"Nothing heals heartbreak like screaming Olivia Rodrigo at full volume."
From: [email protected]56Please respect copyright.PENANA71Mfn8yOkA
To: [email protected]56Please respect copyright.PENANA93ocoRl8NY
Subject: pettiest playlist of the year goes to… me
eli.56Please respect copyright.PENANAjc0T8bmQMC
i made a playlist titled “for when your groupmate uses comic sans and your faith in humanity breaks.”56Please respect copyright.PENANAZs7Mn4ME3F
i’m currently scream-singing to track 4 while eating cereal with a fork because all my spoons are in the sink.56Please respect copyright.PENANA5SlDKUqN1w
it’s a mood.
– maya56Please respect copyright.PENANALj7ENVHmFW
sad. dramatic. cereal-forking.
From: [email protected]56Please respect copyright.PENANAbRTieSyAS3
To: [email protected]56Please respect copyright.PENANAt7clroZqLa
Subject: cereal fork is a vibe
maya.56Please respect copyright.PENANAK3mNzVYxGZ
track 4 better be “good 4 u” or i’m calling the authorities.56Please respect copyright.PENANAmuJWqtxYq4
also, the fork thing is valid. i once drank iced coffee with a knife. no regrets.56Please respect copyright.PENANAlqffZWWe7k
send me the playlist. for... peer review.
– eli56Please respect copyright.PENANArVdBXeFyBc
music snob, chaos enabler
From: [email protected]56Please respect copyright.PENANAlgznI2o4S8
To: [email protected]56Please respect copyright.PENANAdhhuYWVm52
Subject: attached: rage therapy 💕
okay you asked for it.56Please respect copyright.PENANADLZBjMAmsV
enjoy: [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4mtUmL00VaYfC0gkEH0Odt?si=uPQWcd-5RuGOfoOppIcfQg] “dear god why do men” — a playlist in five stages of grief, three accidental crushes, and one cup of weaponized spite.
tracklist highlights:
misery business – paramore
better than revenge – taylor swift
good 4 u – olivia rodrigo
brutal – also olivia, my queen
should’ve said no – taylor again, obviously
kill bill – sza (i don’t condone murder, but i vibe)
– maya56Please respect copyright.PENANAumzPwZBqQi
the most dramatic person you never met
From: [email protected]56Please respect copyright.PENANAKqObL3t8yG
To: [email protected]56Please respect copyright.PENANAxkkEbBQQBo
Subject: playlist review: violently iconic
maya.56Please respect copyright.PENANARbiBBbedUy
i have goosebumps.56Please respect copyright.PENANAEh7Djyz61h
i want to fight someone. i don’t even know who. but i’m hyped.56Please respect copyright.PENANAB0D61Ubpe4
“kill bill” came on and i almost texted my ex “good luck.”56Please respect copyright.PENANARAmLkYjrl5
i didn’t. but spiritually, i did.
also: “dear god why do men” deserves a grammy for best emotional support.
– eli56Please respect copyright.PENANAYx5VOI9HGn
threatened. inspired.
From: [email protected]56Please respect copyright.PENANAsypANKpkOA
To: [email protected]56Please respect copyright.PENANAxOD6fFMLxn
Subject: so we’re rage soulmates now?
eli,56Please respect copyright.PENANAVrGs0T9AXl
you passed the vibe check.56Please respect copyright.PENANAxCZuY30Ej2
you didn’t question my musical angst or my cereal fork.56Please respect copyright.PENANAF956C3r1Rb
this feels like the start of something irrationally comforting.
ps: have you ever cried to phoebe bridgers in a parking lot or is that just me?
– maya56Please respect copyright.PENANAewensxAc2y
emotionally stable adjacent
From: [email protected]56Please respect copyright.PENANA59PGLzXqcl
To: [email protected]56Please respect copyright.PENANADJOb4HM4k5
Subject: phoebe bridgers made me cry at the DMV
maya.56Please respect copyright.PENANAqdO71KpxZj
“motion sickness” came on. i was holding a ticket that said A132.56Please respect copyright.PENANAADg8VcW57K
i did cry.56Please respect copyright.PENANAgwC8GjwjLt
the security guard offered me a tissue and a mint.
so yes. we’re bonded now.
– eli56Please respect copyright.PENANAasCGQAJ9Dy
co-president, feelings club
From: [email protected]56Please respect copyright.PENANA4Us9NslKQT
To: [email protected]56Please respect copyright.PENANA6EKkK6gYmg
Subject: certified mood
i would like to formally nominate you as:
my email pen pal
my official heartbreak soundtrack consultant
and co-author of “texts we never sent but emotionally screamed”
it’s a growing resume. benefits include emotional chaos and unsolicited memes.
– maya56Please respect copyright.PENANARa5UOL6VyU
possibly your new internet pen friend
From: [email protected]56Please respect copyright.PENANA02f0SRb1SN
To: [email protected]56Please respect copyright.PENANAjw7nudMJEU
Subject: i accept the role
with great inbox comes great responsibility.56Please respect copyright.PENANAnCtrLpbc4c
you send the songs, i’ll send the sarcasm.56Please respect copyright.PENANA6eq6eJ9voc
together we’re like...56Please respect copyright.PENANAxSEIERUTo5
the emotional avengers.56Please respect copyright.PENANAMAvsmyVomP
no capes though. just playlists.
– eli56Please respect copyright.PENANA7zXCaNq5wZ
ready to rage, reply, repeat
Attachment: Liner Notes from Eli Martin56Please respect copyright.PENANAm1ws8yMbU7
🎧 “dear god why do men” – Reviewed
📝 liner notes by eli, who has clearly felt too much and judged too many fonts
Track 1: Misery Business – Paramore56Please respect copyright.PENANAIdL4XeZ7WI
this track made me want to break up with someone i’m not dating.56Please respect copyright.PENANAMU5kAiNEGb
⭐ rage level: 9.5/10
Track 2: Better Than Revenge – Taylor Swift56Please respect copyright.PENANA2iYdVZ6kGN
may have shouted “she’s not a saint!” at a squirrel.56Please respect copyright.PENANAH11V0yLoK6
⭐ sass factor: 11/10
Track 3: good 4 u – Olivia Rodrigo56Please respect copyright.PENANAYD18rxW8zf
screamed into a spoon. felt better.56Please respect copyright.PENANAjIcI6EDt3e
⭐ catharsis: 10/10
Track 4: brutal – Olivia Rodrigo56Please respect copyright.PENANAeZQagLdWCy
i knocked over a lamp. worth it.56Please respect copyright.PENANAQ8awdOJPup
⭐ chaos energy: unmeasurable
Track 5: should’ve said no – Taylor Swift56Please respect copyright.PENANAk0jm3Pv6bQ
the rain cried for me.56Please respect copyright.PENANAh7r2efhnKv
⭐ drama: peak
Track 6: Kill Bill – SZA56Please respect copyright.PENANAvuxNtI8wQj
i do not condone murder. but i understand.56Please respect copyright.PENANA0VP1bqnRaj
⭐ emotional weaponry: activated
Final thoughts:56Please respect copyright.PENANANwq7m34ec1
this playlist isn't therapy. it's exorcism.56Please respect copyright.PENANAZdNTMedzs7
i feel seen, personally attacked, and spiritually lighter.56Please respect copyright.PENANAYdmsMNUHcK
maya, if you ever make another one — please consider me your chaos consultant.
– eli56Please respect copyright.PENANA85Zopu94gm
officially unwell in a poetic way