Comments - Tea Time Short Stories

Search stories, writers or societies

Show More Tags

Continue ReadingClear All

What Others Are ReadingRefresh

See more results for ""

Never miss what's happening on Penana!

Turn on notifications

Later

Jeniffer

Hi, there! Your story is awesome~
It's very inspiring. I'll rate it 9/10!

So, I suggested an edit but there are a few lines I don't understand so I cannot edit them. For example:
-They talked and talked. The stars were disappeared in the firmament. When the sky was floated gold, it was time to say goodbye.
-The boy left with wind.

By the way, loved the story~ 😄

6 years agoReply

阿雀

Give me sometime to think how to explain the lines. But anyway, thank you very much 😉

6 years agoReply

Jeniffer

@季候鳥, No problemo 👍

6 years agoReply

Flavius_Aeolus

First the good things...

I was interested in this story, and I wanted to see where it went. The English is not bad, but not good either (needs improvement). It was admittedly a decent read for me.

There are issues, like...the ending. Was that your intention, because it just left me hanging like..."that's it?"

Overall, I'm giving this story 7/10.

EDIT: So I suggested edits. It won't fix 100% of the issues, but most are dealt with. Also, here are some things to point out:

1. When the master holds the girl out of the window, he says that "your friend is died now, come and save her."
....
She's dead. She can't be saved lol.

2. In the part when the girl finds the fallen crow prince, it says "she found the boy lied down in a red not far away".
...
What is a "red" and also, it's "she found the boy laid down"

I might have to forgive the tenses, mhm....

6 years agoReply

Flavius_Aeolus

@季候鳥, I edited the comment. Needed to add more revision to the story. If you received it, never mind. :>

6 years agoReply

Flavius_Aeolus

@季候鳥,
1. Yes.
2. Well, when you say it as "red", it makes it too vague. I wouldn't get what you mean when you say red. I thought at first it was a word that was misspelled. Calling it "blood' would make sense.

Also, I am forgiving the tenses because even I kind of don't get those at times, but since this story is written in the past tense (Makes sense, it did happen a long time ago)..
just confusing. Just why I said "forgive the tenses".

Did the sentences i change come from quotes or sentences? Because in my view, it depends on which tenses to change.

sorry, I am confused and such. ^^;

6 years agoReply

Flavius_Aeolus

@季候鳥, to change to past tense, replace the "is" to "was". "was" is past tense.

6 years agoReply

Flavius_Aeolus

@季候鳥, To have it as "was", in my opinion, would make the whole paragraph seem like a past narrative, like, recollecting from the past. "is" would make the paragraph above be stated as more modern, as in, "happening right now".

6 years agoReply

阿雀

Thank you very much✪ω✪

6 years agoReply

Firemaster1

Well This is rather cute, not a bad effort for someone learning english as a second language. I give it a 8/10 for the effort, a little bit generous maybe but I like to engourage people.

6 years agoReply

Back to Story