I don’t know how to start this, or even if I have the right to. But I’ve been sitting with everything for a while now, and the truth is, I think it really was my fault. We were doing okay. You were trying. I could see it. I could feel it. Things weren’t perfect, but we were building something again- slowly, carefully- and then I shattered it. And I’m so, so sorry. 212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTC7ygyr8be
When I tried to end my life, I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I wasn’t trying to betray you. I know it felt like that- and I’ll never stop carrying the weight of how it must’ve felt to watch someone you love break like that, knowing you couldn’t stop it. But I wasn’t thinking clearly. I wasn’t thinking about anything beyond the pain I was drowning in. I didn’t think about you, or how far you’d come to meet me where I was. 212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdmTiD249qF
I didn’t think about Spike, or your dumb Tarkov rants, or how you’d wake me up from naps just to pull me close. I didn’t think. I just… wanted it to stop. And that’s the worst part, isn’t it? That I couldn’t hold on to all the love you were giving me, because I was too wrapped up in the darkness inside myself. That I made you feel like all your effort wasn’t enough- when the truth is, you were more than enough. 212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFLMhWiEo4s
You were the only good thing I had left, and I still broke it. I hate that I put you in that position. I hate that I made you feel helpless. Like all your trying didn’t matter. Like your love couldn’t save me. I know it changed things. I know I changed things. I don’t blame you for pulling away. I don’t blame you for protecting yourself. You were already carrying more than you should have had to, and then I handed you a kind of pain no one should be expected to bear. That wasn’t love. That wasn’t fair. And even now, after everything, I still love you. Deeply. Desperately. 212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdKuGNBlGKa
I still remember the way you used to look at me like I was your whole world. I still hear you in my head- calling me rat, or pig, or voluminous pup with that stupid grin on your face. I still feel your nose kisses and your arms around me like the world outside didn’t exist. You loved me in a way that felt like safety. And I was reckless with it. Not because I didn’t care, but because I didn’t know how to hold something so good without believing I’d ruin it eventually. And then I did. 212Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCbdbG5v2VY
I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me. I don’t know if I’ll ever deserve that forgiveness. But if nothing else, I want you to know this: I never stopped loving you. Not for a second. And I’m so sorry for how I hurt you. I’d do anything to go back and hold on tighter- to choose life, to choose you, and to let you love me the way you were trying to. You didn’t fail me. I failed myself. And I’m sorry I dragged you down with me when all you wanted was for me to be okay. I hope, wherever you are now, you’re finding peace. And I hope you know, even if you can’t love me anymore, that you were the light in my darkest place.
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