"Nothing heals heartbreak like screaming Olivia Rodrigo at full volume."
From: [email protected]33Please respect copyright.PENANAzaPY84AcAK
To: [email protected]33Please respect copyright.PENANA5iQxIVFWcH
Subject: pettiest playlist of the year goes to… me
eli.33Please respect copyright.PENANA4l4FJgsbGG
i made a playlist titled “for when your groupmate uses comic sans and your faith in humanity breaks.”33Please respect copyright.PENANAZs6nz730nj
i’m currently scream-singing to track 4 while eating cereal with a fork because all my spoons are in the sink.33Please respect copyright.PENANA2uTYn5iNrS
it’s a mood.
– maya33Please respect copyright.PENANAl8x0ZI2kJl
sad. dramatic. cereal-forking.
From: [email protected]33Please respect copyright.PENANASrD2nVeD0p
To: [email protected]33Please respect copyright.PENANAhXMnUSdXTS
Subject: cereal fork is a vibe
maya.33Please respect copyright.PENANA6bipZg6Ufw
track 4 better be “good 4 u” or i’m calling the authorities.33Please respect copyright.PENANAezMAlK0OyL
also, the fork thing is valid. i once drank iced coffee with a knife. no regrets.33Please respect copyright.PENANA1kIuaXGZlf
send me the playlist. for... peer review.
– eli33Please respect copyright.PENANA4G09bo4q6t
music snob, chaos enabler
From: [email protected]33Please respect copyright.PENANAgpMyNYrPKB
To: [email protected]33Please respect copyright.PENANAIhRkbcywYL
Subject: attached: rage therapy 💕
okay you asked for it.33Please respect copyright.PENANAHwWr8gmRSu
enjoy: [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4mtUmL00VaYfC0gkEH0Odt?si=uPQWcd-5RuGOfoOppIcfQg] “dear god why do men” — a playlist in five stages of grief, three accidental crushes, and one cup of weaponized spite.
tracklist highlights:
misery business – paramore
better than revenge – taylor swift
good 4 u – olivia rodrigo
brutal – also olivia, my queen
should’ve said no – taylor again, obviously
kill bill – sza (i don’t condone murder, but i vibe)
– maya33Please respect copyright.PENANAAk8NL24pDp
the most dramatic person you never met
From: [email protected]33Please respect copyright.PENANAn5AcLE0YoB
To: [email protected]33Please respect copyright.PENANAxgBWI1ygRp
Subject: playlist review: violently iconic
maya.33Please respect copyright.PENANA83yPeNy2Jp
i have goosebumps.33Please respect copyright.PENANAWpi7eklbtO
i want to fight someone. i don’t even know who. but i’m hyped.33Please respect copyright.PENANAtmvNopImew
“kill bill” came on and i almost texted my ex “good luck.”33Please respect copyright.PENANA6VaKcr7a3M
i didn’t. but spiritually, i did.
also: “dear god why do men” deserves a grammy for best emotional support.
– eli33Please respect copyright.PENANAv0kXgzM6Ka
threatened. inspired.
From: [email protected]33Please respect copyright.PENANAa6IobZo0XX
To: [email protected]33Please respect copyright.PENANAsYFIvEhX7a
Subject: so we’re rage soulmates now?
eli,33Please respect copyright.PENANAZbyYoleCPC
you passed the vibe check.33Please respect copyright.PENANAld6atNRB4S
you didn’t question my musical angst or my cereal fork.33Please respect copyright.PENANAYEmLfwifnZ
this feels like the start of something irrationally comforting.
ps: have you ever cried to phoebe bridgers in a parking lot or is that just me?
– maya33Please respect copyright.PENANA6hg7Sc9URg
emotionally stable adjacent
From: [email protected]33Please respect copyright.PENANA5KWF9JeoEU
To: [email protected]33Please respect copyright.PENANApgB1kkoqeL
Subject: phoebe bridgers made me cry at the DMV
maya.33Please respect copyright.PENANAjpcseTP13H
“motion sickness” came on. i was holding a ticket that said A132.33Please respect copyright.PENANAyjDKu2cLqG
i did cry.33Please respect copyright.PENANAZ2zPWj3wN7
the security guard offered me a tissue and a mint.
so yes. we’re bonded now.
– eli33Please respect copyright.PENANAV5g6nenwNv
co-president, feelings club
From: [email protected]33Please respect copyright.PENANAavQztmG5G4
To: [email protected]33Please respect copyright.PENANArEMjnWr8eV
Subject: certified mood
i would like to formally nominate you as:
my email pen pal
my official heartbreak soundtrack consultant
and co-author of “texts we never sent but emotionally screamed”
it’s a growing resume. benefits include emotional chaos and unsolicited memes.
– maya33Please respect copyright.PENANAUuR4K8M2on
possibly your new internet pen friend
From: [email protected]33Please respect copyright.PENANAvSM5MsKoHr
To: [email protected]33Please respect copyright.PENANAYvm960n3ZR
Subject: i accept the role
with great inbox comes great responsibility.33Please respect copyright.PENANAh8ufPDHwMT
you send the songs, i’ll send the sarcasm.33Please respect copyright.PENANA4aPG594ef2
together we’re like...33Please respect copyright.PENANA6BFrHISPYF
the emotional avengers.33Please respect copyright.PENANAXQvUAo7bO3
no capes though. just playlists.
– eli33Please respect copyright.PENANAhtDg0hA3GJ
ready to rage, reply, repeat
Attachment: Liner Notes from Eli Martin33Please respect copyright.PENANAGg2r4rgVDR
🎧 “dear god why do men” – Reviewed
📝 liner notes by eli, who has clearly felt too much and judged too many fonts
Track 1: Misery Business – Paramore33Please respect copyright.PENANAPQXfMnRg7r
this track made me want to break up with someone i’m not dating.33Please respect copyright.PENANAl1FKkU84Jk
⭐ rage level: 9.5/10
Track 2: Better Than Revenge – Taylor Swift33Please respect copyright.PENANAKww63etdUL
may have shouted “she’s not a saint!” at a squirrel.33Please respect copyright.PENANAErtAOcLgKA
⭐ sass factor: 11/10
Track 3: good 4 u – Olivia Rodrigo33Please respect copyright.PENANAVgeC32nSoy
screamed into a spoon. felt better.33Please respect copyright.PENANAjNcTMarD0M
⭐ catharsis: 10/10
Track 4: brutal – Olivia Rodrigo33Please respect copyright.PENANAVlVXXGBEDv
i knocked over a lamp. worth it.33Please respect copyright.PENANAQOBCsAZ1jT
⭐ chaos energy: unmeasurable
Track 5: should’ve said no – Taylor Swift33Please respect copyright.PENANAIRhx7QGvqS
the rain cried for me.33Please respect copyright.PENANA0ZbmpePDso
⭐ drama: peak
Track 6: Kill Bill – SZA33Please respect copyright.PENANA8bU2LxtPk0
i do not condone murder. but i understand.33Please respect copyright.PENANA9plC7prKAn
⭐ emotional weaponry: activated
Final thoughts:33Please respect copyright.PENANAquaH31Dfty
this playlist isn't therapy. it's exorcism.33Please respect copyright.PENANAfyHFxVlhkO
i feel seen, personally attacked, and spiritually lighter.33Please respect copyright.PENANAYupIWorWrC
maya, if you ever make another one — please consider me your chaos consultant.
– eli33Please respect copyright.PENANApi66Gqr4bI
officially unwell in a poetic way