穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ13EUD3a9R2
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ09f8ZQ8yq2
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmMjwC4gyUj
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbFUysa92cY
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyj705Jh0Kz
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd5DXWxwwyA
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDqZeZlHfbB
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm8n9ISGa4d
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpXmQqGRoJ8
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgWW4Q4QTOa
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjKfu79jpSz
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPw54M3qgcW
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9S8mTTu1hy
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGFAgn3bfXh
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3c4xCNjjqh
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4nINHfscww
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9599zoS1DU
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKcf0FPDz4i
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡniDcEGXZE6
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxstbLU8EYy
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8SRa4dl0nt
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRJ00oPKX1O
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG1orJVRcpg
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX4qDZDLFRP
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4F5ylfETwS
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXAFyEYcpXZ
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsK2K3mMW2i
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyUi2oDJpWZ
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpSBYPGmo0q
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHWgYPfSppK
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwYgzFC5qts
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxPJpsJhUqK
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbeIZZFSsOo
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKl7eL6Ye20
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyqg8ZavWM1
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9SOpwksQEG
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡchlXmRPZpf
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9xVLFiLLY8
「鍾意你。」他說。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfhqOhQCLS7
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqq2S4kirDP
「我都係。」她應。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfeT1VCo7g3
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpeCSlWffSm
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Z7Yy64P0f
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjMf5ooBgbq
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6DJfCx04pb
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJXC6MoXwQv
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ22WQ6M9SjW
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqtrGgNg5W8
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnoRUqlHhpl
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDAJcfjFPHQ
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6drXhAnP4G
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlD1ERBPVxw
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk775B8MtQr
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE7kMobrIn7
二人過後做愛、入睡。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPvZR6KYyOn
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVbl6x9FZxj
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMi6YZhp2tV
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCto5LRdrQm
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4IBDfmfZHY
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtcSjrJwpA7
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡETUo5vupXQ
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2LSBrCGAtv
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl3HEr4JcjX
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3aSAVDnWb2
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7y9gTDNMbg
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUkJqNvo6Jw
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Bgff4lPtI
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡocVvDN9SnL
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTau5j5q8NL
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ff324YcmL
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhYAIcn1xuu
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUXgSUoVMs7
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDTAdEBh1Ir
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡolGEGWeZ8v
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ69hajX6Ird
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE2bcG0M2wZ
她糊糊塗塗。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1M6JCb8FkX
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHF9wb6WIvD
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMKU4lTEQqN
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz2Iw6jQFZz
最怕空虛。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsUfW5cRUGl
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhpyKhVlRrU
/331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM7FfF3vBE0
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhPdmDqeSS0
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyVSxqteiJ5
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHeKhySpeDy
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnSdrhdGXgi
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOYPmhfL3mv
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNpr53x2l6k
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzPW9sUD1C6
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXq2xBwaR0y
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1bh53i9GKX
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYE72XDFCcU
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi7RuwVxUw0
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrpK7Q45Rxt
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ3tHyv35eZ
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNHakZapeoO
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9UsuZeG8k
她不過在日常之中夢遊。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz9XvEmufE2
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3hcyvJJtcZ
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8DA9R4DBFE
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmwkweD6hEy
「上年12月開始。」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgEZxnotfF0
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2RFJJWtqKj
「頻率係？」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf48ftSVqIS
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3AtubkE9yS
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsCb92c2N1b
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCI3uO0CQbd
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxTBwhePm9s
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGYShbDQFrS
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFtUMENBA53
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX471qMKKBA
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiDP7TOQQR7
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoKZw9J00D1
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9xSdl3ZCRo
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY9xk1Ne83P
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1C416vvCgL
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ5PAoF4aA2
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJyOC05Pa30
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnWmInLIJkH
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Hr5wB6ECC
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfJTxxgqlZh
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7RsSux8vWQ
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJdJN5OotCT
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUqr4OFXKWi
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38gU2suzKp
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH0CCcfSdWn
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1JoqH0w1Na
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcSnqvzscEo
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡghDKpXCu66
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEBz0MkWle2
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Q0nlS87nk
連傾訴都不真誠。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQMQuB30906
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMaMgbgFHkk
不開心又不去死。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD2kYe2CHw8
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwyDwIQtO9
不去死又不改變。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyHjeQqMuzt
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqMY9pdtlCt
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXkYC6KxNSm
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkGIlHLPAxm
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTfLzxwgcJg
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkFHbjg8B2Z
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWGuDiB9H2E
331Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmOAgetncyD
and then Add to home screen.