然後,她去替人補習,如常地,五點半到達學生的家。學生是一對姊妹,輪流上課,每人一小時。七點半,她便離開,回家煮個公仔面食。114Please respect copyright.PENANAoZm6epSaEk
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這一年來,林蓁偶然回家睡覺,偶然在外過夜。要說「偶然」,好像並不準確,最近她與周立沖交好,時時留在他宿舍,但有時,她也天天回家,畢竟宿舍不是她的家。114Please respect copyright.PENANAPEfJmXfs7i
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一家五口,她是二妹,也是二家姐,大家姐一早移居國外,弟弟則到外國讀書,家中只得她一個。以前,她忘記過自己有家姐,這幾年,快要連有弟弟也忘記。114Please respect copyright.PENANAD75dXeMF4r
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進門,燈火通明,林父在客廳看電視,背靠輪椅。114Please respect copyright.PENANA5CzfvqFdUP
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「林蓁,攞紙巾過嚟。」114Please respect copyright.PENANAJIqOFnUUQL
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他與那個口中怒吼「你跟我姓㗎!食我嘅住我嘅,我打死你都冇人知!」的父親形象已大大不同,經歷中風,身體羸弱的他一改舊日暴戾,平靜地如一般退休老人。現在,他需要倚靠女兒的照顧。114Please respect copyright.PENANA9kRX4Nfm6a
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因此,像什麼事都沒有發生過一樣,與女兒「正常共對」。哪怕流露出一點點愧疚,林蓁也會好過一些。114Please respect copyright.PENANAGrWhC3MMMz
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她沒有刻意回憶舊事,但還是記得過往——114Please respect copyright.PENANAb5bSlCKe8i
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林父最初,只會打大家姐。大家姐長得高,人又聰明,時時駁嘴。114Please respect copyright.PENANAdSffSRn15z
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他心情不好便會打她。114Please respect copyright.PENANAwta67eVG8U
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大家姐多數不吭一聲,直直地瞪著父親,眼睛通紅。父親最討厭她這模樣,知道她現在不說話不求饒,為著平時他說些什麼時冷靜地反駁,他抄起飯桌上的鏡子,往她的膞頭骨打下去。114Please respect copyright.PENANAQKgAUyvpHt
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一下一下打下去。114Please respect copyright.PENANABMIuYXpSrN
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「你唔聽話吖嘛?答我呀!我生你養你打死你都無問題呀!」114Please respect copyright.PENANAfxNQrgTcIH
114Please respect copyright.PENANAqsq3qqfagP
「我無唔聽話呀!」114Please respect copyright.PENANAbG8sBp1Om6
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「仲講大話!」114Please respect copyright.PENANA8iFJrWhlJU
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他捉住大家姐的頭髮,髮根吃痛,她便用腳爬到父親用力的方向,他更輕鬆地把她的頭按在地上。114Please respect copyright.PENANAi2iBdBIkfU
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打人工具不多,或是說沒有特定工具,要麼隨手拿起便敲到身上,要麼單純用手打打打㩒㩒㩒刮刮刮。他那樣即興,像一份浪漫美意。114Please respect copyright.PENANAFeim2hJYI1
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彼時林蓁和弟弟跪坐在房內,隔著一段距離,看爸爸和家姐。114Please respect copyright.PENANAYkAYH8V61B
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「你哋兩個唔好似最大嗰件咁壞!如果唔係連你哋都打。」114Please respect copyright.PENANAiR873yLQ1Z
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小小林蓁會忍不住哭出聲來。114Please respect copyright.PENANAwa7SHPSe3q
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她對父親恐懼,卻又覺得是家姐首先「曳」,所以才被父親打。她會出去,將攤在地上的家姐扶起,說:114Please respect copyright.PENANAEZ5zbJIn9l
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「你以後都唔好激嬲阿爸啦。」114Please respect copyright.PENANArhINali1K5
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家姐只是拍開林蓁的手:「縮頭烏龜,唔使你可憐。」114Please respect copyright.PENANACRzYtv6J0e
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媽媽回家,見到屋內一片死寂,也沒提什麼,只說:「開飯啦。」114Please respect copyright.PENANAmYzliSleyj
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然後,林蓁把紙巾遞給父親,他抽出,用力呻鼻涕。114Please respect copyright.PENANAEPiu3IKZuB
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她去煮辛辣麵,不再另以碗裝住,就這樣捧著鍋吃,坐在客廳,沒有和父親看一樣的電視內容,只是看電話。新聞新聞,姜濤,譚仔,SASA特價,清潔工權利,腦袋卻無法裝載更多。114Please respect copyright.PENANAeMFKhqT8ds
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快快吃完,她去洗鍋。114Please respect copyright.PENANAZMmpjAF9G2
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林蓁從不會過分霸佔一個空間,即使長期留在一個地方,如家,如周立沖的宿舍,她的物件都沒有幾多。114Please respect copyright.PENANAMOOGYyhC6L
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自小,父親便不喜歡她將玩具放出客廳,有次,她將一個小熊公仔放在沙發上,然後去廁所,出來時,便不見了小熊。114Please respect copyright.PENANAJ0mKGj21xm
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「熊仔去咗邊?」114Please respect copyright.PENANAxUVyxdt179
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「我抌咗。」114Please respect copyright.PENANACcnhMAXPyE
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「吓……」她小小聲,馬上到垃圾桶裡撿小熊,只見它對上有一堆橙皮、紙巾、洋蔥。倒是沒有哭,只不斷地用水沖涮小熊,又嗅了嗅,酸臭味仍然不走,加梘液,起泡刷。114Please respect copyright.PENANAzcZs8GdQ2a
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當時她已很怕父親,便不敢說什麼,只環抱小熊,在他面前行過,證明她對小熊不離不棄。從此,她不再將自己的東西,放在「不屬於自己」的地方,譬如客廳、廚房。114Please respect copyright.PENANA73CJ8xPofd
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她在家霸佔的位置也越來越小,開始覺得多餘。114Please respect copyright.PENANAFbJgIWUY2W
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此刻,斟了一杯水後,林蓁在父親面前吃藥,他的眼神依然死死盯著電視螢幕。她根本不必避諱。她是幸運的。在避談精神病的城裡,她的親人要麼離開了,要麼對她不管不顧,誰管她的死活呢。一個人的能量有限,她不必花心神在隱藏自己的狀態之上。114Please respect copyright.PENANAaUlp7NHrUd
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和她一屋簷下的血親,甚至不知道她幾歲、唸什麼、將來會返咩工。114Please respect copyright.PENANAImImTyG9LD
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二人不會說話——反正她不會牽起話頭。114Please respect copyright.PENANA8AU7g3Dg92
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和他,不知有什麼好講。每個家庭,也是如此麼——恐怕不是,畢竟她羨慕過別人家的融洽和睦。閉上屋門,死氣沉沉,只得腳步聲來來回回拖拉。對於她現在的一切,除了煞有介事地和輔導員講之外,就沒有辦法與人道,慢慢,她的語言能力也枯萎,必要說的事以外,連組織也困難。114Please respect copyright.PENANA9Ovk8kd8hL
114Please respect copyright.PENANARn8rtPHVZz
有時,她會怨恨全屋人都走光,家姐一早撇下她,母親死了,細佬又走,得她一個留在家。114Please respect copyright.PENANAFVpN46t7wC
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家姐離開後,父親便找林蓁出氣,依然是拳打腳踢。114Please respect copyright.PENANAQIHChsjttS
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但,她從來沒有「激嬲」父親。114Please respect copyright.PENANA7Epy6xBOZr
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那時,小小林蓁和家姐陷入一種莫名其妙的冷戰。114Please respect copyright.PENANAg2YRVSvch4
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二人沒有吵架,只是,當林蓁叫家姐不要再惹父親生氣、又故作乖巧地斟水給他喝消消氣後,家姐每次見她,便沒有好臉色。114Please respect copyright.PENANAyzDGOc0qRW
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作為二女兒,家庭的中間位置,平凡、不突出、不顯眼;林蓁擁有「希望所有人都喜歡自己」的渴望,否則,誰會關心她呢。家姐更聰明堅強,而弟弟是家中唯一男兒。114Please respect copyright.PENANA5Un0L7ozPq
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林蓁總是溫溫和和,不吵不鬧,她一早發現自己不是可以雲淡風輕的天之驕子,也沒有勇氣離經叛道做野孩子,要得到歡心和關注,只能做好自身,微笑對人,得體應答,天真可愛,人蓄無害——她有這樣的天賦。114Please respect copyright.PENANAKu93t8bMgB
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她自覺喜歡充當人與人之間的潤滑劑,或者說是,討厭別人對立,每次如此,她不知道應該支持哪方。而且,別人若是熱鬧,又有誰看見只瑟縮的她呢。114Please respect copyright.PENANAYAAhGVWbUt
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所以,每次家姐被父親打,林蓁也會看看家姐,問她痛不痛。114Please respect copyright.PENANAbSW1lWEsTz
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「你匿埋都唔緊要,你同細佬仲細,都無辦法攔到阿爸。但點解要叫我唔好激佢?」家姐說。114Please respect copyright.PENANA6JspzVZvvr
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「我驚你畀佢打得更加犀利。」林蓁說。114Please respect copyright.PENANAsftTLRBhGM
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「唔係我令到佢打我㗎!係佢自己發神經㗎!」114Please respect copyright.PENANATTpZUZvm7I
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「咁佢打緊你嗰陣時,向佢求饒,等佢快啲打完啦……」114Please respect copyright.PENANANUeQZNfkq0
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「佢又打唔死我,為咗嗰少少快啲打完,求佢?你係我個妹,咁無骨氣?」114Please respect copyright.PENANAr2fjfexP8c
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林蓁不知為何,竟然哭了起來。114Please respect copyright.PENANASH7RaUQ2Yx
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「你仲喊!又唔係你畀人打!你仲要斟水畀阿爸!喊喊喊,你喊咩呀?」114Please respect copyright.PENANAWII7jjXPUX
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姊妹二人,一連幾日沒有說過話。起初,林蓁還厚著面皮,將自己早餐的面包及腸仔分給家姐(父親罰家姐不準食飯),但被拒絕。後來,林蓁也生氣起來,心想你不理我我也不理你,便不再主動和家姐搭話。二人其實一直也留意對方,回頭時會對視,但只有一秒,都急急移開目光。114Please respect copyright.PENANAhmr2qQbXnM
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直至父親又打家姐。114Please respect copyright.PENANAtijL25fuxM
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原因並不特別,就是家姐食飯食得慢,父親生氣,便打她。114Please respect copyright.PENANAjDyXER930R
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家姐依然沒有說話,雖然流淚但沒有出聲。林蓁依然擁著弟弟瑟縮一角,只是,下一秒,她又想到,家姐生氣可能是因為以前她沒有出來維護家人,於是,她便鼓起勇氣,衝出來:114Please respect copyright.PENANAlJfhFfZcOm
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「阿爸唔好再打啦!家姐知錯啦!」114Please respect copyright.PENANApGdmaTrb7k
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「佢知錯?咁佢唔講?」114Please respect copyright.PENANAR5pyTM9zjS
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「家姐真係知錯!」林蓁情不自禁地流淚起來:「你望吓!家姐喊!全面都係眼淚,佢只係唔好意思講咋嘛!」114Please respect copyright.PENANAt5GvvdZRZe
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「喊代表知錯咩?佢唔知有悔意喎!」114Please respect copyright.PENANAh8XXUYUg2W
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「真㗎真㗎!」林蓁撒謊:「上次你話完佢,佢話你講得啱㗎!」114Please respect copyright.PENANAAMqKw5LsQL
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「我無!」家姐搖頭。114Please respect copyright.PENANAR1pI5mBkvx
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「你唔好口硬啦,已經好多傷啦!」114Please respect copyright.PENANAht36o5Xj45
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「既然你哋咁講,今日就算,以後再駁嘴就打。」114Please respect copyright.PENANArETz72PzxC
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「多謝阿爸。」114Please respect copyright.PENANA8qxhEheygy
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家姐推了林蓁落地。114Please respect copyright.PENANAzZw69GIQUk
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「你做咩要咁講啊?做咪屈我啊?」114Please respect copyright.PENANAbgQ07dertT
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「我唔想阿爸再打你咋。」114Please respect copyright.PENANAQpGEd5XC8g
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「你根本唔明,我被佢打係因為曳咩?佢想無啦啦打人咋!咁啱係我。你同佢求饒?以後佢都係會打㗎!同呢啲人講對唔住做咩?」114Please respect copyright.PENANAP8eKqA3yCi
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以往家姐怎樣被父親打,眼睛紅紅,但始終沒有哭出聲來。她在內心與己戰鬥:喊出嚟就輸。114Please respect copyright.PENANA4uubmd8Amt
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但現在,家姐越說越委屈,竟然哭了。114Please respect copyright.PENANAuMd1ccioPQ
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小小林蓁不明白,以為為家姐好。多年後,她才知道,家姐覺得林蓁擅作主張的求饒,是一種背叛。114Please respect copyright.PENANAoq6B4rb4vG
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隨即,她去洗澡,在黑暗中淋浴,覺得一切都很靜,視覺的減退一併萎縮其他感官。114Please respect copyright.PENANA9aMJVRIgFJ
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不知是否吃了藥的緣故,她比以往快入睡。114Please respect copyright.PENANAdwUbl7O606