後來,林蓁回想舊事,喜歡Y先生時,其實已是中四。記憶再模糊,感受亦是真。123Please respect copyright.PENANAnWxF7hhVTt
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她之所以傷心,除了因為他不喜歡自己,還因為那個熱心助人的同學,竟然用「豬閪」這種字詞形容人。123Please respect copyright.PENANAkqlnyFjoDn
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自此之後,她就沒有喜歡過男生。123Please respect copyright.PENANAHFIlNuQHGJ
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每次感到空虛時,林蓁也會意圖填滿自己。123Please respect copyright.PENANAFs1C71G5fL
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以食物填滿胃,以粉底液填滿毛孔,以男人的話語填滿口腔。123Please respect copyright.PENANAZ3UCfiE2oq
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她記得上次輔導員問,除了跑步,她還有沒有其他的方法,可以緩解情緒。她有更多是沒有說出口的。123Please respect copyright.PENANAESl3LNYkj8
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例如,暴食。123Please respect copyright.PENANAsgUq3P2C1i
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時時如此,只是,她後來會節食一段時間來控制身型,讓別人看不出早就經過一段飲食的變化。好吃或能提供味覺刺激的食物總是不健康的,韓國辣麵、炸雞、珍珠奶茶,唯有滿是油、糖、脂肪的「邪惡感」,才讓她覺得自己對於悲傷贖了罪。123Please respect copyright.PENANAlE6OSxecua
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如果進食不健康的食物,是對身體的懲罰,那麼她作為身體的靈魂主體,折磨自己,抵擋無法隔擋的、洶湧的悲傷。123Please respect copyright.PENANAaoBChI9f4D
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記得有一次,她留在周立沖處,聽他說很掛念A小姐。123Please respect copyright.PENANAhQYA194Jqm
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分手才兩星期,不過半個月,他若然思念,亦是正常。123Please respect copyright.PENANAsknZcCWqbb
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她無法感受自己的情緒,只是得體地應答。可是,隔了一會兒,她近乎哀求地問他:123Please respect copyright.PENANASFnftPrYtf
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「可唔可以煮個印尼撈?」123Please respect copyright.PENANAGA9oHgX7hc
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「啱啱先食完飯……生果都食埋喎,你餓?」123Please respect copyright.PENANAnZ3lxIiFUT
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「我想食嘢。」123Please respect copyright.PENANArA4ZlrDcEB
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「洗多札提子畀你?」123Please respect copyright.PENANA4ty0LB13S4
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「我要食印尼撈。」她難得強硬。123Please respect copyright.PENANAI1C1FjCUvY
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「你今日做咩事?奇奇怪怪。」他也不再多問,動身煮麵。123Please respect copyright.PENANANN9ltZLuQb
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林蓁清楚,這是她的忍耐到臨界點了。123Please respect copyright.PENANATy3p4FPYpE
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她陪在他身邊一整天,開心笑開心玩,熱鬧過後,他傾訴的是另一個女子。她只是感到,自己不知為何要存在。原先還以為自己特別大量、包容,其實不是,她啞言,佔有慾在一𣊬間將她壓垮,還傷了自尊心。123Please respect copyright.PENANAZ6nojVrgWo
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可是他明明說她很好。123Please respect copyright.PENANAqU4QU36sbK
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可是他明明說分手幾年發現只有她一人可以裝載他全部心聲。123Please respect copyright.PENANAM0y92mnrWy
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可是他明明說她很特別。123Please respect copyright.PENANAsraxFsS2XV
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陷入苦戀,心知無法繼續前進,發展出更美麗姻緣,卻捨不得離棄過往已建立的,譬如與對方的回憶,譬如自己投入過的情深意切。她那樣清楚,現時的快樂會飛散,認知若是過分清晰,實在無法浪漫。123Please respect copyright.PENANAc0f6WsIzRw
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可是在心底深處,她很想往後餘生也有他。123Please respect copyright.PENANA5L5opgs1nt
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因此她想要進食,彷彿以食物將湧動的情緒狠狠包裹。123Please respect copyright.PENANAZaSgmsK4EN
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「好食!」林蓁又嘻嘻哈哈,和周立沖歡快地聊天。123Please respect copyright.PENANAcxhFRuUlg8
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本想用滿是炸蒜的唇親吻他,她的臉被一隻大手蓋住後,他轉而主動親吻她的臉。123Please respect copyright.PENANApFWiTTWUAo
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呵,這樣的二人,竟然不是親密愛侶。123Please respect copyright.PENANAr3TZ1C45nz
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她平靜起來——雖然由她自己敍述,彷如一個隨時都會失控的精神病人——她最怕別人怕她。然而,在旁人眼中,其實她並無特別的行徑,僅僅是,無緣無故便吃很多東西(而且,多數獨自躲起來吃)。123Please respect copyright.PENANAi0bgwt4w1P
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不要怕我,其實我看起來很正常——這是她想對所有知道她情況的人說的話。123Please respect copyright.PENANAsW9XCjAULo
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「食多餐都好啦,你咁瘦。」123Please respect copyright.PENANAUo1o7m9S20
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縱然周立沖覺得莫名其妙,但也沒有追問。他只是覺得林蓁的話很少,比起三年前,雖然因嬰兒肥減退而更美麗,但是性格越來越隱晦。她以前更加有魅力。123Please respect copyright.PENANAPOZrcdlOlr
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實際上他也不在意林蓁的莫名其妙。123Please respect copyright.PENANArHKxb7zi4N
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一直以來,她的身型沒有太大浮動,包括體重、體脂、肌肉量。123Please respect copyright.PENANAmG9USHBGMT
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暴食的念頭多是突然襲來,不是因為肚餓,只是覺得「想食嘢」,於是便泡個杯麵,配搭檸檬茶,隨手拾起薯片及曲奇,又吃芋圓,直至盡興。吃完後,只有無盡愧疚——啊我竟然吃了那麼多,強烈的飽腹感將身體向下沉,更加難受。123Please respect copyright.PENANAhdhsGpgtrA
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持續幾天,忽然又想:我唔想變肥,唔想人哋留意到我有唔同。123Please respect copyright.PENANAlD1vkTB7Rn
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現代女子多少有點身材焦慮,更見於年輕一代,是否、是否。123Please respect copyright.PENANAc5xHxzyQiS
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因此,便又連續幾天吃少少,反正沒有人管她吃什麼,一個麵包頂全日、一杯綠茶飲一個下午,亦是常事。飢餓和過份飽肚的痛苦不同,但同樣是腹部位置作崇,前者似漩渦不斷將整個身體吸入,後者則圓潤而沉重地壓住身體。123Please respect copyright.PENANA6DSUL4t0Jd
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正常飲食幾天,又循環。123Please respect copyright.PENANAnPQNdue4kL
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在周立沖處留宿,其實已改善很多,畢竟二人多數吃一樣的食物,而他總叫她不要吃太少,否則沒有能量,三餐也足。123Please respect copyright.PENANAqRFx62HPrj
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最重要的是,她不想被任何人發現,自己的身心漸漸不健康起來,要以編配食物的排列緩解——她絕不接受有任何人知道。123Please respect copyright.PENANA0PYcXdttsc
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其實她漸漸認清,除了這些那些細碎的不幸,令她病的,還有自尊心。123Please respect copyright.PENANAao7RePEIBL
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握著那無人在乎的尊嚴,以孱弱身軀保護她,不想讓人知道內在殘破。123Please respect copyright.PENANAayBpxX6rAO
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不開心,怕被嫌棄。123Please respect copyright.PENANA6wsvKMMxZa
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過往被家暴,怕兒時經歷影響自身太多,才壓抑,意圖說一切早就過去。123Please respect copyright.PENANAWH8Toun0Nk
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陷入痛苦的關係,怕被質疑批判。123Please respect copyright.PENANAGtJCmQeszs
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沒有洩漏出去的聲音,在她心頭響鬧得很,變成鋒利的刀刃,刮在脆弱的皮膚上,鮮血直流,淹沒她。123Please respect copyright.PENANA7H9yuwC7NT