餘燼 - 第四章無聲的崩潰(下)

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj0Iz2vM18y

那天下午，陳醫師的診所打電話來提醒他下次回診的時間。他接電話的時候坐在客廳的地板上，背靠著沙發，膝蓋蜷在胸前。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq1GYFHpjsq

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8xsOuRbFou

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfEsHV3KgKz

「沈先生，下次回診是下週三下午兩點，方便嗎？」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3lu4ySMAtU

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡua6nR4KfAp

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡehDPOylsZG

「……方便。」

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7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡecD2E3mtBT

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2lwTC3vgUc

「好的。另外，沈先生，最近身體還好嗎？藥物有沒有不舒服的反應？」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc3NA0rQTiW

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLkHXz0u3lE

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ogo3BBUvG

他張了張嘴。他想說，我睡了很多。我想說，我昨天用刮鬍刀割了自己，但不深，應該沒關係。我想說，我覺得自己正在消失，慢一點但確實在消失，我不知道該怎麼辦。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk5F0hePaVs

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnT2BedQeGP

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1lJKOGsIam

但他最後說出口的只有：「還好，就是有點嗜睡。其他都還好。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡffxQAU0wa0

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ87mS5i7qUx

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh713AssAzr

「那沒關係，慢慢適應就好了。如果有任何不舒服，隨時聯絡我們。沈先生，要照顧好自己喔。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMaPc1vpo7a

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq3zCETB771

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlKZBocMJCp

「……好。謝謝。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcNOM2m6oqp

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4K7J4YNyPy

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2tcScgYER6

電話掛斷之後，他把手機放在地板上，背靠著沙發，看著窗外的天空。今天的雲層比昨天散了一些，有一塊藍色的天空從雲縫裡露出來，像是某種遙遠的、不可觸及的希望。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGN5vqikc0O

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNLrPf3HUrd

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm7pUcMk0Jz

他覺得自己應該要站起來，走過去，站到那片陽光底下。但他沒有力氣。他的身體像是被釘在了地板上，每一個關節都生了鏽。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkKUhT3GIqM

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTI42eUxny2

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6u1NsU08bM

他低下頭，把袖子往上推。傷口還在那裡，貼著透氣膠帶，邊緣微微泛紅。他伸手按了一下，疼。那個疼讓他覺得自己還活著。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmNuweldDo9

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN5o40cXSkG

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeAhkWHBQ34

他把袖子放下來，又蜷縮成一團。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡowgPeFRA31

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeBd5mTpAAc

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxv7FSdk4Hs

那天晚上林餘還是沒有回來。只傳了一則訊息說「晚上有事，不回了」。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcRKsmUKuIJ

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeEP27srCYF

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ8tOmDAMGR

沈燼看著那則訊息，打了回覆：「嗯。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIpL446cydf

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡugsS7baqEt

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZnG8nIPPh3

然後他把手機放在一邊，走進浴室，關上門。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYfpUnkDwzD

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdFrxCKV1eI

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOxwRJ6GNp0

這次他沒有關燈。燈光很白，照得磁磚反光。他坐在浴缸邊緣，從洗手台的抽屜裡拿出那盒他今天早上剛買的、全新的美工刀。鋁合金的刀身，很輕，很涼。他把刀片推出來一截，鋒利的銀白色刀刃在燈光下閃了一下。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3zM3hBQcNV

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB5FUAVpAkE

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU9eyQjHQJg

他又把左手的袖子往上推。昨天的傷口還在，結了一層薄薄的痂。他把刀片放在傷口旁邊的位置。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkN5DJHL1KA

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡej1LiS8JrH

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡemhvdYAJEd

他不知道自己為什麼要這麼做。他只知道這樣做讓他覺得好一點。讓那些塞滿他胸膛的、無法命名的東西，能從這些小小的縫隙裡流出去一些。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbUu88HbHYq

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSq0dzsIrto

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF00eSfGsTY

刀片滑過皮膚。這一次他用力了一些，傷口比昨天深。血湧出來的速度很快，順著手臂內側往下淌，滴在浴缸邊緣，一滴，兩滴，三滴。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡShtQVJkvhg

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIjQA5BTxk

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjGUWNfsMkS

他看著那些血滴，覺得它們像某種他很久沒有感覺過的東西。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ500dU6NGBG

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBR2msCxENY

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ15rI9GKDGs

熱的。活的。流動的。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKre6eUvBk3

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwdilZaryxF

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡihAvYYd9cs

他吸了一口氣，又劃了第三道。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlLhHAfAGnG

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ5E970V3mn

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTxUToOfETh

這一次他沒有哭。他只是坐在那裡，看著那些傷口，看著血慢慢從裡面滲出來。他的表情很平靜，甚至帶著一點茫然的專注，像是在完成一件需要仔細的事情。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3r1qqLowk3

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5GWURiL7KS

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXpn6OurFtJ

等他處理完傷口，貼上新的透氣膠帶之後，他把美工刀收進抽屜最裡面，用一疊毛巾蓋住。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8yFeaYKx4p

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEJsXX5Qv4L

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuX0pgsG5Fz

然後他關了浴室的燈，走回臥室，躺到床上。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHhRahpupvA

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjQVKxqVUhw

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg08VKgPmrN

這一次他很快就睡著了。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpKwSrC9M7w

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfUcsPF42oQ

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡruwjcHuG9V

隔天早上他醒來的時候，手臂傳來鈍痛。他低頭看，三條傷口整整齊齊地排列著，在膠帶下面隱隱透出暗紅色。他把袖子拉下來，確定遮住了，才起身去洗臉。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡso5Yw9EMSb

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRTYYmw9qX3

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3zxyrip9AH

刷牙的時候手機響了。是林餘的語音通話。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3C5TPZOgvx

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7jFOOpBsal

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVnR5TvhL5V

他接起來：「喂？」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNo26F8pL2B

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡadk5IrHzuX

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ98AOcbBq4S

「沈燼。」林餘的聲音聽起來很急，背景有車聲，「你在家嗎？」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3V3wq2W8Tb

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNESubYn6uA

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAHplstKd1W

「在。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ11Vcy9UklD

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Uv1PQnm3p

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhhABVZWI0e

「我忘了帶一份文件，在書桌左邊的抽屜裡。你幫我找一下，拍照傳給我。我現在在計程車上，快到公司了。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbjZCyL3don

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbjQvOtD5ir

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBbyoku52wz

「……好。什麼樣的？」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFI3UGsgt3w

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhS3VxL0X62

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIdmQD1bS4G

「一個牛皮紙袋，上面寫著『都更案』。你找到了拍照給我就好。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhsIbZ7dizP

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJXFarwFTVO

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvcn4yYm7jp

「好。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNib0ciQzwc

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUDjSlt46IJ

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMVDItx77TP

「那我掛了，你找到快點傳給我——」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPb6587X9Uh

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR5y0j3xd2p

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEP7AeBQTqA

「林餘。」

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7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡedI4a9zMTc

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuMpYfV1v7a

「嗯？」

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7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfhp0NKWai5

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡobqjyQ9U4r

沈燼握著手機，站在浴室門口。晨光從客廳落地窗照進來，鋪在木地板上，暖洋洋的一片。他想說，我的手受傷了。他想說，昨天晚上我割了自己，你知不知道。他想說，你可不可以回來看我一眼。就一眼。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR4uLdA6xXf

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRd7OWHrWJu

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc22ubLO5aC

但他最後說出口的還是：「……沒事。我去幫你找。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIE3RK0AhpZ

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8CpOkOO0WO

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ65SKl4BYAU

「好，謝謝。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCsfuWP894n

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKssojc73WW

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFKEbltiAYd

電話掛斷了。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡapjCYckEU2

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBnR3tXLWTH

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxCMmqxblh0

沈燼走進工作室，打開書桌左邊的抽屜。裡面確實有一個牛皮紙袋，上面用簽字筆寫著「都更案」三個字。他拿起來，拍了照片，傳給林餘。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡylc6kaCwBq

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv1zjHqyAsx

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzQSHfM0G75

然後他把紙袋放回抽屜裡，關上抽屜。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvlIL4OYC1C

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFm84XP6vaK

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPj65mkroGy

他站在書桌前，低頭看著自己的左手手腕。袖子垂下來，遮住下面的傷痕。他慢慢地把袖子往上推，露出那三條被透氣膠帶覆蓋的傷口。膠帶邊緣的皮膚微微發紅，傷口周圍有一點腫。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDdLvhy7TTe

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIEiNO53CaC

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxusCxIrFiv

他把手指放在膠帶上面，輕輕按壓。疼痛從皮膚表面傳進來，鈍而確實。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsEQ9mLRCEl

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1zmNFArqdM

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEww02hdCjJ

他看著那些傷口，想起自己昨天晚上坐在浴缸邊緣的樣子。燈光很白，血流下來，滴在磁磚上。他那時候在想什麼？

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFKEhA1p7jh

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4rUk5wiPwY

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLzaWz6DF7v

什麼都沒有想。他的腦子是空的。只有一個念頭反覆地、機械地轉著——要讓它流出去。要讓那些東西流出去。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjhUy4V6SPs

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLkGyZ1fpFO

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEK0JZER0Mr

他不知道那些東西是什麼。但他知道它們還在他身體裡。每一次他以為已經放掉了一些，隔天它們又會重新灌滿，像是某種不會枯竭的地下水源。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyoEFixEKdp

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpTEbrkM1HJ

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3zPA9mVHTp

他把袖子放下來，走回客廳。陽光已經從落地窗移動到了沙發邊緣，照在他昨天坐過的那塊地板上。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡav1bTjDmjW

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdpOqFRI9lc

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY0XLDgir6Y

他沒有坐過去。他繞過那片陽光，走進了臥室，關上門，把窗簾拉起來。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVGQF6LbJeT

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfDGLAmIkbB

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlBWXpQ92BF

房間暗下來的那個瞬間，他覺得安全了一點。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvf1fk03KKG

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXfkVOHzwaZ

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQOcT1pS9A4

他躺到床上，把被子拉高，蓋住自己的頭。被子裡很悶，但他的呼吸很淺，淺到他幾乎感覺不到自己在呼吸。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwJ28DOOIzN

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJkOrCxeKX

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSRte6naTzM

他閉上眼睛，又睜開。黑暗裡什麼都沒有。沒有林餘，沒有那些等待，沒有那些得不到回應的訊息。

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7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKye4C0OW3a

只有他自己。

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7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ69XnS7DTqb

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIV7Swfqmlt

還有那些他正在嘗試放出去的、但永遠放不完的東西。

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7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTylATAcncL

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYOOz4P80pa

他翻過身，把手腕壓在枕頭底下。傷口的疼痛隔著膠帶和布料傳上來，成為黑暗裡唯一可觸及的、真實的存在。

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7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ80ZxTMcibt

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKdzoScqIgz

他閉上眼睛。

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7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQnroMUEsFJ

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnBWP1dFWYM

窗簾外面的光線緩慢移動，從早晨變成中午，從中午變成下午，從下午變成黃昏。

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7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3bSerew8d7

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他沒有再起來過。

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7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHLZu9Gmv5h
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