穿上周立沖的衣服，林蓁便一起躺在床上。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqqDe9nlkEw
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ1aq3goMAk
他舉著平板電腦，二人一起看YouTube，她卻失神——419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtR3ke0DLiO
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDOtoPNks0Q
想起，方才輔導員重複問她：419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1iENrBQH0Z
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡypy128zUV6
「你有過自殺嘅經驗？可唔可以講吓係點㗎？」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlAS0qn404U
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡttDY5tgqBu
原先，她表現好的落落大方、標準笑容全都在這一瞬萎縮。她的聲音變得好小，支支吾吾，說：419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrdo74sPPC8
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVDtZpMtOjZ
「其實只係食咗一樽安眠藥，嗰陣時，無啦啦覺得繼續留喺度都無意思。但最後唔成功——」她乾笑幾聲，「好失敗啊可？」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGrp1m9P8dE
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZf9IxjU6qY
「好彩你無事，先可以嚟到呢度。」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVb1CIYWpP1
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH5DN13OCw8
輔導員追問林蓁對日常生活的影響、過去創傷，在紙上抄抄寫寫；再三確認林蓁現時並無自殘自殺念頭後，輔導員說，兩天後，可以見輔導員，如有需要就去看精神科。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdrFyrW2cyl
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmgcA8OynEj
原來對著陌生人說話，比起與認識的人坦露真心容易，原來。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWtBRLt62aI
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1S9iWtPaOq
反正只是見幾次，不需顧及印象及形象，而且，輔導員們見得太多人，越是獨特身份才越會害怕。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhROFO3evbe
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1VYSMZIBTS
林蓁説起家庭、愛情、友情、工作的不順，除了需費時組織，就像談論好天氣。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAcYvgFNPGM
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbKyUs6Uzpq
在等待確認下次見面日期時，她坐在房間外的沙發，也有學生一樣落座，和她對視，又移開目光。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡubmicrOMpK
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJoqIq81I0U
「Counsellor話你唔算好急，下下下星期一早上十一點得唔得？」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT0yC5WMdt3
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuLcAajnFLM
櫃台職員問林蓁旁邊的學生，他點點頭，應一句好。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfGloBjU1H9
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy35BjbGuSR
當下，林蓁心驚，大家怎樣分辨緊急或遲緩呢？如果一個人，不是下一秒就要死，但也是非常傷心，只憑意志力維持日常——終於鼓起勇氣預約服務，最後被兜口兜面說「唔係好急」，該作何感想——林蓁忽然焦慮，是否因為多提一嘴曾經自殺，所以才有機會優先見輔導？419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT4BMnNereI
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf5FzaLFAGB
可是，現在她還想活下去，其實也是「唔急」。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0zuQVtUrJK
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpnwBcn4sTn
從輔導中心出來，雨下得很大。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0B27YVtYaS
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz4yxQdNfEJ
林蓁感覺，身體像要化在雨中，融成空絕，才罕有地主動致電周立沖，與他見面。然後，躲到室內，看雨落啊落。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK68TR4NS7Y
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1dzVQJcxqA
溫溫馨馨地度過了一些似乎沒有意義的時光後，周立沖親吻林蓁，然後帶她煮飯。主要是他掌杓，她在旁邊遞遞食材、洗洗碗。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2GwhO4No61
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRK0a2dGHxv
「鍾意你。」他說。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9CuEP4xoYH
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwGgJzuljus
「我都係。」她應。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxRf4MISRUQ
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3H5tqfU03a
誰都不知當中有幾分是真。她將大部分心神放在眼前的晚餐上。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwKyVCDZ4xd
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYLSHqxcYse
只有食物是安全的，吃進口裡，質感、味道，作不了假，落入胃的飽腹感始終沉實，像一個裝滿了石頭的麻袋墮入水中，本來怎樣空虛也好，最後還是落地，暫停無止境的飄游。只要不怕窒息，一時安心總是重要的。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmmW7eTXThA
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwUUqaqrwqC
「好唔好食啊？有無太鹹？」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVidGLNdbPc
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw5xPoMda9r
「好好食，咩都啱啱好！」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2wmZCt3cmi
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvA4QFxpY60
「A小姐都好鍾意食海鮮炒飯，之前同佢出面食，一眼就揀中。」他忍不住提起前度。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡurRLH6jjQU
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpduCB1wRbJ
「你煮得有餐廳水平嘅。」她笑。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxipnuEjNea
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr2POrfCIRz
二人過後做愛、入睡。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDK8RQhFBFC
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWrYP59EPj9
林蓁沒有告知輔導員，和周立沖現在的關係，她只是說有一個喜歡的人，但不能一起。她怕被批判。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd9hFW30bwz
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMXhhoRFwiA
與前度再遇，又沒有建立承諾，無名無分，但有肉體上的交纏，這是不道德的關係，也罷；最怕是被人知道，自己愛而不得，迂迴地留在喜歡的人身邊，壓下所有嫉妒、佔有、迷惘，漸漸，也不知目的。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH5xr6XHMNN
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM3EKsatQDu
她難以忍受被人以輕蔑眼神看待，這令她想起父親。所以，每次談到現在，她也無法披露和周立沖的後續故事。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSI2aNYE1a5
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVVpvrRTdBE
即使，她會在心裡一句句「唔係好女仔」地罵自己，還是，無法讓身邊的人知道。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAsyWaH1119
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvGBIPNctjL
無論經過怎樣的情感掙扎及理性思考——419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIbnN5tWTDU
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK5TAQQmd2C
哎吔，佢真心鍾意你就唔會捨得你唔開心。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEyVJx1zuiY
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOVJkDZJhsJ
哎吔，你到底想唔想要幸福？再同佢過落去真係對未來有幫助咩？419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeIbgoTu86k
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYUWfxw6KV7
哎吔，你有無必要委屈自己屈埋咁多嘢呢？419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDOf7Bj9Gxy
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2vPcegkgxx
哎吔，佢個心喺人哋度，同你共對，連佢見到嘅係咪你都唔肯定、唔敢問。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡozI7ycLP7f
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw5JDEaJYFq
哎吔，你想要人陪，定係要佢陪？419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0JUzxKEthA
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSlI9BA5Qf8
她糊糊塗塗。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhtGhPTbovA
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKC4evgahLc
總之，她繼續與周立沖交纏。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcdAkznwI55
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhKBEfhoMlP
最怕空虛。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfXB9WGCCSz
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkCNhpLnTbu
/419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmuG5bQwa41
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfTvxht2mab
兩天後，林蓁與輔導員見面。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhAKRIo614p
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOGbIjNyyfp
輔導員頭髮長長，笑容極具感染力，整齊雪白的上排牙教人也想跟住笑，像一種熱情的邀約。或出於本能，或出於禮貌，林蓁變得熱情，一來就講講講，不斷敍述。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHhnGzUKEQ0
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqTHVuFj8l2
她唸心理學，也讀過輔導課程，很快便引入自己的情況，分門別類，強調自己沒有想死，日常「高功能」，生活如常。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGPSvT9mD5N
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW4BUiQwpBQ
「你放鬆啲先，放低腦裡面好多好多嘅事，我哋逐樣逐樣，仔細少少咁講。」這次，輔導員沒有笑。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7DIvceTrFs
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJtxMaaF8fG
「好。」林蓁也跟著嚴肅。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn0gBdKMEji
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8GqTBQowZH
發現自己「有啲唔對路」，是一向自詡記性甚好的她，常常忘記發生過的事，在聽別人說話時，無法專心。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4M5YnLGX8r
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWSvAsfsZ4G
她在兼職送外賣時失神，回神發現自己竟越行越遠，凍檸茶的冰一早融化。她不禁慶幸並無將飲料倒瀉。還有，令她後知後覺的害怕是，時時忘記為什麼來到正身處之地，一刻清醒，完全無法辨認身在何方，沒有任何步行的記憶。最初，她還戲想，難道自己有了超能力、懂得瞬間轉移？但是她突然醒來的茫然和被路人碰撞的肉體，只讓她肯定：不是！不是！哪種神奇力量會只得危害生命的後果呢。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2yQyY6xorF
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ83uf5MP3jf
她不過在日常之中夢遊。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0tNBbtjlIG
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Ghgj6bedu
「幾時開始呢？」輔導員問。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLjeDlE0fc8
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwuXxMdQMFR
「上年12月開始。」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzS74xW2e1B
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0epEy1mQ9z
「頻率係？」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkUMf1ISJwn
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbgTuVegMSw
「幾日一次？我都唔肯定。」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdwVfe4ai5O
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqcqaWcUWdY
「呢個係其中一個你嚟呢度嘅原因？」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA4vTN3ewea
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ37xCqQAHPV
「可以咁講，我唔想死住嘛。但最主要都係失眠。」林蓁又笑。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqAebuFGKtr
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUa3u1kcNcV
她不是刻意裝出這個嘴角的弧度，只是習慣。相比起讓輔導員覺得她很嚴重、要死了要死了，她寧願真誠地擺出一個「其實我真的還好」的樣子。內心深處，她還是希望輔導中心理一理她，但又不要將太多資源放在她身上。明明，她有半年多時間「夢遊」，此前也常常覺得生活無望——419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEo4KrSmIUP
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSCbJ1ikzHK
喂，但活來活去都未死！扮咩抑鬱啫，真係有事就快啲自殺啦。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdZivugTJLZ
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV3UeiFuyFu
——其實你講嚟講去，都係呢啲。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRdQhIQtpqc
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtpMvOHMFxg
——如果真係咁辛苦，不如試吓踏出第一步改變？419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ARnkn6azN
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWJ0GtBmVM5
恍神間，她想起舊時的自己，時時擔當聆聽者給予他們安慰，也許是生性沉靜、守口如瓶之故，所以，她總可以收集許多秘密和心事。或許擅長安慰別人的人，不是陽光、樂觀、積極，正正是可以共情一些負能量，才可給予易地而處的回應。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡueU7gXbrwB
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDO3SRAT0p9
然而，可能是形象予人的印象太深刻，當她後來主動談起自己，除了第一次別人比較好奇和關心，以後，誰都無法適應。人與人之間的角色，沒有那麼流通，稍一不慎便失序，亂成一團。她用同一雙傾聽心事的耳朵，接收朋友叫她「唔好再無啦啦唔開心啦」。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdLAi1jP7qY
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGaCXaTQcOn
——你到底唔開心緊啲咩呢？419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpEAbLwzTyx
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkHpJcEsONn
——過去嘅事，都係要睇開啲㗎啦。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXq2JjuTA0h
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkzo9Gejt7V
認識一個人，和他說過去、現在、未來，這些那些時空的自己，若要以言語裝載，又不知落點何在。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLTeW1Zv8F2
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqO2SKW0UJv
後來她說出口，由於不開心的事——最令她不開心的事，其實也是那些，然而，從聆聽角度上，也許太沒有新鮮感，因此不夠吸引。她已經嘗試，怎樣為那些在她心上植根多年的舊枝葉，多加兩朵花。譬如，在說她失去舊愛人時，則會提起「今天出門時，見到他」。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcv2rHOAR9r
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI1STgyCG2X
連傾訴都不真誠。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ21yqGrrA8H
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3jDqBKgoyw
不開心又不去死。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ76V5NJ8Dqe
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd1VdI1OzM7
不去死又不改變。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqtCHDkbIen
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Jq3oSujkd
林蓁語詞混亂地將以上說了一通，又補充：419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9UC8gtX1Wr
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaY1wqmGuhw
「但佢哋其實係我朋友，都對我唔錯……唔係真係唔鍾意我，只係唔覺得我覺得唔開心嘅事，真係值得唔開心，或者，唔開心咁耐。佢哋會認真畀意見我，話自己以前都經歷過，嚴重得多，所有嘢都會過去，只要願意。只係我無辦法。」419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtQBf82uFR0
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7mjy8nZOeg
無辦法。她無辦法以快樂回報朋友的關心。419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAfdKTtgFkt
419Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ44p3bGdFD9
然後按「加至主畫面」