穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV69tLRpkIL
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6BKQSZLIs5
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHV6zhq3Djv
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeSAriuwhDI
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDFrCexR4u2
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4HG7RSa1BL
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUqIuRStPpa
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8cBFErmLLG
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbelqMwpUpR
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2PKZ26xarZ
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR2tCmaCygP
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrFlkkXWMGf
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsNet5UujUy
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa0RqYk5oGP
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK2DlMA8tI2
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsfW6NAjrKD
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdOXyHJKaVh
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqCaEokfuoU
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU0VUZelJXL
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX8VaN3ANs7
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxlDjnIOgv2
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXAPexsLlko
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHmaQ0b0llw
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdi0wkdlpQq
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU0I47wv6vW
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg80Wdeup8Z
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuER0cWXbXh
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0nRGiVjCd1
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWMoNBvyX3Q
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPn4636wPPp
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK9NvzZNo88
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTRCBSdSxlc
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaVrP8ER5L1
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ744E1UxFw8
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVqEblg8X1q
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEeUwPfdZHZ
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsqaQyLA6om
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFexiII4DZL
「鍾意你。」他說。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhN67lGWYgN
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAQOSCdIzSi
「我都係。」她應。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCBhJBvlfkj
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsUuGGGkRuQ
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡieMP4jfTym
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCYUMPQz2j0
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk1i7pZSRA5
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVQaXI0SJcF
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKWJM8s7UcY
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHwuekKnBaP
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzW6QWsN4Vr
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSsHqrjZMX0
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDIxBIvnWmL
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8XaUxrQxAq
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTRtm2KxpEN
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLgWm6aVbG8
二人過後做愛、入睡。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEHbefphFZ2
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt4lWPQa9wb
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJvzEUnYFnY
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUAmbZtI3qc
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTM8w3bybwM
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSuXrJR0viW
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuc4crrjejr
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDeaHr4NhKw
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD1moHbxPsG
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQiE8zO9tY
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsR4Gvc7sve
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2SUc2jp6eS
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC54CrEfAHn
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNjGhQkV8c9
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl7RrR9STj8
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRIc1oRC0c7
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMRqmCxNDvp
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPI0m9DOv1M
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡczxojyQ9Rh
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH6DHX3ZJ7Z
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNCHHGdd5dP
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCd7bVDOad8
她糊糊塗塗。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYiW5xHEEWz
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu1LD4iQUVF
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe8FHSxl00P
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYS60z8bNfm
最怕空虛。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEvhdXKgqFw
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ycvqZaIg6
/400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGA53C5jFIw
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeUnNQ8wsc5
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9t8ypvNgxH
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4NabCOWwUj
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvTlJHuJsvH
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0aX9riaWcM
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Opu7sIflf
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBf7nnJXg4H
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEP9IbuOCvM
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ17qZBHsuLx
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhazULQs2CK
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTL0XzkgAxR
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk1wecXwFNS
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKtLB83BlBD
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmQ1b1HlTvl
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm2Xq63Gv4c
她不過在日常之中夢遊。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9PDPTN5CQM
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSGkEclHY3U
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZTv7vZZzbq
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL2eOhpCZd3
「上年12月開始。」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqKISp15FpI
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡevtzmjG6Ox
「頻率係？」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUcgFXw54KE
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJb3MleyZQP
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvTtfbYWEkX
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFUQYTMvZjF
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2F6MAWXCRV
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Ao7s5IDFo
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuGgoSN3mLi
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAGwiR8r5VK
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjrLZPOoQuq
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtncclycp44
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4LMqVYMSxO
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjzLAgijwdL
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYIEwf1ZLCY
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpc7qUKipPQ
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzIbbxAjSnH
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF9OHZQdaGs
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVMgQybteIq
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ82tgHBw2Bz
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoBzztoko38
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡot7bW4rSAU
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTyra4bpvGV
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxbs8qk3Mt4
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqD5xS6fwjZ
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9OR1SWtf34
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡikAcJVuFhO
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8uww2jIDfx
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyDmZy07jr8
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB87KIm9CYJ
連傾訴都不真誠。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyeOSFPbIMg
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2FkI0Z1Kdc
不開心又不去死。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeDmDJBZIRz
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlAs8XjsLKc
不去死又不改變。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPPn1kkKk6l
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvP2meIlNH9
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM0FkJligJi
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡATTgimrAck
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2WABgPxe8l
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD3ZnDrcU6a
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWyMsaT6mFp
400Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSOJoTftfQW
然後按「加至主畫面」