餘燼 - 第四章無聲的崩潰(下)

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqIGjYJ8toZ

那天下午，陳醫師的診所打電話來提醒他下次回診的時間。他接電話的時候坐在客廳的地板上，背靠著沙發，膝蓋蜷在胸前。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJZIXHGaSzl

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnk1yClAhry

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWkOu3VIMXy

「沈先生，下次回診是下週三下午兩點，方便嗎？」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvcGEqHzZMm

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhhFznHQK8

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡraAsF1FD5s

「……方便。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqihz4YXsnx

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWfqAWp2i9N

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS97RKKuxwy

「好的。另外，沈先生，最近身體還好嗎？藥物有沒有不舒服的反應？」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8TmaU1yyDS

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcDcLfp4BVM

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLuerYmESaR

他張了張嘴。他想說，我睡了很多。我想說，我昨天用刮鬍刀割了自己，但不深，應該沒關係。我想說，我覺得自己正在消失，慢一點但確實在消失，我不知道該怎麼辦。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMcyGkrkNP7

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvaM5DsKeoI

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxX1q7o9lPL

但他最後說出口的只有：「還好，就是有點嗜睡。其他都還好。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFRpxWuW0ov

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoRh3jwIgzd

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgt7fcg4Y5J

「那沒關係，慢慢適應就好了。如果有任何不舒服，隨時聯絡我們。沈先生，要照顧好自己喔。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTKpwKuTWEP

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUw7VPpq44l

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡraiV3JOoA4

「……好。謝謝。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvLnW9fRE1J

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡguxCbwbOAs

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1YsgAsDV5P

電話掛斷之後，他把手機放在地板上，背靠著沙發，看著窗外的天空。今天的雲層比昨天散了一些，有一塊藍色的天空從雲縫裡露出來，像是某種遙遠的、不可觸及的希望。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHYDIlM5UWN

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJPl7gIQKA3

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvSylYQFHqK

他覺得自己應該要站起來，走過去，站到那片陽光底下。但他沒有力氣。他的身體像是被釘在了地板上，每一個關節都生了鏽。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUEhq62X3rf

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhxUdjyvFVc

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFG9whcC9ev

他低下頭，把袖子往上推。傷口還在那裡，貼著透氣膠帶，邊緣微微泛紅。他伸手按了一下，疼。那個疼讓他覺得自己還活著。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MTlHI1zst

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRrJjaFYwiY

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLmyyBaVFyA

他把袖子放下來，又蜷縮成一團。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcPGGFeEfTt

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmzO2UYqcox

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrdpVfFB8nC

那天晚上林餘還是沒有回來。只傳了一則訊息說「晚上有事，不回了」。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNibdfVlgAW

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqQaE5mf3pN

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5KYxis4FBg

沈燼看著那則訊息，打了回覆：「嗯。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7jNL7sLDB3

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxY1YSxRiR4

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1orNS31rO8

然後他把手機放在一邊，走進浴室，關上門。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ7hJnAaPss

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAj5iVbn201

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2tY2Ps8t41

這次他沒有關燈。燈光很白，照得磁磚反光。他坐在浴缸邊緣，從洗手台的抽屜裡拿出那盒他今天早上剛買的、全新的美工刀。鋁合金的刀身，很輕，很涼。他把刀片推出來一截，鋒利的銀白色刀刃在燈光下閃了一下。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzLkAFNMnRk

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4yb151pl6Z

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡef3h3AnkBV

他又把左手的袖子往上推。昨天的傷口還在，結了一層薄薄的痂。他把刀片放在傷口旁邊的位置。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSDkow3mnLO

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgYZzLNjKXo

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK5SBNcRVCz

他不知道自己為什麼要這麼做。他只知道這樣做讓他覺得好一點。讓那些塞滿他胸膛的、無法命名的東西，能從這些小小的縫隙裡流出去一些。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡodZTq1wxnu

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Sma2vLObY

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXIabLj5Hto

刀片滑過皮膚。這一次他用力了一些，傷口比昨天深。血湧出來的速度很快，順著手臂內側往下淌，滴在浴缸邊緣，一滴，兩滴，三滴。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8BS039ybj7

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFiDW7vKmdQ

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡka4fkm9s3j

他看著那些血滴，覺得它們像某種他很久沒有感覺過的東西。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx8EnavMPKS

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC7v6kJwk77

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7NF3E6CtGa

熱的。活的。流動的。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVaaOJgYZza

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsrWfzO8wfZ

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVJ6NnkT9X7

他吸了一口氣，又劃了第三道。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGjGH5bg2zQ

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXn5skOmmoF

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8IJeYRtCue

這一次他沒有哭。他只是坐在那裡，看著那些傷口，看著血慢慢從裡面滲出來。他的表情很平靜，甚至帶著一點茫然的專注，像是在完成一件需要仔細的事情。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5PR1ySHaNL

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzgptkthr08

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDOn7ynsrym

等他處理完傷口，貼上新的透氣膠帶之後，他把美工刀收進抽屜最裡面，用一疊毛巾蓋住。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFx4tii9lhC

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbErvSrHcul

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT9lLDEAYSn

然後他關了浴室的燈，走回臥室，躺到床上。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZSD6fU1ywi

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxCWWeOcWsx

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡABAX2NqmEx

這一次他很快就睡著了。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPh6yvjE01t

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3RAyCtPifT

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnSnVxph1rj

隔天早上他醒來的時候，手臂傳來鈍痛。他低頭看，三條傷口整整齊齊地排列著，在膠帶下面隱隱透出暗紅色。他把袖子拉下來，確定遮住了，才起身去洗臉。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSod3S6ZHX5

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcCg6ccetZ2

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmAzUEcIoZk

刷牙的時候手機響了。是林餘的語音通話。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhdXtHC8iL

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLZshPCG6e2

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYs7qfw2Ps8

他接起來：「喂？」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0WFo9iwoui

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBuAEsGmveP

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoRFxyntTO4

「沈燼。」林餘的聲音聽起來很急，背景有車聲，「你在家嗎？」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkGCUzmKI7i

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxmtZrRd7Fy

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFzdDd3Fas2

「在。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQMr123yWKQ

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqMZeYI8TuW

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxC7iD4NqoY

「我忘了帶一份文件，在書桌左邊的抽屜裡。你幫我找一下，拍照傳給我。我現在在計程車上，快到公司了。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNxndS0CIXp

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbn9oXFn4FW

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEEAfjSXmRr

「……好。什麼樣的？」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHqkPXmgHqG

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqmZ7JPSk9P

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGMIqM4tLtA

「一個牛皮紙袋，上面寫著『都更案』。你找到了拍照給我就好。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbMqBJukUoW

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhUqADAELaF

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd769xaDg9p

「好。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaW40k8NgTu

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfbVCvbUk0P

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnmYkcToVLF

「那我掛了，你找到快點傳給我——」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRdiq2G4Lct

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8XudAfRlX9

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe4FlfcaSSd

「林餘。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfInPdcsQ8k

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpEQa8XU013

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6GL5BBLmvu

「嗯？」

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7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXI0JwkedbP

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuNxXluKYeD

沈燼握著手機，站在浴室門口。晨光從客廳落地窗照進來，鋪在木地板上，暖洋洋的一片。他想說，我的手受傷了。他想說，昨天晚上我割了自己，你知不知道。他想說，你可不可以回來看我一眼。就一眼。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjRcQcwolZs

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ31vKDJHhiQ

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyrWkdBVmqt

但他最後說出口的還是：「……沒事。我去幫你找。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW32Oo2kJQ1

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaVGDUsMUUl

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzxOvtesgLl

「好，謝謝。」

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSG9WqsNpVZ

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4SPx6i6Xqr

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJmqJXWh9qO

電話掛斷了。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdWHePnxhNs

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyxyF0dC0u2

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC8JWasdcnx

沈燼走進工作室，打開書桌左邊的抽屜。裡面確實有一個牛皮紙袋，上面用簽字筆寫著「都更案」三個字。他拿起來，拍了照片，傳給林餘。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOjkBgYXlPG

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSQP0afaoDE

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ52oFokvagi

然後他把紙袋放回抽屜裡，關上抽屜。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqdeEYqKob9

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpg6zJxdNJ9

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhKNDE6m3EY

他站在書桌前，低頭看著自己的左手手腕。袖子垂下來，遮住下面的傷痕。他慢慢地把袖子往上推，露出那三條被透氣膠帶覆蓋的傷口。膠帶邊緣的皮膚微微發紅，傷口周圍有一點腫。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9NoKoTmTra

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ95NGGkT2v3

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYhbmWTGKfS

他把手指放在膠帶上面，輕輕按壓。疼痛從皮膚表面傳進來，鈍而確實。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgZ4IBe7SQf

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHoKbJH9R2i

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsjA4N3bP2P

他看著那些傷口，想起自己昨天晚上坐在浴缸邊緣的樣子。燈光很白，血流下來，滴在磁磚上。他那時候在想什麼？

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOg594ogHHS

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoIPVc9sKx0

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3R2oNXE4RX

什麼都沒有想。他的腦子是空的。只有一個念頭反覆地、機械地轉著——要讓它流出去。要讓那些東西流出去。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRC1MkZYoHS

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRS8fvZBDo5

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBshHTicN7E

他不知道那些東西是什麼。但他知道它們還在他身體裡。每一次他以為已經放掉了一些，隔天它們又會重新灌滿，像是某種不會枯竭的地下水源。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2HpvT93wob

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnCAFhezgrT

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZQMMxAehlQ

他把袖子放下來，走回客廳。陽光已經從落地窗移動到了沙發邊緣，照在他昨天坐過的那塊地板上。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlMabKcu0tc

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUMsepPCPY0

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdMb7jFkZfx

他沒有坐過去。他繞過那片陽光，走進了臥室，關上門，把窗簾拉起來。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRCmJrmb108

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdJDPSbgnua

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmaNbaQLzEi

房間暗下來的那個瞬間，他覺得安全了一點。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV750Tk4i5p

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv5UP3wl5wo

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcvKs9lIlTo

他躺到床上，把被子拉高，蓋住自己的頭。被子裡很悶，但他的呼吸很淺，淺到他幾乎感覺不到自己在呼吸。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8wa1TsnGk8

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCiCUiyyBs5

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOpzQuwVrdx

他閉上眼睛，又睜開。黑暗裡什麼都沒有。沒有林餘，沒有那些等待，沒有那些得不到回應的訊息。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiWHvBjaAVR

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWXmZ0jGjQr

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfs8ASDtrSY

只有他自己。

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7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtevRFUNpoL

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCZJNbBRUAg

還有那些他正在嘗試放出去的、但永遠放不完的東西。

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNbLIV5IBhv

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFfugjwJjW9

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWJ9AlFupX5

他翻過身，把手腕壓在枕頭底下。傷口的疼痛隔著膠帶和布料傳上來，成為黑暗裡唯一可觸及的、真實的存在。

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7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnNWiUmEvFO

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH4NV52xbSf

他閉上眼睛。

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7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXQQ2D1BBL5

7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9G60EhdHFp

窗簾外面的光線緩慢移動，從早晨變成中午，從中午變成下午，從下午變成黃昏。

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7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ZTJ2pHZjN

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他沒有再起來過。

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7Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM3ObqACtRl
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