Will he make a covenant with thee, and wilt thou take him to be a servant for ever?
- Book of Job 40:23
As I entered the seminary, my heart was pounding rapidly. I clenched my fists tightly, and my nails were almost digging into my flesh. Persephone was waiting outside the seminary, and the priest led us to a visiting room. He arranged for me and Miss Bai to sit in front of a wooden screen with many small holes, making it difficult to see through. The monk sat on the other side of the screen. It made me feel like I was visiting a prisoner in jail, even more confined than that.
Footsteps approached from the other side of the screen, getting closer and closer. One of them was him, but who was the other person? Could it be a monk assigned to supervise our conversation?
After the footsteps stopped, I tentatively called out, "Shu Yi?"
"Please refer to him as Brother Augustine," the supervising monk interjected coldly.
The conversation lasted for about half an hour. I didn't become hysterical or cry uncontrollably. I didn't resemble a jilted fiancée interrogating a faithless lover, nor did we behave like long-lost lovers or old friends. I calmly asked just one question throughout—"Pourquoi?" (Why?). In fact, I had imagined myself losing control and angrily confronting him, even had some chaotic dreams about it. But apart from my unusually firm and rational self, I realized that I had become indifferent. The once passionate love in my heart had slowly dissipated over time, leaving only occasional twinges of pain. I just wanted an answer to see if it aligned with my speculations. It felt like handing in an exam paper and waiting for the teacher to correct and grade it. And now, I was about to find out, so I listened silently from start to finish, contemplating.
"Don't you feel sorry for what you did to me?" Finally, as the conversation was nearing its end, I asked.
"Yes, I have let you down."
"Then why didn't you at least apologize to me? Is it because it's so sacred that you don't feel any guilt?"
"My guilt has never left me, but I also know that an apology is just a consolation. I have hurt you. Does an apology hold any meaning for you?"
"Whether it does or not, shouldn't that be for me to judge?" I raised my voice, then sighed and lowered my tone. "Thank you for finally being honest with me."
"Then, can you forgive me?"
After a long pause, I finally uttered, "Yes."
As we left the seminary, I felt a sense of relief, yet I was immersed in a state of contemplation. Miss Bai remained silent, looking at me with some concern. Persephone ran over, wanting to ask something but was stopped by Miss Bai.
His final attitude towards the apology was truly infuriating, but I knew him too well. I understood that it was just his character, so I didn't pursue it further. Instead, I pondered the answer to that question. "Greater Glory" — that was his response. Greater Glory? Yes, that's what he said. "Greater Glory." I took a few steps forward, looked up at the magnificent sky where birds returned to their nests, and the clouds tinged with shades of orange and purple interwoven in the sky. I murmured the words. The glory of the Lord! My speculations were confirmed, and his answer seemed to elevate to another level.
"I want to convert to Catholicism." A gentle breeze brushed through my hair, and I turned around with a smile, saying to Miss Bai.
This was the only way I could truly understand him. And it wasn't just that—I wouldn't embrace a religion I couldn't accept solely for the sake of understanding his thoughts. I discovered that within this religion, there seemed to be some very enchanting and beautiful things, like those beautiful clouds in the sky that evoked a natural admiration for beauty, which felt entirely genuine—like it was summoning me, yet out of reach—the greatness of the Lord! An inexplicable sense of awe spread within my heart.
"Really?" Miss Bai widened her eyes and smiled happily, her eyes shimmering with joy. She hurried over and hugged me, tears of joy streaming down her face. "Thank God!" Persephone, on the other hand, stood there with wide eyes and an open mouth, looking at me incredulously.
Truth or vanity... I felt that I had found the answer to that question.
With Persephone accompanying me, we spent a few days studying the doctrines with Miss Bai. Persephone's mother was Chinese and followed Buddhism and some folk religions, so she had been exposed to some Eastern religions. Her father, an Englishman, nominally adhered to Calvinism but was not particularly enthusiastic about religious beliefs. Attending church service was more like a routine for him, and he didn't even have Persephone baptized from birth, hoping she would choose her own faith. However, he did share some teachings with her, especially those conflicting with Catholicism and Eastern polytheistic religions. Whenever Miss Bai discussed these topics, Persephone would engage in spirited debates, but she always ended up surrendering under Miss Bai's patient explanations. This made Persephone deeply amazed by the logical rigor of Catholic teachings compared to the abundance of gods and Buddhas in Eastern religions and Calvin's theology, which denied the glorious status of Mary, the mother of Jesus.
"If God is truly so merciful and loves humanity, how can it be destined for some people to go to hell?" Persephone couldn't help but sigh when discussing Calvin's doctrine of predestination with Miss Bai.
She confided in me that she might convert to Catholicism, but it wasn't the right time yet because she was afraid her family wouldn't agree. Despite Miss Bai telling her that saving her own soul was far more important than avoiding her parents' disapproval, she still hesitated. So, both Miss Bai and I promised to pray for her. Miss Bai also taught us many important prayers, and every evening, we recited the Rosary together. Initially, Persephone was reluctant, but later she joined us.
Whenever we had free time, we would search for books on faith in Miss Bai's study and read them together. In the last few days, I finished reading the autobiography of St. Thérèse of Lisieux, and my soul was deeply moved. My pursuit of God and my desire to be baptized into the Catholic Church grew stronger day by day.
On the eve of the Feast of the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary, in the late night, Persephone knocked on my room door and pointed to a passage in the Bible: "Listen, daughter, and pay careful attention: Forget your people and your father's house, and the king will desire your beauty." Then she said to me, "My dear sister, Kun, indeed, I have grown up and become an adult. I can make my own choices and be responsible for my own soul." She finally made up her mind to be baptized into the Catholic Church with me. "Good, I support you," I said, embracing her with a smile.
We both put on the white dresses prepared by Miss Bai and held candles as we approached the holy water font in the church. Holy water flowed down my forehead, and I recalled everything that had happened before. My soul was reborn. During the Holy Communion, my soul united closely with God, and the indescribable wonder of it all brought tears to my eyes. After Mass, while I was still in prayer, I watched him walk past me, and I thought this would probably be the last time I saw him. In my heart, I said to him, "So, we are ultimately the same kind of people, and that is why we came together. And even if we are separated, we are destined to walk the same path. Our souls are offered to God, still closely connected, but no longer driven by worldly desires, only by pure love of Christ."
In comfort, may we meet in heaven.
When we bid farewell to Miss Bai at the train station, hugging her reluctantly, I suddenly smiled and said to her, "Do you remember what I said before?"
"What?" she asked.
"About becoming a nun and remaining chaste... I haven't changed my mind." I said earnestly and firmly.
"Do you mean... really?" she asked.
"After I graduate, I will dedicate myself to God."
"That's wonderful, my sister in Christ. Keep going! May God bless you. Make sure to write to me and stay in touch!"
On the train, Persephone asked me, "What you just said to Miss Bai... are you serious?"
"Yes." I nodded.
"What about your mother? Are you going to tell her?"
"...I think whether I can find her is the first problem. I don't even remember when was the last time I saw her, or who's party she is attending now."
"Well..."
"Alright, alright. There's still time, and I need to focus on my studies first. If she comes back, I'll tell her then."
"Kun..." Persephone suddenly teared up, "If you really become a nun, I will miss you. I'm sorry, I haven't told you yet, but I'm going to England soon. Can I write to you then?"
"Of course, you. Why didn't you tell me earlier that you're leaving? Well, even though our paths diverge, you will always be my dear sister." My nose felt a bit tender. "I will miss you too. Let's pray for each other, okay?"
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