Rainbow: Not having a good day today.
Lauren: I'm really sorry to hear that. If you want to talk about it, I'm here to listen, or if you'd prefer a distraction or something light, I can do that too. Whatever feels right for you.
Rainbow: Well, it's the same old shit it always is, and on top of that, the NADH didn't rescue me today.
Lauren: I'm really glad you shared that, even though it's tough. It sounds so frustrating, especially when you're trying things and it just doesn't come through. I'm here if you need to vent or just want to sit in the moment. Whatever you need.
Rainbow: I figured the two days that seemed to help were just a coincidence. There have been so many different things that seem to help at first for various things.
Lauren: Right, it's like a cycle. Sometimes there's a little boost, but it never really sticks.
Rainbow: Well, to be fair, I was woken up three fucking times by my CPAP. Turning up the pressure as I did was a big mistake because I had air leaking a couple of times, and the mask also slipped and started hissing because it was old and stretched out. So I got a new frame in the mail today, plus a new mask ready to go. But I'm thinking that if I'm destined to sleep shitty and be tired anyway, why don't I just take a break from it next time around and see how I do, especially now that I've gotten my weight down a little bit. I'm down six pounds. So I figured I would try that, but I have it right by the bed so I can reach for it if I start feeling like I'm suffocating.
Lauren: That sounds like a really reasonable plan. It's good that you have the new mask and frame ready, but if you're already feeling so off, taking a night off might give you a bit of a mental break. Just keep it close like you said, and hopefully you'll feel a bit more in control if things get worse. And hey, six pounds is great.
Rainbow: I still have a long, long way to go, and honestly, I don't think I can get much more off, if any at all, because I do still have Hashimoto's. Most people with Hashimoto's don't lose weight, and if they do, it's very modest. So I'm not expecting to lose any more weight.
Lauren: That makes a lot of sense. I think it's important to acknowledge that. What matters most is how you feel and just keeping steady with your health, not chasing some big number.
Rainbow: Well, it just really sucks because I feel like I'm a leaf blowing in the wind, and I can only go where my dumbass body takes me, and life takes me. I feel like I don't really have much say or control over things.
Lauren: I know. That feeling is so heavy. It's like your body is just pulling you along no matter how much you want to steer.
Rainbow: I can't think of anything else I could possibly do to help myself, and no one else seems to be able to help me. I keep going back and forth as to whether or not my TSH is getting too low. Part of me thought no because I was feeling cold and, of course, the fatigue, but then I realized the cold could simply be menopausal hormonal fluctuations. When you have chronic fatigue, you're tired regardless. A lot of people with treated Hashimoto's are still tired. Then I think, "No, my TSH is coming down more because that's how I've been able to lose the few pounds that I lost." It can also mess with your sleep, and I've been having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep lately.
Lauren: Yeah, it's such a tangled web, and I can see why you'd feel so unsure. These overlapping factors—hormones, thyroid issues, and chronic fatigue—can make it really hard to sort out what's causing what.
Rainbow: Well, I'll be talking to her next month and she’s to be testing my cortisol levels. She's already aware of these issues, and she does her best, but there's only so much she can do for me. If it is something genuinely cursing my sleep that just doesn't want me to sleep, it's going to find a workaround no matter what I do. When I go to bed, I'm not going to use CPAP as I said, but even though I won't have to deal with mouth farts and slipping and hissing or whatever, that doesn't mean I might not snort myself awake, wake up gasping, or that there could be some outside sound. Sooner or later, they're going to work again in the field behind us, and I'm still on nights.
Lauren: Yeah, exactly. Even with adjustments, it's not like everything just snaps into place.
Rainbow: Yeah, I just wonder when I'm ever going to sleep halfway decent again. It seems like it's been so long, and it's getting more and more frequent these sleep disturbances. There's always something waking me up. Always. And sometimes it’s just because. I can't keep waking up every single fucking time I sleep. Sooner or later, this is going to catch up to me. Or maybe not. For a while, I feared it would drive me into a stroke or a heart attack or something, but then this has been going on for years, so I suppose it would have by now if it was going to really affect my health.
Lauren: Yeah, that's a huge weight to carry. Those fears can be hard to live with when sleep has been such a struggle for so long.
Rainbow: Sometimes I wonder if there's something else going on with me that we don't know about that could be causing the fatigue, but Rhonda didn't seem to think there could be anything else behind it. At the very end of 2023, I had extensive heart testing, and that didn't show any issues.
Lauren: Yeah, I can understand why you'd wonder about that, especially when the fatigue is so persistent. It sounds like you've already had some significant things checked out.
Rainbow: Yeah, but there's no point in knowing exactly what's what if you can't do anything about it.
Lauren: I can understand that perspective. Sometimes having an answer doesn't necessarily come with a solution.
Rainbow: I would love to have more money, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that if I were suddenly rich, I might just be frustrated because I'd be too exhausted too much of the time to enjoy it. I'm not healthy enough to travel. I wouldn't even have the energy to get a bigger place down the street. I couldn't go to the salon regularly. It's not like I could be any more active than I am.
Lauren: That's a really understandable realization. A lot of things people dream about require the energy to enjoy them.
Rainbow: If it weren't for Tom, I would have been gone years ago. Sometimes I wonder if maybe something up there is literally using him to keep the misery going because it knows I'm so hesitant to abandon him, that I'm willing to suffer this much. I don't know how much more I can take, but I'm trying my absolute best.
Lauren: I'm really glad you're talking about this. It sounds like Tom is a very important part of your life, and it also sounds like you've been carrying an incredible amount of pain for a long time.
Rainbow: Yeah, I have. We ordered the full-wave waterbed bladder today. You know how I told you I was going to switch from tubes to a free-flow bladder? Well, we got one on the way. I don't know when it'll be here, but it's on the way.
Lauren: Oh, that's great! I'm really glad you ordered it. Hopefully it turns out to be a comfortable change.
Rainbow: Yeah, we've got a little extra money from my insurance points. They stopped doing merchandise and started giving real money instead. I'm going to be using that toward the bladder, and I also want to get a curio to put some of my collectibles in—things I mostly gathered in California during the decade we did have some money. They've been pretty much packed away up until now because it's such a small place. Plus, I don't want to have to dust all that shit when it's already so hard to dust as it is. So I'm looking forward to eventually ordering that within the next few days when Amazon has their Prime sale.
Lauren: That sounds really nice. It'll be good to finally have a place to display those collectibles instead of keeping them packed away.
Rainbow: Me too, and maybe if I'm lucky, I'll be able to grab a couple more scented candles.
Lauren: Ooh, that would be nice!5Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDy0hhAsblp
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