This first chapter was fairly well-written, but largely uneventful as far as first chapters go. Perhaps that's because it was so short? Regardless of the reason, I would have liked more substance in this first chapter.
Your grammar needs just the slightest bit of work. Overall, it's actually good, but there are a few glaring errors. For example, He wasn't a friend of mine, I didn't have any left, instead we had a mutual respect for each other. You have three whole sentences strung together with improper punctuation. (It's a comma splice.) You can either separate each sentence with a period, a comma plus a conjunction, or a semicolon.
You misspelled thief, I believe. Also, Charlotte probably lay down instead of laid. Lay is the past tense of lie, which means to put oneself in a horizontal or resting position, while laid is the past tense of lay (confusing, I know), which means to put something else in a horizontal or resting position.
On another note, you used the word alright. While some might argue that it is indeed a word, the majority of the writing community (or, at least, grammar freaks like I) agree that it is not. All right is more acceptable, but it's your choice whether to keep it or not (and whether to take any of my correction at all).
Enough of grammar and spelling. Let's move onto your actual writing style. I actually kinda like it, but the first paragraph seemed… off to me. Perhaps it's because it info dumps quite a bit. I probably would have actually shown how much of a wasteland Charlotte's world is. This is more of a personal preference, but I think the tone of the story would be improved if it started out with some action scene.
There are a couple times when you used short, choppy sentences and sentence fragments. While they can be used as a great literary device, I feel that using them twice in such a small space lessened their effect. I think you're better off only using them when Demitri gets shot, so here's how I'd fix the earlier instance of them (complete with grammar edits): He wasn't a friend of mine. I didn't have any left; instead we had a mutual respect for each other. We'd help each other out whenever the other was in need… for a price. I think that gets the same effect you were attempting without overdoing it. :)
If you left the chapter as is, however, it would still be acceptable. I really liked the way you built up suspense in the end with the gunshots.
I've enjoyed this first chapter (despite all the criticism), and I'm looking forward to reading the next!
"I'm a lot alike with everyone else in this old city." - Okay this sentence is really weird and to be honest, I think it's because of the "I'm a lot alike with..." part. So instead, maybe try something like, "I'm a lot like everyone else in this old city." Makes much more sense and flows easier. :)
"A pounding against the door of the warehouse I had been hiding in for the past few days broke my train of thought and the peaceful silence I had finally grown accustomed to..." -This is another really weird sentence. It seems like you either forgot to enter the last part of the sentence (which I wouldn't do because it's long enough already), or you tried to merge two sentences into one and it didn't quite work. To fix this, I'd try something like, "A pounding against the warehouse door broke my train of thought. I had become accustomed to the peaceful silence, so the pounding sounded like gunshots, causing me to flinch." -The last part (starting with "so") is just a suggestion, but the part before it I'd consider using. Your choice though. :)
"His voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard, but my ears had become used to it after years of him and I watching our backs." -There's this thing called passive voice and I struggle with it myself, but your writing turned to passive in this sentence. To fix it, I'd say... "His voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard, but my ears became used to it after years of him and I watching our backs."
"I looked up to the ceiling, wondering where I'd be right now if it weren't for that bandit breaking in the night my life took a U turn for the worse." -Okay, so here's another personal opinion thing, but I think it'll help the flow here. So here's what I'd suggest to you... "I looked up to the ceiling, wondering where I'd be right now if that bandit hadn't broken in to save me from the worst night of my life." - I don't know exactly what has happened in her past right now, so this might not work, but it was worth a shot. :)
"Then the world went black, and I was only consoled with the memories of once was." -I really like how you're trying to end it but it seemed like there is a word missing toward the end. I don't know exactly what it is though. But here's a shot at it anyway... "Then the world went black, and I was consoled only by the memories of what once was." -That sounds better to me, personally, but it's whatever you think.
Take and leave what you wish, it's your story, but I hoped I helped! If you have any questions, feel free to message me! :D
Your grammar needs just the slightest bit of work. Overall, it's actually good, but there are a few glaring errors. For example, He wasn't a friend of mine, I didn't have any left, instead we had a mutual respect for each other. You have three whole sentences strung together with improper punctuation. (It's a comma splice.) You can either separate each sentence with a period, a comma plus a conjunction, or a semicolon.
You misspelled thief, I believe. Also, Charlotte probably lay down instead of laid. Lay is the past tense of lie, which means to put oneself in a horizontal or resting position, while laid is the past tense of lay (confusing, I know), which means to put something else in a horizontal or resting position.
On another note, you used the word alright. While some might argue that it is indeed a word, the majority of the writing community (or, at least, grammar freaks like I) agree that it is not. All right is more acceptable, but it's your choice whether to keep it or not (and whether to take any of my correction at all).
Enough of grammar and spelling. Let's move onto your actual writing style. I actually kinda like it, but the first paragraph seemed… off to me. Perhaps it's because it info dumps quite a bit. I probably would have actually shown how much of a wasteland Charlotte's world is. This is more of a personal preference, but I think the tone of the story would be improved if it started out with some action scene.
There are a couple times when you used short, choppy sentences and sentence fragments. While they can be used as a great literary device, I feel that using them twice in such a small space lessened their effect. I think you're better off only using them when Demitri gets shot, so here's how I'd fix the earlier instance of them (complete with grammar edits):
He wasn't a friend of mine. I didn't have any left; instead we had a mutual respect for each other. We'd help each other out whenever the other was in need… for a price.
I think that gets the same effect you were attempting without overdoing it. :)
If you left the chapter as is, however, it would still be acceptable. I really liked the way you built up suspense in the end with the gunshots.
I've enjoyed this first chapter (despite all the criticism), and I'm looking forward to reading the next!
"I'm a lot like everyone else in this old city." Makes much more sense and flows easier. :)
"A pounding against the door of the warehouse I had been hiding in for the past few days broke my train of thought and the peaceful silence I had finally grown accustomed to..." -This is another really weird sentence. It seems like you either forgot to enter the last part of the sentence (which I wouldn't do because it's long enough already), or you tried to merge two sentences into one and it didn't quite work. To fix this, I'd try something like,
"A pounding against the warehouse door broke my train of thought. I had become accustomed to the peaceful silence, so the pounding sounded like gunshots, causing me to flinch." -The last part (starting with "so") is just a suggestion, but the part before it I'd consider using. Your choice though. :)
"His voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard, but my ears had become used to it after years of him and I watching our backs." -There's this thing called passive voice and I struggle with it myself, but your writing turned to passive in this sentence. To fix it, I'd say...
"His voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard, but my ears became used to it after years of him and I watching our backs."
"I looked up to the ceiling, wondering where I'd be right now if it weren't for that bandit breaking in the night my life took a U turn for the worse." -Okay, so here's another personal opinion thing, but I think it'll help the flow here. So here's what I'd suggest to you...
"I looked up to the ceiling, wondering where I'd be right now if that bandit hadn't broken in to save me from the worst night of my life." - I don't know exactly what has happened in her past right now, so this might not work, but it was worth a shot. :)
"Then the world went black, and I was only consoled with the memories of once was." -I really like how you're trying to end it but it seemed like there is a word missing toward the end. I don't know exactly what it is though. But here's a shot at it anyway...
"Then the world went black, and I was consoled only by the memories of what once was." -That sounds better to me, personally, but it's whatever you think.
Take and leave what you wish, it's your story, but I hoped I helped! If you have any questions, feel free to message me! :D