The hands that were once admired by someone now lay abandoned, like an empty, desolate house. The hands that had always rested in another’s grasp today, if anyone were to hold them, it would bring only shame. She stared at her hands and broke down, sobbing uncontrollably. She could not believe that what she was seeing was real.
When she lifted one hand to touch it with the other, a burning pain shot through her, as if someone had peeled her skin away from her body. In that moment, she understood what she was seeing was the truth. Not only her hands, but her entire body had been burned.
This cannot happen to me. Why did this happen to me? What had I ever done to anyone wrong? He was never truly mine, and now, seeing my body in this condition fills me with disgust. I hate myself. Why did I survive?
She began screaming like a madwoman. The hospital, which had been silent until now, was silent no longer. Hearing her cries, the doctors ran toward her room.
When the doctors reached her room, they saw that she was no longer in her senses. She was staring at herself like a madwoman, looking at her own body with such intense hatred that no one present had ever seen a human being in that state, hating themselves so completely and so mercilessly.
She wanted to tear herself apart, to hurt herself even more. I will kill myself. What if I survived? I will kill myself; she kept telling herself. She laughed like a madwoman at her own misfortune, and there was unbearable pain, in in that laughter, pain so raw and visible that everyone present could see it clearly.
When the doctors reached her room, they saw that she was no longer in control of her senses. She was staring at herself like a madwoman, looking at herself with such intense hatred that no one present there had ever seen a human being despise themselves in that manner before.
She wanted to claw herself; she wanted to hurt herself. “I will kill myself. Even if I survived, what difference does it make? I will kill myself,” she kept telling herself, laughing like a mad person at her own misfortune. There was unbearable pain hidden in her laughter, a pain so visible that every person standing there could clearly see it.
Seeing her in this condition, the doctors became alarmed. A lady doctor, standing a little distance away from her, said, “It’s normal. You will be completely fine, trust me. We now have very advanced technology.”
“Be quiet!” She screamed at the lady doctor. “Don’t lie to me. I hate false consolations. I will never be fine, because my fate has left me at the mercy of this world. And even if I survive, what do you think? I may remain young in age, but the age of my heart is like that of a hundred-year-old man.”
“You don’t know, doctor, what I have lost. If you had lost what I have lost, you would have killed yourself too just like I am killing myself today,” she said.
As she spoke, the small knife that had been lying on the fruit tray was now in her hand.
The lady doctor present there, a male doctor, and a nurse all became extremely worried. The nurse was standing a little ahead of her.
“No one should try to save me. Anyone who comes between me and my death today, I will not spare them,” she said, and tried to drive the knife into her stomach.
But at that very moment, the lady doctor grabbed her hand. As soon as the nurse caught hold of one of her hands, she began struggling with her other hand to free herself. At the same time, another lady doctor who was present there grabbed her other hand as well.
“Leave me! Why are you saving me? Don’t save me, let me go!” She screamed at the top of her lungs, using all her strength to free both her hands.
Finally, the lady doctor succeeded in taking the knife from her hand and threw it on the floor. The male nurse immediately came forward and injected her with a sedative. She began to grow weak.
“Let me die… let me die…” she kept repeating until she lost consciousness.
Seeing her condition, the doctors felt deep sorrow for her, but what could they do?
The night had grown extremely deep,so silent that even the sound of a falling pin could be heard clearly. In that silence, she did not feel fear. Instead, the silence was tearing her soul apart.
Because of this silence, the voice of her thoughts had grown so loud that she asked herself, how long will I stay alive?
Until those who want to save you are finished, she answered herself.
“But I have no one,” she continued, talking to herself.
“I know,” the voice replied. “Don’t worry. I will give you peace very soon. Then you will be happy forever.”
I loved him so much, she thought. But maybe he never loved me.
“Do you still love him?” She asked herself again.
“Even if I try to hate him, I cannot,” came the answer. “He and I were one. Our relationship wasn’t very old, but his separation has hollowed me out completely. Like iron when he was there, I was strong. Now I am nothing.”
Suddenly, she was startled by a sound, and she had every reason to be afraid.
“Who is it?” She asked in fear.
“I can’t even get up… what’s wrong with me?” She said angrily, filled with hatred for herself.
The door, which someone had earlier been trying to open slightly, suddenly opened completely.
She screamed loudly.
“Look, whoever you are, don’t play such disgusting games with me! Someone is trying to come into my room! Help!” She screamed in pain and terror.
She tried to move her body, but even the slightest movement caused her fresh wounds to jolt her so violently that she dared not move again.
Her eyes were fixed on the door. She lay on the bed like a living corpse, while the door stood open in front of her. She desperately wanted to know who was behind it.
She was terrified, but she knew that at this moment, she did not love her life at all. And this was not the fear of losing her life; it was the instinctive human fear that exists even when one does not want to be afraid.
Her eyes remained locked on the door. There was fear in them, not of death, but the kind of fear that is part of human nature.
“What a disgusting joke this is. What cheap people you are, harassing someone like this,” she muttered angrily, assuming it was the staff.
Just then, she heard footsteps approaching her.
As soon as she saw someone coming toward her, her heartbeat accelerated. She began to grow cold with fear, sweat breaking out on her forehead.
Who could it be outside? And why would someone come to my room so late at night? Could it be someone from my family? Or is it…
She stopped mid-thought.
Her throat went dry; her eyes widened in horror. What she saw someone outside her room was enough to stop her breathing.
“Whose shadow is this outside my room?” She asked, trembling.
“Who is it? Why aren’t you answering?” She screamed louder this time.
Suddenly, the shadow began to move away.
“Stop! Who is it? Stop! Someone catches him!” She screamed, calling the staff.
The shadow moved farther… and farther… and then disappeared.
She was still terrified.
“What happened?” A nurse ran into her room. “Why were you screaming? Is everything okay?” The nurse asked gently.
“Nothing is okay. There was a shadow outside my room,” she said anxiously, explaining what had happened.
“Who opened your room door? You can’t even get up,” the nurse asked, looking at her questioningly.
“That’s exactly what I’m saying. My door opened on its own, and someone was outside my room just a moment ago,” she explained.
“But ma’am, why would anyone do that?” The nurse said.
“Oh, so you think I’m lying? You think I’m crazy?” She screamed angrily at the nurse.
The nurse came closer and gently rubbed her back. “Calm down. I know you’re telling the truth. Whoever it was, they won’t come again. It won’t happen again.”
“I don’t like pointless sympathy. Get out of here. And if this happens again, you won’t like what I do,” she said rudely, jerking the nurse’s hand away.
“Okay, as you say,” the nurse replied calmly.
How do I explain to you that what you are seeing exists only because of your disturbed state of mind? She muttered under her breath. I hope you recover soon.
Saying this, she walked toward the door, closed it firmly, and left.
Meanwhile, she kept staring at her. Her eyes fixed on her back until she disappeared completely from the room.
After that incident, she spent the entire night staring at the door.
All night long, she felt as if someone was watching her from behind it.
Fear clung to her relentlessly, and the pain mixed with that fear robbed her of sleep completely.
That night did not pass in rest; it passed in terror.
It was a sorrowful morning for her.
Her wounds had begun to heal, but the wounds inflicted on her heart were not the kind that ever healed, nor did they possess the strength to bring her back to life again.
“You’re getting better,” a nurse said softly while feeding her soup.
“Why do you people believe that everyone gets better?” She replied.
“I will never be okay. Just because my wounds are healing doesn’t mean I will become the same girl I once was. I hate myself… I hate my body.”
She looked straight into the nurse’s eyes as she said this. There was so much pain in her words that even the nurse could feel it.
Imagine a person who hates her own body
and yet, humans are nothing but worshipers of the body.
The nurse listened to her deep words and began to look at her intently. Then she said,
“How can you say that a human being is a worshiper of the body? Not everyone is the same. You are still living in a dream. I was also living in a dream, but when my eyes opened, I saw such a painful scene that I may never be able to forget it.”
She said to the nurse,
“I am sorry for whatever happened to you.”
Before she could finish her sentence, she interrupted her,
“Don’t give me false consolations. Everyone is the same, especially men. I hate men intensely,”
She said in a hatred-filled tone.
“If you hate everyone, you won’t be able to live. To live, it is necessary to give something,”
The nurse replied.
She ignored the nurse’s words and turned her face to the other side, as if she did not want to hear her at all. The nurse understood her feelings and said,
“If you need anything else, let me know.”
She did not respond again. The nurse left, but she remained sitting in the same position. She had settled herself into the world of her thoughts.
Two months have passed since her suffering. Today was the day when the doctor told her that she had completely recovered. Her wounds had healed, and today the white cloth that had covered her body for two months would be removed.
Instead of making her happy, this thought filled her with sadness. She already hated her body, and now even that clean white cloth was about to be taken away from her body.
The doctors’ team had entered her room. She lay silently on her bed, her eyes lowered, as if she were ashamed of her own existence. A male doctor stepped forward and very carefully gave her an injection so that she could breathe in peace for a few moments and be freed from this torment.
Slowly, she began to lose consciousness, and she did not realize when unconsciousness carried her into a deep sleep.
“How ugly I am… what has happened to me… how painfully my fate has punished me for my sins,”
she cried uncontrollably while saying these words.
She could not believe that this was really hers.
To convince herself, she placed one hand on one side of her face and the other hand on the other side, slowly moving her hands over her skin. Instead of her previous soft and smooth skin, she felt a rough texture.
“What has happened to my face? He used to touch my face so lovingly… he loved me so much… now everyone will hate me, they will run away from me,”
she said while touching her face.
“What is the point of looking at this face that is covered only with scars?”
She stared at herself in the mirror with hatred-filled eyes. She was so angry that she picked up a heavy metal showpiece from the washroom and struck the mirror with force. The mirror shattered into pieces and scattered all around the washroom.
“There will be no mirror left, and I won’t have to see my cursed face anymore,”
She said to herself and walked out.
As she came outside, her eyes fell on a nurse who had come to check on her.
“The mirror inside is broken, so get it cleaned. This room is for admitting people like us,”
She asked the nurse.
She stood very seriously in front of the nurse, as if she would not let her go unless she answered according to her expectations. The nurse, who was standing there, became alert after seeing her behavior, because she knew that she was still mentally unstable.
“Yes,”
The nurse replied gently.
“Stop keeping mirrors here. You people openly scratch people’s wounds, okay.”
The nurse nodded in agreement.
“I want discharge. Call the doctor. I want to be discharged today,”
She said firmly.
“I will ask the doctor and let you know,”
The nurse replied.
“Come quickly, I don’t like waiting,”
She said, staring at her.
The nurse nodded and left the room.
She began packing her belongings. In reality, she hardly had anything to pack. She searched, wondering what she had besides the burden of her own existence.
“When I was brought to this hospital, I had nothing. I don’t even have clothes. Curse me. I never want to see my family’s faces again,”
she said to herself, even though her heart was crying tears of blood.
Just then, the nurse entered her room. She was holding ten extremely beautiful and expensive bags. Similarly, three more nurses entered each carrying the same number of bags.
She was utterly shocked to see all of this.
“Who is all this stuff for? What is all this?”
she asked in disbelief.
One of the four nurses replied,
“All of this is for you.”
Hearing this, she looked at the bags and then looked at the nurses with her wide, stunned eyes.
“Who brought this for me? Did my family come?”
She asked, expressing her longing.
There was so much certainty in this one sentence, as if she knew that no one except her family could do all this for her.
But the answer she heard
was very strange for her.10Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcXF5p0fvjD
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