其實她沒有忘記那些老師的臉,只是沒有太深刻,可能因為她由此至終都是沉悶的學生。108Please respect copyright.PENANArTC9d0Gfgh
108Please respect copyright.PENANAJGpYaVqRMf
小學,那樣久遠,卻有很多回憶湧現——108Please respect copyright.PENANAaptNm97NoL
108Please respect copyright.PENANAPrP54TdoS8
家裡窮,那些要錢才能學的才藝,她通通無份。108Please respect copyright.PENANAb4G0YqAuoN
108Please respect copyright.PENANAUjbxlMGHCX
她總是很羨慕人多才多藝——不是妒忌,而是羨慕,那些在學業以外的興趣太吸引,身邊能把它們玩得好的人,在她眼中都在閃閃發亮。尤其是,一項才藝往往有道具的配合,譬如舞衣、小提琴、畫具、跆拳道服,很帥氣。108Please respect copyright.PENANAgoZWIUEmyQ
108Please respect copyright.PENANAMMso3YnHtX
因此,在發現學校有許多校隊招攬時,便盡量表現,希望可以試多點。高小時期,她是舞蹈隊、廣播劇隊、繪畫隊、笛隊的成員,用來配合學校訓練,出去參加比賽。108Please respect copyright.PENANAAlMTDPfQmi
108Please respect copyright.PENANAxuCLE4oMwK
那些比賽的日子總是很近,臨近呈分試,她依然不想落下任何一個活動,只要可以,就趕上訓練。三點放學,先去必要人齊的廣播劇,四點半到舞蹈隊拉筋,然後被老師罵:108Please respect copyright.PENANA9Us412H3Ec
108Please respect copyright.PENANAaFSQyfhYdC
「有好多嘢做又點?遲到就係心散。」108Please respect copyright.PENANAVfnuNBrXTD
108Please respect copyright.PENANAjke47O6CzV
想來可笑,現在她已不能柔軟地「拍蝴蝶」,但是,老師罵她後,她便無時無刻念記舞步的記憶,還在。108Please respect copyright.PENANAlYBtVAhApf
108Please respect copyright.PENANAw1Vf2fz7V7
七點放學,天空只有一片黑。108Please respect copyright.PENANAhs4sLMFeGH
108Please respect copyright.PENANADNDnY9A7qH
廣播劇和跳舞都很好玩,一班人,一同為一個故事演出,練到有肌肉記憶,聽到背景音樂便入狀態,實在難忘。108Please respect copyright.PENANA0uBn42KUXx
108Please respect copyright.PENANAWQS1BaKgAv
令林蓁覺得辛苦的是,笛及繪畫。108Please respect copyright.PENANAclhHQY2gsF
108Please respect copyright.PENANAyf9zYJHQFz
吹笛要天份——即使是兒時人人都玩的牧童笛。音樂考試後,林蓁便被選去笛隊,她還沾沾自喜——一級的笛隊只得三人,那樣難得。108Please respect copyright.PENANAS2M3NYEMoF
108Please respect copyright.PENANAOMTCWgb1Ns
可是,她很快發現,人與人之間確實存在差距,並非輕易填滿。和她一起參賽的另外兩位同學,都懂得運氣,吹出來的音色更加圓渾,而她只憑肺部吐出氣息,聽來薄弱。108Please respect copyright.PENANAm2fWY5Ad0X
108Please respect copyright.PENANA9yxzuVHmWV
最初,她還以為自己可以憑努力練習,拉近與同學的差距,但原來不能。無論她怎樣嘗試以丹田運氣,表現與原先所差無幾。單從結果上看,就像她沒有練習過。108Please respect copyright.PENANANR2AfhQFl5
108Please respect copyright.PENANA57RLeQIDYJ
她感到無力。108Please respect copyright.PENANAH3E92Icyku
108Please respect copyright.PENANArL3oZO9wHS
繪畫也是。由於校內視覺藝術科的成績不錯,便被老師挑選到繪畫隊。108Please respect copyright.PENANA53UagjK3OA
108Please respect copyright.PENANAYPdDDFT29y
她生平第一次意識到——也是往後如此認知——自己一點美術天份也沒有,沒有創意、沒有美感觸覺,沒有對顏色及佈局的概念,總之,每幅畫都是極吃力地畫出來,若是不滿意,便砍掉重練,不斷畫、不斷比較,108Please respect copyright.PENANAHf02JPH2Qn
108Please respect copyright.PENANAzKk9q7iO1j
最後都被同學嘲笑:「你憑咩同我哋一齊入嚟啊?」她本人也不知。108Please respect copyright.PENANAxusyial4bH
108Please respect copyright.PENANAnQ9mtD4fXf
結果,牧童笛考試及視藝科成績再好,用處只能是:讓她認清自身美術的平庸。108Please respect copyright.PENANATgUNRI5U5m
108Please respect copyright.PENANAagi1GBKOS0
從此,她沒有再接觸過音樂及美術。108Please respect copyright.PENANAD48faswQuT
108Please respect copyright.PENANAR1Jq50g1PT
至於舞蹈及廣播劇,升讀中學後,她便也沒有再碰。108Please respect copyright.PENANAm2u72cKpzA
108Please respect copyright.PENANAaUI4DLa2Mi
校內沒有廣播劇,而她在中一已留意學校舞蹈學會,發現成員們全是專業學過跳舞的,中國舞現代舞爵士舞芭蕾舞等等等等,有獎項有證書。沒有人比較,或許學會亦不理會舞蹈根基、不介意她其實連一字馬這基本功也做不好,但她早早自慚形穢,走得遠遠。108Please respect copyright.PENANAmuNTdyheNw
108Please respect copyright.PENANAjf3EgBqztq
哇,原來十年前的事彷如昨日。108Please respect copyright.PENANAIqjyZ18TS0
108Please respect copyright.PENANAi3cWSJspEL
//108Please respect copyright.PENANA145en3qUGF
108Please respect copyright.PENANAUBSNA2iMRH
看見課室與舊時沒有什麼分別,便教林蓁想起一個同學,花名叫「鼻屎杰」——她竟已忘記他的本名。108Please respect copyright.PENANA8ku53Q9xvF
108Please respect copyright.PENANAFOJZPcYV9K
鼻屎杰皮膚很白,像沒有血色,眉毛淡淡,眼睛小小,嘴巴紅紅,說話時,口水總在拉絲,牙齒上有許多泡泡。108Please respect copyright.PENANAGlwKByJALp
108Please respect copyright.PENANAs1z4I9by5I
在小學時期,大家都異常興奮(相比中學、大學),控制不住吵鬧、調皮,唯獨是鼻屎杰,沉默寡言,只愛看書,有時是《丁丁歷險記》,有時是直排密密麻麻的小說,有時是圖文並茂的大自然詭秘探索系列。林蓁坐他斜前方,她總是好奇他在看什麼,但又與他不熟,便只是盯著書封,一語不發。108Please respect copyright.PENANAUKwkE6Fzx6
108Please respect copyright.PENANAfYmgyDhqxc
他便將櫃桶的另一本書拿出來,遞給她。108Please respect copyright.PENANASz5WiqEvna
108Please respect copyright.PENANAolJcsISNkV
二人不算好友,畢竟沒有什麼話聊,但她總感覺和他是投契的朋友。當時她不喜歡聒噪的男生,覺得好幼稚——拿著一張只考57分的試卷還興奮地跑來跑去,再踢另一個男同學。文靜的男生是少數,她知道鼻屎杰就是獨特的一群。108Please respect copyright.PENANAlXLqQzMu0i
108Please respect copyright.PENANAXl9KKkeCEM
直至他被人說污糟邋遢。108Please respect copyright.PENANAJdXr8pfANw
108Please respect copyright.PENANAoK56Gsdo8w
譬如,到處撩鼻屎再將其黏到桌子、椅子上,去廁所周圍噴,常沾到褲腳,不洗頭不洗澡,身上有異味。108Please respect copyright.PENANAnI50zxjFFv
108Please respect copyright.PENANAZWnlE2gCZK
他從此起被稱為「鼻屎杰」,這花名竟被她記到廿一歲,甚至覆蓋原先記憶。108Please respect copyright.PENANA8A6PtlOJlP
108Please respect copyright.PENANA39DhHuhH0b
林蓁聽見這些話,只有不解。108Please respect copyright.PENANAHn5UM59kp0
108Please respect copyright.PENANAkVhDUpSbrq
「佢無啊?你哋覺得佢污糟咩?揭開啲書都好乾淨。」108Please respect copyright.PENANAWSb1yYo8W3
108Please respect copyright.PENANAw4xyRrwDhJ
「你睇吓佢個樣,成日好多口水泡泡,就算係咁撩鼻屎都唔出奇。」108Please respect copyright.PENANAMVZJ5uEU5a
108Please respect copyright.PENANAi9YHFr7SMe
「但佢無喎……張枱好乾淨。」108Please respect copyright.PENANAR6gGBYaAsl
108Please respect copyright.PENANAUQ9uUZDeYK
當時林蓁不理會別人怎想,依然會在小息時,跟鼻屎杰留在課室裡聊天。她分明見到他的桌子,或是書本筆袋之類的物件都十分乾淨,因此更篤信那是流言。108Please respect copyright.PENANAMUFmRwLu1g
108Please respect copyright.PENANAEHZPF1p0XR
直至他的桌子上真的出現許多污垢。108Please respect copyright.PENANAMHJNp5jXbO
108Please respect copyright.PENANAuMaqVA88yG
椅子也是。108Please respect copyright.PENANAqb525F2pTL
108Please respect copyright.PENANAg14VNm3Smt
他的同桌、後座的桌子上也有疑似鼻屎的東西。108Please respect copyright.PENANA1vvmf0FH70
108Please respect copyright.PENANAUtMUHJklA1
總之,圍繞他身邊的位置都黏附了一些黑黑灰灰、黃黃啡啡的泥膠狀污垢。最後就連林蓁的椅背也開始沾上。誰都說是鼻屎杰弄到如此。108Please respect copyright.PENANAUb5IxZS5QA
108Please respect copyright.PENANAceKFQBNlj2
班上形成了一股排擠的氣氛——說得太好聽了,只是當全部人也討厭一個人時,便是那獨一個人的問題。108Please respect copyright.PENANAwUFz1nndFc
108Please respect copyright.PENANAFyDlXqAouP
倒是沒有粗魯暴力的手段,108Please respect copyright.PENANAwEDMowrwlc
108Please respect copyright.PENANAs8ovfJDlG3
常識專題研習分組時,一小個圈一小個圈都形成了組別,全班也嘻嘻哈哈,找朋友繼續傾八卦。當時林蓁已與好友組一人,還欠一人,好友說:「聽候老師發落。」108Please respect copyright.PENANAuatKheGoZ7
108Please respect copyright.PENANAWz2mMSZfLm
她應允,卻希望與鼻屎杰一組,反正見他按兵不動,一直坐在座位,應是未有組。108Please respect copyright.PENANAoaKLTITyMy
108Please respect copyright.PENANA4DR5flyKP3
結果全班都分好組,只剩鼻屎杰和另外一人沒有。108Please respect copyright.PENANAs898by72TA
108Please respect copyright.PENANAP3Y2WAzJF1
老師問:「有無人想同XX杰一組?」108Please respect copyright.PENANA7P6RyseHpr
108Please respect copyright.PENANAlCXrhTgQzg
全班沉默。林蓁說:「我哋可以。」108Please respect copyright.PENANAsrRk1ZiyUg
108Please respect copyright.PENANARibE7y8ow7
「咩我哋?我唔要同鼻屎杰一組!」108Please respect copyright.PENANA5ehECzMpo7
108Please respect copyright.PENANAFEfiptOMQx
這花名還是首次大大聲地被揚了出來,以往不過是背後竊竊私語。108Please respect copyright.PENANAxFYYAJgGfm
108Please respect copyright.PENANAQvtMq0ZV7B
「我哋仲差一個人。」林蓁只懂回應。108Please respect copyright.PENANAUXQeYsleNt
108Please respect copyright.PENANA3bMNxlWoXt
「我想同XXX(另一個同學)一組。」108Please respect copyright.PENANAR2TVKoG3hM
108Please respect copyright.PENANATQX68pAkoN
「OK,咁有無人想同XX杰一組?」老師問。108Please respect copyright.PENANA0kBJxGZGsW
108Please respect copyright.PENANAK5iRwJcQoR
老師當然聽見同學們不喜歡鼻屎杰,但她也不想插手,若是理會同學之間的糾紛,實在麻煩,人與人之間本就有很多互看不順的時候,又難分對錯,插手亦無結果。108Please respect copyright.PENANATSjoHciwzS
108Please respect copyright.PENANAGr9tPf6aid
全班又沉默,沒有人願意和鼻屎杰一組。108Please respect copyright.PENANArtjPaLGhtk
108Please respect copyright.PENANASODfjTPY35
全班沉默了好久,林蓁再次舉手:「我可以同佢一組。」108Please respect copyright.PENANAJwdjoKKWFS
108Please respect copyright.PENANAy9BuTn8btw
「唔得。」遭到組員反對。108Please respect copyright.PENANAf2FFR4DisS
108Please respect copyright.PENANAiF0gSl0dtY
她也很想堅持,但上秒再要求一遍,已耗盡她的勇氣。她和鼻屎杰不算很親的朋友,至少不比組員熟悉。全班都莫名地討厭鼻屎杰,她似乎沒有堅持的理由——是不是要為了他,為別人歸到「不受歡迎」那一群?108Please respect copyright.PENANA5Jir4TkBK4
108Please respect copyright.PENANAZUtxkopQ7G
最後她不再作聲。108Please respect copyright.PENANAqew21t0tYY
108Please respect copyright.PENANAqv5fVBaYu2
心裡一直覺得做錯了事,對於無緣無故的與人紛擾,她無所適從,也不明白為何會有那麼多的喜歡和不喜歡,甚至化作行為上的討厭,將意向表明。由始至終,她也有點懦弱,只不過想息事寧人,似乎沒有什麼必堅持不可的原則,譬如道理。108Please respect copyright.PENANATc3BtCBQFY
108Please respect copyright.PENANAZAwljBnYj6
林蓁對上鼻屎杰的眼睛,急急低頭,心跳很快。108Please respect copyright.PENANANLieCIXaa1
108Please respect copyright.PENANAY8W8lQXtjL
他絲毫沒有責怪的意味,反而帶著感謝地對她笑了笑。108Please respect copyright.PENANAi3eeuwyHCF
108Please respect copyright.PENANAuRhHWNU8xg
這才最讓林蓁慚愧。108Please respect copyright.PENANAiMzC3vEP83
108Please respect copyright.PENANAHNLX25Of4v
之後的日子裡,她比以往少了和鼻屎杰說話,不是因為討厭他,而是,自己好像沒有什麼理由再和他交好。她若作為朋友,首先保全自身利益,好像也不夠堅定。108Please respect copyright.PENANAdWocAQgRgW
108Please respect copyright.PENANAgISZn39fpa
後來她終於為何鼻屎杰被說髒亂。108Please respect copyright.PENANAuDHltNRQzH
108Please respect copyright.PENANA7S2DRDJixp
只是某次班裡,B同學在炫耀最新款的遊戲機時(長大後的林蓁已忘記是什麼),鼻屎杰沒有抬眼看一下;所有人都聽他的,唯獨有個靜靜坐著的身影完全忽視自己——總是淡淡,好似他珍視的一切、可以炫耀的一切,根本毫不緊要。108Please respect copyright.PENANA8IyEQy9yy3
108Please respect copyright.PENANAib19p0920v
B同學心中莫名出現一種不適,沒有由來的討厭。108Please respect copyright.PENANAh6QEw0c507
108Please respect copyright.PENANAmHH6i860Cj
「你哋如果周圍講XX杰亂掟鼻屎,我就借遊戲機畀你哋玩。」108Please respect copyright.PENANAdCnsnQeJVv
108Please respect copyright.PENANAmKbUoLSO54
「好!」有人說。108Please respect copyright.PENANAGK5xvJiDYZ
108Please respect copyright.PENANAm43B3rJFo8
「好似唔係咁好喎……」另一些人說。108Please respect copyright.PENANAXM1urSyw0W
108Please respect copyright.PENANAwmzA1hNaJn
「唔緊要,我唔借畀你都得。」B同學說。108Please respect copyright.PENANAJ5HKSdhLqR
108Please respect copyright.PENANABf9s9kcd9c
「哈!咁我哋有得玩、你哋無得玩lu。」有人說。108Please respect copyright.PENANAoKzDYcBqDQ
108Please respect copyright.PENANAfZvCcH3hRE
那是一個如果沒有看大家都在看的動畫、便會插不進話題的年齡;就算過後可以繼續聊天,都因「人哋有但我無」而失落,就算聊到今天的功課和體育堂,明天有看動畫的人又圍聚一起聊新一集劇情——更甚的是,有的動畫還出了卡片遊戲或玩具,又多了共鳴。108Please respect copyright.PENANA84OyR39mqk
108Please respect copyright.PENANAJFTXtQPB57
「唔好。借埋畀我哋玩。」108Please respect copyright.PENANAv7ykex7JDO
108Please respect copyright.PENANA2KcKglBie8
B同學以遊戲機為誘,令班上大部分男同學都聽他的話,說鼻屎杰將鼻屎亂扔。女同學本身跟鼻屎杰不熟,也怕污糟,因此與他更是疏遠,接過他傳過來的功課時,露出嫌棄神色。108Please respect copyright.PENANAiRwlPyn1eC
108Please respect copyright.PENANAIuUO6twHyU
起因竟僅此而已。108Please respect copyright.PENANAMOsNxLOfEB
108Please respect copyright.PENANAMSlyYMaFLN
——後來,她終於知道他被排擠是B同學搞出來的鬼,更是沒有立場說什麼。因為,她也知道,除了什麼玩具、遊戲機,其實B同學當時還喜歡她,他對別人都粗聲粗氣,唯獨對著她時陰聲細氣,還會聊些不著邊際的話題。她和鼻屎杰坐得近,也會借故說話,投緣地笑。這些那些,也許都構成B同學帶頭排擠鼻屎杰的理由。她不肯定,但如此相信。108Please respect copyright.PENANAdxEXbmKa3S
108Please respect copyright.PENANAQ73qvEKmG7
歸咎自身之後,又想起那時她沒有更大膽地說一聲:108Please respect copyright.PENANALO8tvryPQF
108Please respect copyright.PENANASrzL6RQLrS
「我要同佢一組!」表明立場,便更愧疚。108Please respect copyright.PENANAzCcKYlJIIw
108Please respect copyright.PENANAPCahkCwpdD
鼻屎杰的無妄之災,實在無辜,她這罪魁禍首卻只是做作地自我對話,愧疚一下。若是解釋,更覺無謂,難道說:108Please respect copyright.PENANAhGwvBdmzEJ
108Please respect copyright.PENANAwIFclY4U96
「你畀人排擠係因為B同學唔鍾意你,同埋,佢鍾意我。」108Please respect copyright.PENANAmBtZ2zySXO
108Please respect copyright.PENANApYu2OTbLQg
何必。108Please respect copyright.PENANAa6LaWVU4pg
108Please respect copyright.PENANAxQRmp9Jf0U
很快便調位,二人再沒說過話,畢業後更難聯絡。108Please respect copyright.PENANAiaIQiaJ83I
108Please respect copyright.PENANAlOASXZrwzS
只是有時,林蓁睡不著的時候,會想起這件事。108Please respect copyright.PENANAqTKdciZvcv