其實她沒有忘記那些老師的臉，只是沒有太深刻，可能因為她由此至終都是沉悶的學生。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdBUj3tbIDk
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJzuDBkP3Dl
小學，那樣久遠，卻有很多回憶湧現——546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ7eaXjDUWC
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ87K8EHfjC0
家裡窮，那些要錢才能學的才藝，她通通無份。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk5Wdm7uoTT
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTXTeIuS0ET
她總是很羨慕人多才多藝——不是妒忌，而是羨慕，那些在學業以外的興趣太吸引，身邊能把它們玩得好的人，在她眼中都在閃閃發亮。尤其是，一項才藝往往有道具的配合，譬如舞衣、小提琴、畫具、跆拳道服，很帥氣。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIsB4aoXiur
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8FV15ZFuxk
因此，在發現學校有許多校隊招攬時，便盡量表現，希望可以試多點。高小時期，她是舞蹈隊、廣播劇隊、繪畫隊、笛隊的成員，用來配合學校訓練，出去參加比賽。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPNnePNi7HQ
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtPjQksvpR3
那些比賽的日子總是很近，臨近呈分試，她依然不想落下任何一個活動，只要可以，就趕上訓練。三點放學，先去必要人齊的廣播劇，四點半到舞蹈隊拉筋，然後被老師罵：546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr7wJeKUNEE
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbf98RSv8xe
「有好多嘢做又點？遲到就係心散。」546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD3vpIcvi3K
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsWhHPWFwZA
想來可笑，現在她已不能柔軟地「拍蝴蝶」，但是，老師罵她後，她便無時無刻念記舞步的記憶，還在。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiImFFFB5Jj
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX1Nidsjc8M
七點放學，天空只有一片黑。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRjjejOeAVO
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8lhYdLZ2Oa
廣播劇和跳舞都很好玩，一班人，一同為一個故事演出，練到有肌肉記憶，聽到背景音樂便入狀態，實在難忘。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4VsxoA9FL4
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT7sxdgpNk0
令林蓁覺得辛苦的是，笛及繪畫。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxI9uOTK9QY
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhoqz4qMOSG
吹笛要天份——即使是兒時人人都玩的牧童笛。音樂考試後，林蓁便被選去笛隊，她還沾沾自喜——一級的笛隊只得三人，那樣難得。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkAAqzKg5jU
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlQV2fFTfgl
可是，她很快發現，人與人之間確實存在差距，並非輕易填滿。和她一起參賽的另外兩位同學，都懂得運氣，吹出來的音色更加圓渾，而她只憑肺部吐出氣息，聽來薄弱。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeNUUUcnE19
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1vWgGKq8ot
最初，她還以為自己可以憑努力練習，拉近與同學的差距，但原來不能。無論她怎樣嘗試以丹田運氣，表現與原先所差無幾。單從結果上看，就像她沒有練習過。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvef6tDkwp1
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGYfIcSrq6Y
她感到無力。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9jEEqaK0A8
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsZJt97oXWE
繪畫也是。由於校內視覺藝術科的成績不錯，便被老師挑選到繪畫隊。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX3C77PEyIG
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhdebz8iMaI
她生平第一次意識到——也是往後如此認知——自己一點美術天份也沒有，沒有創意、沒有美感觸覺，沒有對顏色及佈局的概念，總之，每幅畫都是極吃力地畫出來，若是不滿意，便砍掉重練，不斷畫、不斷比較，546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3mYfYmIOnN
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe2jWRJaXiU
最後都被同學嘲笑：「你憑咩同我哋一齊入嚟啊？」她本人也不知。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxNKQSPRe6M
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYXI5PM8FN8
結果，牧童笛考試及視藝科成績再好，用處只能是：讓她認清自身美術的平庸。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡacWTbp0Gzr
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlSJNIUujxc
從此，她沒有再接觸過音樂及美術。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0gFAR982aA
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUJCC9x1FR2
至於舞蹈及廣播劇，升讀中學後，她便也沒有再碰。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ39ocTW5mKK
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPzD1vQ8h5
校內沒有廣播劇，而她在中一已留意學校舞蹈學會，發現成員們全是專業學過跳舞的，中國舞現代舞爵士舞芭蕾舞等等等等，有獎項有證書。沒有人比較，或許學會亦不理會舞蹈根基、不介意她其實連一字馬這基本功也做不好，但她早早自慚形穢，走得遠遠。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDNEJ23fdRX
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡypfyrEpMf7
哇，原來十年前的事彷如昨日。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPB2ipOR0Jq
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEsPK4Ie5oT
//546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdLizx2kOdM
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv51a9WZcHL
看見課室與舊時沒有什麼分別，便教林蓁想起一個同學，花名叫「鼻屎杰」——她竟已忘記他的本名。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzHjboAT7IH
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmJZBcVT0K0
鼻屎杰皮膚很白，像沒有血色，眉毛淡淡，眼睛小小，嘴巴紅紅，說話時，口水總在拉絲，牙齒上有許多泡泡。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXnT0eJa6lr
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkRLtH8MJqJ
在小學時期，大家都異常興奮（相比中學、大學），控制不住吵鬧、調皮，唯獨是鼻屎杰，沉默寡言，只愛看書，有時是《丁丁歷險記》，有時是直排密密麻麻的小說，有時是圖文並茂的大自然詭秘探索系列。林蓁坐他斜前方，她總是好奇他在看什麼，但又與他不熟，便只是盯著書封，一語不發。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ12uLdmUK2g
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ62CpikXZWT
他便將櫃桶的另一本書拿出來，遞給她。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ34T3tJYbW
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡijJO8uEdv3
二人不算好友，畢竟沒有什麼話聊，但她總感覺和他是投契的朋友。當時她不喜歡聒噪的男生，覺得好幼稚——拿著一張只考57分的試卷還興奮地跑來跑去，再踢另一個男同學。文靜的男生是少數，她知道鼻屎杰就是獨特的一群。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVzdIyT9NjF
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSTqtWQFGm9
直至他被人說污糟邋遢。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIfzDPo7cbo
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvvyqCV8jIP
譬如，到處撩鼻屎再將其黏到桌子、椅子上，去廁所周圍噴，常沾到褲腳，不洗頭不洗澡，身上有異味。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Ztpw1WgKv
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiV5y2ouux7
他從此起被稱為「鼻屎杰」，這花名竟被她記到廿一歲，甚至覆蓋原先記憶。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqoDdKODOdR
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9BPSpHXaAf
林蓁聽見這些話，只有不解。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC875SMCclc
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPIJ9EZ9HmA
「佢無啊？你哋覺得佢污糟咩？揭開啲書都好乾淨。」546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi2mEZOaqkw
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8pxa1geazn
「你睇吓佢個樣，成日好多口水泡泡，就算係咁撩鼻屎都唔出奇。」546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIb41Xp7l6t
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlw7Tpk2QBh
「但佢無喎……張枱好乾淨。」546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqGQ4ot4A3E
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZCnuXLhGim
當時林蓁不理會別人怎想，依然會在小息時，跟鼻屎杰留在課室裡聊天。她分明見到他的桌子，或是書本筆袋之類的物件都十分乾淨，因此更篤信那是流言。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt3I1PcHbTY
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM8dLNxpTFB
直至他的桌子上真的出現許多污垢。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw52BA80nIQ
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLD1IB8fN6Z
椅子也是。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5lwd2A2FmX
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAeRFoU9aCd
他的同桌、後座的桌子上也有疑似鼻屎的東西。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ6VDrEgwMu
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5IdQ9V8MHI
總之，圍繞他身邊的位置都黏附了一些黑黑灰灰、黃黃啡啡的泥膠狀污垢。最後就連林蓁的椅背也開始沾上。誰都說是鼻屎杰弄到如此。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡql0frX6C0R
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx7f7kUAxpV
班上形成了一股排擠的氣氛——說得太好聽了，只是當全部人也討厭一個人時，便是那獨一個人的問題。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP1nV6z4Ytm
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0127Gwj9Yk
倒是沒有粗魯暴力的手段，546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUALNVYtl1T
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy1Fj8qUvHb
常識專題研習分組時，一小個圈一小個圈都形成了組別，全班也嘻嘻哈哈，找朋友繼續傾八卦。當時林蓁已與好友組一人，還欠一人，好友說：「聽候老師發落。」546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMsBOk3bIqr
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh8MADFqIuP
她應允，卻希望與鼻屎杰一組，反正見他按兵不動，一直坐在座位，應是未有組。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyPM9clDgey
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM5gcPnpi68
結果全班都分好組，只剩鼻屎杰和另外一人沒有。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGzmKdZB5Qr
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡds872m0Wwx
老師問：「有無人想同XX杰一組？」546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb93SbDspWY
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9cGyp8T1vj
全班沉默。林蓁說：「我哋可以。」546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzuEgsjdZdK
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7MZpLP7ovG
「咩我哋？我唔要同鼻屎杰一組！」546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡocO8l5Ie5f
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBnUu1tkqYC
這花名還是首次大大聲地被揚了出來，以往不過是背後竊竊私語。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkhC92DUrsR
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPlgQC9AeQl
「我哋仲差一個人。」林蓁只懂回應。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ30U1ML53Fc
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ9DE7z7ck7
「我想同XXX（另一個同學）一組。」546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRnE7g09BdY
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBJG1wlT9kT
「OK，咁有無人想同XX杰一組？」老師問。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtwzmI5tIti
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ53KnJm0aZE
老師當然聽見同學們不喜歡鼻屎杰，但她也不想插手，若是理會同學之間的糾紛，實在麻煩，人與人之間本就有很多互看不順的時候，又難分對錯，插手亦無結果。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ARoarXN2D
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡodnC31UgZ1
全班又沉默，沒有人願意和鼻屎杰一組。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEQFgkZ8rQr
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz2va4FrfbC
全班沉默了好久，林蓁再次舉手：「我可以同佢一組。」546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhbXxAJVYa1
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtAjfJqk9IH
「唔得。」遭到組員反對。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPybkGuEyYc
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡketR6DrwIL
她也很想堅持，但上秒再要求一遍，已耗盡她的勇氣。她和鼻屎杰不算很親的朋友，至少不比組員熟悉。全班都莫名地討厭鼻屎杰，她似乎沒有堅持的理由——是不是要為了他，為別人歸到「不受歡迎」那一群？546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡopOMI0MASj
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm803oEzNP9
最後她不再作聲。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRyWr8Q08Sp
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUBXXhAgNJh
心裡一直覺得做錯了事，對於無緣無故的與人紛擾，她無所適從，也不明白為何會有那麼多的喜歡和不喜歡，甚至化作行為上的討厭，將意向表明。由始至終，她也有點懦弱，只不過想息事寧人，似乎沒有什麼必堅持不可的原則，譬如道理。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPGUylTV9rz
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1HVlOD5NST
林蓁對上鼻屎杰的眼睛，急急低頭，心跳很快。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTJcyGVlT4u
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDJbVzWH2o0
他絲毫沒有責怪的意味，反而帶著感謝地對她笑了笑。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVDF6EdwfkZ
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡruTy42XG78
這才最讓林蓁慚愧。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsoujGfpMAz
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0OhLwQvimI
之後的日子裡，她比以往少了和鼻屎杰說話，不是因為討厭他，而是，自己好像沒有什麼理由再和他交好。她若作為朋友，首先保全自身利益，好像也不夠堅定。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9x50m6BhU
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrwNSatX48W
後來她終於為何鼻屎杰被說髒亂。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPHmY8D2tbd
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtgkXYtxbnb
只是某次班裡，B同學在炫耀最新款的遊戲機時（長大後的林蓁已忘記是什麼），鼻屎杰沒有抬眼看一下；所有人都聽他的，唯獨有個靜靜坐著的身影完全忽視自己——總是淡淡，好似他珍視的一切、可以炫耀的一切，根本毫不緊要。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKOlKunNOxr
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtLaXqXoMsI
B同學心中莫名出現一種不適，沒有由來的討厭。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjfHzDSkmIs
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAjEEA0xg5m
「你哋如果周圍講XX杰亂掟鼻屎，我就借遊戲機畀你哋玩。」546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXBr9DxB5ih
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡknp44BDe8U
「好！」有人說。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXgeB7RMlmr
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvlNtuSIF6I
「好似唔係咁好喎……」另一些人說。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiMHkXXM0PA
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRc41VNMrqr
「唔緊要，我唔借畀你都得。」B同學說。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTiyaP4yNt6
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA1af3xBSA9
「哈！咁我哋有得玩、你哋無得玩lu。」有人說。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDxCTrnPk9U
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTgTs2c6Z4x
那是一個如果沒有看大家都在看的動畫、便會插不進話題的年齡；就算過後可以繼續聊天，都因「人哋有但我無」而失落，就算聊到今天的功課和體育堂，明天有看動畫的人又圍聚一起聊新一集劇情——更甚的是，有的動畫還出了卡片遊戲或玩具，又多了共鳴。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3BhZTscIU1
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ9wRI5Yijf
「唔好。借埋畀我哋玩。」546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB0welN76eO
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuPVz9wkRwM
B同學以遊戲機為誘，令班上大部分男同學都聽他的話，說鼻屎杰將鼻屎亂扔。女同學本身跟鼻屎杰不熟，也怕污糟，因此與他更是疏遠，接過他傳過來的功課時，露出嫌棄神色。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkfdMWakk1G
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr5AYVtSUOE
起因竟僅此而已。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF11PzHDcPu
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdbhqcDyyLo
——後來，她終於知道他被排擠是B同學搞出來的鬼，更是沒有立場說什麼。因為，她也知道，除了什麼玩具、遊戲機，其實B同學當時還喜歡她，他對別人都粗聲粗氣，唯獨對著她時陰聲細氣，還會聊些不著邊際的話題。她和鼻屎杰坐得近，也會借故說話，投緣地笑。這些那些，也許都構成B同學帶頭排擠鼻屎杰的理由。她不肯定，但如此相信。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuzPe9E0SjT
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTIoGrBEmbF
歸咎自身之後，又想起那時她沒有更大膽地說一聲：546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmSWaK4bew1
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvAftJmUzcG
「我要同佢一組！」表明立場，便更愧疚。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqFo8ya1Kyf
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwIX65s6kD8
鼻屎杰的無妄之災，實在無辜，她這罪魁禍首卻只是做作地自我對話，愧疚一下。若是解釋，更覺無謂，難道說：546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuwALZtMWkA
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmsBOuJmyVq
「你畀人排擠係因為B同學唔鍾意你，同埋，佢鍾意我。」546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR5Tp79qvHP
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRjuIkJD5Qu
何必。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCI7AmtdbMs
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTrqCva8IEi
很快便調位，二人再沒說過話，畢業後更難聯絡。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrtxo382zBz
546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ56BF4kIa1M
只是有時，林蓁睡不著的時候，會想起這件事。546Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoaDo6IfufU
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