穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdj2T9ONakU
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0eew6KFA9w
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZsf1tlPWju
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnVv8gtf9A5
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr5fjUrwriJ
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsXzpylI2p5
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIsLNnAiJh7
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmN2ZmFR9Xo
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQPQbXNeEwM
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ88XT9CYNV9
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSxuyPu7QL5
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWFTt1arEpJ
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtuIbPKzCHx
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡarL8eYYGu0
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbdFXkODKhq
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3IPcPnjs3h
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaFdpovgoKZ
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWotYGCk2Zk
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnoHSUZcNc7
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUYKWZ6rjYS
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv4Vt4uauIT
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8nePS3I3o8
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvX00c77as6
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZLk6NlIaQg
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUN0Oj5xzhR
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWTMHe4UGxP
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUG1T9uUWk2
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3CEWkgGcQQ
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0R7CeR1bF9
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoJ4X9qLIOE
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsXu2GlFBSR
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTiFeTL2WyE
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtM1Bn2A086
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmV0byEteLd
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYdSdRSdXpK
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX8cA8vzIwG
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs7SRhCZKfz
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcI29RdZCGX
「鍾意你。」他說。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx4Vd4RqfgH
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPc7dmOAk7Z
「我都係。」她應。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlRMoO48flY
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJpLasd3InC
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2omlj9Zl3M
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ67XRPHqtfM
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVzLIxZh45T
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7SJR3uoZeu
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcRtGYF9Ory
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡodyT0wLvcA
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡglsRmIKDOD
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJoZXB4ivL3
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcvPReKc1PK
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG2cmSuFjOD
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡomia7dtcVC
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN0hLDUWQAq
二人過後做愛、入睡。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4VcTpP5bZy
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiOXihlNtaI
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ65YlWuFB0n
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4DMj6pNvEg
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfLZuAFTUDM
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5szHhrl7hp
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnc4whQOA3k
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsjbIVs6A7P
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKlg4fM0wxb
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ17nWjv6FA1
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeZ46SBj1FG
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvoqQ2VUx15
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdFYoLvCRFz
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ04VMk8uR95
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdQFAZePsh0
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1LYFzGkhA9
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6lLL0TCa5k
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzOIQRRiVwy
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl9wLFmkhXn
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkKQHvvh8ZI
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY9crOxg2MA
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcZ57LXynAf
她糊糊塗塗。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK90X34iW2g
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKa6zjRiJNr
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUJDg5xnX6x
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5hNvL5qSws
最怕空虛。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcuR0UYtO3S
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqYl2K0rqQR
/462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4vqj1MtRhS
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd2HgtpEK0B
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB8WdzqZXOz
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIfxjhdpjHA
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJHtsn8j254
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrKbtSVmBkx
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfnzjDDvrZe
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4E7ruQbGVV
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZpzKsZvKu6
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeVEEHzNzUU
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYUcSrU2gSF
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtkszw9JnNA
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl11BV9nnZ2
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF1mSNMVLOz
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnZjJHWemIs
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡurCvHx5xBa
她不過在日常之中夢遊。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpcavbCH8Xm
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRE6HqnNGVP
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVg4VvZYK1n
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡafLMB4SgyC
「上年12月開始。」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnOAFS2wckI
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLsSNqzJNtr
「頻率係？」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWEIhhC5kdS
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡurpzXEacgl
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYfKOdBeFAR
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ5RHzEn1iy
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR8pQKLTY8K
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvSRSbyMXBl
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsgFwBHGVtH
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn34uDINA4S
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡceuGFu3uJp
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzXjOsoWzdo
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4b7SxXifFH
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKgWzmQzBB1
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdD9a9IYi7m
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMtOPNITfUc
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzMPAEgGAAG
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQDWvCaGNP
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3YoPwMTbnq
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4si9V4e1OX
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡljUKWNdVYb
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd92kWItMty
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnJSo8fc7dN
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyBqfrK4Ldl
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDpov7skKHC
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF2N4Lladl2
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAp6mHBnjo7
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrHHIicNIw7
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡixdTv35N4f
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqzVJFmPy8f
連傾訴都不真誠。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ09hQzfwaai
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVMLvXezJ28
不開心又不去死。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1RsUO9QPYS
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Bp53wkkis
不去死又不改變。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZXpV6nMMOv
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8jgyJDsLZi
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVXktEKELzi
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhAKr8ani9
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHq3BMGiAeY
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9EpZsFiIXr
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ94gyPqcqHz
462Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNqiPzUDMrX
然後按「加至主畫面」