This first chapter was fairly well-written, but largely uneventful as far as first chapters go. Perhaps that's because it was so short? Regardless of the reason, I would have liked more substance in this first chapter.
Your grammar needs just the slightest bit of work. Overall, it's actually good, but there are a few glaring errors. For example, He wasn't a friend of mine, I didn't have any left, instead we had a mutual respect for each other. You have three whole sentences strung together with improper punctuation. (It's a comma splice.) You can either separate each sentence with a period, a comma plus a conjunction, or a semicolon.
You misspelled thief, I believe. Also, Charlotte probably lay down instead of laid. Lay is the past tense of lie, which means to put oneself in a horizontal or resting position, while laid is the past tense of lay (confusing, I know), which means to put something else in a horizontal or resting position.
On another note, you used the word alright. While some might argue that it is indeed a word, the majority of the writing community (or, at least, grammar freaks like I) agree that it is not. All right is more acceptable, but it's your choice whether to keep it or not (and whether to take any of my correction at all).
Enough of grammar and spelling. Let's move onto your actual writing style. I actually kinda like it, but the first paragraph seemed… off to me. Perhaps it's because it info dumps quite a bit. I probably would have actually shown how much of a wasteland Charlotte's world is. This is more of a personal preference, but I think the tone of the story would be improved if it started out with some action scene.
There are a couple times when you used short, choppy sentences and sentence fragments. While they can be used as a great literary device, I feel that using them twice in such a small space lessened their effect. I think you're better off only using them when Demitri gets shot, so here's how I'd fix the earlier instance of them (complete with grammar edits): He wasn't a friend of mine. I didn't have any left; instead we had a mutual respect for each other. We'd help each other out whenever the other was in need… for a price. I think that gets the same effect you were attempting without overdoing it. :)
If you left the chapter as is, however, it would still be acceptable. I really liked the way you built up suspense in the end with the gunshots.
I've enjoyed this first chapter (despite all the criticism), and I'm looking forward to reading the next!
Your grammar needs just the slightest bit of work. Overall, it's actually good, but there are a few glaring errors. For example, He wasn't a friend of mine, I didn't have any left, instead we had a mutual respect for each other. You have three whole sentences strung together with improper punctuation. (It's a comma splice.) You can either separate each sentence with a period, a comma plus a conjunction, or a semicolon.
You misspelled thief, I believe. Also, Charlotte probably lay down instead of laid. Lay is the past tense of lie, which means to put oneself in a horizontal or resting position, while laid is the past tense of lay (confusing, I know), which means to put something else in a horizontal or resting position.
On another note, you used the word alright. While some might argue that it is indeed a word, the majority of the writing community (or, at least, grammar freaks like I) agree that it is not. All right is more acceptable, but it's your choice whether to keep it or not (and whether to take any of my correction at all).
Enough of grammar and spelling. Let's move onto your actual writing style. I actually kinda like it, but the first paragraph seemed… off to me. Perhaps it's because it info dumps quite a bit. I probably would have actually shown how much of a wasteland Charlotte's world is. This is more of a personal preference, but I think the tone of the story would be improved if it started out with some action scene.
There are a couple times when you used short, choppy sentences and sentence fragments. While they can be used as a great literary device, I feel that using them twice in such a small space lessened their effect. I think you're better off only using them when Demitri gets shot, so here's how I'd fix the earlier instance of them (complete with grammar edits):
He wasn't a friend of mine. I didn't have any left; instead we had a mutual respect for each other. We'd help each other out whenever the other was in need… for a price.
I think that gets the same effect you were attempting without overdoing it. :)
If you left the chapter as is, however, it would still be acceptable. I really liked the way you built up suspense in the end with the gunshots.
I've enjoyed this first chapter (despite all the criticism), and I'm looking forward to reading the next!