十八歲時,思思憧憬未來,將來一定要組織最温暖的家。979Please respect copyright.PENANAWDwh3wpzwc
979Please respect copyright.PENANAPlvjpd5RI1
她也有一個家,雖然,不是特別完滿。979Please respect copyright.PENANAURXAndtmbg
979Please respect copyright.PENANAmDXw1MHidr
父親好、母親好,只是二人合起來——不應合起來。979Please respect copyright.PENANAKr2gqhMBLD
979Please respect copyright.PENANAE9rdOxcsH6
思思的父母不是因愛結合。979Please respect copyright.PENANAgEmsX5J280
979Please respect copyright.PENANAbaNSmJKdnc
航班、傳統的相親、不能拒絕的安排、錢銀瓜葛、生活。979Please respect copyright.PENANA1kFuTeSNGB
979Please respect copyright.PENANAL76HCy5qMP
像「賣豬仔」一樣。979Please respect copyright.PENANAlYzD0tVwqm
979Please respect copyright.PENANAaOiKNRRFmF
小時候,她只知父母從不同床,母親佯稱,父親的鼻鼾聲太大,吵着她睡覺。父母也沒有親密行為,連普通的拖手和擁抱,都沒有。979Please respect copyright.PENANAo7PdX1ifoN
979Please respect copyright.PENANAUFzSjefa9s
思思只覺奇怪,明明電視劇的恩愛夫妻並非如此;她去過同學的生日會,見過別人的父母,會替對方抹嘴,將紙巾撕開一半,遞給對方。979Please respect copyright.PENANA4Pr8ulzjg7
979Please respect copyright.PENANAd5hnCG8Uer
思思疑惑。979Please respect copyright.PENANAYkg4IMzAey
979Please respect copyright.PENANA7OGI1zzknu
後來,她再長大一點,問及父母的怪異,母親坦白:979Please respect copyright.PENANATpBqWtr0wn
979Please respect copyright.PENANAJ07jnlWw26
「以前賣豬仔結婚風氣好猖狂,我唔結婚嘅話,屋企就要賠錢。」979Please respect copyright.PENANADhA2eIGF9E
979Please respect copyright.PENANATFYewBJsY3
「起初,唔係同你爸爸見㗎。嗰時唔知點解揀咗佢。」979Please respect copyright.PENANAX3NXoX8hI6
979Please respect copyright.PENANAwnO23w56RZ
「一開始都ok;但後來,越嚟越唔鍾意佢。你知唔知,我啱啱陀你嗰時,佢俾咗三萬我,話如果我同佢生,就俾多兩萬我。痴線㗎,當我係咩?我本身都想要bb㗎啦。」979Please respect copyright.PENANAIGpbBiPMrG
979Please respect copyright.PENANAeg42Wyq3M2
「唉。起初都有上吓床……佢想要,唔通唔俾咩,話哂都係夫妻。後尾,生咗你同阿妹之後,就冇啦。嘢都少講。」979Please respect copyright.PENANABtxSgtzwN5
979Please respect copyright.PENANAFL5FA8zeSK
言語措詞,毫不忌諱聽者是她的女兒,她覺得女兒早慧,絕對可以承受和理解一切因由。979Please respect copyright.PENANA53Ga1vYVO4
979Please respect copyright.PENANAE7ebxdS1Ga
當時,思思十六歲,此前的她,覺得孩子一定是愛情結晶品,即使後來離婚分家,但至少,做愛一刻,有愛。979Please respect copyright.PENANApNH63RlWNl
979Please respect copyright.PENANA6SBOI7zgob
她受到衝擊。979Please respect copyright.PENANACo1N36I0Te
979Please respect copyright.PENANAYydNGMbSK4
她常常思索,如果她沒有出生,父母就不需共同養育她,那麼他們又是否能夠各自安好,在自己的人生漫漫路上找到真正適合自己的伴侣?如果她從不存在,他們會否花費約二十年時間,守在不相愛的人身邊?979Please respect copyright.PENANALU3KpvCuKc
979Please respect copyright.PENANA9tUbQW1VoP
父母的結合並沒有愛,思思也因此並非愛的產物。979Please respect copyright.PENANA60uUQaJMen
979Please respect copyright.PENANAw4jqPtQq6D
她只是長期合法「賣淫」之下的受精卵,她的出現,只是因為一次射精、一次陰莖從硬到軟的快感、一次陰道從乾涸到濕潤的興奮,僅僅如此。979Please respect copyright.PENANADRIXtsoRbi
979Please respect copyright.PENANAw4gstUDm3H
原來,僅僅如此。979Please respect copyright.PENANAimm3b30pSn
979Please respect copyright.PENANAoM1p2dNU9b
思思覺得,她的存在本身,或許為父母帶來痛苦而無快樂。979Please respect copyright.PENANA2ihhZImKJG
979Please respect copyright.PENANA3NaCQ06dEu
她苦笑,想起小時候曾經起哄,着父親二月十四日買花給母親。真傻。979Please respect copyright.PENANAiympoLc6Bh
979Please respect copyright.PENANAWJLLEhxUEH
從那時起,她一直並不太喜歡自己,因為憎惡她的存在為最愛的人帶來痛苦,而她對此無能為力。979Please respect copyright.PENANA2hoViwTDT2
979Please respect copyright.PENANAlg89KzjES3
可能因為這樣,她總是和朋友保持距離,她不願意承受多一次世界觀崩塌的酸楚。她與人和善,只是少了幾分親暱;樂於做朋友的樹洞,只是不和人分享太多心事。她自信、外向,可以和不熟稔的人侃侃而談而不露怯;同時自卑、孤僻,侃侃而談時,常希望盡快結束對話。979Please respect copyright.PENANAqqxZpaWX80
979Please respect copyright.PENANAbHfSpa2xPL
在友情、社交之中,她有強烈的迴避傾向,不擅長自我披露。979Please respect copyright.PENANAf3EeSjPhoP
979Please respect copyright.PENANAHoNRalwkkB
只是,她也感受到父母是愛她的。偶然,他們的愛令思思覺得,其實她的存在是有價值的,父母仍然擁有一個可親的女兒。她決定,更努力地生活,以孝順回報父母,也叫自己要好好讀書,畢竟父母供書教學多年,不可令他們失望。979Please respect copyright.PENANAoJnako5UXT
979Please respect copyright.PENANAEBgk1DIgVA
偏偏,父母管教並不嚴謹,覺得思思快樂就好,人生不要有太多壓力。只着她不要學壞。但什麼叫壞?吸毒、酗酒?逃課、打架?早戀、未婚生子?界限不明,她在這種不清不楚的灰色規條下長大,漸漸喜歡黑白分明的感覺。979Please respect copyright.PENANAvJJwaMuRSj
979Please respect copyright.PENANAyQcr9tU1vH
譬如,愛是愛,不愛是不愛,什麼叫既愛,又不愛?她不解。979Please respect copyright.PENANA5dxGrGvm6y
979Please respect copyright.PENANAAYhV68c6I9
只是,黑白分明如圍棋,也總得有人下錯一子。黑白分明,從來是很難實現,或者說是很難輕鬆實現,黑白鍵組成的鋼琴,想彈得悠揚、活色生香,那要經過很多的練習和犧牲很多的睡眠時間。這是後話。979Please respect copyright.PENANAYg29cCArFS
979Please respect copyright.PENANAzhUEfOuu1k
唯有,從小由她自己看顧功課,自己給自己期望,自己逼自己學習和運動,她想成為更好的自己。979Please respect copyright.PENANApJXYbGwwOn
979Please respect copyright.PENANAlApUa1GiUq
她想被管束。她想如同學一樣,有恩愛父母一邊鬥嘴,一邊檢查她的功課。979Please respect copyright.PENANAWMBk6FSa3U
979Please respect copyright.PENANAwBPGubejjz
家,冷冷清清。團年飯都不一定在同一個時段、同一張枱食。979Please respect copyright.PENANAQQhMrFfOqO
979Please respect copyright.PENANAfRmdKb4IaA
家,像透了一所暖色調的客棧。各有各休息,母親下班後,煮飯、孩子吃飯、將飯菜保暖,見父親回家,就會進房、關門;父親吃保暖的飯菜、洗碗、在客廳做事。979Please respect copyright.PENANARYxsEURRag
979Please respect copyright.PENANAb5WqQoIQL6
疏淡如水。979Please respect copyright.PENANA85HFJwA8YQ
979Please respect copyright.PENANA0Ak4EF4ym9
思思是這所客棧的老闆,敷衍地聯絡父母的感情,偶然氣氛尷尬,譬如母親抱怨父親將襪子亂扔,父親則反駁,她的頭髮同樣塞滿浴室排水位,然後吵着不相干、不重要的閒話,最後沉默。979Please respect copyright.PENANAIqBn26h10G
979Please respect copyright.PENANA3B8ahMRFGd
她一直都在享受着這一種不受管束的、悲傷的自由。979Please respect copyright.PENANAkvlA2UNCHb
979Please respect copyright.PENANAFYP19jayC7
她不想要這種自由。979Please respect copyright.PENANAiZVrHDwKxd
979Please respect copyright.PENANAF70NfYkGZt
她需要深深被愛,也需要依靠,如果戀愛,她會十分投入,願意將一切都給予對方。979Please respect copyright.PENANAKj37rx7hPF
979Please respect copyright.PENANAOftNiu0yJw
她寧願被温馨地束縛,因愛結繩,很好。979Please respect copyright.PENANAF5AvLfwREf
979Please respect copyright.PENANAAxiiDobogi
十八歲的思思,發誓自己不能輕易結婚。979Please respect copyright.PENANA7z8TQZ8OpJ
979Please respect copyright.PENANAh1hQqj1ZS7
寧願孤獨地老去,獨霸床前明月光,佇立腳踏地上霜,也不想與不愛的人身居同一間屋——以夫妻之名。979Please respect copyright.PENANAf06HKmaBWn
979Please respect copyright.PENANAFrRNfxTuZg
她抵觸,和不喜歡的人塗抹同一枝沐浴露、擠着同一枝牙膏;厭惡與其的皮鞋並排擺放、日復日為其烹煮住家飯;害怕和他擠塞在同一張明明寬廣卻迫促的床上、在飯桌上無語地對着白飯發呆。979Please respect copyright.PENANAJuz4PesUQG
979Please respect copyright.PENANAGVrFVAp01t
「如果係咁,自己一個過,仲輕鬆自在啦!冇咁多嘢煩。」979Please respect copyright.PENANAXkNPuKK1Uf
979Please respect copyright.PENANAfofaHKU2nc
中學時期的思思向朋友分享過婚戀觀,當時的社會尚未崇尚獨身主義,她被指怪異:「老咗你就知啦,孤伶伶一個。」979Please respect copyright.PENANAFVqd8kEUzD
979Please respect copyright.PENANAVcyo2D9Qt5
可是,她是真這樣想:979Please respect copyright.PENANAHVUAxTxX4b
979Please respect copyright.PENANAqbxmOY2F0u
「為咗唔孤單而同人一齊,唔會更孤單咩。明明喺隔離,但係就好遠。再親密,都係疏離喎……」979Please respect copyright.PENANA7aYW8JYryE
979Please respect copyright.PENANAFnDq7swaoK
只是,從她和阿朗拍拖開始,她已經覺得,將來絕對不會進駐客棧,她認真鍾愛阿朗這個人、這顆心,必不會憎惡和他共用一個洗手盆。979Please respect copyright.PENANA37SVhaEuZo
979Please respect copyright.PENANAZ8FXuSxpxy
她願與他舉頭望明月,默默聽他或和他分享鄉愁和陳跡。979Please respect copyright.PENANACcj50PvPYU
979Please respect copyright.PENANAm6zR9HAuI1
她也不要孩子成為客棧的老闆,上一代的事,不應該影響天真稚嫩的小孩。979Please respect copyright.PENANAVPwJQmjTQD
979Please respect copyright.PENANAckYae2ItM2
客棧,明明冷清,不必假裝温暖,名之曰「家」。979Please respect copyright.PENANANlRrsgmEoz
979Please respect copyright.PENANAAjXoDvmLAi
家是家。979Please respect copyright.PENANAAZRGuKpFrl
979Please respect copyright.PENANALmfvyFDbJF
她要和最愛的人走進婚姻。979Please respect copyright.PENANAjuZSN27swZ
979Please respect copyright.PENANAuE376KdJ3r
她願意自綑自綁。979Please respect copyright.PENANAZa6CFRPkCp
979Please respect copyright.PENANA2cIyRG9PxG
只要相愛,只要有愛。979Please respect copyright.PENANApvU8I2wrqG
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《相愛十年》//《結咗婚十幾年,好似已經唔太愛。》
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《相愛十年》//《結咗婚十幾年,好似已經唔太愛。》
Author:
張羨青
![張羨青](https://static2.penana.com/fit-in/24x24/images/users/large/10/27/102713606962e7ed9183f158.49732216-73839.jpeg)
ISSUE #9
客棧
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