我抹乾眼淚,坐直身子,再次面對「阿媽」,她同樣紅着眼,與我對視着。 31Please respect copyright.PENANAXodFtRl919
31Please respect copyright.PENANAk4fdXYv7TT
我強忍淚水,深呼一口氣,吐出埋藏多時的心底話:「其實你係咪好嬲我,所以無等我就走咗?我唔係有心話你,我一直都好後悔好內疚,但我唔知可以點做,好怕你嬲咗我⋯⋯」 31Please respect copyright.PENANAifIgiyBdxl
31Please respect copyright.PENANAZWUPFZIirx
我以為做錯可怕、道歉更難,但原來無法彌補,才是一輩子遺憾。 31Please respect copyright.PENANASjRjnVlSDW
31Please respect copyright.PENANA20Akd71Zsz
所有道歉字句,猶如回音般,只得自己聽見,永無答覆。 就連對方是否討厭自己,你亦無從得知,都只能憑感覺空想,為自己施下內疚魔咒,甘願纏繞一輩子。 31Please respect copyright.PENANAfe1Tmp964f
31Please respect copyright.PENANAAnOsDk4tfO
「對唔住,我唔係一個乖仔。」說罷,眼淚又不爭氣掉下來。 31Please respect copyright.PENANAazvwi6zYAD
31Please respect copyright.PENANAfGKvhxR5gA
「阿媽」頓了頓,眼角劃出一滴淚。她沒作理會,卻以紙巾為我抹淚:「當初生你出嚟,唔係諗你乖定曳,只係想你健康開心。 無論你係咪乖仔,你永遠都係我哋嘅宗仔。」 31Please respect copyright.PENANA1EI2MwZIm3
31Please respect copyright.PENANA8zNStwtvAm
她逐說:「你當晚唔喺度,或者係件好事。 本身我哋傾緊計,但突然覺得好眼瞓,所以想訓一陣。可能出於直覺,你阿爸唔放心,一直望住儀器唔敢訓,點知心跳由80幾突然跌到50、50變30、最後直接變0。 佢反應已經好快,即刻彈起身、叫姑娘醫生過嚟。所有人推曬藥物儀器跑過嚟,打完強心計無反應、即刻做心外壓,依然無反應,打多幾支、繼續搓心,搓成二十幾分鐘,都係無用,完全無呼吸脈搏同心跳。 最後,佢唔想我繼續受苦,決定由我走。睇住自己最親最重視嘅人,上一秒有講有笑、有心跳有靈魂,下一秒毫無血色,成個人僵硬凍冰冰,陰陽相隔。呢個畫面,其實好恐怖、好難受。」31Please respect copyright.PENANAO2879LnNfV
31Please respect copyright.PENANAhXuHLbK3tE
即使當時不在現場,單憑阿媽親口描述,我已驚訝得毛骨悚然,但最令我震驚,為阿爸未有講述真相、亦不曾提起此事,僅淡然交代一句,阿媽於睡夢中逝去,過程安祥無痛苦。 31Please respect copyright.PENANA0rvDUerDNw
31Please respect copyright.PENANAD6msXnKzLj
我無法想像,他當刻作出決定的心情。愛對方,當然盼望生存保命,但活過來以後,繼續受病魔折磨,病情一次比一次嚴重,到底是愛她還是害她? 31Please respect copyright.PENANAM1zb9n0lbC
31Please respect copyright.PENANAozO3FDY8JQ
「佢從來都無話過我知⋯⋯我嗰晚仲走咗去玩,訓到電話都聽唔到,但佢一句都無怪過我。」也許,我一直錯怪阿爸,他比我想像更愛阿媽,反觀自己,直到失去才懂得珍惜後悔,能夠做到的,就只有保留遺物而已。31Please respect copyright.PENANABEY5uN9BZM
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但我始終不理解、也無法接受他處置阿媽遺物做法。 31Please respect copyright.PENANANQtX4edPLc
31Please respect copyright.PENANA3NBGTTqFbJ
「點解要怪你?人死不能復生,講比你知,只會更加自責難過,佢唔講,係唔想你再承受打擊。」31Please respect copyright.PENANA7RKHi5Ij3i
31Please respect copyright.PENANA7H9nep1rmf
「就算佢唔講,我都會怪自己。」我緊握拳頭道,「阿媽」見狀,輕掃我膊肩苦笑:「其實要講對唔住嘅,應該係我,係我無做好父母責任,令大家咁痛苦。」 31Please respect copyright.PENANAwWQXfoUtbE
31Please respect copyright.PENANAD6BdSwZHnS
「我知你都撐得好辛苦,係為咗我同阿爸先堅持。你走咗之後,阿爸反而笑多咗,更加唔比我提起你,收埋曬啲合照。」我示意阿媽望向周圍,無奈續說:「我諗唔洗我講,你都應該見到。我甚至懷疑過,阿爸係咪出軌。」31Please respect copyright.PENANAFXzFwguWzo
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她面色一沉,朝阿爸睡房方向走去,揮手示意我跟隨。31Please respect copyright.PENANANYeHSYBfIE
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「你應該無入過去?」 31Please respect copyright.PENANAIFY8HiRys5
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「無,佢一直閂門。」 31Please respect copyright.PENANAIw1yUfzyoU
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「唔止閂,仲有鎖門。」她轉動門把道。 31Please respect copyright.PENANARdNHUh6y8j
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我錯愕追問:「你一直喺度望住?」她搖頭,指向腦袋位置:「佢話我知。」31Please respect copyright.PENANAiEaeGtPlgK
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「係阿爸話你知?即係佢聽到曬我哋講嘢?咁佢真身喺邊?」我好奇得不斷發問,她則耐性解答:「我可以睇到佢記憶,靈魂依然喺身體,但就算醒翻都唔會記得太清楚。」31Please respect copyright.PENANAQrAmwrsjdU
31Please respect copyright.PENANABlBh1poHPm
「哦。」剛才的對話,真誠又赤裸、更互相擁抱。若果阿爸清醒過來,擁有這段回憶,相處會否變得尷尬奇怪? 31Please respect copyright.PENANAXXHX6PIVtW
31Please respect copyright.PENANAKJJIUvJhAJ
「阿媽」望我一眼,像是看破我心思:「你唔想佢知道?」 我坦白從寬:「自從你唔喺度,我一直唔知點面對阿爸,好似講多幾句就會嘈交,代溝越嚟越大,唔明佢點諗。」 31Please respect copyright.PENANAwOQ470YYCO
31Please respect copyright.PENANAIVw7f6ewTR
「男人就係咁,唔鐘意講出口,怕肉麻尷尬。佢唔講,唔代表佢唔關心你,你應該知道,點解佢成日訓梳化。」 我別過臉,不想承認。 31Please respect copyright.PENANADvv9Ms5btE
31Please respect copyright.PENANAIJuPfjwvlK
她笑了笑,然後純熟從褲袋抽出房間鎖匙,兩三下就扭開門。31Please respect copyright.PENANAWBIleS2ejZ
31Please respect copyright.PENANAIs31CelM9H
門後景象,並非我想像中簡約整齊,反而雜亂無章、佈滿阿媽生前用品。31Please respect copyright.PENANAZur6bpTo3w
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「點解⋯⋯佢唔係拎曬去回收?」 31Please respect copyright.PENANAWTS0nszMQh
31Please respect copyright.PENANAKUXDijt81A
「呢個,就係我翻嚟原因之一。」她邊說,邊走入房間,自然地攤坐在床上,我跟隨身後,坐在椅上,觀看四周。
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一覺睡醒,發現阿爸變成女人
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一覺睡醒,發現阿爸變成女人
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P牌說故事
ISSUE #6
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