穿上周立沖的衣服,林蓁便一起躺在床上。149Please respect copyright.PENANABZnueIRLBK
149Please respect copyright.PENANAcO3AsC7sxf
他舉著平板電腦,二人一起看YouTube,她卻失神——149Please respect copyright.PENANA1YoNLlUpz4
149Please respect copyright.PENANAphUdTKWQrH
想起,方才輔導員重複問她:149Please respect copyright.PENANAVgnVMtXDbH
149Please respect copyright.PENANATKtr0mkOXq
「你有過自殺嘅經驗?可唔可以講吓係點㗎?」149Please respect copyright.PENANAbpBgoicFmg
149Please respect copyright.PENANA9qdtIVBXwV
原先,她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小,支支吾吾,說:149Please respect copyright.PENANAJ3RvJwhmGY
149Please respect copyright.PENANAnNDGTA0uAu
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥,嗰陣時,無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲,「好失敗啊可?」149Please respect copyright.PENANA3xnM8h7xaP
149Please respect copyright.PENANAZ92TSkxeBh
「好彩你無事,先可以嚟到呢度。」149Please respect copyright.PENANAFet3Mdo1QZ
149Please respect copyright.PENANADAK2nd6pxm
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷,在紙上抄抄寫寫;再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後,輔導員說,兩天後,可以見輔導員,如有需要就去看精神科。149Please respect copyright.PENANATXNsvJTlwF
149Please respect copyright.PENANAjJjgHaQxpy
原來對著陌生人說話,比起與認識的人坦露真心容易,原來。149Please respect copyright.PENANAT9FwYmRuGi
149Please respect copyright.PENANA0RoCIzTsVO
反正只是見幾次,不需顧及印象及形象,而且,輔導員們見得太多人,越是獨特身份才越會害怕。149Please respect copyright.PENANAdL8kKQefvU
149Please respect copyright.PENANAxpRzXJ6wzb
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順,除了需費時組織,就像談論好天氣。149Please respect copyright.PENANAPWtz5yzuih
149Please respect copyright.PENANATyGUOX1Wol
在等待確認下次見面日期時,她坐在房間外的沙發,也有學生一樣落座,和她對視,又移開目光。149Please respect copyright.PENANA5pEYUx9DMU
149Please respect copyright.PENANAKNBDVH163V
「Counsellor話你唔算好急,下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得?」149Please respect copyright.PENANAFnjWcMRSSL
149Please respect copyright.PENANAg2OLn9jXyV
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生,他點點頭,應一句好。149Please respect copyright.PENANALIglneXeH9
149Please respect copyright.PENANA6GV3pB2hkl
當下,林蓁心驚,大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢?如果一個人,不是下一秒就要死,但也是非常傷心,只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務,最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」,該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮,是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺,所以才有機會優先見輔導?149Please respect copyright.PENANAiP6hOXHZjV
149Please respect copyright.PENANAlfc9UaGbVk
可是,現在她還想活下去,其實也是「唔急」。149Please respect copyright.PENANAOZVyQBPXYy
149Please respect copyright.PENANAEeWB6O1jdN
從輔導中心出來,雨下得很大。149Please respect copyright.PENANAvKCxN0xGh9
149Please respect copyright.PENANAK2hxceaW7l
林蓁感覺,身體像要化在雨中,融成空絕,才罕有地主動致電周立沖,與他見面。然後,躲到室內,看雨落啊落。149Please respect copyright.PENANANvSxcgD45n
149Please respect copyright.PENANA31Qmp9NNzn
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後,周立沖親吻林蓁,然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓,她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。149Please respect copyright.PENANAgDZyWIO6Eq
149Please respect copyright.PENANAKDMm3kUEGv
「鍾意你。」他說。149Please respect copyright.PENANADzrI0wpc4d
149Please respect copyright.PENANA2OHtJMFlO8
「我都係。」她應。149Please respect copyright.PENANAyaYSsyBRR0
149Please respect copyright.PENANAaAbpgrkEfO
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。149Please respect copyright.PENANAyVpGGeRqWB
149Please respect copyright.PENANAgk8yqgKxUt
只有食物是安全的,吃進口裡,質感、味道,作不了假,落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實,像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中,本來怎樣空虛也好,最後還是落地,暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息,一時安心總是重要的。149Please respect copyright.PENANAwFw3g6774o
149Please respect copyright.PENANA32ENzLzrsV
「好唔好食啊?有無太鹹?」149Please respect copyright.PENANAiwvO5NqL5V
149Please respect copyright.PENANAq7qAGi4TCC
「好好食,咩都啱啱好!」149Please respect copyright.PENANA5M43ctwcLe
149Please respect copyright.PENANANORH4lYCy1
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯,之前同佢出面食,一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。149Please respect copyright.PENANAQA5G5HS7zc
149Please respect copyright.PENANAlZGSGIKurL
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。149Please respect copyright.PENANA5rEJqgos7t
149Please respect copyright.PENANATC5JKciiin
二人過後做愛、入睡。149Please respect copyright.PENANAfB4WxQFu9Z
149Please respect copyright.PENANAQdrEFoOonO
林蓁沒有告知輔導員,和周立沖現在的關係,她只是說有一個喜歡的人,但不能一起。她怕被批判。149Please respect copyright.PENANAGYMQ5YJQKH
149Please respect copyright.PENANAYLjcsLlKaM
與前度再遇,又沒有建立承諾,無名無分,但有肉體上的交纏,這是不道德的關係,也罷;最怕是被人知道,自己愛而不得,迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊,壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘,漸漸,也不知目的。149Please respect copyright.PENANA2edbRaVwc5
149Please respect copyright.PENANAq0yOlWelP6
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待,這令她想起父親。所以,每次談到現在,她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。149Please respect copyright.PENANAEsIzZUlucG
149Please respect copyright.PENANAaMHUtiq9ds
即使,她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己,還是,無法讓身邊的人知道。149Please respect copyright.PENANATwZscDfS4a
149Please respect copyright.PENANALVwZjvZ0vl
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——149Please respect copyright.PENANA19sv3HqAjo
149Please respect copyright.PENANAo5GB72KYuA
哎吔,佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。149Please respect copyright.PENANATJsyOhZqhN
149Please respect copyright.PENANAwKFJwyUqIB
哎吔,你到底想唔想要幸福?再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩?149Please respect copyright.PENANAkUnQte7kWc
149Please respect copyright.PENANAjAYBiCPEPh
哎吔,你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢?149Please respect copyright.PENANAg1aCsl2eTb
149Please respect copyright.PENANA2IhnwYBdeX
哎吔,佢個心喺人哋度,同你共對,連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。149Please respect copyright.PENANAjN3EqpgWdp
149Please respect copyright.PENANAbKBiMMqa8a
哎吔,你想要人陪,定係要佢陪?149Please respect copyright.PENANATuWRaFvQZ9
149Please respect copyright.PENANAjUMDfyBYtX
她糊糊塗塗。149Please respect copyright.PENANAtLvuf8ynaG
149Please respect copyright.PENANAaAdhA9SlkF
總之,她繼續與周立沖交纏。149Please respect copyright.PENANA5X1YmSKlgR
149Please respect copyright.PENANA0yGYU7r8T2
最怕空虛。149Please respect copyright.PENANA96cOAmNx0O
149Please respect copyright.PENANABzRqJG9wCN
/149Please respect copyright.PENANAdd0AwcxHVr
149Please respect copyright.PENANAoyFkxNjTcD
兩天後,林蓁與輔導員見面。149Please respect copyright.PENANA4es9BBePQF
149Please respect copyright.PENANAhtYp5q8Qez
輔導員頭髮長長,笑容極具感染力,整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑,像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能,或出於禮貌,林蓁變得熱情,一來就講講講,不斷敍述。149Please respect copyright.PENANA985T8aCOU7
149Please respect copyright.PENANAStg3WZZh5y
她唸心理學,也讀過輔導課程,很快便引入自己的情況,分門別類,強調自己沒有想死,日常「高功能」,生活如常。149Please respect copyright.PENANApI60tee999
149Please respect copyright.PENANAispiERY5cw
「你放鬆啲先,放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事,我哋逐樣逐樣,仔細少少咁講。」這次,輔導員沒有笑。149Please respect copyright.PENANAlKjAd8lBJJ
149Please respect copyright.PENANABaXuUck6do
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。149Please respect copyright.PENANADjo1EGX0BU
149Please respect copyright.PENANAnLUlbF1Vyi
發現自己「有啲唔對路」,是一向自詡記性甚好的她,常常忘記發生過的事,在聽別人說話時,無法專心。149Please respect copyright.PENANAtzjNGskmHI
149Please respect copyright.PENANAkxcAnCpzku
她在兼職送外賣時失神,回神發現自己竟越行越遠,凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有,令她後知後覺的害怕是,時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地,一刻清醒,完全無法辨認身在何方,沒有任何步行的記憶。最初,她還戲想,難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移?但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體,只讓她肯定:不是!不是!哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。149Please respect copyright.PENANAtoYbGAuOmI
149Please respect copyright.PENANAGMChMCGiBE
她不過在日常之中夢遊。149Please respect copyright.PENANA1gE2otAQ31
149Please respect copyright.PENANAKdLYUqEh4h
「幾時開始呢?」輔導員問。149Please respect copyright.PENANAZyEt8zDhdm
149Please respect copyright.PENANA6h4AGlHJDD
「上年12月開始。」149Please respect copyright.PENANAfYEUCnWOTH
149Please respect copyright.PENANA6NFRHSbr2A
「頻率係?」149Please respect copyright.PENANAQWWRv5VL7S
149Please respect copyright.PENANASiSD9mYgdp
「幾日一次?我都唔肯定。」149Please respect copyright.PENANAwPQwF50ff9
149Please respect copyright.PENANAulqKwMIlrm
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因?」149Please respect copyright.PENANAN4S8OF1KMH
149Please respect copyright.PENANAzeU1F5JTOj
「可以咁講,我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。149Please respect copyright.PENANA8M6hbMfkc6
149Please respect copyright.PENANABM7gB2IKxY
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度,只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了,她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處,她還是希望輔導中心理一理她,但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明,她有半年多時間「夢遊」,此前也常常覺得生活無望——149Please respect copyright.PENANAbA3kssXqOU
149Please respect copyright.PENANAyAx1tuY3WW
喂,但活來活去都未死!扮咩抑鬱啫,真係有事就快啲自殺啦。149Please respect copyright.PENANAoBnHFOBHWd
149Please respect copyright.PENANA4FPcXxRdQW
——其實你講嚟講去,都係呢啲。149Please respect copyright.PENANASSRFIdVHH4
149Please respect copyright.PENANAvoUdovpHQ5
——如果真係咁辛苦,不如試吓踏出第一步改變?149Please respect copyright.PENANAPUaZNNa8yh
149Please respect copyright.PENANAxvDjfYU0NM
恍神間,她想起舊時的自己,時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰,也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故,所以,她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人,不是陽光、樂觀、積極,正正是可以共情一些負能量,才可給予易地而處的回應。149Please respect copyright.PENANAstkKkm2Fdc
149Please respect copyright.PENANAEB8oVFUQWX
然而,可能是形象予人的印象太深刻,當她後來主動談起自己,除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心,以後,誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色,沒有那麼流通,稍一不慎便失序,亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵,接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。149Please respect copyright.PENANAvPFUlpOER4
149Please respect copyright.PENANAKzVPvgJeE2
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢?149Please respect copyright.PENANAHxEmGA3AEo
149Please respect copyright.PENANAcuItJ5SLnn
——過去嘅事,都係要睇開啲㗎啦。149Please respect copyright.PENANAvuNN2mQkNq
149Please respect copyright.PENANAgEss1cgMya
認識一個人,和他說過去、現在、未來,這些那些時空的自己,若要以言語裝載,又不知落點何在。149Please respect copyright.PENANAxyOnZRvJwb
149Please respect copyright.PENANAZJbEHsLzKu
後來她說出口,由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事,其實也是那些,然而,從聆聽角度上,也許太沒有新鮮感,因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試,怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉,多加兩朵花。譬如,在說她失去舊愛人時,則會提起「今天出門時,見到他」。149Please respect copyright.PENANAu0hCuzvXlJ
149Please respect copyright.PENANAsE8f94JKxM
連傾訴都不真誠。149Please respect copyright.PENANAtYQmIHEs88
149Please respect copyright.PENANATtoWcqTj1T
不開心又不去死。149Please respect copyright.PENANAIDrMs2Y977
149Please respect copyright.PENANALJunyGCFeU
不去死又不改變。149Please respect copyright.PENANA7trmZuYazU
149Please respect copyright.PENANAdqEsyyST4D
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通,又補充:149Please respect copyright.PENANA8qq53Ougj4
149Please respect copyright.PENANAdRvq3aPpYP
「但佢哋其實係我朋友,都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我,只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事,真係值得唔開心,或者,唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我,話自己以前都經歷過,嚴重得多,所有嘢都會過去,只要願意。只係我無辦法。」149Please respect copyright.PENANAbZFhqBAGE0
149Please respect copyright.PENANAXHAIkKwh7G
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。149Please respect copyright.PENANAGFCGS2iZ0V
149Please respect copyright.PENANAWvh9bCc0jK