間嚴厲地說。
而他根本很少命令我做什麼。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhxd2RbN0dS
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOhywWT48M6
「小姐貴姓？」
「我姓豺。」
關上門前那婦人的眼神，帶了驚訝及恨意。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpK4n7Ihj4Y
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ToTFAUpyl
「以前我會怪別人、怪命運，其實我不能怪誰。」
「曾有一段時間我忌妒妳，妳擁有我未曾擁有的一切。」
「現在我誰也不怪了。」
紙上那美麗的字，看起來多麼傷心。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUMQtZ4oVlc
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFNU1ThGt0u
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡynnGjjks6q
我的腦中閃現了許許多多回憶。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡndv9eLQAol
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa4BhDZ0spQ
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGFxltIrUGo
媽媽睡了之後，我走到客廳，父親盯著電視，卻兩眼無神。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvX2XkrIQHL
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBcwoBrYhn6
「爸爸。」我喊他。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0z6PsSTpUz
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR8kNnrlcNo
父親抬頭看我。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeGvFeEnF0h
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcDsT1uW7JL
「你搬出去之後要去哪裡？」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWHnlsY0Spq
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8Lhcxks1Kr
「我不知道。」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe8kgRqxAXL
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY85WM6AosD
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDQ15XKePu8
「我和你一起搬走。」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0va14cFTo2
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj8q4wQxtEz
我說出這句話的時候，爸爸一臉驚訝。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhOKbXrVadh
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN2Avkr9pbW
「真的嗎？」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJIlwNsQfqU
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvId7ZzIlgV
「嗯。」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxCJVfPwmRx
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzLfMHxtdS7
「…好啊。」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡClNJBm5ozg
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmoRHYnpX9P
「那我去睡了，爸爸晚安。」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsrfxcZSg6B
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhQEMXb4Brf
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf7dBHclXQ5
那時，我只想著，父親一旦離開了，我可能再也見不到他。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtYhH2aP9ho
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGsu4UQsqRZ
即使他不是個好兒子、好丈夫或稱職的父親，他仍是我的父親，從來都捨不得打我罵我的父親。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj1Vzcmdhe0
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTEsNKLtmne
隔天，我便自己出門找房子。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDKtHxXhhyZ
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn5LQOzZDwg
母親雖然擔心又不捨，但沒能阻止我的任性與固執，就還是陪著我找房子。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡToFaIPPrjb
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCvCgoucdjd
我們在離家不遠的地方找到新住處，因為我當時尚未成年，還是請父親來和房東簽合約，之後，我自己忙搬家，請了開貨車的親戚與國中同學幫忙，把所有的家具都搬到新住處。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbBkqAkwKfx
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCCifYpc3Qf
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWChwOybkmL
然而父親沒有因此痛改前非，我們搬家後沒多久，又有新的債主找上門。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeQkxNn499F
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYxmyABsGiz
那天，黑兔子（忘記她的人請往前看系列文）趁著假日到家裡玩，我們在房間聊天，父親在客廳看電視。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcYi7d3fIBo
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf08ZYfJhmf
正嘻嘻哈哈的時候，有人按電鈴。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFJVw80a49P
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUTEDnqxZE1
按了好幾聲，父親卻不去應門。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmLybnjQa1Q
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡozGd1yWW4h
我走到客廳，看見父親把手指舉在嘴巴前面，示意我不要出聲。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVaOm3r2CJL
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOsdnp954si
對方按了幾下電鈴，便開始撞門，接著大聲咆哮、怒罵三字經。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtq7E2x6WpZ
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡITCEYl1I46
房間裡的黑兔子嚇到，悄聲問我怎麼回事，我覺得很丟臉，但還是告訴她，門外的是父親的債主，我們得裝做不在家…但是債主大概早就猜到我們假裝不在家吧，才會待在門外不走。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡURnml4bueU
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMbpgor1Z4p
直到傍晚，我才戰戰兢兢的開門，送黑兔子到公車站搭車。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnQ6pnVvDsf
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP4KP5bCgE8
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtmqwqAXhWM
那年發生的事情非常地多，我喜歡上了一個學長，但他卻用各種不同的方式，在我的身上、心上都留下殘酷的疤痕。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLgpvBgJObH
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYb6SsbHp6O
但那是另一個故事了。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpNyRhnXahm
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhZzcHJoqpZ
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwmqKZXs25K
我和父親常常為了錢的事情吵架。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUaDcUrMCib
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBe8sJrBfem
我就讀的學校是私立職校，學費非常地貴。而我放學後在賣場打工所賺的錢，付了生活所需的開銷以後幾乎所剩無幾。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHdTOypf2kN
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6GndUPXyOr
那些茶來伸手、飯來張口，像個公主的日子彷彿離自己已經非常遙遠。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ60P6w330FP
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF1nVqqOsl8
我偶爾會回去媽媽家吃飯，但絕口不提自己為錢煩惱的事。也許是怕母親擔心，又也許是怕母親責怪父親吧。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Wdf9WToER
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWu8MI9oQ6b
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNs9y65vt6G
在那些身心俱疲的日子裡，我很常想起英傑。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn3BoeskvA8
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKkzMhRlCQ
為什麼一直都沒有和我聯絡呢？405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnWKYszqQAF
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjxcsyyM6xs
難道逃出台灣了嗎？405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvyqCPkKT3z
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKtHM2cWUFF
難道…真的死了嗎？405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj2wc8vhVd3
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZSvZoMg7OC
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDasS8RS37a
一天晚上，我帶著傷痕回家，在家門前，我把運動外套拉起，確定不會被看見痕跡之後進門，想著自己為什麼這樣找罪受。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4f5ETI7Huk
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH7Xqx6YgXj
但父親不在家。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1olFHiTYd4
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVO5YfX5Rhz
撥了父親的電話，聽見那邊的麻將聲。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7jySk4A1as
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5oqIoBGWZG
我對父親大吼，卻被掛電話。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJAaoM9INHC
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhmYqoWKL70
那一刻，我想著自己所做的一切。405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw8wVSkddW6
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiSMxV9YM60
「都是自己選的。」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpxC9GEm2og
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWFnOASAJBb
「沒人逼妳，都是妳自己選的。」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu5kZZ9UIub
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZNowtnaD3z
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZeRsZZ1aR
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwIYNPg01Mn
「乾脆，去死好了。」405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh9SyBPTgOD
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeovyt8CzXl
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2evDqaFWiY
405Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcAdN98UHYl
待續。
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