"I'm a lot alike with everyone else in this old city." - Okay this sentence is really weird and to be honest, I think it's because of the "I'm a lot alike with..." part. So instead, maybe try something like, "I'm a lot like everyone else in this old city." Makes much more sense and flows easier. :)
"A pounding against the door of the warehouse I had been hiding in for the past few days broke my train of thought and the peaceful silence I had finally grown accustomed to..." -This is another really weird sentence. It seems like you either forgot to enter the last part of the sentence (which I wouldn't do because it's long enough already), or you tried to merge two sentences into one and it didn't quite work. To fix this, I'd try something like, "A pounding against the warehouse door broke my train of thought. I had become accustomed to the peaceful silence, so the pounding sounded like gunshots, causing me to flinch." -The last part (starting with "so") is just a suggestion, but the part before it I'd consider using. Your choice though. :)
"His voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard, but my ears had become used to it after years of him and I watching our backs." -There's this thing called passive voice and I struggle with it myself, but your writing turned to passive in this sentence. To fix it, I'd say... "His voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard, but my ears became used to it after years of him and I watching our backs."
"I looked up to the ceiling, wondering where I'd be right now if it weren't for that bandit breaking in the night my life took a U turn for the worse." -Okay, so here's another personal opinion thing, but I think it'll help the flow here. So here's what I'd suggest to you... "I looked up to the ceiling, wondering where I'd be right now if that bandit hadn't broken in to save me from the worst night of my life." - I don't know exactly what has happened in her past right now, so this might not work, but it was worth a shot. :)
"Then the world went black, and I was only consoled with the memories of once was." -I really like how you're trying to end it but it seemed like there is a word missing toward the end. I don't know exactly what it is though. But here's a shot at it anyway... "Then the world went black, and I was consoled only by the memories of what once was." -That sounds better to me, personally, but it's whatever you think.
Take and leave what you wish, it's your story, but I hoped I helped! If you have any questions, feel free to message me! :D
"I'm a lot like everyone else in this old city." Makes much more sense and flows easier. :)
"A pounding against the door of the warehouse I had been hiding in for the past few days broke my train of thought and the peaceful silence I had finally grown accustomed to..." -This is another really weird sentence. It seems like you either forgot to enter the last part of the sentence (which I wouldn't do because it's long enough already), or you tried to merge two sentences into one and it didn't quite work. To fix this, I'd try something like,
"A pounding against the warehouse door broke my train of thought. I had become accustomed to the peaceful silence, so the pounding sounded like gunshots, causing me to flinch." -The last part (starting with "so") is just a suggestion, but the part before it I'd consider using. Your choice though. :)
"His voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard, but my ears had become used to it after years of him and I watching our backs." -There's this thing called passive voice and I struggle with it myself, but your writing turned to passive in this sentence. To fix it, I'd say...
"His voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard, but my ears became used to it after years of him and I watching our backs."
"I looked up to the ceiling, wondering where I'd be right now if it weren't for that bandit breaking in the night my life took a U turn for the worse." -Okay, so here's another personal opinion thing, but I think it'll help the flow here. So here's what I'd suggest to you...
"I looked up to the ceiling, wondering where I'd be right now if that bandit hadn't broken in to save me from the worst night of my life." - I don't know exactly what has happened in her past right now, so this might not work, but it was worth a shot. :)
"Then the world went black, and I was only consoled with the memories of once was." -I really like how you're trying to end it but it seemed like there is a word missing toward the end. I don't know exactly what it is though. But here's a shot at it anyway...
"Then the world went black, and I was consoled only by the memories of what once was." -That sounds better to me, personally, but it's whatever you think.
Take and leave what you wish, it's your story, but I hoped I helped! If you have any questions, feel free to message me! :D