Even though our night went rather plainly like two friends settling down in a bed together, my night was different. While it does not happen often for me sometimes those old memories surfaced attacking me without rest. Slipping out of bed after trying to lay still and maybe drifting off to sleep near her had failed. She brings me peace but even that has its limits from what this night has told me. After making sure she was not disturbed I managed to slip quietly into our bathroom. Washing my face was part of the ritual but it never settled anything for me.
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The next step was stripping down and turning water on so the maximum amount of heat hits me while showering. Sometimes I feel that urge to just cry or curse myself for stupid mistakes or doing things in excess. Surprisingly tonight was more calmer and controlled which can only be because of her presence. Yet thoughts still manage to find cracks that let them slip through and attack me mentally. Everyone lives with regrets and choices made that had terrible results at some point but for me it just feels crushing.
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Protecting someone can just go too far and it can even make you a monster for everyone to stare at. Maybe if protection is taken too far this is a result but how does a young adult handle that level of control. The world does nothing to prepare us and parents are even worse since they have done equally nothing for some children. But this is also part of that cycle since we always seek out someone we can blame which makes us feel just a little better. The fall of water grows colder yet these feet won't move and my mind refuses to calm down. It feels like a single movement will make everything crumble down in a rain of shards. Even after all this time standing here just feeling this water fall on me that urge to cry has grown slowly.
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Finally this body can move but chills run free making it feel like after a shower I stepped into a freezer. However after getting dressed nothing changed for me at all and everything is just slowly surfacing still, leaving me with this ticking explosion. Although I could have climbed back into bed with her and pushed back against these feelings, I keep reminding myself just how impossible that is. So after spending just a little longer staring at her sleeping face it was time for a run. One of my greatest solutions when I start feeling like this is to just run without a care and burn it all away.
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Pushing my body that is just starting to recover is obviously terrible but when running from something we do silly things. This night was still fresh but at some point time was catching up and a shift towards the morning was happening. Everything inside of me hurt and was burning yet my feet continued forward desperately remembering how to pace myself. Even if it did little it was enough to let me run just a little further and then something forced me to stop.
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"Hey..."
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Panting painfully hard trying to catch my breath while speaking into this call. Her voice sounded so wonderful and just like that I was feeling fine again, turning everything I did useless.
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"Are you okay, I did not expect to wake up in an empty bed."
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Alright joke but the worry in her voice was clear and it was rather painful. Why was she so different and is it really just these actions that no one else ever attempted.
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"I needed some air. Sorry about that."
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"If you are struggling with anything, we can talk you know... I am here for you okay?"
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"Yeah I am starting to see that honestly... I have never been particularly bright it seems. Sorry for causing such worry."
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"Should I come to you or would you rather be alone still.?"
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Refusing was the most obvious choice here since I was beyond a simple mess. Yet everything inside of me was still so disorganized.
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"Please.."
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A desperate cry for help escapes me before I could even process how my response should sound. Yet what was done could not be undone so I sat down trying to collect myself on a bench while waiting. Troubling people always made me uncomfortable yet something inside me thinks differently and I have no idea what side that is either. Once the high of running so much fades my body gets hot with everything at once reminding me how stupid it was to do this. However taking a rest like this let me collect myself and hide those cracks again because of her voice.
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The amount of time passed by without me even realizing and the scent of something sweet pulled my eyes open. It felt like my eyes had only been closed for a brief moment yet here she stands with that smile. However unlike other times I can see something on the edge of breaking free reflected in those eyes. It's heartbreaking knowing I am responsible for this and yet here I sit lost yet afraid. The fear of one wrong touch shattering someone or a set of words used causing similar effects.
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"Thought you could use some light breakfast... How are you doing?"
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"A pancake wrap is new but it smells delicious so thank you.... As for how I am doing it's a little complicated. But then you called and nowhere you stand and it's all just.... Vanished."
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The usual her was returning hiding away that vulnerability nearly breaking free. As if neither of us know how we should cross that boundary before us. But it's rather clear now that she has a hold over me that's necessary for surviving in life. Without her a breakdown would be the least of my worries.
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"This tastes really good. Did you already eat?"
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"On the way over so now I can just watch you eat."
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The atmosphere was playful again like it has often been between us and I could feel myself relaxing fully. This food was helping as well since my body seemed to be starving as well. It took some time but we began walking around slowly while talking about things in general. Then she pushed a curve ball out which took me off guard entirely.
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"Can I ask, what has you so.... Damaged ?"
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"Yeah that's a question we should probably discuss... I just do not even know how much to share or if it's even a good idea."
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Nothing changed between us we just walked in silence as if she was giving me time to figure it out, making it impossible to refuse in some ways.
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"Things went terrible for me in highschool.... It's just a common story anyone could have. The two people closest to me had been my only friends and one I was deeply in love with."
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Recalling these memories hurts like reaching into a small space full of shards. However she was patiently quiet for me and it was hard not appreciating this level of commitment.
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"Truthfully none of the kids at my old school had fairy tale homes so it was difficult all around you know. Since she was clearly only interested in me as a friend that's what I did happily. Unfortunately the people she chose had difficulties as well and every time it went bad... I escalated things. It was this uncontrollable rage that often took over, because as a child we often wanna protect our toys. The difference is she was a person not a toy yet I felt the need to step in."
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Even now I can feel regret at my actions that happened because of a person I loved but remained a friend to. Maybe I am to blame or perhaps something else was responsible but those actions were mine to own.
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"It sometimes only went so far, so nothing major happened to me. During one school suspension I got a call. It was my first biggest mistake of course. Apparently her dad was in trouble because of taking out some shady loans... All in all it was not a good situation at all... So how does a kid, barely experiencing the world, find two hundred thousand dollars, you know?... But she was worth everything."
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Sometimes that question hits me out of nowhere and it's always the same without alteration. 'What could you do?'. Even now, what could I do, is more like words meant to crucify me in any way possible.
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"Although she never asked me for help, my entire existence screamed at me. Do something. So I robbed a place I knew was kinda dangerous but would have that money. It was a.... Disaster but I got the cash and she looked at me as if knowing. Yet all I ever saw was a person staring at a monster. Hell the blood on my hands barely had time to dry."
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Yet even if she never asked those eyes truly did know everything and I could see that conflict happening everyday. Maybe if things just ended there and everyone could live peacefully it would have been fine.
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"Long story short various situations kept appearing over time and I never had a limit in helping her. My friends often sat me down and tried getting me to stop, which worked eventually... Then something real bad happened and my entire life was set ablaze. Sometimes you just go so far for a single person nothing else can stop you once that point is reached... She never blamed me when we finally met up again but I could not look at her without feeling guilty. So I visited them often and disappeared as often hoping I could overcome those regrets. Unfortunately she's now far away from me and that's good, time changes everything they say. But some people are just dangerous even if it's meant to be in a good way."
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She stared at me as if asking for those missing pieces but it's not so simple. Digging out that memory is like molten glass dripping on my skin. Breaking down would not look good either so for now this will have to be enough for both of us. Which she accepts while changing the subject to something more random. We began talking about dinner plans and possible dates that we could plan for.
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"Do you see yourself as dangerous."
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One minute everything was settling down as we found topics that came naturally, then she threw a curve ball. What does anyone say in this kind of situation and what does that mean if you just admit it.
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"People in general are dangerous. For me it's probably because some wires got crossed at one point or perhaps this was me."
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"Never knowing how to love yourself is never something to feel guilty about. Yet when you do not even know who you are because the love was never present is. Everyone is dangerous but I think you are different, more protective."
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Compliment that anyone could say simply because it's a truth yet someone like me desires judgement. However she just keeps tearing the attempts apart leaving me feeling defeated, even though I know my way of thinking can be wrong it's still so tempting.
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Before our conversation could continue she was pulling me off somewhere which was the best part about her. While her destination eludes me it still was enough to make me laugh without a reason as we ran forward with her leading. Eventually we arrived at a toy store of some kind but with her in charge everything began making sense. We both started creating stuffed animals which had a deeper meaning but all that mattered was this moment. Playful moments mixed in with serious ones as we created our stuffed animals.
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"Pretty good and I thought this was my victory."
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"You can take the victory, I will settle for second place with you always."
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Unplanned words spoken yet I had no regret since it conveyed what was most important right now. Once we purchased these stuffed animals a trade took place which was the goal for today it seems. Mine was a simple rabbit while she made a bear which made us both realize what had been done. In our own thoughts we created who we saw before us and the outcome was a little different than what she wanted.
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"Well we seemed to be rather connected in many ways. Trading these stuffed animals kinda seems strange now, right?"
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"Not at all because you can take both so at least another part of me is close to you. Solve the problem right?"
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"But this was supposed to be romantic and then we traded our stuffed animals at the end. But giving you a stuffed bear in the form of you seems weird."
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"Well thankfully we can create our own romantic moments that are unique to use alone. So cheer up and take them both so they can stay a pair."
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Slight pouting but a small kiss brought her to a compromise and we both created a third stuffed animal together. At the end of this adventure I had a deer with a heart stitched into its side. According to her using a bear or rabbit was not possible since we already did that but this was also cute. The rest of our day was rather calm and energetic as we continued roaming around without a plan. Eating at small shops that provided authentic home cooking which just elevated our night that was approaching quickly. Although this day was mostly unplanned with unexpected adventures and exploring everything was perfect. Yet somehow we arrived back at that room where we shared a bed for the first time. Drifting off towards sleep next to her will be much better this time.
ns216.73.217.39da2
and then Add to home screen.