"Down with all counterrevolutionaries! Down with capitalism! Down with feudal superstition! Down with everything! Long live the revolutionary spirit!" A group of Red Guards carried guns and shouted slogans loudly, continuously banging on the iron gate of an orphanage.
"Mother Superior, what should we do..." One novice was so frightened by the scene that their legs went weak. The other nuns, along with the children, huddled in a corner, pale-faced and drenched in cold sweat.
"You all stay here and pray, and take care of the children. If I can't hold them off, immediately escape through the underground tunnel!" After saying that, the Mother Superior turned to leave.
"Mother Superior!" The novice wanted to stop her, but the little girl in her arms started crying.
The Mother Superior glanced at the little girl, smiled gently, and said, "Be good, Atu, don't cry. Everything will be fine soon." After speaking, she walked towards the entrance without looking back, closing the doors of the sanctuary behind her. Atu seemed to forget how to cry and just stared at the Mother Superior's receding figure. The other nuns and children gathered their courage and cautiously moved to the window, attentively observing the outside.
"Whoever wants to harm the nuns and the children will have to step over my dead body!" She opened her arms and stood in front of the orphanage's gate.
"Down with the imperialist lackeys!" "Down with the Chiang Kai-shek's spies disguised as religious figures!"
In an instant, dozens of rotten eggs hit her face and body, soiling her sacred black habit. She closed her eyes and let the shattered eggshells and yolk flow down her face as the barrage of insults and spittle rained upon her.
"Bang!" Suddenly, gunshots rang out not far away, frightening the children in the convent. They covered their ears and cried in panic. Witnessing the scene, the nuns sobbed, tears streaming down their faces, as they hurriedly led the children to the underground tunnel. The Mother Superior at that moment knelt down in response, clutching her abdomen tightly. Blood, it was blood, flowing out from her abdomen, staining her habit and flowing through her hands. Oh Lord, forgive me for my sins in this lifetime!—she shed tears, calling out in her heart—finally, I am coming to meet You, please protect those innocent children! Eventually, her strength gave way, and she collapsed on the ground.
The Mother Superior who was blocking the road has fallen down, and a cheer erupted from the crowd. They shouted slogans and forcefully pushed open the iron gate. Suddenly, a whistle sounded, and a middle-aged man in military uniform shouted through a megaphone, "Stop, everyone stop! We were ordered not to kill. Quickly clean up the scene and evacuate! I repeat, evacuate immediately!" Upon hearing this command, the previously boisterous Red Guards hurriedly ran back as if fearing they wouldn't make it, while the person who fired the gun had long disappeared without a trace.
The man in military uniform indifferently crouched down and turned over the body of the Mother Superior lying on the ground. He placed his fingers in front of her nostrils and felt her faint breath, realizing there was no hope. When he clearly saw the face of the Mother Superior, he suddenly froze.
"Kun? How could it be you...?" The man in military uniform called out that familiar yet unfamiliar name, shaking the woman's shoulder vigorously. "Kun, wake up, it's me!"
The woman, named Kun, reluctantly opened her eyes a little, but everything remained blurry, and she couldn't see the man's face clearly. She smiled weakly, tremblingly took out a notebook, and handed it to him. She spoke intermittently, "Thank... thank you... May God forgive you all..." After speaking, she turned her head, and her eyes closed forever.
The man in military uniform took the blood-soaked notebook and knelt in front of the corpse, solemnly bowing his head and removing his hat. Suddenly, he covered his face and burst into tears.
He remembered the first time he saw her, it was a chance encounter outside the library. She caught his attention immediately. She was sitting at the counter, seemingly writing something, wearing a plain sky-blue qipao with short shoulder-length hair. Her appearance was not stunning, but it was pleasant to look at, exuding a hint of youthful liveliness and purity. And her indifferent expression seemed to disdain everything in the world. In that instant, he recalled a line of poetry he had read, "Since your departure, the bright mirror remains dim."
He greeted her in French, as he would with any other girl he approached. However, usually other girls would show some favoritism, but unexpectedly, she didn't respond well and left him speechless for a moment. But this made him feel that she was different from others. Her name was "Kun," just graduated from high school and preparing to enter university. That summer, she didn't waste her youth in cafes and dance halls like other girls, but instead found temporary work in the library to save up for university tuition.
Later, he started coming to the library every day to borrow and return books, and he would chat with her. At first, she was reluctant, but over time, her guard gradually lowered, and the two became acquainted, seemingly never running out of things to say. Sometimes they would start in the afternoon, and before they knew it, they would be laughing and talking until the sun set. However, she always refused to talk about her family. Later, he inquired elsewhere and learned that a professor at the school was her uncle, and since her father disappeared after accumulating massive gambling debts, her mother became a social butterfly, lingering in the pleasure quarters day and night. It was her uncle and aunt who raised her. Knowing about her difficult family situation, he cherished her even more.
Afterwards, they started having dinner together every day, and he would secretly slip love poems written on pieces of paper between the books he returned. He expressed his admiration for her. Eventually, their hearts slowly intertwined, and they became lovers. During a trip to West Lake, he gave her a family heirloom jade bracelet, expressing his determination to marry no one but her. They went from being lovers to becoming engaged.
Shortly after, an urgent message came from home, saying that his father's condition had suddenly worsened. He rushed back to Hong Kong overnight but still didn't see his father one last time. He comforted his mother, mourned for over a month, and mentioned Kun to his mother. However, his mother flatly rejected the idea due to Kun's low social status, ordering him to return the family heirloom jade bracelet and marry a never-before-met young lady instead. After arguing with his mother without any results, he slammed the door and left, carrying the letter Kun had sent him and aimlessly wandering the bustling streets, contemplating the insignificance of life and realizing that even if he could be with the person he loved, the ultimate outcome would still be a handful of yellow soil. Thinking this way, he couldn't help but feel melancholy and full of pain.
As he passed by a church, he suddenly had the urge to go inside and have a look. He entered and sat down on the back row of pews. The church was empty, with only the candlelight on the altar flickering. He thought of Kun. In fact, in order not to worry Kun and not to remind her of her own family situation due to his father's death, he had kept the true purpose of this trip to Hong Kong a secret. In his letters, he only wrote about various trivial matters, such as the scenery and peculiarities of Hong Kong. Letting out a long sigh, he took out a sheet of paper and a pen, placing them on his lap, and began to write. Feeling restless, he didn't write much and hastily put away the pen. Then he looked around, and a book on the front pew caught his attention. He picked it up and saw that it was Saint Augustine's "Confessions." He casually flipped through it, but his interest grew stronger, and the more he read, the more it seemed that every word spoke to his heart. The author seemed to be his future self, crossing time and space to guide him through his current confusion. Everything he possessed and didn't possess suddenly became pale and meaningless. He quickly finished reading the book, went to a Catholic school's library, and found a copy of the "Summa Theologica." He immersed himself in studying it every day at the library, deeply captivated by its intricate and abstract discussions, akin to the elegance of mathematics. Almost as if guided by an unseen force, he returned to the church, found a priest, and expressed his intentions to convert and receive baptism. After some time, he felt that he had seen through everything and made the decision to leave his mother, all his relatives and friends, including the woman who was his fiancée. He resolutely entered a monastery.
He thought he would never see her again. For many nights, he sat in his room at the monastery, gazing at the cold moonlight, clutching a rope and lashing himself, telling himself not to think of her. Unexpectedly, on the day he formally took the vow to receive the tonsure, he witnessed the anticipated breakdown of his mother and the unexpected arrival of her—she had come. He never expected her to come to Hong Kong to find him, and now he felt her gaze firmly fixed on him. His heart raced, and he broke out in a cold sweat, clenched his fists, averted his gaze, and told himself not to look at her, convincing himself that they were no longer connected.
For several weeks in a row, he saw her attending Mass with a fellow church member, and her gaze always lingered on him. After Mass, she would catch up with the procession of monks and request an opportunity to speak with him from the priest. He was frightened, his heart pounding, and he dared not and did not want to face her. Fortunately, the priest saw through his thoughts and refused her requests.
Finally, he realized that this couldn't go on, so he agreed to meet her, attempting to explain the situation to her. Afterward, that matter came to a close, and he never saw her again. Gradually, he almost forgot about her existence.
After becoming a priest, he was sent to a village on the mainland to preach. Day and night, he tirelessly worked for the glory of God, visiting and assisting the people in the village. The number of believers in the village gradually increased, and everyone lived a simple and devout life. Since the village had poor conditions and no money to build a church, they set up an altar in the house of a church member, where Mass was conducted. Due to the lack of benches and limited space, the people in the village stood or knelt during the Mass. When it was time for confession, a chair was placed outside the house for the priest to sit on, and a large wooden board was placed nearby where the church members knelt to confess their sins. It took one to two hours to listen to the confessions of all the church members waiting in line.
Then, one day, a group of soldiers arrived in the village, shooting and killing the village chief, several landlords, and wealthy farmers. They forced the church members in the village to renounce their faith, threatening them with death otherwise. A peaceful village and one family after another were suddenly destroyed, and he, with the help of a few kind villagers risking their lives, managed to escape. However, he was confused and filled with regret. He remembered Kun and how he had once betrayed her. What was it all for? If he had been with her, married and had children, would they have a happy family now, and would the villagers not die because of their faith? He lost his faith in God, even began to resent the Catholic Church. He contemplated seeking revenge against God, and thus, he became an enemy of God. He became one of those soldiers.
But at this moment, as he saw her lifeless body lying in front of him, he suddenly realized how wrong he had been, to an unimaginable extent.
Kun, do you still remember me? It's me, Shu Yi—he wanted to tell her, but he had no courage nor chance anymore. He buried her body, carrying her diary with him as he left. From then on, there was no more "Shu Yi" in the army, and no one knew where he went or why he left.
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