在這之前,失眠已經困擾林蓁一段時間。329Please respect copyright.PENANANw0HeggSTR
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以前可以緩解的方法,她都試過,但現在已沒有用。329Please respect copyright.PENANAS5miXEQhou
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譬如自慰,陰蒂吸啜器是她有且僅有的性玩具,慢慢,其唯一的功能就是助眠。陰蒂變得不再敏感,以前輕易高潮,但經歷頻繁的刺激後,需時更久,也不再有潮吹。329Please respect copyright.PENANA6buqGGXZXd
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自慰這種性事,目的一早轉移,她沒有性幻想,只得肢體郁動、喘息、抽搐。身體的快感令人很空虛,依然眼光光,腿部的繃緊用力令她很疲累,悶眼,卻依然毫無睡意。329Please respect copyright.PENANA4dcm1n77VO
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女人的陰蒂可以不斷高潮,不像男人射了精就要回氣很久。329Please respect copyright.PENANAmzHhNcrtoF
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她有時絕望,便不斷重複自慰,生理上的快感推到最極致之時,她腦袋空空,感官刺激一結束,她便流淚,彷彿無論如何都無法有那種身心合一的快感,還有愛。329Please respect copyright.PENANAjoIAgTbTq6
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此外,她也歇盡所能地運動,多數在球場跑圈,雖然不是運動好手,跑得慢,但是外出一整天仍慢跑四十分鐘,依然消耗了很多能量。每次跑完後,她會在球場散步幾圈,讓心跳平和下來,腳步浮浮。329Please respect copyright.PENANAYWTtHvdVTy
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球場上的人跑步,必然各有各目的,減肥、健身、消遣,她在一圈又一圈之中,想像他們也許有人跟她一樣失眠,怕自己快要猝死,才努力健壯一點,延長壽命。329Please respect copyright.PENANAPt9Zq6Rf1b
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安睡寧、褪黑激素等助眠類產品,她也吃過。329Please respect copyright.PENANAsvViR8pEzn
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從最初的有點效果,到現在越吃越多,連心理作用也無用。她常常躺下,但無法入睡,睡覺是為了休息一下、明天早起,這種基本的生理需求,她的身體亦不依從,多令人生氣。329Please respect copyright.PENANAFj0cWCASZX
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攤在床上,閉眼,腦袋便開始想許多不著邊際的事。329Please respect copyright.PENANACDwQfNCfTH
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如果要林蓁數綿羊,大概數到第七隻,牠便會突然走到腦海的最大畫面,然後拿出一根蔗咀嚼,接著,牠會把第八隻、第九隻綿羊殺掉,統領整個綿羊國,野心勃勃地與野豬及長頸鹿聯邦,幾年後傳位給更有能力的獅子。329Please respect copyright.PENANAo2yBDEfxkp
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熱鬧哄哄。329Please respect copyright.PENANAZMIrF9jgAY
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偶然又有分鏡,讓她看見生命中遇過的許多人,擺出可憐兮兮的樣子,畫面跳轉,竟落到她可憐兮兮。329Please respect copyright.PENANAwVzBN3Lfzs
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第二朝起來,她都無法感到入睡過,可是認知上又告訴始終有段迷糊的時間。身體依然疲累。329Please respect copyright.PENANA2LKzeG1esQ
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林蓁很清楚自己病倒了,根據DSM-5的標準,她有齊情緒病的徵狀,在她默默數算自己的情況,比起原本標準上列明的兩星期,已持續多於三個月時,她便預約了大學輔導中心。329Please respect copyright.PENANAO2BzyN5Bhx
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此時已經四月,她是應屆畢業班學生,七月,學生證便變成校友證,也不知可否拍閘機進入校園。這幾年死撐爛捱,未曾尋求外界協助;現在似要在氣數將盡之前,享盡免費福利。她是那麼小氣而懂得計算的人,竟然也落到人生迷迷糊糊之時——唉吔,若脫離學生身分,見一次輔導要千幾蚊,喂喂,不如吃好幾次放題教人心情舒暢。精神健康如此重要之事,服務真的做到普及嗎,精神健康綜合社區中心起得再多,你一不自殺二不自殘三無危機,怎會被理睬。329Please respect copyright.PENANAFdiTyWUrrm
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而城市裡大部分人都沒有概念,為什麼呢?難道是她作為新一代,被後現代理論洗腦麼,又天生矯情才會特別脆弱麼。329Please respect copyright.PENANAJ4B8yTjgye
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不過,在成功預約的兩小時後,林蓁才想起,預約那天是她第一天做功課輔導班導師。她不想請假,以免給人留下不負責任印象,因此,取消預約。電腦螢幕顯示,最近都full booking,沒有可預約時段。329Please respect copyright.PENANAoxA0Sky0VR
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她的鼠標不斷在灰色的「Not available」上點按,瘋狂地按。329Please respect copyright.PENANAzfbuekkBnA
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只是,並無跳轉至下個畫面,她忽然覺得好笑,自己其實很健康,畢竟可以為了功輔班放棄一次約見輔導的機會,足夠理智,或者可以按捺所有衝動的情緒。329Please respect copyright.PENANAznvzII7C8M
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只是到了深夜,她一個人在空蕩蕩的客廳時,又流淚。鬼使神差,她重新進入大學輔導中心網站,竟發現大後天空出了一個時段,鮮綠色的像生意盎然的草。她點進去,成功預約。329Please respect copyright.PENANAH1CVRlW29F
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做了普通健康問卷後,她又繼續做功課。329Please respect copyright.PENANA1TsoQUADVm
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她唸心理學系。329Please respect copyright.PENANAWzhy79ZXUC
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因此,她對於無法疏導自身情緒,感到羞恥。329Please respect copyright.PENANAlMko978x9C
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這幾年,她也做不同兼職,上司人好,著她如有任何不適應,都可以提出,不要因為就讀聽來了解人性的學科,就要求自己時刻冷靜,畢竟誰都只是普通人。然而,她還是看不起自己。這城的所有人,誰不是辛勤工作?或抱持夢想努力前進,或為求三餐安穩營營役役,可是她脆弱——329Please respect copyright.PENANA4iqPbIcggB
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唯獨她感到世上再沒有路可以走了,是否。329Please respect copyright.PENANA9KEMAUnQsN
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只是她脆弱。329Please respect copyright.PENANAU06zOtanM7
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見輔導員前,林蓁在沙田米線店吃得好飽,特意叫了多蔥。約見時間為下午三點九,三點正,她才剛坐到餐廳,以下午茶優惠叫了一杯凍檸茶。329Please respect copyright.PENANAwTSeFBdWxj
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坦言,光是看樣子,她完全不像「病人」。329Please respect copyright.PENANAwCc10yspGL
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天生濃密的眉毛和睫毛,紅潤的臉頰和唇,下意識的微笑伴隨深陷的酒窩,無論怎樣捱更抵夜,臉容仍然精神。即使,前一天哭得死去活來,似要將一輩子的眼淚流乾,她也會一早誠誠懇懇地把匙羹放進冰格裡,翌晨起來,蓋在眼睛上敷,等到中午,早就沒有紅腫樣子。329Please respect copyright.PENANAOC8kOO7ZAM
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在抵達校園、嘟卡入閘、被陽光無遮無掩地曬著期間,林蓁重新組織自己要說的話。329Please respect copyright.PENANAKiT460qxfE
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「Umm,我唔係好嚴重,無乜影響日常生活。係有啲失眠同有時會唔開心咁解。」329Please respect copyright.PENANAJ66Wz42bTs
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她自嘲,原來兩句就可以總結2023年起感受到的痛苦,相比起情緒詞,她更相信狀態,似乎「失眠」比起「唔開心」更客觀,或是更容易理解,準確地。329Please respect copyright.PENANARJCcNCTzH4
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然後又提醒自己,等等見人,記得笑容滿面,語調歡快。她曾經做過學生助理,幫助打transcript,知道校園中人各有奇難雜症,有些嚴重得死人冧樓。而她,總是可以繞過世上所有的頹垣敗瓦躺在床墊上,無論能否入睡,都已幸運,還求什麼?她會懷疑自己是否有資格使用服務。因此,在對方露出輕視的眼神(如果會)前,她要首先自嘲,說一切都很輕鬆,以免讓人覺得她無知地誇大情緒。內心默唸:放鬆一點。329Please respect copyright.PENANA19iUrXDhXD
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內進輔導中心,前台職員讓她坐下,等一會兒,又填問卷,直至最後一題:「你的日常、社交、人際、工作幾大程度受影響?」她還是剔下「不大」。329Please respect copyright.PENANApb9SCxXkKP
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交回問卷,等五分鐘,輔導員和她打招呼:「我幫你做初步評估。」329Please respect copyright.PENANANP304IJ1LY
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「我喺樓下啦。」329Please respect copyright.PENANAYO7EE079Fk
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周立沖搭𨋢,走到樓下,帶林蓁上樓。329Please respect copyright.PENANAr8dcx0Poax
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林蓁靜靜跟隨他上樓。大學四年,她從來未住宿舍,但也流連過乜乜堂、物物樓,終點總是別人的房間。 329Please respect copyright.PENANAmvWeZawWUs
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見到他認識的人,進同一架𨋢,對方與他打招呼,也順帶對她點點頭,然後無言。329Please respect copyright.PENANAuNOtNepW7m
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進了房間,她放下背包,坐在椅子上發呆。周立沖擁抱她:「你好似好攰,做咩嚟?」329Please respect copyright.PENANAaKFN1NCCKI
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「無做咩吖,嚟交個功課,見仲好早就搵你食飯。」329Please respect copyright.PENANAvUluwqAndo
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「你會喺度留幾多日?」他已知道她會過夜。329Please respect copyright.PENANALths7m6Bo0
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「後日先走,得唔得?」329Please respect copyright.PENANArrc4T5NgAQ
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「好耶,陪我兩晚。」329Please respect copyright.PENANAGdYJMAE7LU
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每次靠在他懷裡,林蓁都會覺得這是夢。329Please respect copyright.PENANAWyBWNfwDG0
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三年前,二人戀愛,最後因他喜歡了別人而分手。近日再見,則是他的女朋友A小姐移民,二人不歡而散,算是在感情中受挫,因此,需要異性的溫柔,或說是,需要一個足夠喜歡他的異性的溫柔。三年過去,她再見他,即使對現在的他有點陌生,可是昔日濃意傾瀉而出,竟然如此熟悉。她的腦中不斷迴盪一把聲音:仿佛命運讓人重逢,難道不是緣分天注定?329Please respect copyright.PENANAshS1C8xpku
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二人在海邊散步,他提起舊時,她默默流淚,他一下下地摸她的頭擁她的肩,輕聲說「以前真係好對唔住,你一定好辛苦。」然後,一同坐上回宿舍的火車。329Please respect copyright.PENANAG8CVykK0Pi
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為什麼她答允,無非是動心過糾纏過理清過,最後還是,橫不過。329Please respect copyright.PENANAy8DOi5YjcU
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已經三年,但好像只長了年歲,見了他,心跳仍怦然,才發現也許是虛長年歲。329Please respect copyright.PENANAGP871u7ApC
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和他一起,確實很快樂。縱使,她無法否認,曾經被他捨棄,但現在這段他走投無路的空白,得她在。329Please respect copyright.PENANAoa8DwthhM5
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快樂像小人得志,她控制自己不能感到太快樂。329Please respect copyright.PENANAWmG2qztbwH
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林蓁清晰認知,無非趁著他落難才可充當溫柔鄉——不是趙合德式為帝皇家生小孩、與姐姐勾心斗角那種溫柔鄉,而是缓缓說出所有好聽的話,偶然恰當地責備兩句,展露真誠的愛及年少怯弱這種溫柔鄉。329Please respect copyright.PENANA8brWhrz2CT
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聽他傾訴悲傷,被另一個女生捨棄,被時局變遷隔開居住地,被穩定安好的感情摔倒。329Please respect copyright.PENANAwBS5CrcNaM
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林蓁心情複雜,一邊想:你也有今天我當時就是這樣傷心,一邊想:寧願你永遠不識其滋味可保持感情的朦朧及不再使我淪陷更深。她靜靜傾聽。329Please respect copyright.PENANAYaGMBHyZ2n
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不如誠實一點,她太迷戀至迷失於被他需要的感覺,即使不是純粹的喜歡,但展現形態是「被一時選擇」,她幾乎以此維生。329Please respect copyright.PENANAbEVX52HJVR
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穿上周立沖的衣服,林蓁便一起躺在床上。329Please respect copyright.PENANAPxerKilpHQ
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他舉著平板電腦,二人一起看YouTube,她卻失神——329Please respect copyright.PENANA8gqNFMC79e