"Nothing heals heartbreak like screaming Olivia Rodrigo at full volume."
From: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYTi4V8FuFB
To: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnFip1DHsUM
Subject: pettiest playlist of the year goes to… me
eli.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9FRNyLwNej
i made a playlist titled “for when your groupmate uses comic sans and your faith in humanity breaks.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkG0vxmrtTz
i’m currently scream-singing to track 4 while eating cereal with a fork because all my spoons are in the sink.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡclkaU61vmC
it’s a mood.
– maya55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5UEX51xL6E
sad. dramatic. cereal-forking.
From: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4RUiIv4ZTd
To: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXeLUqJMoYu
Subject: cereal fork is a vibe
maya.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZgZrgHhgA9
track 4 better be “good 4 u” or i’m calling the authorities.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzNqCJpG3ae
also, the fork thing is valid. i once drank iced coffee with a knife. no regrets.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq1sZ7KaY3r
send me the playlist. for... peer review.
– eli55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYtq3PncPl4
music snob, chaos enabler
From: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8kSQbLoeAf
To: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSzXH1UJNZw
Subject: attached: rage therapy 💕
okay you asked for it.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxvz1bZovv
enjoy: [https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4mtUmL00VaYfC0gkEH0Odt?si=uPQWcd-5RuGOfoOppIcfQg] “dear god why do men” — a playlist in five stages of grief, three accidental crushes, and one cup of weaponized spite.
tracklist highlights:
misery business – paramore
better than revenge – taylor swift
good 4 u – olivia rodrigo
brutal – also olivia, my queen
should’ve said no – taylor again, obviously
kill bill – sza (i don’t condone murder, but i vibe)
– maya55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3dp2lCvHJv
the most dramatic person you never met
From: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz0GalbTYFN
To: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfeYNEZCFUF
Subject: playlist review: violently iconic
maya.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡivW6ByCZWN
i have goosebumps.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbAVqi7r0HK
i want to fight someone. i don’t even know who. but i’m hyped.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC40g4klVom
“kill bill” came on and i almost texted my ex “good luck.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfPBPDxC2AG
i didn’t. but spiritually, i did.
also: “dear god why do men” deserves a grammy for best emotional support.
– eli55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH0xUBi9yy9
threatened. inspired.
From: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF9s9TxP5li
To: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGsfgO44laO
Subject: so we’re rage soulmates now?
eli,55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsnW5skJJ3N
you passed the vibe check.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOIqywWHcx9
you didn’t question my musical angst or my cereal fork.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRoLL0PqwZ7
this feels like the start of something irrationally comforting.
ps: have you ever cried to phoebe bridgers in a parking lot or is that just me?
– maya55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuj9QHcPpv0
emotionally stable adjacent
From: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOj0iny0Dvy
To: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvYWjPNz0zm
Subject: phoebe bridgers made me cry at the DMV
maya.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkOAl7UivFN
“motion sickness” came on. i was holding a ticket that said A132.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTBFFcDgY1E
i did cry.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0fOczEFV1U
the security guard offered me a tissue and a mint.
so yes. we’re bonded now.
– eli55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXqLCy0P4hX
co-president, feelings club
From: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhd9rkBUY8Y
To: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqzpcv0hI0x
Subject: certified mood
i would like to formally nominate you as:
my email pen pal
my official heartbreak soundtrack consultant
and co-author of “texts we never sent but emotionally screamed”
it’s a growing resume. benefits include emotional chaos and unsolicited memes.
– maya55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeYOHWvMnsG
possibly your new internet pen friend
From: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvcZtwRpwKv
To: [email protected]55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ2cpCCYxlf
Subject: i accept the role
with great inbox comes great responsibility.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3lYiQhXLQX
you send the songs, i’ll send the sarcasm.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoQia5GV0CW
together we’re like...55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH20aM7PCLH
the emotional avengers.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8QwmZ7rVnK
no capes though. just playlists.
– eli55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJVdqzYr4sU
ready to rage, reply, repeat
Attachment: Liner Notes from Eli Martin55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzpJZSiy6vx
🎧 “dear god why do men” – Reviewed
📝 liner notes by eli, who has clearly felt too much and judged too many fonts
Track 1: Misery Business – Paramore55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqq0QWpfIxq
this track made me want to break up with someone i’m not dating.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr7KyUW9qCv
⭐ rage level: 9.5/10
Track 2: Better Than Revenge – Taylor Swift55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI1mCLMuMvE
may have shouted “she’s not a saint!” at a squirrel.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkR8eDfs8Qr
⭐ sass factor: 11/10
Track 3: good 4 u – Olivia Rodrigo55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0CxIP9RuHj
screamed into a spoon. felt better.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRXbLboO9RZ
⭐ catharsis: 10/10
Track 4: brutal – Olivia Rodrigo55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJbJ7uj4zFl
i knocked over a lamp. worth it.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ54aftO8jxM
⭐ chaos energy: unmeasurable
Track 5: should’ve said no – Taylor Swift55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWLz6DVyfSP
the rain cried for me.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVR2vVM6prd
⭐ drama: peak
Track 6: Kill Bill – SZA55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWDUQDU3s0E
i do not condone murder. but i understand.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6lH6lldHPe
⭐ emotional weaponry: activated
Final thoughts:55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3NkHvxZ6yA
this playlist isn't therapy. it's exorcism.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlVYgJhaIOG
i feel seen, personally attacked, and spiritually lighter.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqDojEXOFeS
maya, if you ever make another one — please consider me your chaos consultant.
– eli55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfSWfomIfJ0
officially unwell in a poetic way
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